Prayer for My People

Abba, DH is out but only ~18 minutes away.  I was listening to The Beagle Lady (really good stuff!) and lost track of Our time.  Here are a few things I want to talk to You about because "I can pray to God for others [and myself, too]."

• Julie's job situation: Please, dear Father, show her Your faithful provision for all her needs, especially her vocational and financial needs right now.  It would have been less anxiety-producing if she had a job offer in hand prior to resigning from Harrity, but her hand was forced and we will rest in the knowledge that You had this knowledge already.  Build her faith *and* be her Jehovah Jireh, please.
• Amy's relationship with Christopher: Since I can't hid anything from You anyway, I will just say it--what is taking him so long??  Please, Father, hustle this relationship along a little bit, if just for me (selfishly).  And BTW, please bless that trip to Poland next week.  It is exciting and a little anxiety-producing at the same time, as any international travel is in these uncertain times.
• DH: Since he is close, I cannot go into as much detail as I would like.  But here again, I count on Your omniscience.  You know what I need to do and what I need to say to You.  And I appreciate that.

Be glorified in my life, Abba God.  There are many problems and demands on us right now, and learning to hear Your still, small voice of direction can be challenging when the cacophony is overwhelming.  Love You!

Intercessions

 Addenda, Father:

• Julie's job search
• Christopher's proposal to Amy!!
• Tue's faith and salvation
• Our decisions about house renovations and maintenance
• Our decision about a second home in PA
• My sister's motherly grief

There is SO much more. Some of the things tormenting my heart are the stupidity, delusions, and lies that characterize many of the citizens of this country at this time—the citizens of the world, really.  It bothers me deeply that truth, and especially You, the Truth, is rejected by so many.  I guess this has been foretold for many generations; Your people have always been a small minority, the gods of the world have always fought hard against You, and You never promise that everyone will love You---only that they will bow the knee to You eventually.  But the misleading!  Good-hearted people who profess to love and follow You are so deluded!  Talk about optical illusions.  These are spiritual delusions, I think.

But for now, let
me focus on my family's following You and listening to Your directions.  You know I am a little hard-of-hearing, Father, so please raise Your voice a little.  I am paying attention.

More Listening: Six Psalms

Why, Father God, do You take so long to exert Your justice and power?  I don't ask that in a challenging way but in a sincerely curious way.  I have even begun (slow learner) to see that You do not always--or even frequently--rescue Your beloved ones from what the world would consider terrible situations, even death.  I am remembering the Oscar-winning movie "JoJo Rabbit," in which people who sheltered Jewish people were put to death.  This story is also told in Corrie tenBoom's life and book "The Hiding Place."  I think that less mature Christians, who are children in their faith, expect heroic and miraculous rescues in which You swoop in like Superman to save the victim and restore law and order.

It isn't always so, is it?  When I sat down to make this prayer entry, I wanted to do it while listening to today's devotional readings from Psalms.  Sure enough, in the first of six, there it is.

"How long, LORD? Will You hide Yourself forever?

Remember how fleeting is my life.  For what futility You have created all humanity!

Lord, where is Your former great love, which in Your faithfulness You swore to [me]? Remember, Lord, how Your servant has been mocked ("gross misconduct," violence, religious bigotry), how I bear in my heart the taunts of all the nations, the taunts with which Your enemies, LORD, have mocked, with which they have mocked every step of Your anointed one."

(all from Psalm 89)

But the ending: Praise be to the LORD forever! AMEN AND AMEN.

Make this true in my life, dearest God.  I surrender, I submit, I await Your voice and Your face.  Show Yourself to me, please? 

 

 

Another Quick One

•  Job?
• Julie's job?
• Amy & Chris
• The world and the people in it
• Listening to You

Abba, I have only a few minutes because DH is in town and on his way home.  Please grant direction in these and the many more areas that I bring before You but may not have time to elaborate.  I am trying to listen to You!

Quick!

 Hey, Abba!  DH is too close to home for a long post.  Just checking in to say I love You and I am feeling very much supported by You.  You speak to me often these days, I think.  Don't allow me to misinterpret Your messages.

'Til next time....

Confidence in Chaos

Good morning, Abba.  I am a little scattered today and I chose the title for this post because it reflects what I need: confidence in chaos.  (I am listening to my beagle's deep, sleepy breathing and it calms me, too.) 

Help me to be more gentle with my increasingly disorganized husband.  He is not completely disorganized; don't get me wrong.  I get frustrated when he is illogical, when he misunderstands me, when he focuses on minutiae and misses the bigger points and issues.  I am afraid that he might have encroaching age-related cognitive decline, and I am disappointed in his lack of ambition and direction in anything other than his woodworking business.  That is not entirely true: he is committed to the refugee ministry, too.  However, he seems to be neglecting our home and its upkeep and maintenance, especially on projects that I am unable to do.

So that is my confession, Abba, for today.  :(  Today, I am preparing for our church dinner.  I need to get moving soon.  My YD has distracted me with her dental anxiety, which is not a complaint.  BTW, Abba, please calm her anxiety and grant her the peace and comfort of Your presence.  That is something I typically would forget to bring to You--stupidly, I admit, but You care for even the smallest details of our lives and relationships.

Maybe that is my "God Shot" for today....

I love You, too.  Gotta run!

Deep Breath

 

Hi, Abba.  My head is cluttered.  I think that may be the propulsion behind my effort to declutter a little bit today.  There is such a lot, such a large number, of issues swirling around my life that I do what many people seem to do: ignore them all.

• Bailey and I went for a 20-minute walk in the drizzle at Davis Hill just a little while ago.  That felt good!
• I watched ~52 minutes of the Recall Training video done by The Beagle Lady today.  That felt good, too.
• I am still waiting for the grievance decision.  I suspect I will be waiting for a long time, if history is a good predictor.
• The job interview scheduled for this past Monday was rescheduled because the interviewer called in sick.  It is now a virtual interview for this coming Monday at 11 a.m.  May Your will be done.
• In the meantime, I need to respond to at least three job offers in order to satisfy unemployment rules...IF they have even approved my application.

