The Goodness of Growing Smaller*

 "A season of decrease."  Idolatry.  I have been on this administrative leave now for 20 weeks.  I have had no communication from the hospital since September 28 and from the union since October 3.  These two themes from my recent readings are top of mind this morning as I write here

God, did I create an idol of my identity as a social worker?  Am I "growing smaller"?  It feels weird, and it seems rather nice in a way to be at home so much.  I had been used to having so little time to do many of the tasks I have done and still have to do this season, and now I have the time.  Even time to journal here more often has been a blessing of growing smaller and decreasing.

And yet.  Last night, as I was drifting off to sleep, I recalled the 400 years between the last recorded words of God in the Old Testament and the arrival of Jesus in the New.

Four hundred years.

What did the faithful people of God think and feel during those years?  That is about five lifetimes for some people.  Is God real?  Has He abandoned us?  Why is He silent?  Did we do something wrong?  What are we waiting for?  What is He waiting for?

"The Fullness of Time."  (Coincidentally or not, our Advent theme at The Journey!)

God, please help me to see goodness in this time of decrease.  Help me to redefine myself according to Your leading.  "He (Jesus) must increase but I must decrease."  Amen!

Validated

Abba, I am almost finished listening to a book on Audible titled "The Kingdom, The Power, and The Glory" by Tim Alberta.  I feel both sad and validated.  I have been so profoundly dejected about the political and spiritual condition of the evangelical church, especially in light of the support for the vile ex-president--and his rising poll numbers.  Call me conspiratorial, but I harbor a strong suspicion that Russia and perhaps China (maybe other countries) are manipulating polls and even the candidate.  However, having been listening to this book, I am discouraged that SO many evangelicals and far-right conservatives either cannot or will not consider the truth.  

Truth.

Probably because this book has outlined not only modern-day but also historical and even Biblical examples of persecution and power, all based on failure to follow God and Godly standards of behavior, I am feeling validated but no less despondent.  In fact, if something positive comes out of his book for me, Abba, it is the camaraderie of sadness that Tim describes for himself and for many of the Christian leaders he interviewed for the book.  It is a feeling of lament.  

Why am I surprised?  The Enemy is the Father of Lies, right?  

You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.  (John 8:44)

Help me, Abba God.  I find examples all over my life of your people facing persecution, false accusations (yes, still going on with that administrative leave), and "spiritual leaders" who are not Godly.  "Christians are taught never to place their faith in man....we are predisposed to making gods out of athletes, entertainers, politicians, anyone who can dazzle and fill us with awe."  We are "idol-making factories," said Calvin.

We are indeed.  And I see an idol in the current Republican ... what do I call him? ... standard-bearer.

God, have mercy on us.  Deliver us from evil and spare us for a time to rededicate ourselves to serving You and reaching out to this broken world.

Gracefully Broken

 Abba, this song had me in full-on tears this morning.  I am so broken.  My identity as a social worker has been ripped out of the fabric of my self-esteem.  

"Here I am, God, arms wide open/Pouring out my life/Gracefully broken."

I am not sure about the graceful adjective.   That doesn't describe me very well.  Of course, if You pour Your grace into me until I am filled, then that would make me "grace-full."  Where is my leak?  It feels like I lose some grace somewhere in a subtle and hard-to-discern puncture or tear in my protective wall.  (Here I sit at the Toyota dealership getting my tire, which is losing air pressure, diagnosed.  This motif is on my mind.)

Plug the leak in me, Holy Spirit.  Sometimes such surgical repair is painful but beneficial.  I consent to the procedure!  (Maybe what is happening now is the procedure.  Keep my character and my heart under Your control, please.)

Unexpected Turns

 I considered what to write about here, Abba Father, and I leaned toward taking an idea from my YouVersion devotional Bold and Brave: Women of Welcome.  This was the first sentence:

"Trusting God can be difficult, expecially when life has taken an unexpected turn."

