Unreasonable Partner

 Father, it must be nice for You because whenever we are unreasonable (which, by definition, we are as humans compared to You), You are always right.  Still, You are gracious and patient with us — with me.  

I am having a very hard time with my husband's irrational logic.  Time after time after time, he makes no sense; he misremembers things in the short term; he is sometimes awkward in his understanding (or misunderstanding, sometimes insulting or hostile) of less gifted people.  Example: Today, when we picked up a Congolese girl who would be helping in Children's Ministry at QV, he spoke to her in what I perceived as a condescending manner, though not intentionally.  It showed me, anyway, how little he understands people.  He makes pronouncements that he wants to be accepted as authoritative, but they are easily challenged or disproven.  

I fear (yes, I do fear) that these are early signs of dementia.  He loves his woodworking, and he is excellent at it.  I don't see a strong interest in current events, political - religious issues, or people outside of his comfort zone (read: LGBTQ or intellectually less able or mentally ill).  He really likes simplicity, such as all-or-nothing thinking, sin vs. righteousness (whatever that means in the moment), and comfort.  It is hard for him to think compassionately about people who are less fortunate or who are subject to really difficult situations in the world (Ebola, bombing, terror, ICE detentions, and other situations).  In fact, it is hard for him to think at all about these people.  They don't seem to come into his mind.

You cannot make your partner be reasonable. You cannot logic them into a calmer response. You cannot win an argument with someone who isn't currently capable of being reasoned with. These are not failures on your part — they're just the reality of how human beings work under stress.

What you can control: how you respond. 

 

(https://davidflowerstherapy.com/but-my-partner-is-being-ridiculous)

Father, I would ask that You control how I respond.  I have already demonstrated that I am terrible at responding well.

God Shots: Marriage and Politics

 Happy Birthday, George!  You made it to age 65.  

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Sometimes, Abba, I admit that I see signs of slipping cognitive abilities; Tue commented that his father does not show good judgment from time to time, which Tue attributed to decline, and I was a little shocked at my recognition of similar slippage in DH.  

I also find other signs, too, and some of them may be signs of spiritual slippage as well.  

• Giving me things I do not want and/or I do not request.  Reminds me of the sacrifice of Cain.
• Not getting me things I want, which are often specifically for the purposes of serving him as well as others.  Reminds me of the televangelists and/or the spending of huge amounts of money for programs or features of a building to be impressive.
• The above is not exactly on point; DH actually does not focus on the external features of our home or our marriage, although I have noticed some increased attention to numbers of people, numbers of dollars, or the features of a church.
• Not caring about our sexual relationship until it somehow rises to the point that he misses it.  (I want to cry about this one.)  No concern for (probably) decades about my experience.  Reminds me a great deal of the state of worship and church-hopping during my lifetime.

Probably enough for one entry,  There might be more; in fact, as I write this, I can thing of one or two more issues right away.  But for now, moving on~

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Stepping away from DH and noting thoughts from Amos and previous books of the Old Testament, I find myself weirdly saddened and comforted by how consistently Your people *fail* to follow You.  Sometimes You report this behavior before it happens--and still You often bless them.  

I think Your people are still doing this, Abba.  May I not be counted among those who are faithless and hard-hearted, unrepentant and casual in my relationship with and to You.

Fully Yielded Heart

• 
  "he's an evil king [that is, King Jeroboam II] as far as God and His ways are concerned, and things get really rough for the people during his time."
• "Even as an evil king, Jerry 2 is still accomplishing what God ordained."
• "But Amaziah would not listen, for it was of God, so that he [God] might give them into the hand of their enemies, because they had sought the gods of Edom." (2 Chronicles 25:20)

God our King, these are some of the thoughts that I have had about our current president in the US.  He is an evil king, and things are getting really rough for the people during his time.  But it is true in some ways that the president may well still be accomplishing what You have ordained.  I have wondered whether the hard-heartedness of the president may be "of God, so that [You] might give them into the hand of their enemies, because they had sought [other gods]. 

May I, my God, have a fully yielded heart to You, and may I not seek any other gods but You.

God Shot for My Country

 Father God, may I model my prayer after that of Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles 20~~

O Lord, God of our fathers, are you not God in heaven? You rule over all the nations. In your hand are power and might, so that none is able to withstand you.

Did you not, our God, bless the early inhabitants of this land for your people, and give it to their descendants? 

And they have lived in it and have built for you in it a sanctuary for your name, saying, 

‘If disaster comes upon us, the sword, judgment,[c] or pestilence, or famine, we will stand before this nation and before you—for your name is in your people—and cry out to you in our affliction, and you will hear and save.’

O our God, will you not execute judgment? For we are powerless against this great horde of evil that is coming against us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.