See what I mean, Abba?  And this does not even take into account the party for my MIL on Saturday, or the Community Dinner next Friday, or teaching Sunday School, or whatever pops up and requires flexibility.  

But You are always sufficient.  You are enough.  My "God Shot" today might have been the subtext of the last chapters of 1 Samuel and the first chapters of 2 Samuel--that it is not only entirely possible but also entirely usual that people *think* they are following, honoring, and obeying You but they are not.  Some of this is attributable to not listening closely enough to You or going ahead with what they think is what You want.  So much of that very same thinking is present in this time, this culture.  Help me, Abba, to know You so well that I know what You would want and to listen to You so carefully that I know what You are commanding.  Please.

Amen.

There You Are Again

 From today's psalms:

• Psalms 7:8 "Let [You] judge the peoples.  Vindicate me, Lord, according to my righteousness, according to my integrity, O Most High."
• Psalms 31:17-18 "Let me not be put to shame, LORD, for I have cried out to You; but let the wicked be put to shame and be silent in the realm of the dead.  Let their lying lips be silenced, for with pride and contempt they speak arrogantly against the righteous."
• Psalms 31:12 "I am forgotten as though I were dead...."
• Psalms 34:13 "keep your tongue from evil and your lips from telling lies."
• Psalms 34:15 "The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous, and His ears are attentive to their cry"
• Psalms 34:17 "The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them"
• Psalms 52:2-4 "You who practice deceit, your tongue plots destruction; it is like a sharpened razor.  You love evil rather than good, falsehood rather than speaking the truth.  You love every harmful word, you deceitful tongue!"

And finally:

    "I trust in [Your] unfailing love for ever and ever....And I will hope in Your name, for Your name is good." (Psalsm 52:8b and 9b)

Truth and justice, O Lord my God, are the cries of my heart!  Amen.

Voice of God, Voice of Truth

 

Maybe practice is making me better at hearing You (I am recalling that funny reel where a child protests the "practice makes perfect" platitude!) because I feel like I am hearing Your voice more often in these days of difficulty.  Most recently, in the TBK (The Bible Kneecap) podcast yesterday, these words came off the page and out of the speaker with power:

"We praise You for the way sin bends to serve Your ultimate will.  It never has the last word, God, and that is so comforting."

I could not have needed that truth more.  Her first statement addressed "Your sovereignty over timing."  In my readings/listenings, it is clearer to me than ever that our human version of "all things work together for good for those who love God" is often distorted, if not outright corrupted, by our humanity.  Many of Your people died believing in You.  Many suffered and continue to suffer.  Sometimes it is years, if ever, that we see Your deliverance here on earth.  Will that be so for me?  Will I see justice?  I will continue to cry out for justice just as Your people have done for millennia.  I will also be content to trust Your sovereignty over timing.  

All things for Your will, Abba.  Amen!

Taking Every Thought Captive

"We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."  2 Corinthians 10:5

Abba, so many thoughts about the hearing this morning on the Step 3 grievance.  I know that I have cried out to you for justice.  I continue to cry out for justice.  I believe that You revealed a few things this morning that I want to capture here for Your help in assessing them for truth:

1) The basic difference of recollection, which I have difficulty not calling an outright lie, involves the charge that I "ripped off" a hijab. That just did not happen.  If I start from that point of difference, much of the subsequent actions and disclosures fit into the puzzle more fully.

2) Near the beginning of the hearing, the Assistant COO/Compliance was asked for her recollection of the events of the day.  She struggled.  Of course, that day is now 10 months in the past; I have to concede that.  One of the things that she emphasized, however, struck me: The ACOO stated that the person was very upset *and that they spent a lot of time discussing the many instances of discrimination in DMH and at WRCH.*  To me it seemed that the focus of the discussion was not on my specific interaction with this person but on the general atmosphere of discrimination that the person had experienced over a long period of time.

3) The DMH person handling that side of the hearing (WT) emphasized how long the process of investigation often takes.  He claimed, admitting that he did not have any documentation, that the investigation and the Show Cause hearing were ongoing and in process well before the publication of the article.  This troubled me because it is a claim that cannot be verified.  It also leads into the next point.

4) Once the article was published, the process went remarkably quickly.  Reasoning that the article only came out in the July 12 edition of the journal, and that people might not have read it immediately, it seems that the intervening week and a half would cover the discovery of the article and discussion about how to address this revelation.

The following is my opinion only: Even the witness's statement described a pleasant and even complimentary interaction between the person and me.  If, as I noted earlier, the person complained more broadly about DMH and WRCH--remember, she was initially not inclined per ACOO report to file a complaint--then I might be the scapegoat to prove that DMH/WRCH were addressing workplace violence and discrimination seriously.  Reportedly, the HRO encouraged the person to file a complaint, but what was not said was whether the complaint would be just against me or more generally against the department and the hospital.  (NB The HRO had come to me on the down-low to give me a heads-up that this situation was happening, and not the way he had anticipated.)

Well, God, as with everything, the situation is fully in Your hands.  I am safe there no matter what happens.  There is no place I would rather be.

I love You, too, so much--and not enough.

Amen.

Prayer Time with Many Issues

Abba Father, we will see a tentatively scheduled hearing on the termination grievance this week.  May I cry out to You for justice?  I see Your people across millennia being oppressed by others, which You have allowed but from which You want to set Your people free.  I have tried to take Your viewpoint on this situation, believing that You had allowed it to happen with little to no forewarning.  I can't see what I could have done differently since the interaction seemed innocuous and friendly.  My heart cries out for justice.  I know that there are SO many Bible verses asking You to bring justice, and trying to choose one that captures my sadness and my pleading would take a lot of time and even more confusion.  This may be a good one, though, thanks to a Google search:

"Don't you know [yes, I do!] that God, the true judge, will grant justice to all his chosen ones who cry out to him night and day?  He will pour out his Spirit upon them." Luke 18:7  TPT

"EVEN EVIL BENDS TO GOD'S WILL." (Tara-Leigh on today's recap)

Abba, I am ready to be drenched in Your Spirit.  At least I am, and I definitely want to be.  I want to be one of those chosen ones who cries out to You constantly, all day long, and I pray that You will grant justice to me.  You are my true judge; You are the world's true judge.  We all need true and wise judges more than ever before.  Whatever Your will for the outcome of this trying trial, may I accept it graciously and faithfully.

