Long Obedience

 Abba, there are two things on my heart and mind this morning as I take advantage of this time when DH is away (ministering! a good thing). To start, I will just list them:

1. 
   The "long obedience" theme. I am trying to remember whether I have already read this book, but even if I did, it may be a good time to re-read it. The long waiting is paradoxically becoming harder--and easier.
2. The annoyance I feel almost constantly with DH. Just now, in my YouVersion devotional, the distinction between hearing and listening was outlined, and it made me laugh and it made me copy a quote. If I feel any one thing about DH, it is that he is NOT listening to me *if* he is hearing me. And I am the one with a hearing impairment! I will address this issue more deeply with You in another post soon. I am disappointed in myself for my irritation, and I am also discouraged and dispirited by the weakening of our relationship. I feel that his faith is superficial and that I cannot share my thoughts and feelings with him so that he won't undermine and attack them. But who am I to judge his faith? I am the one sitting here at home under indictment for poor behavior at work (unjustly, I believe, but still).

"If we define the nature of our lives by the mistake of the moment or the defeat of the hour or the boredom of the day, we will define it wrongly."  (Peterson, Long Obedience,)

Abba, I see a theme emerging. I need to *listen* and look at circumstances with discerning eyes to peer into the deeper, hidden-in-code meaning of those circumstances. And I need to remain obedient. Persevering over the long haul, no matter how long it seems or actually is. Eternity is at stake and eternity is in Your hand, as are the affairs of men and women and the whole world.

Thanks for this time. I will be back! 

The Unexpected

 "Not what I expected."  That may be the theme for this season of my life.  

Abba, this period of waiting continues to be hard.  Perhaps doing a bit of study on Paul's house arrest might encourage me (although I believe it ended in his execution under Nero!).  He was allowed to live at home, as I am, and he continued to preach and teach (well, I am teaching PreK-K) while guarded and restricted.  I thank You that the financial aspect of my "house arrest" is not uncertain.  

In the meantime, please show me how to best use this chapter for Your glory.  There remains a lot of work to do for the Kingdom, and I still have a few miles left in me.

1) Tue's relationship with You.  I recently listened to an interview with Russell Moore, editor at Christianity Today, who believes that "We've lost our credibility to the outside world" due to the influence of Trump and many right-wing conservative evangelicals.  I am concerned that Tue has been affected by this loss of credibility, assigning it to Jesus and not to the cult-following people who idolize Trump.  Help, Abba!  Help, Spirit!

2) Chris's immigration status/permanent legal residency.  I would love a wedding and a marriage!

3) The daughters.  Always.

4) The husband.  I don't understand him, and I continue to fear for him.

On to some tasks.  With all my love!

The Spirit and My Life

I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life

who proceeds from the Father [and the Son],

who with the Father and the Son is adored and glorified,

who has spoken through the prophets.  (from the Nicene Creed)  

What prayer is the Holy Spirit expressing in your soul?  As I read the Life in the Spirit individual retreat prompts (from LTI), I personalized the first-person plural pronouns to first-person singular--that is, I made the readings about ME.  

• *I* am God's child.
• *I* cry, "Abba, Father!"
• The Spirit helps *me* in my weakness.  *I* do not know what I ought to pray for (oh, yeah), but the Spirit himself intercedes for *me* through wordless groans.  And he who searches *my* heart knows the mind of the Spirit.

What prayer do you offer in response?  I surrender.  Not my will, but Yours be done.

Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love,

for I have put my trust in You.

Show me the way I should go,

for to You I entrust my life.

Rescue me from my enemies, Lord,

for I hide myself in You.

Teach me to do Your will,

for You are my God;

may Your good Spirit

lead me on level ground.

(Psalm 143:8-10)

The best definition I have discovered for  agape is “unconquerable benevolence.” It means that no matter what people may do to us by way of insult, injury, or humiliation, we will never seek anything but their highest good. (Steve Macchia)  This is a really piercing reminder for me during this desert experience of the administrative leave-without-end.

My Current Need

 "You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good."  Joseph to his brothers

I have too little time without DH at home to write more, Abba, but I will, probably tomorrow.  Much on which to reflect, including conversations with Tue about 1 Peter, anxiety, "casting cares" on You, and his recognition of a song ("Come to the Altar")

Soon!

Soul Cleansing

 

"Do I want to know God's will more than anything else?" (Rueben Job, from Spiritual Discernment Soul Care Retreat)

Abba God, my heart is slow today to engage in some of these deep reflections.  My eyes want to close; earlier, as I listened again to "Savior, Like a Shepherd Lead Us" and read again Pastor Job's question above, I cried.  I think I do.  Sometimes, though, Your will is not the easy path.  (Ask Jesus.) Sometimes it requires not just the death of the body, but the death of hopes, aspirations, plans and anticipations.  Sometimes, even, it may mean the death of a reputation.

Ah.  But I count it ALL as loss.  Philippians 3:8-10--and now I am crying again.  I will copy this passage in another entry, soon, but now I will quit.  I am overwhelmed and overcome with sadness.  But my soul is being cleansed by my tears, and there will come a day when there won't be tears any more.

I love You, God, and yes, I do want to know Your will more than anything else.

An Iranian Woman

 I am on the verge of tears, Abba God, recalling how Nona came over to chat with me yesterday during my platelet donation appointment.  Now no longer on the verge, I am crying.  I have no idea whether Cindy had told Nona my story or whether this kind visit with her was orchestrated by You, but in either case it touched my heart.  (It also touched my heart and amused me when Cindy responded with an expletive when I described the situation to her.) I wait; I ask You for discernment; I try to use this time, without the stress of no income, in a productive way.  Thank You for Nona's sweet interaction with me yesterday.  I felt comforted that those who know me pretty well don't believe the awful allegations of wrongdoing lodged against me.