I am crying out for mercy for this nation in its affliction, knowing that many who claim your name are worshipping an idol and, along with myself, do not deserve your mercy. May I not worship an idol or fail to do everything according to your word and your will.  May my heart be tender and aggrieved and open to your discipline, your rebuke, your correction, and your love.  

For the sake of your kingdom and your kingship~~For Jesus's sake and in his name, Amen.

Exhausted

 In oh, so many ways!

This week Bailey and I spent a lot of time with veterinarians.  We met a new one at the Westside Animal Clinic because Holden had no available appointments and then we experienced a great team at the Veterinary Emergency Group.  His problem has two identities: formerly Hemorrhagic GastroEnteritis (or HGE) and now Acute Hemorrhagic Diarrhea Syndrome.  I think for Bailey the term "Syndrome" suggests repetition, and it seems that he may have been fulfilling that suggestion!  This is approximately the third time we have dealt with this particular diagnosis.  Yuck.

My God!  Trying to pray in the manner described in Scripture is sometimes awkward for me.  I chat with You constantly, although sometimes I mistake my own thoughts for a conversation with you.  Real prayer is different, I think.  Example from today's Bible reading from 2 Chronicles 6~~

Now, Lord, the God of [those who have believed in Your Son, Jesus Christ], keep for Your servants the promises You made to us when You said that You would never leave us nor forsake us; that all things would work together for good for those of us who love You; that You have overcome the world.

(I regret that I need to take my dog, the Bailey mentioned above, outside because I smell something!)  

I want to continue this post soon.  Give me time, Lord. 

Wisdom

The wisdom of Proverbs: I wonder what the achievement of wisdom looks like.  I find myself, Adonai, considering whether I am wise "enough" even though I know with full certainty that there is always more wisdom (and knowledge) to gain and develop.

This is a balancing act for me, since I have been precocious probably since childhood and even now, I seem to spot illogical thinking and conclusions easily.  This ability also carries with it responsibility since I often speak out to correct the error without considering that it might not be a wise (there is the word!) time to say anything,  

Ah, yes.  A couple of images that capture the dilemma:

And another

Help me on this issue, please, Lord God.  Another step toward wisdom....

Listening

 

Psalm 50: 6b

"...he is a God of justice."

Elohei Mishpat, where are You now?  There seems to be no justice here.  I want to be where You are, where there is perfect justice blended with Your mercy.  El Rachum is Your name as God of mercy, and I just may need Your perfect mercy more than Your justice, which might be frightening.

Question, Elohei Mishpat: Do I write a rebuttal to the article that accused me of discrimination?  Would it be wise to publish that counterargument?  "If it is not written down, it never happened."  I won't move forward until and unless You tell me to do so.

 

Touched by Angels

 Father God, today I cried some and smiled some.  

• Cried: So much death in 2025 and 2026 for me.  Debbie in January 2025, Wanda (Mom) in September 2025, and pending Mary Ann ("suegra") probably this year.  Songs were associated with Debbie and Wanda; angels of various types, in human form or canine form (and for my nephew Joe, probably in cardinal/avian form); contemplation of how my own life is going to be weighed in your scale.
• Smiled: Two positive things--no, maybe three.  I shared on The Chosen Facebook page (the gifts promotion, I think) that I am wearing the hoodie saying "I have only one thing to do today...FOLLOW HIM."  Someone monitoring that page loved my post.  The young black man at the Toyota dealership, Exavier, said to me as we were leaving, "If no one has told you this today, you are beautiful."  I still feel warmed by his sweet encouragement.  And then thirdly, but first chronologically, my Spanish lesson with Edder was his story about a deaf boy named Leander, and we had so much fun.  I learned so much, and we shared each other's lives and loves (he told me about his partner, Ilich, and sent me a picture of them), and then he made me promise to tell Mary Ann about him when we visit.

Thank You.  I need these little reminders of You and from You.

Requiem

 (Taken from the title of The West Wing episode about Leo McGarry's death)

Abba, there has been a lot of death this year, or it feels like it.  And now Mary Ann's condition does not seem hopeful for a cure or even an extended time of relief from her symptoms.  She has been a difficult person for me to know and to enjoy; that is, not that she is difficult.  She is simple, decent-hearted, and steadfast.  She is not exactly intellectual, and she often talks and thinks in circles.  

Abba, does she know You?  I am not sure, although it is not mine to know.  So, since I am uncertain, the right thing to do is to ask You for the opportunity to have someone of Your choosing to talk with her.  Abba, make her comfortable.  Please help her find great peace in her body and spirit.  I can only imagine (song incoming!) what it would be like to be staring at death, but I would be staring into a glass darkly for a glimpse of Your face.

May she get that glimpse, even with her diminished earthly vision.  May her heart and her spirit catch that glimpse of You, and may it comfort and even excite her!  I believe I would feel that way — and I definitely want to.