As Tara-Leigh says,

I love You, too.  Amen.

Counting on You

 "...even God’s enemies who have deceived God’s people end up serving God’s purposes and glory."  Tara-Leigh Cobble on Day 84 of The Bible Recap transcript.

Oh, Abba, I considered writing this entry about courage and discouragement.  I am struggling lately with the discouragingly slow pace of resolving my dilemma with work, or more accurately, with termination from work.  One of the recent verses from Joshua references both courage and discouragement: 

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:9

These are commands.  That they are commands implies that I have some role in obeying these commands.  That implication suggests that courage and discouragement are less emotionally based than behaviorally based.  Is that right?  How do I behave courageously?  Do I make myself do something in the face of, against the background of, feelings of discouragement? 

Show me, Abba, what to do.  I will do it.  In the meantime, I will ask You every day for Your agenda.  So far today, when I jotted down three things (and two other things that I did not write down), I have done all but one.  Time to go do that one thing.

I am counting on You, Abba, to do something big and miraculous and maybe unexpected or even unimaginable, the way you did in Joshua 9-11, my reading today,

I love You, too.

Calm My Anxious Heart

 Abba, there is a lot coming up in my life in the next 2-4 weeks.  

• I learned that a hearing date for the grievance of inappropriate termination is likely to happen during the week of March 25
• --when we are supposed to be in New Jersey.  
• I am trying to figure out what to do about income and insurance, particularly dental and vision.  
• I am writing statements in my head for all the things I would like the grievance officer to learn.  
• I am anticipating my niece's funeral and the profound sadness that will accompany that day.  

I am trying to stay focused, Abba, without feeling overwhelmed.  I am not succeeding too well.  Things come and go from my memory and my consciousness without leaving traces or hints.  

I admit, Father God, that I am distracted.  I will try to get one task completed before I leave.  Forgive me for all the things, attitudinal and behavioral, known and unknown, that constitute sin against You.  Purify my heart and direct my path--and calm my anxious heart.

Love You.  Amen.

Curse to Blessing

 Deuteronomy 23:5 NLT "He [The LORD your God] turned the intended curse into a blessing because the Lord your God loves you."

I am afraid to take this verse out of context and to apply it to the upcoming grievance hearing, Abba. Would You let it be so?  I need a little encouragement,

Also in Nehemiah 13:2!  (Referring to the same Bible event with Balaam)

You Must Purge the Evil

 Adonai, You abhor evil.  What confuses me about this trait of Yours is how You separate out hating evil from being angry at people who practice evil--which would be all of us at one time or another.  Or am I not getting the point here?  Perhaps being angry at someone who does evil is not wrong.  Scripture seems filled with Your anger at Your wayward followers, while at the same time emphasizing Your compassion, forgiveness, and love toward them.  My mind is exploding.  

In my own situation regarding the false accusation and all the consequences of it, Abba, I am having a lot of trouble straddling this line.  I am enraged at the damage done to me by the management of the interaction with a Muslim woman.  As I read (or listen to) Your word in Deuteronomy, I see that the testimony of *more than one* witness is required when an accusation is made, and that did not happen here.  In fact, I believe that the witness's testimony, while probably not malicious in intent, was affected by the victim's interaction with him prior to his giving his statement.  BUT of course, there are two problems with this observation: one, I have no documentary proof that this happened or affected the testimony, and two, the state does not follow Your rules, or even the rules of courts and laws and trials.  (I might get fairer treatment in a courtroom, but these days, even that is uncertain.)

So, Father, You can see why the repeated line in my Bible devotional today impressed me.  "You must purge the evil...."  Of course, the first place from which I must purge the evil--is from my own heart and life.  This is why I am asking You to help me figure out the balance between hating the evil woven into this situation and being angry at those who have perpetrated this evil, and behaving in a Godly way.

You can also see why my heart has chosen the theme of JUSTICE for this year.  Justice can be risky if I deserve punishment.  Here is another balancing act: justice and forgiveness.  (Deep thoughts)  It seems to me, in individual up to global venues, that justice is not valued anymore.  Winning is the thing!  

"Ask Him for wisdom.  Ask Him for heart change." I need both, God.  I need them both in buckets, large and overflowing buckets.  I want so much to represent You well, even in this weirdo time of trial.

Love You.

How Blessed

 "The Righteous and The Wicked Contrasted.  How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, nor stand in the path of sinners, nor sit in the seat of scoffers!  But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night.  He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither.  And in whatever he does, he prospers.  (Psalms 1:1-3)" 

Thoughts on trees and growth and fruit: Trees take a while to establish their roots and prepare to bear fruit.  There is that theme of time, patience, and waiting again.  How long, Lord?  I know that in many of the Gospels, as well as in the Old Testament and the Epistles and *especially* Revelation, the length of time for You to take action frustrates us humans!

Being misunderstood is also tremendously frustrating--and I do recognize that You were, and are, so misunderstood.  What is it like for You, Lord?  What was it like when You were on earth?  From what I know and think, perhaps You were also frustrated.  Heartbroken, even, because Your good intentions--great and holy and loving intentions!--were twisted and mangled and dirtied.  I feel like that.  My intentions were not as pure as Yours, but as I have examined my heart and have said the words that describe the finding of the complaint, I do not find my heart *that* evil.  "I am a racist, violent bigot."  

Am I?  Do I have that in my heart?  