Oh, yes.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick.  Proverbs 13:12 is one of the verses accompanying today's reading.  Truthfully (always!), I am not sure anymore that I "hope" to return to work.  I have enjoyed many parts of this time off.  I probably needed it.  The uncertainty of the resolution does wear on me, and I think it wears on DH as well.  

One of the next challenges I will face will be the explanation of this leave.  I hesitate to tell the story partly

because I am aware of every storyteller's bias--to make him or herself blameless.  It would help if I, like Jesus, could unequivocally claim to be blameless!  

Unexpected turns.  I would not have expected this one.  But You are faithful, You are good, You hold and know the future.  I will put my little hand in Your big one and trust You.  And I will move forward.

In Jesus's name and with love~~Amen. 

Faith for an Unknown Future

 "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."  Corrie ten Boom, unknown date.

Hello, Father Abba.  At this point, on November 13, it has been over 15 weeks of "administrative leave."  This was most certainly an unknown future and may continue to be.  But I know You!  I know You not as well as I want to or as I need to, but I am on the way.  Even in not knowing when Corrie said the quote above--before or after the most horrible things happened to her--I am practicing that trust in knowing You.  

In reality, none of us knows the future, making it by definition unknown.  I hear many people saying, "I don't know what/where/when/who...." and I often answer them by noting that no one knows those answers.  (I could stop doing that.)  I suspect that I am encountering the weak faith of many people.  My own faith is not that strong; however, I may have matured to the point where I have enough faith, just enough, to accept that there are many things I don't know.

• I don't know if Tue and his parents are coming this weekend.
• I don't know when I might return to work.
• I don't know what the outcome of the administrative leave will be.
• I don't know what DH's cardiology appointment will reveal.
• I don't know.....

But I know You!

Not everything that will happen to me will be good.  Not everything that will happen in the world or is happening in the world is good.  But I know that You are good.  In that sure and certain knowledge I put my faith for my own unknown future.

Faithful to Protect ME

I rather like it when Your messages to me are reinforced and repeated in different areas of my life.  <Smile>  In Sunday School with the little kids, the "big idea" was "God protects me."  We played around with several ways the children might feel the need to be protected, some of which they might not yet even understand.  (Vaccinations or "shots," police and firefighters who are best known to the children *before* they are needed, parents--of course!--and loving relatives, and too many more to list.)

But this verse speaks to my heart today.  *I* need to be protected from the evil one.  The evil one is after me in both overt and covert ways.  Earlier today, my DH expressed annoyance (at the best end of the spectrum) at the LENGTHY time period with no resolution of my administrative leave.  I am discouraged if not annoyed myself.  Abba, here is the sneakiest way that the evil one attacks me and the area in which I need the most protection: loss of FAITH in You.  In other words, my own faithlessness.

So I will remember (with needed reminders from time to time) that You, Lord, are faithful,  You will strengthen me, and You will protect me from the evil one.  You *are* protecting me from the evil one.  Please hold up my flagging faith when I falter.  

You are always faithful.  You are always good.

Faithful: The Very Definition

  According to Merriam Webster, You, our God, are the dictionary definition of faithful:

"Steadfast in affection or allegiance; loyal; firm in adherence to promises or in observance of duty; conscientious."

The only thing that is, perhaps, not exactly correct in this definition has to do with the idea of "duty" attached to You.  I have a hard time pondering what duties You have, or even Who assigned them to You.  

But Merriam Webster may come to the rescue!  The second definition is the only one that seems to represent Your character:

"Obligatory tasks, conduct, service, or functions that arise from One's position (as in life or in a group)"

That's YOU! Because of Your position as God, Jehovah, Adonai, all those names, You are obliged to be Yourself in all the work, promises, and love that make up Who You are.

And You are faithful.  Completely, unfailingly, perfectly faithful.

And I am so very thankful for it and for You.

Faithful God

 

Faithful God, I *can* always trust the wisdom of Your ways. I must confess that I often don't understand Your ways. I don't mean to be doubtful about this 3-month leave and the silence regarding the resolution that was promised sometime during the first week of September ("within two weeks" of the hearing date of August 24). Here I am, two months out from that promised decision, and the only thing I know is that "the situation is complicated."  I am grateful that I continue to receive my full salary, that I can continue to volunteer and donate platelets and even take care of various house projects that have been neglected for months if not years.  