Chill Day: Sin and Sanctification

 I have barely 5 minutes until DH returns from his walk with Bailey (even though I had a walk of over an hour at Tower Hill with Bailey today!!).  What can I hear from You today, Abba?

"Harsh and unprofessional" -- toward someone who was violating HIPAA confidentiality rules repeatedly, even after I had asked her to stop prior to this interaction.  I wonder whether that feedback was shared with her.  I think I handled the feedback shared with me better than I have in the past.

My own weaknesses and, yes, sin, "are ever before me."  Where does that line come from?  Psalm 51:3 NASB.  That is where my mind has been dwelling,  Then I think it is You who interrupts me and reminds me that all of that sin is forgiven--and forgotten?  It is a strange contradiction to embrace, Abba.  Would You make that sin diminish, please?  It is not enough to have it all forgiven if the character flaw it represents is not healed and repaired.

I probably have to go now.  I am so thankful even for this short time.

Love!

So Many Titles

 Father God, I have had many titles of posts that I want to make here, and now I cannot remember any of them.  Such is busyness and my memory!  We have had a very productive day, though, haven't we?  Bailey is staring at me right now.  He had better chill because I intend to do his teeth again before DH gets home in 15 minutes or so.

Reflecting on the Scripture readings for today, from 1 Samuel and featuring David and Saul, I see the personal relationship that the former had with You and the fearful relationship that the latter had.  (Did Saul have bipolar disorder?)  I also keep bumping up against the "gross misconduct" termination finding and my emotional distress over the failure of justice.  Or is it just?  In many of the commentaries from The Bible Recap, TLC emphasizes that we deserve all the worst things that befall humanity, sometimes at the hands of others and sometimes at Your hands.  I will accept that I am a terrible human being, that I have not lived up to my own exalted image of myself in my own mind!  Making peace with that notion in this latter stage of my life is going to be a challenging task, I think.  But--You have redeemed me, although I don't think I am such a bargain, Lord.  Keep renovating me.  You are always at work, as the song Way Maker emphasized on my walk with Bailey today.  

Love You but never as much as You deserve.  

Retreat for 20 Minutes

Good morning, Abba, even though it is already almost 11:15 a.m. My client canceled today, with my blessing and understanding; it is an accomplishment of therapy that she chose to use her time for her important task, and believed my repeated offers to her to skip a session. So, would you bless her efforts today?

I have put this "journaling" or retreat time on my to-do list for several days. You know that I don't like to write here because my DH can be nosy, and this is our private space. As I sit here now, and calm my heart and mind, I find tears coming to my eyes repeatedly. I have a lot on my mind, and I need to make all those things get in line, even if not in order of importance.

(My beagle Bailey is sleeping next to me--and he is snoring. Love that boy.)

1. My skeptical son-in-law Tue. What a conversation -- actually, two -- we had on Palm Sunday in Harrisburg! He is in love with my daughter, and he wants to support her return to a church community, but oh my, a healthy church is hard to come by these days. He is, by his own description, looking for a "progressive Christian" church, which I think for him means one that will accept homosexual people. (That is another point that I might need to explore either today or at another time.)  "I am looking, Patricia!" is what I remember his response was when I (twice) quoted the Scripture that promises that "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart" (Jeremiah 29:13). To be fair and balanced, he also pushed back on some of the things that he has trouble believing and accepting. I just don't think those "things" are you.

2. My immigrant son-in-law, or yerno, Christopher.  He is working hard to earn his Nurse Practitioner certification, and he is in love with my daughter (different daughter, of course). He is understandably frightened by the immigration "enforcement" actions of the current administration, and I am, too. For him, Abba, I ask for your divine and extraordinary protection. That he is going on the civil rights bus tour with Amy and the Messiah group is wonderful and scary. I love his heart and his passion for what he calls "socialism," but feels more like widespread compassion for people. May this awful time in the nation's lifeline resolve soon so that Christopher and Amy can relax a little, or a lot.

3. With limited time remaining, perhaps that bridge to my concern about this nation is the next logical point. Oh, God, deliver us from evil. There is evil afoot and abundant in this country, and some of it has gripped your people's hearts and minds. Help me, Abba, not to be arrogant but to be discerning. I remember a reading earlier this week in 1 Samuel where I thought to myself, "How blessed was Samuel to hear directly from you about the arrival of Saul to see him.   want that relationship with you where I hear directly from you, frequently, clearly, and unmistakably."  

Now I will go listen to today's Scripture, dry my hair, and do a few other tasks around the house. Thank you for this time. You are worthy of all praise, "blessing, honor, glory, power / For the battle you have won." It feels like we are still fighting, and we are, with the assurance of real victory.  

Amen!