I know I have sin in my heart.  I know that I have some bad attitudes, a lot of sinful pride, a sharp tongue and an arrogance that can make me difficult to get along with.  I also know that I am not what I am accused of being, just as You knew that You were not a blasphemer and an agent of Satan.

Lord, I am determined to await Your vindication of me.  Please let it come soon.  My faith is not that strong, and I waver at times.  Help me to be blessed in the way that Psalm 1 describes.

Plans for Me

Abba, without choosing the particular verse but only saying to myself that I would choose the first Old Testament verse in my Bible Memory list, I "chose" Jeremiah 29:11~~

"For I know the plan I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

May I interpret Your communication with me here? The administrative leave has turned into a termination, and my head is swimming with partial pieces of information and memories.  I *will* trust that You are leading me in this path and, of course, that You knew the path that was coming up before it happened.

More and more I am seeing how much injustice and untruth is in the world, both currently and historically.  I am seeing that it may take years to bring justice, and that sometimes the justice does not come for the perpetrators until well after they die. I confess that I had a subtle belief that people somehow, however slightly, deserved the injustice being committed against them.  Now I am in this situation and I may be found guilty by lies.

Abba, please inspire me to draft a compelling--and true!--account of the incident in question.  Whether or not it will be accepted into my personnel record, it may help me to put it in writing.  Help me to be calm, thoughtful, organized, and respectful.  Please bless, with exceptional efficiency, my meeting with the union representative this afternoon.  I want to honor You in this very weird situation.  Please grant this for both of us.  

In Jesus's name~~Amen.

Distractible

 

I am pretty distractible these days.  I am trying to tick off my to-do list items and I keep getting off track.  I also have trouble focusing on praying, Father.  

I don't even know where to begin.  Is that one of the symptoms of distractibility?  I am waiting for this YouTube to finish so that I can knock off my Duolingo, where I am pretty far behind.  

(And I moved up 14 places!  Amazing what focus can do.  And a 2x boost.)

I admit to preoccupation with the political climate.  I have a great fear and disappointment that reason and truth do NOT penetrate the blindness of those people who are believing lies.  Why is that, Abba?  Can You help me to understand what is going on?

A few Bible verses are coming to mind...

• 2 Corinthians 4:4
• John 12:40
• 1 John 2:11

(For some reason, being at the car dealership is blocking my access to certain websites, including those where I could retrieve these verses.)

But I will finish for now, Father, since my car will be ready soonish.  Thanks for tolerating my distractibility.  You know I love You!  (Shades of Peter the apostle.)

Updated 02/23/24 with the Bible verses!

• 2 Corinthians 4:4 The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.
• John 12:40 (from Isaiah 6:10) "He has blinded their eyes and hardened their hearts, so that can neither see with their eyes, nor understand with their hearts, nor turn--and I would heal them."
• 1 John 2:11 But anyone who hates a brother or sister is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness.  They do not know where they are going, because the darkness has blinded them.

Prayer Times

 Abba, the world is in shambles, and You seem to be hiding.  I don't blame You for that.  A lot of people, including some who claim to be Your people, don't appear to be looking for You anyway.  "We have made You too small in our eyes," and we have also made You in our image--selfish, capricious, harshly judgmental.  

So many prayer concerns:

1) The oldest daughter and her boyfriend

2) That boyfriend's immigration issues and...

3) ...their (possible?) effect on his relationship with her.

4) Your relationship with both daughters.  They are so *done* with Christian hypocrisy.

5) Both of our elderly mothers.

6) The younger nieces and nephews and their various struggles (such as cirrhosis of the liver....).

I get overwhelmed with more than six things at a time.  These are more than enough for today, although there are SO many more.  Don't hide, Abba.  Show up.  Show Yourself.  Do a miracle or two not just for us but for Your glory and Your kingdom, please.

In Jesus's name and in the Spirit of God~~Amen.

Heartbroken and Disheartened

 

God!  My heart is broken, at the very least bruised, because of the disillusionment of my elder daughter with her "Christian" employer and the current evangelical Christian world.  My younger daughter long ago became disillusioned with conservative evangelicalism.  That disillusionment alone does not hurt me.  They both assure me that they still love Jesus.  Rather, it is the decision of my eldest to live with her boyfriend.  Without going into all the details that You already know, the arrangement may or may not include sex.  That is between You and them.  It is the raw, blunt pain in her announcement that she will not work for a faith-based institution ever again, and her cooling attachment to the church in her city, seemingly because of hurtful attitudes and maybe comments.

I feel like we--You and I--are fighting a losing battle, Lord.  I know You win.  I am counting on that.  But I feel bad.  What has Your church done to Your reputation?  

Last week's sermon about confrontations with the Jewish (read: religious) leaders hit a weak spot.  So many believers, at times including my own DH, have unquestioningly accepted the proclamations of the Christian leaders of our times.  Woe to those leaders who have mislead, or lead astray, Your people!

Would You consider an intervention of a miraculous sort, Abba?  I know that You will not interfere with a person's free will, and I also know that You soften and harden hearts.  Please soften hearts in my family.  These are awful times when injustice, untruth, and frank evil are rampant.  But You win.

Amen!

Learning from Leviticus

 Good afternoon, Abba.  I have to grab a few minutes to write/pray here while DH is out grocery shopping.  I have so much on my mind; yet I want to have only YOU on my mind.  "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God." Colossians 3:1-2, a little mashed up.

One thing, a big thing, that I want to talk to You about is our oldest daughter and her man.  Abba, how often do you see me, or us, making unwise decisions and choosing a path that is not Your way?  I have laid out my case before her, and now I ask--maybe even beg--You to soften their hearts and provide a path for them to save face and, honestly, money.  Following You can be hard, and You don't promise otherwise.  You also command those of us who have the means to help (James 2) to help--even sacrificially.  Please bring it all together to glorify Yourself, and give all of us, every individual among us, the exact thing we need to continue to "trust and obey" You.

Back to Leviticus: Ah, the exquisite detail.  It all matters, perhaps in some ways we don't yet understand.  I love remaining faithful to being in the Word every day, and I am thankful for the person who developed this program to help and explain a lot of things.  