In the meantime, I look for direction from You.  What next?  Or, in the words of Julie's former principal, "So what? Now what?"

Love you!

Discernment and Leading: Holy Spirit

So many thoughts, not really competing with each other but rather acting like puzzle pieces to a whole picture of discerning Your will, seeing Your leading to and pointing out Your specific path forward, and then--then!--choosing to walk that path.  Seems to me like these things are components for the process, that one without the others would be incomplete obedience.  How, Holy Father Abba, can I personally do what You are asking me to do?  This request assumes that I know what You are asking me to do, and I can see how my current devotional on prayer fits into this request.

I looked for verses in Your word to capture my heart this morning as I seek discernment.  These verses from Acts made water fall from my eyes:

*Then the Spirit said [to Philip].... Acts 8:29

*[While Peter was reflecting on the vision,] the Spirit said to him.... Acts 10:19

*[While they were ministering to the Lord and fasting,] the Holy Spirit said.... Acts 13:2

There are a few other verses in Acts that indicate Your Spirit's active direction in the lives of the apostles.  The three that I chose have this in common: the Spirit SAID.  Say, Lord, what I need to hear from You.  My ears, both spiritual and physical, are impaired but with Your "hearing aids" I will receive these communications from You clearly, loudly, and without distortion.  In Jesus's name~Amen.

Spiritual Discernment

 

What am I seeking in this soul-care time of prayer, reflection, and discernment? (from the LTI Retreat Guide) (one sentence only!)

Lord God, Adonai, Abba, I seek to know the path of Your choosing for my life in this fork in the road of my life.

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The women.  That is what jumped out at me at my first reading of Luke 24:13-35.  "...our women amazed us."  It doesn't surprise me very much that women are and were amazing, or that "Him they did not see."  Perhaps it is a gender-based quality, that famous or infamous "women's intuition," that allows many women to see Jesus and to grasp spiritual realities before the men do.  But the men finally get it.  "Then their eyes were opened and they recognized Him."  

Confession: I grow impatient with DH because he is slower to "get it" much of the time although it is without question that his heart is good and open.  Forgive me, Jesus.  I know in the Gospels that You sometimes grew impatient with Your apostles and disciples for not "getting it" even though they walked with You, saw first-hand the things that You had done, felt in Your presence Who You are in Your nature.  What would have happened if You had written them off?  What would have happened if You had written *me* off when I was slow to "get it"?  Increase my patience and my faith!

*************************************************************************************

Crossroad.  Exactly.  I have been standing, even sort of making a sitting area, at this juncture in the path while awaiting--what?  A Divine Pointer Finger?  Yes, maybe that.  While I am at this crossroad, Holy God, let me look around attentively, examining this place and seeing the details of the area and looking down each path to catch a glimpse of You.  Which path -- from which path -- are You beckoning?

*************************************************************************************

"Redemptive meaning was given to pain." Flora S. Wuellner.  May this be true in this experience, my Lord Adonai, dearest Abba.  Show me the redemptive meaning in this painful experience.  Redeem me, and then help me to share the meaning humbly and clearly where I need to share it.  Amen.

Time Gets On

Lord, I am coming up to six weeks on leave.  I cannot say that it has not been refreshing in some ways, productive in some other ways, and painful in more than a few ways.  It has taught me several things; the most important thing, I believe, is that I may have ignored or otherwise passed over a sense that it is time for me to move into retirement.

I confess, Lord, to an unholy pride that somehow the hospital could not get along without me.  Well, they are.  I am not nearly as indispensable as I once thought.  Being at home and getting a LOT of things done has been relaxing, too.  I am not sure that my DH has enjoyed my being at home, though, in some ways because I think he had been getting into his own retirement routine.  I am sure that my Bailey Beagle has loved it.  He has been a companion who makes me feel quite loved (not that DH has failed at that!).

My next step appears to be researching retirement for myself and specifically the Group 2 designation. This week is a busy week with various appointments: root canal follow-up, platelet donation, haircut and color, taking my mother to a medical appointment, and just doing the next "one" thing around the house.  See? This time "off" has not exactly been idle time.

Lord God, You know that I am devoted to serving You.  I see the ways in which this trial has overtones of having me join in the fellowship of Jesus's sufferings.  He, too, was falsely accused, considered a criminal, unjustly punished even unto death.  Although it isn't too likely that this trial will kill me, it may be the death of my career.  

You just sent a hummingbird.  

Not my will but Yours be done.  Amen.

Blankness

Still waiting.

I wonder how many times the Israelites said or thought that.  During the exiles, while awaiting the promised and foretold Messiah, even while their loved ones were away--without instant messaging or texting or GPS tracking, or the other accommodations to the anxiety of not knowing.  

I do not know.  Will the decision be favorable or disciplinary?  I am not even sure I want to return after many weeks of being on this (thankfully paid) leave.  Maybe I needed the kick to practice being retired.  It's not so bad.  I have made a lot of progress on various projects that lingered and languished.  Think "basement closet."  (There is still more to do there.) My current challenge is prioritization; what is the best thing to do first?

Father God, I trust You and I will trust You.  Your ways are NOT my ways, nor are Your thoughts my thoughts.  Lead me in the path You have charted for me, and help me to follow You without engaging my intellectual rationalizations.  You don't always make "sense" as the world sees sense, but You always do what is right and good.  For the sake of Your kingdom, and may it come soon! Amen.