You have never done things in an easily understandable way, though, have You? Most of the stories that I see in Scripture, both Old and New Testaments, are filled with plot twists and unexpected developments. Something You (Jesus) said to your disciples/apostles about how many times it would take for them to believe You just came to my mind. "How long shall I put up with you?"  (Luke 9)  Indeed.  God, loving and wise God, You *always* know the end of the story and the path to that end. Sometimes the "end" may not be what I would call good, and in those times my own faith in Your faithfulness wavers. (Think Mosaic's closing, for example.)  What is the Lauren Daigle song that says "When You don't give the answers/As I cry out to You, I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You."

I *will* trust in You.  With gratitude. With confidence in Your love for me. With (not enough!) love in my heart for You.

 

Home on a Sunday

 

Abba God, You are a God of great love.  I stayed home today with our sick beagle not because I don't love You but because I do love that dog AND my DH, who had cleaned diarrhea out of the dog crate two mornings!  I am grateful for livestreamed worship services that help me to "be" there.

One heartbreaking bit of information shared at church but which I had already learned about was the fatal shooting at Worcester State University!  It could be paralyzing to decide to stay away from every place where something might happen, because something might happen ANYWHERE.  How, how do Your people live and love in freedom and peace in such a dangerous world?  I know that You are the ultimate Protector; in fact, ,it seems that You have more than one name that reflects Your protective role and nature (El Elohim, Magen, Jehovah-Nissi).  

So, I will trust in Your protection not only for me but also for my beloved ones--my daughters, their men, my DH, my extended family.  Otherwise, Abba, I might never leave this home again, and even then, there is no guaranteed safety anywhere but under Your wing.

I will go start supper!  Thank You for this chance to be home on a Sunday.

Observations

 

My Adonai, in the past few weeks (months?), I remember talking to You about seeing You in the daily experiences of life.  Today I believe I have an observation from You: I feel better when I don't listen to the news, when I focus on accomplishing concrete and specific tasks on my list, and when I indulge in some reading/listening to books, songs, and other artistic endeavors.  I also feel better when I write here in this journal/blog.  The secrets of my heart!  Not even my DH would be entrusted with them!

Speaking of my DH, he seems shaken by his deferral from blood donation for irregular bradycardia.  Abba, he takes such pride in being strong and healthy, as he measures it by the number on a scale.  (He can be somewhat judgmental about overweight people, and he tries to blame most medical problems on failures of diet.)  Please reassure him.  His life, like mine, is in Your hands.

Today is a beautiful day suited to early Fall, even though it is moving toward the end of October.  Climate change!  You are on the move, and the climate is only one of the early indicators, but there are others and they need to turn our eyes to You.  I am looking, Father.  Let me observe.

I love You.  Amen.

House Arrest

 

Not for the first time, Lord God, have I compared my administrative leave to Paul's house arrest.  

• Held in Rome
• Two year duration
• Able to live in his own home
• Unable to travel
• Constant company from a Roman guard

Two years!  It possibly could have gone longer if Paul had not decided to appeal to Caesar.  That makes me wonder whether I should or should not "appeal" since Paul's appeal resulted in his conviction and execution.

Pastor Toms's preaching about Esther yesterday was interesting in that Tom made fun of patriarchal ideology and that he also emphasized that we sometimes--maybe most times--do not foresee why God places us in certain positions, sometimes for long, boring periods.  So here I am.  (My computer is losing juice; so, I will end this post but listen to the sermon/service again.)

"Waiting here for YOU."

Friendship

 My devotional plan this week, in large part because it has weighed on my heart, is titled "Wisdom for Friendships."  Please, Abba Father, bless the card I plan (but ONLY if You permit!) to send to Ohio.  