To You be all the glory!  These times are not terribly glorifying to You, but I am determined to be.  I can't do it on my own, though.  Holy Spirit, come and indwell me.  Make me Your hand puppet.  IJN (In Jesus's Name)~~Amen.

More Complaining Than Praising?

 What struck me today in my Bible reading and devotional were two things:

1.  How much You, LORD, want our *holy* consecration to You.
2.  How much we, Your people, complain more than we praise You (thanks to TLC for this point--a good one).

DH is on his way home and I must go quickly.  I praise You!

Manna and Still Complaining

 

Like my brothers and sisters during the time of Exodus and manna, I am "complaining" about Your generous provision, Abba. My complaint is pretty silent; outwardly, I am thankful. Inwardly, I am growing discouraged and impatient. Please forgive me. I will trust that You will bring something good out of this ... well, I want to call it a debacle!  

Meanwhile, Angie and liver failure. Amy and her financial stress and distress. Chris and his immigration issue. Julie and her dissatisfaction with her current job, and leading toward a new and better one. Enough to ask You about!  

Be glorified, Abba. You deserve it so much, and You deserve so much more than You get. 

Learning from Exodus

 Father, the thing from Exodus that jumped out at me today was the ~430 years in Egypt.  Several generations came and went without seeing Your deliverance, and yet some of them held on to hope.  What faithfulness in the face of mistreatment, lies, injustice, and challenge.  I want to be as tenaciously faithful as those heroes were.  I want to continue to live a righteous, Godly, loving, and gracious life while awaiting Your action, which, of course, does not come as quickly as I want.  

I will wait more or less patiently, probably more on the less side.  Your timing, Your ways, and Your resolutions are always perfect.  

Amen.

Seeing God in the World

 Help me to see You and Your work in the world and in my life, Abba.  Sometimes it is subtle and I need really good perception.

Eagle Eye View

Abba Father, I chose that title above to grab for Your overall omniscience. You see everything! You know everything. You have purpose that cannot be stopped. As I was reminded this morning by the worship song, YOU WON’T FAIL. 

This truth can be hard to embrace in the trials and tribulations of the immediate moment. I heard again in my devotional this morning in Exodus that the Jewish people waited almost (another) 400 years between Joseph and Moses. This makes my short 6-month-and-counting leave seem infinitesimal in comparison. It also makes the difficult spiritual climate in the evangelical church come into some focus, given that You, Abba, allowed Your people to endure those centuries of oppression before You rescued them.

I am going to try to embed a link to the song “Firm Foundation,” better remembered by me as “He Won’t.” 

Multiple Titles for Posts

Abba, it has been challenging this week to keep my focus.  In my mind I have considered several posts with titles that might reflect where my distractions have been:

• Spiritual Problems, Spiritual Solution (regarding the state of religion and politics, especially the evangelical church)
• What Does She Want? (regarding my accuser's imagined endgame)
• Justice in Several Areas (the former president, my daughter's low salary, and my own false accusation)

I am continuing with The Bible Recap assignments on a daily basis and I marvel (not the first time) at how You use the Scriptures for the day to speak to my heart, my life, and my soul.  Joseph ultimately forgave and blessed his brothers, who treated him so badly, not before making them grovel a little bit!  He practiced a bit of subterfuge and sleight of hand, too.  I have seen Joseph's business acumen, wisdom, and breath of knowledge as well.  This guy was no lightweight.  I wouldn't mind being a bit like him with respect to his endurance of false accusations, careful restoration of relationships (thinking about my DH's recent question about forgiving my accuser), and management of wealth and business.

In this meantime, Lord Father, let me be more faithful and devoted.  Show me how to do this in ways that are effective and honoring to You.  We may well be entering into a period of history when evil seems to triumph, when justice seems to be slow in coming.  You ultimately bring it!  May I not rush ahead of Your perfect timing.

Amen!

Bent to God's Will

I don't know if I can clip the part of today's Bible Recap sermonette that hit me hard.  If I can't, I will get the whole thing here, with a special focus around minutes 6:40 to 7:25.

In short, God's will cannot be thwarted by human sin--mine or others.  This section of Scripture is filled with examples of humans trying to mess with God's plans.  Interference, delay, distractions, and redirections never seem to work out in the moment--or sometime they do seem to!--but ultimately God wins.  He always wins.  

There is also the phenomenon that what goes around often comes back around.  Deceit begets deceit, and the deceiver becomes the deceived.  Two things come to my own mind, Father God: one, may I be a person of truth, always, and two, may justice come.  My prayer foci (plural of focus, right?) are for a just salary for Amy, a just resolution for my work leave, and a just outcome for the nation and the world who are in the gripping throes of lies and injustice.

I find myself pondering the problems facing the prophets and even Jesus.  People were defiant and sinful, rejecting messages of repentance and love in favor of their worldly pursuits and pleasures.  Their eyes were blinded?  It certainly seems that way now.  No matter how much truth is presented to them, they refuse to consider it.  Several honorable Christians have observed that this seems to be idolatry and a dramatic misunderstanding of the non-worldly nature of both the Kingdom of God and the United States.

Abba, keep my eyes focused above, according to Colossians 3:1-2~~

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.  Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

Amen.

(Remember: especially from ~6:40-7:25!) 

Vindication and Restoration of Job

My "God Shot" for today's reading is the vindication of Job and restoration of his fortunes.  May it be so for me, too, God.  I want to be as faithful and as honest with You as Job was.  Help me to hold on!

Me and Job

(This could be "punny" since I intended it to reference the Biblical character, but the application to my employment is equally pertinent.)

Looking back on my "readings" to which I listened over the past days of my devotions, and for whatever reason the author chose to focus on Job, I find You and Your providential leading--again. Today's reading in Job 6 is titled "Job Replies: My Complaint is Just." I feel that way, too. In verses 10b-11, Job says what I feel:

"for I have not denied the words of the Holy One. What is my strength, that I should wait? And what is my end, that I should be patient?"