Praying for the People

 "As for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by failing to pray for you.  And I will teach you the way that is good and right." 1 Samuel 12:23

Far be it from me also, Lord, that I should sin against you by failing to pray for your people and for this nation (who seem to be following a king of sorts, as the people in the Bible passage requested, too).

Without Consulting God

Abba, there was something that struck me powerfully when I contemplated Jesus's passion in Gethsemane. He prayed, he pleaded, he begged to be delivered--I am not sure that is the correct word, but I cannot think of a better one right now--from the suffering that he was fully aware that he would be experiencing imminently.  

You did not answer his prayer "favorably."

At least, you did not answer his prayer with a yes. It was a favorable answer for us, of course, and ultimately it was honoring and glorifying to him and to you. But in that moment, you did not give Jesus what he was asking.

I need this lesson for my own life. What I, in my humanness, ask for is not always, and truthfully not usually, what Your will is. I will intentionally set my mind and my prayers to include "Not my will but Yours be done" as many times as I remember. This practice will help me, Abba, in our current global crises as many people cry out for Your intervention in the evil, violent, murderous situations across the world and even in this very nation.

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Then today, in my TBR devotional, the commentator noted that there was SO much sin in the Scripture passages in Judges, which she suggested directly resulted from those people living lives and making decisions "without consulting God." For someone like me, and to be humble, for ME, this strategy is characteristic. I chalk my decisions up to being wise, intelligent, and even spiritually faithful. In this space, I will also intentionally set my mind and my prayers to consult with you and to consult you. In all things, in all ways, in all decisions, please let me seek your will. You and I both know I will fail hard and often, but may it be less often as I become "holy because [You] are holy." (Leviticus 11)

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(I didn't see it before, but these two entries seem to have a common theme!)

I love You, Abba, I love You, Jesus, and I love You, Spirit. I can't imagine my life without You.

Do I Cry?

Today, Abba, the decision about the arbitration returned unfavorably.  Oh well.  I tried to prepare myself for this outcome; it was not a big surprise although I thought the emphasis on my non-hostile motivation might prevail.  

In the context of the times in which we are living, the injustice is the prevailing outcome.  Here, however, is where I want and need to take a deeper look at myself.

You knew that this would happen to me.  You know that I deserve every judgment of sin leveled at me.  I am corrupt, broken, prideful, and insensitive, and those are just a small percentage of the negative adjectives I can use to describe myself.  I am trying not to justify myself with examples of many of Your people throughout history who have been unfairly condemned; the chief among them all is, of course, Jesus.  I am trying not to fight the decision but to accept it as a part of the life story You have written for me.

Humble me, Lord.  I am stiff-necked and hard-hearted (more correct adjectives).  Break my heart for what breaks Yours; soften my heart so that I can embrace Your great grace.

Is it weird that I feel more empty than sad?  (One of the "comparativas" that Edder has assigned for my Spanish lesson this week!)

A Moment of Pause

 So much, Abba.

I have heard the metaphor of a firehose to represent the avalanche of repulsive actions and words being aimed at my heart, spirit, and mind.  I know, Father; this repulsiveness is not new to the human race.  In fact, the history of Your people is littered, even cluttered, with repulsiveness.  Just today, I heard someone (Russell Moore and David French?) point out several of the churches in Revelation and the church at Corinth.  "The church at Corinth would have had many more people if it had allowed the temple prostitution issue to go unchallenged." (My paraphrase from my memory.)

Going to listen to today's Scriptures from Exodus now.  Abba, please bless tomorrow's community dinner.  I am a little nervous because we have an autistic Trump supporter on our guest list.  Grace and mercy, Lord!  Wisdom, too.

Until next time.

Crying Out

18 Let your heart cry out to the Lord. O wall of the people of Zion, let your tears flow down like a river day and night. Give yourself no rest. Do not let your eyes stop crying. 19 Get up and cry out in the night, at the beginning of the night hours. Pour out your heart like water before the Lord. Lift up your hands to Him for the lives of your children who are weak with hunger on every street.” 20 See, O Lord, and look! To whom have You done this? 

zaaq: To cry out, to call for help, to shout

The verb conveys an urgent, often loud appeal for help or justice. It can describe a distressed shout, a summons for aid, or an appeal presented in a formal complaint. About seventy-two occurrences span the Pentateuch, Historical Books, Wisdom Literature, and Prophets, revealing consistent theological contours: human need, divine attentiveness, and covenantal intervention.

(Strong's Hebrew)

"Prophetic texts stress that unrepentant cries (Jeremiah 11:11, Zechariah 7:13) meet divine silence, underscoring moral accountability."  (Also Strong's Hebrew)

13 “‘When I called, they did not listen; so when they called, I would not listen,’ says the Lord Almighty." (Zechariah 7:13)

(Jeremiah 11:11 does not seem applicable to today, but oh my, Zechariah 7:13 does.)