How awful it would be for me if You did not carry the weight of our friendship!  I am not a great friend.  I watch my daughters, who spend money and time and effort to maintain their friendships.  Help me, please, to learn and practice better friendship skills.

I admit to being preoccupied with the political landscape.  It is this very landscape, and the divergent views of it, that has wreaked havoc on relationships in many places.  Seal my lips, Lord, and deliver me from the belief that my "superior" logic and reasoning can convince anyone to change their position.

Here goes....

A Sign of Commitment

 I have been watching a show set in Regency England (the decade of 1811-1820).  It struck me that the sign of commitment to a relationship was correspondence.  Of course.  There were no telephones, no emails, no texts to communicate with loved ones, and the written word carried the message of the heart.  Moreover, it was documentation that was savable and cherished.  

Abba, we speak of Scripture being Your love letter to us for the same reasons.  It remains forever, You say in Isaiah 40.  Some of Your beloveds cherish the actual book, almost idolizing it.  I see how cherished Your words are for us whose souls are bereft of Your presence.

So, I was challenged to take this little bit of solitude to write back to You as a sign of my commitment.  I also want to demonstrate my actual prayer and not just the often-empty and vague promise to pray about situations and people.  If I recall what I used to do many years ago, with long lists of "prayer requests," I smile at my youthful and zealous naivete and I also regret the emphasis on prayer as intercession and requests.  It is so much more.  

Thanks to Your sacrificial love, I can end this entry with this closing:

Eternally Yours,

Me

Failed Already

 Argh, Lord, I get so provoked by illogical conclusions.  I am especially provoked when my DH engages in them, mainly because I want to believe he is smarter than that.  Maybe that is my own fault.  I can overlook the failure of logic in people whom I know to have some limitations.  I wish my DH did not fall into that category, but perhaps he does.

So, I failed again.  I listen to Scripture and to young adult fiction (currently "Eldest"), and I see and hear examples of stubborn, irrational characters.  I observe current events and the political positioning of politicians courtesy of frank lies, which are generously named "misinformation."  But when DH reaches a conclusion based on faulty reasoning and incomplete information, let alone a critical thinking process, it makes me nuts.  When I am nuts, my mouth operates almost independently of my mind and my will.  Ugh.

So much to pray about, God.  The world really doesn't go well these days.  I would like to spend some time reflecting--maybe a more accurate description would be preparing by reflecting--on how others of Your people lived through oppression, wars, and evil.  Knowing that reason and logic will not convince some, even many, people might be a first step.  False accusations are also common during such times.  Standing firm and peaceful, confident that I am listening to and following You, is what I want and ask for myself.  Would You grant me that?  It would go a long way to strengthening me for these frightening times ahead,

Love You, God.  Deaf though I am in my physical and spiritual hearing, I want to hear Your voice and see what You are doing.  May You grant that to me!  Amen.

Learning to Listen

Father Abba, over the past few devotional times I have had, I have picked up (a little) on the notion of discernment and listening.  Quiet--solitude--watching and SEEING and listening attentively--reflecting on all those inputs to see if the puzzle pieces fit together into a picture of what You are doing in me and maybe in the world, too.  There are lots of distractions; some of them might have small, oddly-shaped he pieces of the puzzle.  Wars, natural disasters, internal and relational stressors, and in all of it, uncertainty that provokes anxiety.  EXCEPT there are no unknowns for You!  If I hold onto that single certain truth, I can chase away the anxiety.  I still feel some urgency about not only my own loved ones (think Tue and his faith) but also the innocents of the world (think refugees, victims of war and violence, and even victims of lies and gaslighting).  

I have a client in 30 minutes.  May I listen carefully and attentively to her as well.  

I love You, Lord.  And I lift my voice, my hands, and my heart to worship You.  May I serve You well, not just like Martha (although there is great satisfaction in accomplishment and order) but also like Mary.  Amen!