Humility vs Humiliation

 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time." 1 Peter 5:6 NIV

The verses before and after this YouVersion Daily Refresh verse set the frame so well.  Father God, as usual, You have been so wonderfully and faithfully *personal* in Your messages to me during this time of trial in my life.  I would still like to grab the time to reflect on several of those verses; in fact, I will do that for a few minutes before pondering today's communication.

James 1:12 "Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."

Psalm 103:6 ICB "The Lord does what is right and fair for all who are wronged by others."

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort."

1 Corinthians 4:3-4 NIV "I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself.  My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent.  It is the Lord who judges me."  (And of course also makes me innocent by forgiving and pardoning me!)

Luke 6:27-28--Proverbs 19:21--visits from my hummingbird friends--my night(s) of lament--my unchosen and forced sabbatical--the Waiting on God Soul Care Retreat----and now, today's verse about Your lifting me up in due time.  It has been hard not to jump to a conclusion one way or the other, Lord God.  I have resisted the human desire to predict a future that is not in my power to predict.  After all, I did not see this coming.

So I will put my trust in You, knowing that I do have a clear conscience.  The world (and the investigators) may not clear me of these allegations/accusations, but You and I know the truth.  Sometimes I feel that I am a victim of gaslighting, and I doubt my recollections and my own heart, which of course if deceitful in its nature.  But if I am not humbling myself under Your mighty hand, I am certainly being humbled, if passively and not by my own choices or interventions.  I will wait for the due time of Your lifting me up.  Jesus, You did.  It took a few days, if I remember correctly.  That time of waiting was literally hell for you.

I love You, Lord, and Your mercies never fail me! Amen.

Wisdom, Justice, and Waiting

Dearest God, your servant is here. Your servant is also massively confused and sad and struggling. I keep spotting hummingbirds that I take as Your reminders to be hopeful. I don't want to be superstitious about it; I reflect on The Chosen's depiction of the dove that deterred Mary Magdalene from suicide. Those little flits remind me of hope.

I also reflect on The Chosen's depiction of "Little James," with the scoliosis and the difficult ambulation. "Why have You not healed me?"  Thirdly, I reflect on John the Baptist's beheading. You did not "rescue" him, God. John even sent his disciples to confirm Jesus's claim to be the Messiah, and the interpretation of John's questioning as a moment of faltering faith strikes a resonant chord in my heart.

Is my faith faltering? Will You decline to "rescue" me from this false accusation? I imagine all kinds of snarky comments and gotcha comebacks, and I know that such thoughts, words, and behaviors are not holy. Help me, God. This purification period is tough. I have said those words to others in encouragement, and now I am living through the process. It is hard; it is painful; it is dysregulating,

But YOU are constant, omniscient, wise, and just. But how long, God? I will wait patiently, or at least as patiently as I am capable of being at this point. Increase my faith--and my patience.

I would like to go back and list all the verses and reminders that You have shown me since the beginning of this ordeal. I don't think I have time at this very moment because I am getting ready to see a client in less than a half hour, but I do think that effort will be worthwhile.

Through it all, I am learning to trust in Jesus.
I am learning to trust in God!

Just What I Needed

I have the absolutely best daughters. 

Just when I sat down to have this time to journal, my daughters, beginning with Amy, popped in with text messages of support. It was good to put some of the events into words. They seem to know more intuitively what to ask and what to say without being (or maybe with being?) sexist; I wonder whether that is their feminine intuition vs. DH's masculinity. It could be personality-based, too. In any case, whatever the explanation, their support is sweet and timely.

In the spirit of the prayer journal, I want to reflect on what I "need" and what You, God, not only say that I need but what You provide and have already provided.  

A word flashed across my screensaver that came right from You, Lord, at a precise minute when I was considering writing a rebuttal to the article that has precipitated my current crisis. I discovered it comes from the Bible! "Gadarene" references the Gadarene swine who drowned themselves when they were possessed by the exorcised Legion demons (Mark 5:1-20).   I may still write a rebuttal, but I do not plan to do anything precipitous, impulsive, or self-destructive with it. I hope it will be therapeutic for me to write, as it has been in the past.

Thanks for the hummingbirds, too. I saw three within a short time. And thanks for the word. I love how You love me! This stanza, with a couple of amendments, captures it.

I love how Your heart beats
Whenever I'm with you
I love how You think of me
Without being told to
I love the way Your touch is always heavenly (indeed!)
But Lord God, most of all
I love how You love me (I love how You love me)

Hear Today, Hear Tomorrow

 Very quick prayer, Holy God (because DH is home): May truth and righteousness win, and may I be an ambassador for YOU.

Now What?

Heavenly Father God, this title could be more appropriate after Thursday's hearing (Show Cause).  However, I need to embrace this "now what?" question today.  I feel a little paralyzed by the anxiety over the uncertainties, not only about the outcome but also about the process and the preparation.  I know and want to obey Your command/encouragement to "Be anxious for nothing BUT in everything with prayer...."  It's a bit harder (understatement!!) to "be anxious for nothing."  The uncertainties overwhelm me sometimes, and I fight to stay mindful in this moment and focus on accomplishing one thing before me.  In fact, I just noticed another hummingbird at the feeder, along with a bunch of sparrows, and I opened up my Goodreads app to note the three books I finished during this period of administrative leave.  Distracted much?  (The hummingbird is still there.)

I wonder how John the Baptist waited for what was ultimately his murder.  Or how Jesus got through the nights of knowing what lay ahead of him.  At least Jesus knew; I am not sure that brought Him any comfort or reduced any anxiety He might have felt in His human nature, but the uncertainty was not a factor.