Tara Leigh Cobble, who hosts and directs the one-year Bible reading plan the Bible Recap, spoke about this chapter's character Bildad's false accusation against Job. That's how I feel: falsely accused. And of course, Jesus, You were also falsely accused. Seems like there is a lot of that going around....

So my God Shot of today concerns Your faithfulness to the falsely accused. You know the truth.. You will vindicate me in due time, although Your time is not my time, and I am impatient. Knowing when, whether, and why to poke the bear is risky. Only You, God, knows the right timing for this situation. Until then, I submit and surrender to Your will.

Amen.

The Goodness of Growing Smaller*

 "A season of decrease."  Idolatry.  I have been on this administrative leave now for 20 weeks.  I have had no communication from the hospital since September 28 and from the union since October 3.  These two themes from my recent readings are top of mind this morning as I write here

God, did I create an idol of my identity as a social worker?  Am I "growing smaller"?  It feels weird, and it seems rather nice in a way to be at home so much.  I had been used to having so little time to do many of the tasks I have done and still have to do this season, and now I have the time.  Even time to journal here more often has been a blessing of growing smaller and decreasing.

And yet.  Last night, as I was drifting off to sleep, I recalled the 400 years between the last recorded words of God in the Old Testament and the arrival of Jesus in the New.

Four hundred years.

What did the faithful people of God think and feel during those years?  That is about five lifetimes for some people.  Is God real?  Has He abandoned us?  Why is He silent?  Did we do something wrong?  What are we waiting for?  What is He waiting for?

"The Fullness of Time."  (Coincidentally or not, our Advent theme at The Journey!)

God, please help me to see goodness in this time of decrease.  Help me to redefine myself according to Your leading.  "He (Jesus) must increase but I must decrease."  Amen!

Validated

Abba, I am almost finished listening to a book on Audible titled "The Kingdom, The Power, and The Glory" by Tim Alberta.  I feel both sad and validated.  I have been so profoundly dejected about the political and spiritual condition of the evangelical church, especially in light of the support for the vile ex-president--and his rising poll numbers.  Call me conspiratorial, but I harbor a strong suspicion that Russia and perhaps China (maybe other countries) are manipulating polls and even the candidate.  However, having been listening to this book, I am discouraged that SO many evangelicals and far-right conservatives either cannot or will not consider the truth.  

Truth.

Probably because this book has outlined not only modern-day but also historical and even Biblical examples of persecution and power, all based on failure to follow God and Godly standards of behavior, I am feeling validated but no less despondent.  In fact, if something positive comes out of his book for me, Abba, it is the camaraderie of sadness that Tim describes for himself and for many of the Christian leaders he interviewed for the book.  It is a feeling of lament.  

Why am I surprised?  The Enemy is the Father of Lies, right?  

You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.  (John 8:44)

Help me, Abba God.  I find examples all over my life of your people facing persecution, false accusations (yes, still going on with that administrative leave), and "spiritual leaders" who are not Godly.  "Christians are taught never to place their faith in man....we are predisposed to making gods out of athletes, entertainers, politicians, anyone who can dazzle and fill us with awe."  We are "idol-making factories," said Calvin.

We are indeed.  And I see an idol in the current Republican ... what do I call him? ... standard-bearer.

God, have mercy on us.  Deliver us from evil and spare us for a time to rededicate ourselves to serving You and reaching out to this broken world.

Gracefully Broken

 Abba, this song had me in full-on tears this morning.  I am so broken.  My identity as a social worker has been ripped out of the fabric of my self-esteem.  

"Here I am, God, arms wide open/Pouring out my life/Gracefully broken."

I am not sure about the graceful adjective.   That doesn't describe me very well.  Of course, if You pour Your grace into me until I am filled, then that would make me "grace-full."  Where is my leak?  It feels like I lose some grace somewhere in a subtle and hard-to-discern puncture or tear in my protective wall.  (Here I sit at the Toyota dealership getting my tire, which is losing air pressure, diagnosed.  This motif is on my mind.)

Plug the leak in me, Holy Spirit.  Sometimes such surgical repair is painful but beneficial.  I consent to the procedure!  (Maybe what is happening now is the procedure.  Keep my character and my heart under Your control, please.)

Unexpected Turns

 I considered what to write about here, Abba Father, and I leaned toward taking an idea from my YouVersion devotional Bold and Brave: Women of Welcome.  This was the first sentence:

"Trusting God can be difficult, expecially when life has taken an unexpected turn."

Oh, yes.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick.  Proverbs 13:12 is one of the verses accompanying today's reading.  Truthfully (always!), I am not sure anymore that I "hope" to return to work.  I have enjoyed many parts of this time off.  I probably needed it.  The uncertainty of the resolution does wear on me, and I think it wears on DH as well.  

One of the next challenges I will face will be the explanation of this leave.  I hesitate to tell the story partly

because I am aware of every storyteller's bias--to make him or herself blameless.  It would help if I, like Jesus, could unequivocally claim to be blameless!  

Unexpected turns.  I would not have expected this one.  But You are faithful, You are good, You hold and know the future.  I will put my little hand in Your big one and trust You.  And I will move forward.

In Jesus's name and with love~~Amen. 

Faith for an Unknown Future

 "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."  Corrie ten Boom, unknown date.

Hello, Father Abba.  At this point, on November 13, it has been over 15 weeks of "administrative leave."  This was most certainly an unknown future and may continue to be.  But I know You!  I know You not as well as I want to or as I need to, but I am on the way.  Even in not knowing when Corrie said the quote above--before or after the most horrible things happened to her--I am practicing that trust in knowing You.  

In reality, none of us knows the future, making it by definition unknown.  I hear many people saying, "I don't know what/where/when/who...." and I often answer them by noting that no one knows those answers.  (I could stop doing that.)  I suspect that I am encountering the weak faith of many people.  My own faith is not that strong; however, I may have matured to the point where I have enough faith, just enough, to accept that there are many things I don't know.