Lament and Heartbreak

Yahweh, I cry out to you from a heart broken by the sin of the world, and my own sin as well. Right now, I see the devastating evil being practiced in this country--what I formerly called "my" country, but what I no longer wish to claim. Worse still, I see many of my Christian brothers and sisters falling for the unBiblical rationale for the hateful, hurtful, illegal, and arrogant actions being made, sometimes using Your name as justification.

These kinds of evil have happened before in the life of this nation, in the life of the world, and in the life of Your people. Why am I feeling entitled to a trouble-free existence?  In quite a few ways it feels like a test. Am I strong enough -- not without You, of course -- to stand up and do the right thing? Am I thinking clearly enough to evaluate the situation correctly? Most of all, am I walking with You closely enough (always allowing that a closer walk is possible and desirable) to see, recognize, and hear what You and Your great heart are doing, and how I can partner with You in doing it?

May it be so, Yahweh. May I be tender-hearted enough to withstand the brokenheartedness that comes with these times.

And may I beg You to protect my dear son-in-law Christopher and my daughter Amy specifically in these evilly insane, and insanely evil, immigration times?

 

Flash Prayer

 Father, I have always liked many of the flash-mob singing that I have seen online.  Today's entry is a flash-prayer!  

Worship Flash Mob

In my devotions, I am commiserating with Job.  I also see some of his friends in a new light.  Are they really misguided or malicious?  I guess I am unwilling to judge them because I am seeing how many dear and wonderful believers have fallen for falsehoods.  God my Father, please help me to avoid falling!

Reading, Journaling, Finally Praying

 

Still good morning, Abba.  With so much to do, I just got distracted for almost 30 minutes.  I realize, however, that with DH out of the house, this is our time.  

I have been eager, maybe a little anxious, to hear about the arbitrator's decision, which is due soon.  I haven't told anyone, especially DH, about the upcoming finding.  (More on that later, possibly in another entry.)  However, no matter what the decision is, I will accept it and move on.  I acknowledge that I have wondered about a financial settlement, even though I pointed out to the attorney and to the union representative that this issue is not about "making me whole" for financial losses.  That will be Your decision.  You will get at least 10%, more likely 15%, if there is a settlement.  I release that imagination to You.

Being in the book of Job has reignited some of the early emotions that I had when this ordeal began.  So much is unresolved; I am not sure that I will ever find closure in the therapeutic sense of the word.  I am sure, however, that I will find peace in knowing You and knowing more about how You do things and make choices for Your people.  I recall one interaction described to me between two other people where the counselor person asked the other, "What if it is God's will to fail?"  What if it is, or was, Your will for this misunderstanding and false accusation to occur?  I can see a fair amount of spiritual growth in myself as a direct response to my struggles with the situation.  Maybe....

I have to go get my hair dried and ready for DH to take me on an errand (car having remote starter installed).  I go back to the beginning; so much to do.  This was sweet time, though, Abba.  May I prioritize our time together and may I not talk so much and listen so much more.  

Love, Me.

Silence

God, my head won't focus on a theme for today.  I think perhaps that means my role is to remain silent in prayer and LISTEN.  Distraction is a real thing.  Just sitting and letting my thoughts float by as though on a lazy stream (sometimes a rushing river!) reveals how many things are polluting my mind.  

I worry.

I plan.

I regret.

Sometimes I confess.

I catch myself in some of the distorted thinking patterns that I call out in others; the worst ones are probably thinking that You either don't know what is going on in the world or that You are going to (maybe obligated to) fix those problems in this world.   Neither one of these beliefs is true.  You know.  You might even be allowing these problems intentionally to punish people (You have done that in the past) or to illustrate the contrast between Your ways and men's ways.  

Recently, I read somewhere that You have even chosen specific people, including me, to live in this time for Your purposes.  So, God, please show me what Your purpose is for me in this time and please make it as obvious as my oblivious mind might need.  I don't want to miss it.

Amen. 

I'm Listening

 ...and as I listened, I fell asleep. (Just like the apostles, yes?)

The Great Fatih chapter —I have been struck by the idea  — throughout the year, and especially in this one -- that life for God's people is rarely easy. Persevering in believing when the situation and the circumstances are awful, dire, and discouraging seems to be the real proof of faith.  

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." 

That's enough for me to have faith, even and maybe especially when it seems like You have left and forsaken me. I have grown too accustomed to quick responses to prayer and to an entitlement to ease. My challenge for the new year will be to refrain from saying the (righteously!) angry comments about the stupid and evil things that are being done in this country and in so--too--much of the world.  

Why do I expect differently?  

God, may I be FAITH-ful in these times of unusual trial. May You soften my harsh, sarcastic tone and allow me to continue serving You with great joy. I love You above all else. I say that but perhaps too lightly; I really want to mean it.