Verge of Tears

Abba, I am on the verge of tears today.  Whenever I stop to think, to allow myself to think for any length of time, the tears well up.  Much of my angst today and yesterday has come from my DH, with whom I have been disappointed for some time.  If I let my mind go, I can go back over 15 years and find examples of his disregard for me.  There is also the issue of his disrespect for issues and matters of importance to me.  Some of these issues involve racist, sexist, and judgmental attitudes toward people who are disadvantaged or different.  Yet, he serves often and willingly with the refugee ministry, and he serves often and willingly in task-oriented opportunities at church.  Such mind-bending contradictions!  He has provided so well for me and for our daughters.  On the other hand, he is so (annoyingly!) focused on every retirement-advising podcast or publication that he can find that he misses the big picture of what is going on in the world and how it reflects what You are doing in the world.  His interpretations of events and philosophies and political positions enrage me!  How can he be so ill-informed, so bad at critical thinking and evaluation?  Not that a whole lot of people in the US don't embrace those same interpretations...and not that their short-sightedness doesn't similarly enrage me....

I need to move along.  I do love You a lot, and I do acknowledge with a contrite heart that my rage is not pleasing to You.  I have not been very successful (yet, anyway) at stifling my emotional response.  I could use Your help with that.  Of course, and I don't want to use this as an excuse, You also responded angrily at quite a few points in the history of Your people when they were stupid, rebellious, defiant, and disrespectful to You.  Show me when and how, please, to release the anger.  In all things may I reflect You, Your love, Your character.  

Maranatha!  Come, Lord Jesus, and soon!

Long Obedience

 Abba, there are two things on my heart and mind this morning as I take advantage of this time when DH is away (ministering! a good thing). To start, I will just list them:

1. 
   The "long obedience" theme. I am trying to remember whether I have already read this book, but even if I did, it may be a good time to re-read it. The long waiting is paradoxically becoming harder--and easier.
2. The annoyance I feel almost constantly with DH. Just now, in my YouVersion devotional, the distinction between hearing and listening was outlined, and it made me laugh and it made me copy a quote. If I feel any one thing about DH, it is that he is NOT listening to me *if* he is hearing me. And I am the one with a hearing impairment! I will address this issue more deeply with You in another post soon. I am disappointed in myself for my irritation, and I am also discouraged and dispirited by the weakening of our relationship. I feel that his faith is superficial and that I cannot share my thoughts and feelings with him so that he won't undermine and attack them. But who am I to judge his faith? I am the one sitting here at home under indictment for poor behavior at work (unjustly, I believe, but still).

"If we define the nature of our lives by the mistake of the moment or the defeat of the hour or the boredom of the day, we will define it wrongly."  (Peterson, Long Obedience,)

Abba, I see a theme emerging. I need to *listen* and look at circumstances with discerning eyes to peer into the deeper, hidden-in-code meaning of those circumstances. And I need to remain obedient. Persevering over the long haul, no matter how long it seems or actually is. Eternity is at stake and eternity is in Your hand, as are the affairs of men and women and the whole world.

Thanks for this time. I will be back! 

The Unexpected

 "Not what I expected."  That may be the theme for this season of my life.  

Abba, this period of waiting continues to be hard.  Perhaps doing a bit of study on Paul's house arrest might encourage me (although I believe it ended in his execution under Nero!).  He was allowed to live at home, as I am, and he continued to preach and teach (well, I am teaching PreK-K) while guarded and restricted.  I thank You that the financial aspect of my "house arrest" is not uncertain.  

In the meantime, please show me how to best use this chapter for Your glory.  There remains a lot of work to do for the Kingdom, and I still have a few miles left in me.

1) Tue's relationship with You.  I recently listened to an interview with Russell Moore, editor at Christianity Today, who believes that "We've lost our credibility to the outside world" due to the influence of Trump and many right-wing conservative evangelicals.  I am concerned that Tue has been affected by this loss of credibility, assigning it to Jesus and not to the cult-following people who idolize Trump.  Help, Abba!  Help, Spirit!

2) Chris's immigration status/permanent legal residency.  I would love a wedding and a marriage!

3) The daughters.  Always.

4) The husband.  I don't understand him, and I continue to fear for him.