• I don't know if Tue and his parents are coming this weekend.
• I don't know when I might return to work.
• I don't know what the outcome of the administrative leave will be.
• I don't know what DH's cardiology appointment will reveal.
• I don't know.....

But I know You!

Not everything that will happen to me will be good.  Not everything that will happen in the world or is happening in the world is good.  But I know that You are good.  In that sure and certain knowledge I put my faith for my own unknown future.

Faithful to Protect ME

I rather like it when Your messages to me are reinforced and repeated in different areas of my life.  <Smile>  In Sunday School with the little kids, the "big idea" was "God protects me."  We played around with several ways the children might feel the need to be protected, some of which they might not yet even understand.  (Vaccinations or "shots," police and firefighters who are best known to the children *before* they are needed, parents--of course!--and loving relatives, and too many more to list.)

But this verse speaks to my heart today.  *I* need to be protected from the evil one.  The evil one is after me in both overt and covert ways.  Earlier today, my DH expressed annoyance (at the best end of the spectrum) at the LENGTHY time period with no resolution of my administrative leave.  I am discouraged if not annoyed myself.  Abba, here is the sneakiest way that the evil one attacks me and the area in which I need the most protection: loss of FAITH in You.  In other words, my own faithlessness.

So I will remember (with needed reminders from time to time) that You, Lord, are faithful,  You will strengthen me, and You will protect me from the evil one.  You *are* protecting me from the evil one.  Please hold up my flagging faith when I falter.  

You are always faithful.  You are always good.

Faithful: The Very Definition

  According to Merriam Webster, You, our God, are the dictionary definition of faithful:

"Steadfast in affection or allegiance; loyal; firm in adherence to promises or in observance of duty; conscientious."

The only thing that is, perhaps, not exactly correct in this definition has to do with the idea of "duty" attached to You.  I have a hard time pondering what duties You have, or even Who assigned them to You.  

But Merriam Webster may come to the rescue!  The second definition is the only one that seems to represent Your character:

"Obligatory tasks, conduct, service, or functions that arise from One's position (as in life or in a group)"

That's YOU! Because of Your position as God, Jehovah, Adonai, all those names, You are obliged to be Yourself in all the work, promises, and love that make up Who You are.

And You are faithful.  Completely, unfailingly, perfectly faithful.

And I am so very thankful for it and for You.

Faithful God

 

Faithful God, I *can* always trust the wisdom of Your ways. I must confess that I often don't understand Your ways. I don't mean to be doubtful about this 3-month leave and the silence regarding the resolution that was promised sometime during the first week of September ("within two weeks" of the hearing date of August 24). Here I am, two months out from that promised decision, and the only thing I know is that "the situation is complicated."  I am grateful that I continue to receive my full salary, that I can continue to volunteer and donate platelets and even take care of various house projects that have been neglected for months if not years.  

You have never done things in an easily understandable way, though, have You? Most of the stories that I see in Scripture, both Old and New Testaments, are filled with plot twists and unexpected developments. Something You (Jesus) said to your disciples/apostles about how many times it would take for them to believe You just came to my mind. "How long shall I put up with you?"  (Luke 9)  Indeed.  God, loving and wise God, You *always* know the end of the story and the path to that end. Sometimes the "end" may not be what I would call good, and in those times my own faith in Your faithfulness wavers. (Think Mosaic's closing, for example.)  What is the Lauren Daigle song that says "When You don't give the answers/As I cry out to You, I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You."

I *will* trust in You.  With gratitude. With confidence in Your love for me. With (not enough!) love in my heart for You.

 

Home on a Sunday

 

Abba God, You are a God of great love.  I stayed home today with our sick beagle not because I don't love You but because I do love that dog AND my DH, who had cleaned diarrhea out of the dog crate two mornings!  I am grateful for livestreamed worship services that help me to "be" there.

One heartbreaking bit of information shared at church but which I had already learned about was the fatal shooting at Worcester State University!  It could be paralyzing to decide to stay away from every place where something might happen, because something might happen ANYWHERE.  How, how do Your people live and love in freedom and peace in such a dangerous world?  I know that You are the ultimate Protector; in fact, ,it seems that You have more than one name that reflects Your protective role and nature (El Elohim, Magen, Jehovah-Nissi).  

So, I will trust in Your protection not only for me but also for my beloved ones--my daughters, their men, my DH, my extended family.  Otherwise, Abba, I might never leave this home again, and even then, there is no guaranteed safety anywhere but under Your wing.

I will go start supper!  Thank You for this chance to be home on a Sunday.

Observations

 

My Adonai, in the past few weeks (months?), I remember talking to You about seeing You in the daily experiences of life.  Today I believe I have an observation from You: I feel better when I don't listen to the news, when I focus on accomplishing concrete and specific tasks on my list, and when I indulge in some reading/listening to books, songs, and other artistic endeavors.  I also feel better when I write here in this journal/blog.  The secrets of my heart!  Not even my DH would be entrusted with them!

Speaking of my DH, he seems shaken by his deferral from blood donation for irregular bradycardia.  Abba, he takes such pride in being strong and healthy, as he measures it by the number on a scale.  (He can be somewhat judgmental about overweight people, and he tries to blame most medical problems on failures of diet.)  Please reassure him.  His life, like mine, is in Your hands.

Today is a beautiful day suited to early Fall, even though it is moving toward the end of October.  Climate change!  You are on the move, and the climate is only one of the early indicators, but there are others and they need to turn our eyes to You.  I am looking, Father.  Let me observe.

I love You.  Amen.

House Arrest

 

Not for the first time, Lord God, have I compared my administrative leave to Paul's house arrest.  

• Held in Rome
• Two year duration
• Able to live in his own home
• Unable to travel
• Constant company from a Roman guard

Two years!  It possibly could have gone longer if Paul had not decided to appeal to Caesar.  That makes me wonder whether I should or should not "appeal" since Paul's appeal resulted in his conviction and execution.