Jesus, You are the greatest! Happy Birthday.

I Need to Talk to You

 Sometimes I get so up-in-my-thoughts that I literally forget to journal my prayer, my conversations with You.  It's not that I am not talking to You all day long.  I do that from morning until bedtime.  It's more that the disciplines of prayer, reflection, solitude, and journaling take time.  There is so much to do in my life and work that I move from task to task and neglect this time with You.

It's also that I don't want to journal while DH is in the home.  He and I seem to be in different places spiritually.  I hate saying that because I, of course, think that I am more spiritually mature than he is, deeper and more ... I guess I am not sure what word to choose.  However, I have seen and heard passivity and superficiality in his prayers and his priorities.  I am admittedly frustrated by this at times; why, when many wives have this same issue with their husbands, do I feel entitled to a spouse on the same spiritual level as I am (I think, anyway)?

You know, Father Abba, that we had difficulty when our younger daughter married an "unbeliever," and after all that, that man may be a more spiritually mature person than many so-called "Christians."  What do I do with that recognition?

I need to talk to You about so many other things as well, but DH is on his way home from a craft fair and I want to--yeah, I know--make some progress on the Christmas tree.  

(Why do I cry when worship music plays??)

I love You so much.

Acts--of the Modern Saints

Abba, I just started Acts of the Apostles in my chronological Bible reading. I thought that, in a way, this book is more similar to our lives and times post-Jesus, although the apostles had the advantages of having spent direct time with Jesus. Of course, spending time with You, with Jesus, and with the Holy Spirit every day is advantageous, too!

These times in 2025 are difficult, Abba. There were many times in the Old Testament and a goodly number in more modern history when the prophets and others who spoke Your truth showed great courage and endured great persecution. Will these upcoming days be like that? Will you do similarly miraculous things to validate your message?  How did those brave servants know with such certainty that you were the one they were listening to?

My heart wants that certainty.  My heart wants the passion that they had.  I also want NOT to sin while doing this work during this time.  I would have trouble avoiding sinful anger; I am already having trouble avoiding sinful anger!

Beagle Boy is calling me. Love you, Abba. Help me to do Your things Your way.

Watch Out!

Matthew 24:4  "Watch out that no one deceives you."

Oh, Yahweh, Abba, I have needed the past couple of days of reminders from Your word in Matthew.  The cautionary encouragement to "not be alarmed" and the warning to "watch out that no one deceives you" both validate my own emotional reactions to the current events in the world.  

Confession: I have been alarmed.  It is hard not to be alarmed when so many undeniably alarming things are occurring.  Please show me how to "see to it that [I am] not alarmed."  Is there something, some skill or strategy, that I can learn?  I am willing if You will teach me.

And likewise, would You show me how to watch out effectively?  Being on guard is what comes to my mind, in an almost paranoid way (LOL).  However, no human can be constantly alert to all the dangers, and really "good" deception is really difficult to discern.  Again, I pray that You would teach me how to sniff out lies--especially the ones that are so subtle and SO damaging.

Today, Ron Waddell (on The Journey preaching team) pointed out the lies that the devil tried on Jesus, of all people.  (What arrogance!)  But the nature of those lies was illuminating to me, as Ron explained them.  Just enough Scripture to make the lie seem like God's word, but the difference between the exact wording and the heart motivation tells the tale and God, You know the difference.  Help me, please, to know You so well that I know what You mean when You say something.  Twisting truth and gaslighting are becoming Olympic-sports level skills these days.

Help me tonight to accomplish something meaningful?

Love you!

 

This Moment in History

 Good evening, Adonai.  You are still in control, and I need the reminder during these times of abject disobedience, idolatry, and, if I may call it out, evil.  Yes, evil.  Sometimes I wonder if I am living in the times described in Scripture, where deception is the norm.  Where is that Scripture?

Although I am unsure about trusting AI, it does give me a place to start:

• Matthew 24:24 For false messiahs and false prophets will appear and perform great signs and wonders to deceive, if possible, even the elect.
• Mark 13:22 For false messiahs and false prophets will appear and perform signs and wonders to deceive, if possible, even the elect.
• 1 Timothy 4:1-2 The Spirit clearly says that in later times some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits and things taught by demons.  Such teachings come through hypocritical liars, whose consciences have been seared as with a hot iron.
• 2 Timothy 3:1-5 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days.  People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God--having a form of godliness but denying its power, 
  
  Have nothing to do with such people.

Oh, my God.  It really is hopeless.  This *is* happening because it was foretold.   

Give me strength to stand firm in these times, Abba.  Let my heart remain steadfast and allow my eyes to see You clearly.  I do not want to be deceived, and I take You at Your word.  "If possible" strongly suggests that it is not possible.  I am secure in You!  May all the beloved members of my family also be safe in You as well.