Pick a Bible verse.  My current devotional plan comes from Proverbs, the book of wisdom.  Today's reading discussed discernment and insight.  A good prayer for me this week.  Holy Spirit, Wonderful Counselor, give me discernment, insight, and self-control to be "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry."  (Thanks to our Sunday School memory verse for this reminder.)

Troubling Concerns

1. 
   I cannot get past the visceral reaction that I have to any training by the person that the Journey has contracted.  I did some research and I learned that the trainer has a recent LMFT, nothing in the Christian Education or education field.  I know from past experience that she has been involved in a "false theology" of the so-called prosperity gospel (although she and some proponents have repented of it as recently as 4 years ago).  I also researched the two practices used in her counseling center; one is not evidence-based, although the primary founder of the practice claimed some pre- and post- anecdotal benefits, and the other is specifically for children and parents/caregivers--not in the classroom.  I guess, upon reflection on these factors, my visceral response might be valid.
2. I also have a problem with the proposal or at least the consideration of The Gospel Project curriculum, which is published and sold by Lifeway--which is a branch of the Southern Baptist Convention.  The SBC has been a major and central part of the "white evangelical" movement in Christianity, with coverup of sexual abuse and support of racist and radical Republicans.  

So the question I need an answer for is this: How do I explain this graciously to the Children's Ministry Director?  Help, please!

Waiting on God: A Promise

 The Lord does what is right and fair for all who are wronged by others.  (Psalm 103:6 ICB)

Counting on this verse, Lord.  Just what I needed because I was unable to sleep.  

Waiting on God: Previewing and Reviewing

Good morning, dear Lord of my heart.  Today is the appointed day for my colonoscopy.  The prep wasn't as bad as I anticipated, although the overflooding of my stomach with the liquid did cause me to vomit.  

So that is the preview!  Steve Macchia's piece on Reflective Journaling for the Waiting on God Soul Care Retreat captured the balance of reflection which I would describe as anticipatory reflection and retrospective reflection,  How can I project into my plans and schedule for the day what You may lead me to do?  Yeah, that is not reliable.  Interruptions happen, flexibility is required, and grace over all the unexpected "divine appointments" that surprise me.  

Reviewing my past three weeks here at home on the administrative leave has been informative.  I am not at all excited to return to work; I am also not completely sure that returning is the plan that You have for me.  I find that I hesitate to call myself a "social worker" anymore.  I confess that I felt a prompting that I overrode to move away from the hospital and the professional role there; I believed that I was being noble and considerate in staying so that my colleagues would not be even more overwhelmed and overworked than they are.

And then this.

I decided, just now, to listen to some worship music.  Because I thought it might be wise to avoid a tear-jerking song--"Word of God, Speak" came to mind--I chose the more upbeat "My Jesus" ("Let my Jesus change your life").  A hummingbird came to the feeder, probably having waited for the rain to stop.  And "Word of God, Speak" followed that first chosen song.  Yes, I cried.  You are so good to me even in the smallest things.

Getting to be time for me to leave for that appointment.  I do love You, dearest God Adonai, but imperfectly and not enough.  Please help me get better, purer, and holier in You.  Amen.

Waiting on God: Action?

Dear Heavenly Father, may I intend to do Your will on earth and not my own.  

I did not sleep well last night.  My mind was occupied with many thoughts and considerations related to work and the administrative leave I am currently on.  One of the most troubling considerations is how to explain my absence--even whether to explain my absence, instead of seeking a transfer to another site.  I am seriously wondering about this, despite the major inconvenience that such a transfer would be. 

This is the part of the "waiting on God" practice that is hard for me this week.  Is it time to think about action?  How will I know?  How will You tell me?  Is it even imaginable that I could walk back into the building and pick up where I left off?  Is retirement the option to pursue?

In the meantime, the world goes not well.  I will focus on my Heavenly Home and the mansion You are preparing for me there. Still waiting...still while waiting.

Love You, my King and my Savior and so privileged to call you also my Friend.

Waiting on God: Silence

Silencio. Appropriate for me without my hearing aids. In the Waiting on God Soul Care Retreat, I skipped ahead to the Silence and Solitude section. This spoke to my heart:

“There are few things that help so much for conversing with Christ as silence. The silence I

speak of is, obviously, the inner silence of the heart without which the voice of Christ will

simply not be heard. This inner silence is very hard to achieve for most of us: close your

eyes for a moment and observe what is going on within you. The chances are you will be

submerged in a sea of thoughts that you are powerless to stop-talk, talk, talk (for that

is what thinking generally is, me talking to myself )-noise, noise, noise: my own inner

voice competing with the remembered voices and images of others, all clamoring for my

attention. What chance does the subtle voice of God stand in all this din and bustle?…Your

tolerance of silence is a fairly good indicator of your spiritual (and even intellectual and

emotional) depth.” - Anthony de Mello  (De Mello, Anthony. Contact with God: Retreat Conferences. Chicago: Loyola University Press, 1991, pg. 39-40.)

That is so very true. The silence and solitude of these days on leave have been busy, but for the most part, despite the presence of DH at home (and the ever-present beagle!), largely quiet and isolated. I admit to looking forward to DH's various absences on errands because those times are the ones I grab for these entries. The suggestion is to unplug, but for me, the security of a password-protected online journal is safer.  

The visits of the hummingbirds still fill me with hope, and the many -- too many to count today! -- have been sweet and touching. Lord, it is silly, and I know it, to interpret too much into the visits of these littlest of the bird kingdom. Yet, Your word does point to a huge truth that my heart needs: if You care for the birds of the air, how much more You care for me!