Pastor Toms's preaching about Esther yesterday was interesting in that Tom made fun of patriarchal ideology and that he also emphasized that we sometimes--maybe most times--do not foresee why God places us in certain positions, sometimes for long, boring periods.  So here I am.  (My computer is losing juice; so, I will end this post but listen to the sermon/service again.)

"Waiting here for YOU."

Friendship

 My devotional plan this week, in large part because it has weighed on my heart, is titled "Wisdom for Friendships."  Please, Abba Father, bless the card I plan (but ONLY if You permit!) to send to Ohio.  

How awful it would be for me if You did not carry the weight of our friendship!  I am not a great friend.  I watch my daughters, who spend money and time and effort to maintain their friendships.  Help me, please, to learn and practice better friendship skills.

I admit to being preoccupied with the political landscape.  It is this very landscape, and the divergent views of it, that has wreaked havoc on relationships in many places.  Seal my lips, Lord, and deliver me from the belief that my "superior" logic and reasoning can convince anyone to change their position.

Here goes....

A Sign of Commitment

 I have been watching a show set in Regency England (the decade of 1811-1820).  It struck me that the sign of commitment to a relationship was correspondence.  Of course.  There were no telephones, no emails, no texts to communicate with loved ones, and the written word carried the message of the heart.  Moreover, it was documentation that was savable and cherished.  

Abba, we speak of Scripture being Your love letter to us for the same reasons.  It remains forever, You say in Isaiah 40.  Some of Your beloveds cherish the actual book, almost idolizing it.  I see how cherished Your words are for us whose souls are bereft of Your presence.

So, I was challenged to take this little bit of solitude to write back to You as a sign of my commitment.  I also want to demonstrate my actual prayer and not just the often-empty and vague promise to pray about situations and people.  If I recall what I used to do many years ago, with long lists of "prayer requests," I smile at my youthful and zealous naivete and I also regret the emphasis on prayer as intercession and requests.  It is so much more.  

Thanks to Your sacrificial love, I can end this entry with this closing:

Eternally Yours,

Me

Failed Already

 Argh, Lord, I get so provoked by illogical conclusions.  I am especially provoked when my DH engages in them, mainly because I want to believe he is smarter than that.  Maybe that is my own fault.  I can overlook the failure of logic in people whom I know to have some limitations.  I wish my DH did not fall into that category, but perhaps he does.

So, I failed again.  I listen to Scripture and to young adult fiction (currently "Eldest"), and I see and hear examples of stubborn, irrational characters.  I observe current events and the political positioning of politicians courtesy of frank lies, which are generously named "misinformation."  But when DH reaches a conclusion based on faulty reasoning and incomplete information, let alone a critical thinking process, it makes me nuts.  When I am nuts, my mouth operates almost independently of my mind and my will.  Ugh.

So much to pray about, God.  The world really doesn't go well these days.  I would like to spend some time reflecting--maybe a more accurate description would be preparing by reflecting--on how others of Your people lived through oppression, wars, and evil.  Knowing that reason and logic will not convince some, even many, people might be a first step.  False accusations are also common during such times.  Standing firm and peaceful, confident that I am listening to and following You, is what I want and ask for myself.  Would You grant me that?  It would go a long way to strengthening me for these frightening times ahead,

Love You, God.  Deaf though I am in my physical and spiritual hearing, I want to hear Your voice and see what You are doing.  May You grant that to me!  Amen.

Learning to Listen

Father Abba, over the past few devotional times I have had, I have picked up (a little) on the notion of discernment and listening.  Quiet--solitude--watching and SEEING and listening attentively--reflecting on all those inputs to see if the puzzle pieces fit together into a picture of what You are doing in me and maybe in the world, too.  There are lots of distractions; some of them might have small, oddly-shaped he pieces of the puzzle.  Wars, natural disasters, internal and relational stressors, and in all of it, uncertainty that provokes anxiety.  EXCEPT there are no unknowns for You!  If I hold onto that single certain truth, I can chase away the anxiety.  I still feel some urgency about not only my own loved ones (think Tue and his faith) but also the innocents of the world (think refugees, victims of war and violence, and even victims of lies and gaslighting).  

I have a client in 30 minutes.  May I listen carefully and attentively to her as well.  

I love You, Lord.  And I lift my voice, my hands, and my heart to worship You.  May I serve You well, not just like Martha (although there is great satisfaction in accomplishment and order) but also like Mary.  Amen!

Verge of Tears

Abba, I am on the verge of tears today.  Whenever I stop to think, to allow myself to think for any length of time, the tears well up.  Much of my angst today and yesterday has come from my DH, with whom I have been disappointed for some time.  If I let my mind go, I can go back over 15 years and find examples of his disregard for me.  There is also the issue of his disrespect for issues and matters of importance to me.  Some of these issues involve racist, sexist, and judgmental attitudes toward people who are disadvantaged or different.  Yet, he serves often and willingly with the refugee ministry, and he serves often and willingly in task-oriented opportunities at church.  Such mind-bending contradictions!  He has provided so well for me and for our daughters.  On the other hand, he is so (annoyingly!) focused on every retirement-advising podcast or publication that he can find that he misses the big picture of what is going on in the world and how it reflects what You are doing in the world.  His interpretations of events and philosophies and political positions enrage me!  How can he be so ill-informed, so bad at critical thinking and evaluation?  Not that a whole lot of people in the US don't embrace those same interpretations...and not that their short-sightedness doesn't similarly enrage me....

I need to move along.  I do love You a lot, and I do acknowledge with a contrite heart that my rage is not pleasing to You.  I have not been very successful (yet, anyway) at stifling my emotional response.  I could use Your help with that.  Of course, and I don't want to use this as an excuse, You also responded angrily at quite a few points in the history of Your people when they were stupid, rebellious, defiant, and disrespectful to You.  Show me when and how, please, to release the anger.  In all things may I reflect You, Your love, Your character.  

Maranatha!  Come, Lord Jesus, and soon!