Amen.

"Zechariah invites us to look above the chaos and hope for God's Kingdom to come, motivating faithfulness in the present moment.  That's the challenge Zechariah offers to all generations of God's people."  (from The Bible Project's Guide to Zechariah, The Big Idea)

Yahweh, Adonai, I know I need to spend time alone with You in the times when DH is not here, because I often just fall apart.  I did with this quote while I thought I was going to "learn" more about Zechariah and You.

There is so much chaos in this country and in the world right now,  My heart is in a constant state of lament.  I accept Zechariah's invitation to hope for Your kingdom to come and I accept his invitation to faithfulness in the present moment.  What does that look like specifically, Lord, for me?   I am terrified, horrified, and frankly (and probably only partially righteously) enraged (bigger than angry!) about the failure of those people whom I love and trust--or trusted.

Your kingdom come, Your will be done.  Preserve Your remnant of faithful ones, Abba, as You have always done, and may I be counted among them.  By the radical and challenging Spirit of Your counter-cultural Son, Jesus~~Amen. 

Alas, Sovereign Lord!

Indeed, these words reflect how I feel these days, Abba.  Alas, alas! I am grieved and concerned for the condition of my beloveds' hearts--not so much the ones nearest to me, but so many in the middle and outer concentric circles.

I am also exhausted in so many ways and in so many facets of my life.  Just to capture some of them, to bring some order to the chaotic bombardment of my life:

• My mother's recent diagnosis of cancer
• The family decisions regarding her estate and the division of her assets
• My husband's skepticism and inability to understand the legal and practical reasoning underlying these decisions, despite many attempts to explain
• My sister's complicated and ambivalent relationship with the situation of supporting our mother and her conscious or subconscious expectation for compensation.  (She will deny this vigorously, but this dilemma seems to be there.)
• My in-laws' and my husband's hurtful decisions to refuse to attend our (and their) niece's gay wedding on religious grounds.  There is SO much division around this issue, Abba!  In my own reasoning, I chose love.  I do not understand all the Biblical and political ramifications of the subject; I honestly chose to attend to express love to my niece and to keep doors open to relationship with me and hopefully with You.  I don't want to sound too super-spiritual or sanctimonious about this, but simply stated, that's about it.
• My upcoming arbitration hearing sometime in October 2025 (October 17th is in my calendar).  Abba, sometimes I selfishly fantasize about a financial settlement from a favorable decision.  I also remind myself that a favorable decision is not guaranteed.  May Your will be done and may You be honored and glorified by whatever decision is made.
• My second-to-last CAGS course.  Please, Lord God, use this knowledge to bless Your people and to bless the world in Your name.  I can feel some of the stress already, but I know (not sure how I know, but we will talk about that later) that this is Your plan for me to finish this decade of my life.

I love You, Abba Lord!  The world is a big hot mess, and I keep hearing themes of Your disappointment, anger, discipline, and punishment in, with, and of Your people in my current Scripture readings.  Either earlier in Ezekiel or in Lamentations, I recall a prayer to hear what You were saying.  

As he spoke, the Spirit came into me and raised me to my feet, and I heard him speaking to me. (Ezekiel 2:2)

Spirit, come into me, and may I hear You speaking to me the word of the Lord for me. 

Testifying to Love When It's Hard

Beloved Adonai, I am sitting in a beautiful cabin in Viola, Wisconsin, with my daughters and their husbands asleep upstairs.  (You know this already, of course!)  My niece Parlee is getting married today.  The kicker, which You also know already, is that she is lesbian.

How did homosexuality become the most mortal of mortal "sins" for conservative American Christians?  It seems to me, as it has for a long time, that the shunning of gay people is akin to the Amish shunning of those who are apostate.  In an AI overview, shunning is "a form of church discipline involving social avoidance of excommunicated members."  Curiously to my limited understanding of You and Your ways, this exclusion of gay people from the very opportunity to meet You -- an opportunity that I always understood to be Your desire for everyone, regardless of their sexual orientation or any other difference in their lives -- keeps them from the one and only influence that (if necessary) could address their deepest need for You!! 

(As an aside, and somewhat jokingly, I ask why in Heaven's name did You give us humans that partnership in drawing people to You?  We are making such a mess of it.)

I will leave this post open because I have a bunch of random thoughts and recollections about this subject and the experience of discussing this with my family, including my sons-in-law.  I will need to process this for a long time with You.  In the meantime, please bless Parlee and Emily as I would pray that You would bless anyone else on their day of commitment of love to each other.

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You will note that my own husband is not here with us.  That is one of the worst and most troubling features of this situation for me.

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I find it difficult, Adonai, to set aside time to read and write.  I will probably have more trouble once my class starts in a couple of weeks.  But in my thoughts come ideas and maybe some communication from You that I wish I could grasp and commemorate in writing.