Let me not worry about the hearing next week.  I will trust that You will put the correct words into my mouth, if I even need to speak.  I see that DH is worried about the damage to my reputation and I don't blame him for his concern even as I fight back against it.  My only goal is pleasing You, and the only source of my self-esteem is Your description of me as "precious in Your sight" -- sins, mistakes, and all the gunk and junk in me included but not being left there.

The bird feeder needs refilling.  Amen!

Waiting on God: Contemplation and Insight

Still waiting...still (while) waiting.  I grab the moments when DH is out of the house to have my quiet time, my "still" devotional time, because it is so deeply personal and moving that I could not explain it to him.  Sometimes I feel judged by him; sometimes, maybe, his judgment could be correct.  I don't think so, but how would I know?  Only by Your Spirit, Lord, can I discern what is "true, noble, right..." and all the other things that You (and the apostle Paul) outline in Philippians 4:8.

So, that is my prayer for today: that You would show me all that is "true, noble, and right" and all the other things so that I may not only think on those things but also exemplify those things.  Big ask, tall order.  But You are a big God, and You are transforming me into the likeness of Jesus.  May it be so.  Amen.

Waiting on God: Reflection

 "Keep me as the apple of Your eye; hide me in the shadow of Your wings."  Psalm 17:8

The prompt from the Waiting on God devotional referenced other Psalms, but this one started my time off because it is the coloring page I have been working on, little by little, for some time. It also reflects my sitting in my own Apple Room (our porch) on Appletree Lane. Furthermore, I am sad and rejected. (A hummingbird just came to the feeder; thank You, Lord.) 

I have been off work for over two weeks now, and I have no assurance that I will be going back. If I do, how will I explain my absence?  

I also note and have noted for a long time now, my short temper with my DH. (Confession)  I am annoyed easily by him; I don't respect his intellectual grasp of many of the contemporary political and social (and sometimes spiritual) issues; I become frustrated with his illogical opinions on various issues that affect me and my future (e.g., how to be involved in our daughters' and our future grandchildren's lives). To a great degree, I feel very lonely. His questions and suggestions to me feel condescending, and I respond with sarcasm. Many of our squabbles over the past 2-4 years have never been discussed thoroughly, let alone resolved. We just brush them aside and plod on. I don't want to enumerate them here; that would be even sadder. Lord God, let this time with You touch that lonely part of my heart and soul.  DH is a good man; he has provided well for me and for our daughters.  Please remove the greedy part of me that wants more.  You are my Provider, ultimately.  Make me grateful for all that I have.  (Which is way too much.)

What does it mean to be the apple of Your eye? That You are "extremely fond and proud" of me.  Even though I screwed up at work?  Those accusations leading to this administrative leave make me sound evil and incompetent.  Ah!  Maybe the leave has severed my tie to my work and my profession and has even affected my self-esteem to the extent that my self-esteem was based on my identity as a social worker.  May that not be so, Lord Jesus.  May my identity be based only on what You have called me and made me.

Little Blessings

•  Lauren Nguyen, MD, came all the way from Foxborough via Los Angeles just to worship with us at the Journey today!  
• The Bible verse in the "Making Sense of God" devotional was way too perfect for me during this "administrative leave" season:
• I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself.  My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent.  It is the Lord who judges me.  (1 Corinthians 4:3-4)
• The Leadership Transformations retreat guide intrigued me last night,  I thought, correctly, that this is the work of Stephen Macchia, formerly a pastor from Grace Chapel.  I was initially attracted to the full-day Sabbath soul care retreat guide, but as I looked at others, particularly the half-day ones, I became interested in one or more of them.  Maybe while I am still off?  (https://lti.christianbook.com/waiting-god-retreat-guide-individual-pdf/pd/32908DF?event=TCG|1012418)
• The sure and certain knowledge that even in the season of destruction and exile, as Maureen titled her sermon today, You, O Lord our God, are still constant and working.  May I work in concert and cooperation with You--always.

My Partner in the Yoke

 "Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30 NIV

(I digressed into looking for the NASB 1977, then the 1971, versions, my first Bible for memorization purposes.  Funny, Lord, how the versions over time have changed; e.g., "weary and heavy-laden" is the way I recall this verse.)

I am weary and burdened, Father God.  Even in my weariness, I think about the Lord's Prayer/Our Father, and pray that Your name would be "hallowed" in my situation.  I still cry easily, and grieve the reputational damage the "administrative leave" has caused me.  However, for the sheer heaviness of my burden, I am NOT in competition with the many people in the world suffering from the wildfires in Maui, the extreme heat in the South, the kidnapping in Haiti (thankfully now resolved), the deaths from COVID and inadequate health care, and the many crimes against humanity perpetrated by evil people and especially those in power.  Small potatoes, my little burden.  

I think I will squeeze in my Spanish lesson before noon for the extra points.  Keep me in Your yoke, Lord, because it is easy and light.

Amen.

Truth Cannot Die

 

This morning I became somewhat cynically discouraged and Googled (unsuccessfully, which seems auspicious) "the death of truth."  I know better.  Jesus, You said and continue to say that You are the truth.  You cannot die!  Hallelujah!

I know it is not right to lose hope.  Yet, I reflect on many of the Psalms in which the writer--usually David--came close to losing hope, too.  He never completely lost it.  I can not come close to imagining how stressed he must have been in his various escapades and encounters with near-death.  I get stressed over a 3-week paid leave!  (Although, always in the Spirit of Truth, I am enjoying it quite a bit.)

Remember the Holden Christian Academy "theme" verse?  Psalm 25 says "Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; For You I wait all the day."  Interestingly, in the NASB 1995, the beginning of Psalm 25 says that it is a "Prayer for Protection, Guidance, and Pardon."

