Wisdom, Justice, and Waiting

Dearest God, your servant is here. Your servant is also massively confused and sad and struggling. I keep spotting hummingbirds that I take as Your reminders to be hopeful. I don't want to be superstitious about it; I reflect on The Chosen's depiction of the dove that deterred Mary Magdalene from suicide. Those little flits remind me of hope.

I also reflect on The Chosen's depiction of "Little James," with the scoliosis and the difficult ambulation. "Why have You not healed me?"  Thirdly, I reflect on John the Baptist's beheading. You did not "rescue" him, God. John even sent his disciples to confirm Jesus's claim to be the Messiah, and the interpretation of John's questioning as a moment of faltering faith strikes a resonant chord in my heart.

Is my faith faltering? Will You decline to "rescue" me from this false accusation? I imagine all kinds of snarky comments and gotcha comebacks, and I know that such thoughts, words, and behaviors are not holy. Help me, God. This purification period is tough. I have said those words to others in encouragement, and now I am living through the process. It is hard; it is painful; it is dysregulating,

But YOU are constant, omniscient, wise, and just. But how long, God? I will wait patiently, or at least as patiently as I am capable of being at this point. Increase my faith--and my patience.

I would like to go back and list all the verses and reminders that You have shown me since the beginning of this ordeal. I don't think I have time at this very moment because I am getting ready to see a client in less than a half hour, but I do think that effort will be worthwhile.

Through it all, I am learning to trust in Jesus.
I am learning to trust in God!