That said, I had several amazing and profound conversations this weekend with my daughters and with their husbands.  Right now, my own mother is on the phone, mostly because it is my birthday!  I will come back later.

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New day, new plan: flight delays occasioned by weather issues.  

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Abba Adonai, I--no, let me put the focus on You.  YOU did some work this weekend in the younger generation in our little nuclear family, at least as far as I can tell.  The troubling thing that I may as well admit to You, because You already know this, involves my DH.  I was shocked at the intensity of the reaction to his decision to "hold to his convictions."  I cannot, of course, share this experience with him.  In fact, my conversation with him yesterday concerned me.  He would, of course, deny my interpretations and impressions of his statements.  Here, Abba, may I share what I felt?  What I "heard"?

• DH became defensive when I approached the topics of concern to our children regarding the family's rejection of their gay cousin's marriage.  
• DH was fishing for uncomplimentary reports of the wedding.
• DH was also fishing for uncomplimentary reports of his sister's ... well, everything.  Behavior, appearance, plans, attitudes.
• DH misunderstood at least some of the interactions in the phone call of earlier in July.  Specifically, he seemed to miss the meaning and the origin of the statement by our son-in-law Tue about "never becoming a Christian."  He (DH) believed that Tue had reacted to my pre-marriage letter to him expressing my desire for him (Tue) to know the saving gospel.  You know, Father, that my heart was not malicious.  Even Tue acknowledged that motivation in the early July phone call and again this weekend with me.  Yet, when DH presented his misunderstanding that blamed me for that statement, I wavered in my recollection.  The gaslighting effect, I think.  It remains hard for me to have such different points of view from DH.  Aren't we supposed to be in unity?
• Our daughters and their husbands are so disappointed in him.  Tue is specifically and self-admittedly angry at him.  Toward me, they seem pleased and proud of me.  I had to dissuade them from too much praise, from putting me on a pedestal.  I feel awkward about their positive feedback at the same time that I am thrilled to have this connection with them.

I feel like crying over this situation, but it will ruin my makeup and I need to leave soon to return the rental car.  It might be a good idea to wrap up this entry, but I know I need to do more reflection and meditation on these issues.

Abba God, help us all.

Testify to Truth

 

Abba God, Adonai, I am (like Jesus, a little bit) anticipating the upcoming hearing with hostile questioners and a possibly or probably unsympathetic "arbiter."  May I honor You by speaking only the truth and speaking the truth in love?  These past years -- I have lost count of them -- have been difficult and still, through all of it, I have "lived in the goodness of God" as we sang at church this morning.  I sensed that the attorney (Alex) wanted a less spiritual answer to his question about what I wanted from this hearing and the preceding situation.  You have been faithful, and despite the dance steps it took to achieve things like retirement, insurance, unemployment, and even employment, today I can reflect on having more than I had before.  What I want is the chance to make the relationship right, to apologize, to offer grace and consolation to a person who was offended by my inadvertent behavior.  Not what he was expecting!  (I also expect that mine was a mere toothpick of a straw that broke the back of an offended person already carrying the heavier straws of many previous offenses.)

My heart wants above all else to glorify you in this interaction.  In my own nature, I am prone to rambling, being sarcastic, speaking impulsively, and generally making a mess of the situation.  Keep a watch on my words?  May your will be done.  If there is any recompense of any sort, You will get a portion of it.  That is not a bribe; that is my offering if there is to be justice and grace on behalf of a person who felt that I had been disrespectful to her religion and her culture.

What a time to be alive, Lord God.  May I hear You with my deaf ears and see You with my weak eyes, watching out for the confounding noises and optical illusions that sometimes hide You.  Amen!

Your Will Be Done

 "It is You alone who are to be feared.

Who can stand before You when You are angry?

From heaven You pronounced judgment,

and the land feared and was quiet--

when You, God, rose up to judge,

to save all the afflicted of the land.

Surely Your wrath against mankind brings You praise,

and the survivors of Your wrath are restrained." 

Psalms 78:7-10

Oh, Abba, I am a little afraid, a little anxious, a little intimidated.  I know and I believe with all my heart that nothing can compare with You or compete with You.  This upcoming arbitration is my attempt to secure justice, such as I understand it in my limited experience.  If I am wrong, let me accept Your will and Your justice.  I know in Scripture that You do not always (or even often) intervene on my time or on my terms in unjust situations.  BUT--Your people remain faithful.  I want that to be me!  No matter what happens, I want to trust You, not lose heart, keep on, and I want over all for You to be honored and glorified.  You have already been gracious to me; I have more than enough, and my new work is very fulfilling.  

TLC just referenced the "bruised reed" that You will not break.  That hit a tender place in my heart; I have felt like a bruised reed.  

Your will be done--Amen.