Yeah.  We need that.

Lord God, thank You for bringing that silly little hummingbird to the feeder while I was there.  It is a small thing, and I know that when the season changes those little ones will not come to the feeder.  Still, I felt a little bit of Your hand on my shoulder, a smile from You, an acknowledgment that my heart is a bit raw and sensitive.  Small love in the background context of the BIG love of Jesus's sacrifice!

You are Truth--"I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life."  Amen!!

Hummingbird Hope

"Hello, Hummer!"  Lately, seeing a hummingbird at our deck feeder brings me to tears and to lifting my heart to You, Lord.  Those little ones bless my heart and seem like a sent reminder of hope from You.  Just this morning, *just* as I walked into the kitchen and had barely passed the wall beside the refrigerator, a lovely female hummingbird came to the feeder.  She lingered there a bit, filling her little belly.  Coincidence?  Perhaps, but I think not.

I cried.

I am still crying.

Lord, I know You know what it is like to be falsely accused.  You know what it is like to be an outcast.  "Outcast."  This is the first time I have used that term, and it pierces.

I also know that I have examined my heart and my recollection of the event, and I cannot find anything malicious or illegal, at least as I understand the law.  The hearing on the 24th is a Show Cause hearing, which sounds awful and threatening.  

I also checked on my timesheet, which has an unknown DET code.  Thankfully, it is all with pay.  Curiously and forebodingly, I found it marked that way until after Labor Day.

Should I initiate retirement?

It hurts that my own husband, who is unfailingly cheerful and relatively basic in his thinking about life, issues, and words, fails to get the underlying messages in the words he chooses.  He said this week that when listening to a person describe a life event such as a divorce, one needs to assume (one of my least favorite words or concepts) that the speaker "always presents the other person as the guilty one."  He also takes a both-sides-ism in many situations, seeming to want to present himself as balanced but often, to my mind, presenting himself as unwilling to think critically and carefully about the underlying situation.  He declined to take my car to the WARM English classes this morning because "How will I explain that you are not at work?"  He forgot that earlier in his retirement, he took my car at least twice to the English classes while I was at work, leaving me to drive his car.  

I cannot find the logic.

On top of all this, the crisis in the United States breaks my heart, and its effect on the Christian church breaks my heart into even smaller pieces.  I would almost describe it as shattering.  I finished listening to Russell Moore's "Losing Our Religion" on Audibl,e and I want to revisit the book on Kindle, where I can mark it up and comment on it.  Interestingly, Russell Moore was also an outcast from his position with the Southern Baptist Convention due to ... well, political differences may be the best way to describe the explanation.  In many ways, I have also been caught in the politics of the "workplace discrimination and violence" initiative.  Me.  I have a hard time wrapping my head around the allegation.

Ah, next to me is Bailey, my faithful shadow these past days of being at home.  He badly wants to lounge on the sofa upstairs when I sit there!  Hence, coming to the futon to spend some obviously "quality time" with him while he naps.  

Retreat of a Sort

 What would a spiritual retreat look like for me?  Maybe this "administrative leave" is a form of retreat for purposes of reflection.  Show me what to reflect on, dear Lord.

Persecution and Prayer

 Day 2 of my exile (aka Administrative Leave)

Oh, my.  Holy Spirit, I see You!  This is a perfect reminder to keep my heart and my mind focused on whatever You are doing through this crazy situation.  I know, having examined my own heart, that my motivation for my behavior in the accused event was neither malicious nor hostile.  It may well have been ignorant and even perhaps a violation of boundaries.  As my union representative has said more than once, "You cannot know what you did not know."

So how, dear Spirit, do I calm my heart and WAIT for You and the events to unfold?  Ah, that is my challenge.  Knowing how much work there is to do, and feeling so bad about putting it all on the supervisors, is hard on me.  But, of course, this is where I am now, and I will rest in the knowledge that You either planned this OR that You have a plan in this.

I will BLESS those who put forth this false accusation ("cursed me") and I will PRAY for those who are "mistreating me."  May my behaviors not only not detract from Your reputation but also enhance it.  Please allow me to show Your different way of doing life and love.  You have the rest of the job.  In the name of Jesus Christ, the Anointed Savior, Amen!

PS I am listening to/reading Russell Moore's book "Losing Our Religion," and it is sometimes bringing me to tears.  More on that in another post.

War, Warfare, and Warrior Child

This title was considered this morning before today's events occurred.  In fact, my new YouVersion devotional is named "The Spiritual Warfare Battle Plan."  So pertinent.  

In the meantime, I am stunned.  It feels quite a bit like the Pharisees accusing Jesus of breaking tiny little rules that really have little to do with true spirituality, true faith, true relationship with God.  In my case, I apparently violated a "religious" or "cultural" practice, and in the recounting of my violation, there are some blatant untruths. 

The good part, if there is one, is that I get a paid vacation!  It is called an administrative leave, and at the most inconvenient time possible for the hospital.  Oy vey.  But I will pay attention to how Jesus behaved in the face of false accusations.  Father, help my self-control and my tongue, which has historically got me into so much trouble.

Until then.  Lord, what shall I do with my time?

No Lie

"I am thankful before You, Living and Enduring King, for You have mercifully restored my soul within me.  Great is Your faithfulness."

One early morning (7:50 a.m.) entry while DH is away at his family's places in NH, and a quick capture of what has been on my mind and in my heart lately: Lies and truth.  Father God, it has not escaped my notice that You mention "truth" 137 times in the Bible, and that does not include any variations of the word.  After a recent sermon by Len Cowan, after which I described my frustration to him about the difficulty of discerning truth in a culture characterized and corrupted by lies, he pointed me back to the only source of truth--You as You have revealed yourself to us in the Bible.

You are the Voice of Truth. (Casting Crowns)
 

Dear God

Sometimes, Lord, that is all I can pray.  "Dear God."  I look around the world and see so much evil, brokenness, frank sin (and yes, even my own), and bleakness.  Maybe, just maybe, I see it because it is there.  What sometimes seems to happen is a wish for a rosy world where peace and love reign, and I am catastrophizing.  Am I?  Or are we--the world--really in the throes of childbirth, and the pain and problems are really powerfully there?

So today's verse from YouVersion punched me in the gut again.  Happening a lot this week!  

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.  James 5:16 NIV

I get it, Lord.  I need to reach out to family.  I tried this past weekend, and it didn't go well.  I will write because I can be more -- no, not more, but less reactive.  I am still so saddened by the "alternate reality" (I just read that term) that many people, including my own family members, are embracing. I also ask You to be ruthless in removing any deception from me, and in protecting me from an alternate reality.  I want to see the world with Your eyes, from Your perspective, in light of Your truth and Your goals.  I know that all is not what it seems to be.  But "Dear God," (again!) the juxtapositioning of truth and lie is so head-spinning that I cannot keep up.

Grace and graciousness, please, dear God, for my communication with my family.  I don't want to compromise truth; I am afraid that in my stubbornness I just don't want to compromise.  I ask for Your inspiration for my writing, and I really don't want to write without it.  

BTW, the YouVersion plan about Elisabeth Elliot is a little over-the-top.  I am skeptical of any human who can so unerringly choose faith and be such a remarkable believer.  (Jealous?)  I respect her and the hard life she had.  I have some admiration, a word I use cautiously, for the way in which she struggled to choose to submit to You.  However, whoever wrote this devotional edges up to a form of idolatry with her!  Help me to find that take-away nugget in these lessons from her life that You mean for me.

Struggling with a Mirror

Lord, the sermon yesterday by Father Len Cowan was a gut punch.  "The End for Israel" hit so close to our USA home, detailing many of the same issues in Israel that led to their downfall and that are present and prevalent in the USA in 2023.  The bottom line, however, was his point that the "cure" is not political or even religious but individual revival.  

Then Mom called last night after I sent a brief text noting my grief over the effect that lies are having on "my country, my family, and my church."  In her effort to steer a (lukewarm) middle course, she said, "I don't even know if you are telling me the truth."  That hurt deeply.  "This is why I am not ready to talk with you."

How?  Is this a Scripture coming true before my very eyes?  "Deceiving even the elect" is one verse that came to my mind, but there may be an even more pertinent one:

but understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty.  For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power.

Avoid such people.  

(2 Timothy 3:1-5 ESV)

Oh.  My.  Goodness. 

So, of course, in the spirit and the Spirit of individual revival, what does this mean for *me*?  That leads to the mirror reference.  (James 1: 23-27)

Please, Holy Spirit, work in me.  Make me like You, Lord, as the song prays.  In Jesus's name and for the sake of these last days~~Amen.

 

Mini Staycation

 The theme for the month in Sunday School (Grow curriculum) is "Staycation."  Apropos!  The family, including the young men, are in New Hampshire for the Independence Day/Family Reunion.  Bailey and I are home, though, and quite possibly more comfortable here.  :)

I was sitting in the living room thinking about what I was going to write here.  In that moment of quiet reflection, I heard the birds outside the house, probably in the holly bushes.  "Ah, that's the mindfulness exercise," I thought.  And a little while later, a hummingbird appeared but got frightened by my movement, I think.

I have not regretted not going.  They spent ~6 hours on the road getting to Logan, getting fireworks (before or after ...), stopping by the gift store selling his wares, and then (finally) getting to the Lake House.  That sounds awful!  Meanwhile, I stripped beds, prepped for Sunday School, saw a client, had a client cancel (!), napped, watched an episode of The Chosen and an episode of SWAT, and generally enjoyed being home.  I even put on some makeup!  Now it is almost 9 p.m. and I am thinking of getting ready for bed.  Ahhh.....

Father, thank You for this opportunity.  It was better for DH to be undistracted not only by me but by Bailey, who would not like the fireworks but would be driven to distraction by the s'mores and other food--and the chocolate is poison for him!  Bless me tomorrow so that I can bless the kids and their parents.  I think that is the Big Idea!  Love You so, so much.

So Many Prayer Needs

Good morning on this Lord's Day, Father God, and this Father's Day.  I am here at Appletree watching the worship service on the downstairs television, via AirPlay (neat program!), at the invitation of our silly beagle.  He is not allowed on the upstairs sofa, but he is allowed on the downstairs futon.  Hence, this location.

My Father in heaven, Your name is most holy.  May Your Kingdom come and may Your will be done.  It is so hard for me to see what is happening in the United States as Your will--but then again, You have said that Your kingdom is *not* of this world, haven't You?  One of the things that saddens my heart so deeply is the deception of people who claim to follow You.  Sometimes I fear that I am the one being deceived.  May it not be so, Father.  May I stay so close to You, to Jesus, to the Spirit that You will tell me what is truth and what is falsehood.

The title of this post reflects my feeling overwhelmed by all the issues requiring prayer: those of which I am aware, and SO many that dodge my awareness.  Just for some kind of accountability, please allow me to free-associate here for prayer needs:

• My own little family: my husband and my two daughters and all their various life needs
• My family of origin: my mother (age, blindness, peace in her needs and pains), my sister with dementia, my sister with a daughter caught in alcoholism.
• My sons-in-law: Tue and his journey to a relationship with You, Chris (technically not yet my son-in-law, but...) and his immigration hurdles and potholes.
• My in-laws through my husband: the urgent medical problems of my brothers-in-law Cliff and Bruce, my own challenging emotional disconnection from the others in the family.
• My church, its pastors and staff and ministries.
• This country--I can no longer say "my" country.  (Tom is preaching about idols, and he rightly points out that some idolatry may look a bit like patriotism or loyalty to a person or party--my interpretation, but I believe a valid one.)
• Our Ice Cream Outreach next week--weather, attendance, etc.
• MY OWN HEART, which is feeling crusty.  I grow impatient, frustrated, and sometimes arrogant regarding my own grasp of complicated concepts when others are slower to understand if they understand at all.

Why?

"For false messiahs and false prophets will rise up and perform great signs and wonders so as to deceive, if possible, even God's chosen ones."  Matthew 24:24

Father God, my Father in heaven, Your name is holy.  I have been pondering the theme of "truth" in my devotional times, in conjunction with my annual theme of "peace."  I looked up the number of times the word "truth" occurs in the New International Version--and not any variation of the word or related synonym--and the number is 137.  I would learn from this that truth is very important to You.

I titled this post "Why?" because I am troubled by the deception of good people by the blatant lying of the former President.  It grieves my heart deeply that people, some of whom I love, are blinded and fooled by a shameless charlatan.  You would think that with 37+ years of experience in psychiatry, I would know how useless it is to reason with a deluded person.  That is what I see: delusion, psychosis, paranoia, arrogance, magical thinking, and circular reasoning.  Remember when I took a logic class in undergraduate school?  I still remember much of the content.  Now, I fear, the folie a deux is really a folie a beaucoup, and the presentation of any truth by any responsible, trustworthy person would be torpedoed as "rigged" or "tainted" or "biased."

Your kingdom come, Your will be done.  Is this Your will?  Maybe it is?  As we get closer to the end times (maybe not "imminent" in my desired understanding, but maybe "imminent" in the sense that seems to be happening in the political world), no matter how faithful Your people are, things are going to be bad.  But light shines brightest in the darkness, doesn't it?  I fear that my own light, and perhaps the light of the Church, is a low-wattage light.  I need to have You power up my lumens and clean my vessel so that You shine through me.

Lead me not into temptation, Father.  My biggest temptations occur in my heart, soul, and mind.  I get sarcastic, snarky, angry, condescending--and not loving, not reflective of You.  

For Yours is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory, forever and ever~~Amen!

Prompt for My Family

 Jesus, mostly because I was stuck regarding how to spend this time alone (well, with Bailey) in a prayerful posture, I looked up prayer journal prompts.  The suggestion for today is "My Family" and the Biblical anchor is Psalm 103:17-18--

"But the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting

On those who fear Him,

And His righteousness to children's children,

To such as keep His covenant,

And to those who remember His commands."

I started to list my family members in my head before I read these verses.  Then I saw "His righteousness to children's children" and those words touched this old woman's heart!  Yes, Lord Jesus, I would love to see grandchildren.  Before that--mainly because that is *so* not in my control--I would love to have a plan to...well, see my grandchildren often and lovingly!  So here is my ask, my request: Would You show me, show us (DH, not as easy to convince), how to arrange this?  Then give us both the courage to take the steps that You direct.

I also find myself thinking about my son-in-law Tue.  (He is a focus of a separate blog.)  How long, Lord Jesus, until You look him in the eyes and into his soul, convincing him of Your love and perfection and turning his attention to You and away from the misled and corrupt Christians in historical times and in modern times?  Please do this soon.  I am convinced that time is short until Your return, and times are uncertain.  

I need to close my own eyes until DH gets home from his act of service to his mother on her birthday weekend.  I want more time, but as You said, "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak."

I love You so much!

 

 

Reflection

 

Good morning, Lord.  My DH is at the Men's Breakfast, learning about one of the latter fruits of the Spirit.  My canine companion is beside me on the futon.  I have stripped one bed; the cat is snuggled up on the other, unmade, which of course, means I can't finish taking those sheets.  I have taken a table to the dining room in preparation for our Easter Saturday Supper (and may have hurt my toe in the process, but whatever).  I am getting ready for one client at 11:30 a.m.  

And so distractible.  Lots to do, and I play word games.  (Did well in them, though!)

The world and the country are at war, both actually in Ukraine and Russia, and philosophically between ideologies in the USA.  I grow angry at the patent stupidity of the side calling itself Christian.  How, Lord, can this be?  Are You not "the Truth," and does not all wisdom come from You?  The blindness is obvious, and then I wonder whether I am being blinded.  The times are confusing.  I am so blessed by The Chosen, seeing through another person's eyes that You, Jesus, encountered many of the same personalities: the self-righteous, the Pharisaic, the ones more interested in power, and the ones interested in the promotion of their people.  Even the apostles talked about bringing the message to the Jews--their people--and did not, at least at the beginning, see that the message is for everyone, even though You foretold it in Isaiah.

So make my heart less angry, less judgmental, and much, much more loving, please.  Grow my patience with those who are not as quick to see logic and reason and especially with those who cannot see spiritual truth until You remove the scales from their eyes.  I want to "glow," as someone recently described me, because the Light of the World is inside me shining out.

Blessed are You, Lord our God, Lover of the Universe, Who offers to whoever would believe in Jesus the gift of eternal life, forgiveness, redemption, and the greatest love of all.