On to some tasks.  With all my love!

The Spirit and My Life

I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life

who proceeds from the Father [and the Son],

who with the Father and the Son is adored and glorified,

who has spoken through the prophets.  (from the Nicene Creed)  

What prayer is the Holy Spirit expressing in your soul?  As I read the Life in the Spirit individual retreat prompts (from LTI), I personalized the first-person plural pronouns to first-person singular--that is, I made the readings about ME.  

• *I* am God's child.
• *I* cry, "Abba, Father!"
• The Spirit helps *me* in my weakness.  *I* do not know what I ought to pray for (oh, yeah), but the Spirit himself intercedes for *me* through wordless groans.  And he who searches *my* heart knows the mind of the Spirit.

What prayer do you offer in response?  I surrender.  Not my will, but Yours be done.

Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love,

for I have put my trust in You.

Show me the way I should go,

for to You I entrust my life.

Rescue me from my enemies, Lord,

for I hide myself in You.

Teach me to do Your will,

for You are my God;

may Your good Spirit

lead me on level ground.

(Psalm 143:8-10)

The best definition I have discovered for  agape is “unconquerable benevolence.” It means that no matter what people may do to us by way of insult, injury, or humiliation, we will never seek anything but their highest good. (Steve Macchia)  This is a really piercing reminder for me during this desert experience of the administrative leave-without-end.

My Current Need

 "You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good."  Joseph to his brothers

I have too little time without DH at home to write more, Abba, but I will, probably tomorrow.  Much on which to reflect, including conversations with Tue about 1 Peter, anxiety, "casting cares" on You, and his recognition of a song ("Come to the Altar")

Soon!

Soul Cleansing

 

"Do I want to know God's will more than anything else?" (Rueben Job, from Spiritual Discernment Soul Care Retreat)

Abba God, my heart is slow today to engage in some of these deep reflections.  My eyes want to close; earlier, as I listened again to "Savior, Like a Shepherd Lead Us" and read again Pastor Job's question above, I cried.  I think I do.  Sometimes, though, Your will is not the easy path.  (Ask Jesus.) Sometimes it requires not just the death of the body, but the death of hopes, aspirations, plans and anticipations.  Sometimes, even, it may mean the death of a reputation.

Ah.  But I count it ALL as loss.  Philippians 3:8-10--and now I am crying again.  I will copy this passage in another entry, soon, but now I will quit.  I am overwhelmed and overcome with sadness.  But my soul is being cleansed by my tears, and there will come a day when there won't be tears any more.

I love You, God, and yes, I do want to know Your will more than anything else.

An Iranian Woman

 I am on the verge of tears, Abba God, recalling how Nona came over to chat with me yesterday during my platelet donation appointment.  Now no longer on the verge, I am crying.  I have no idea whether Cindy had told Nona my story or whether this kind visit with her was orchestrated by You, but in either case it touched my heart.  (It also touched my heart and amused me when Cindy responded with an expletive when I described the situation to her.) I wait; I ask You for discernment; I try to use this time, without the stress of no income, in a productive way.  Thank You for Nona's sweet interaction with me yesterday.  I felt comforted that those who know me pretty well don't believe the awful allegations of wrongdoing lodged against me.

In the meantime, I look for direction from You.  What next?  Or, in the words of Julie's former principal, "So what? Now what?"

Love you!

Discernment and Leading: Holy Spirit

So many thoughts, not really competing with each other but rather acting like puzzle pieces to a whole picture of discerning Your will, seeing Your leading to and pointing out Your specific path forward, and then--then!--choosing to walk that path.  Seems to me like these things are components for the process, that one without the others would be incomplete obedience.  How, Holy Father Abba, can I personally do what You are asking me to do?  This request assumes that I know what You are asking me to do, and I can see how my current devotional on prayer fits into this request.

I looked for verses in Your word to capture my heart this morning as I seek discernment.  These verses from Acts made water fall from my eyes:

*Then the Spirit said [to Philip].... Acts 8:29

*[While Peter was reflecting on the vision,] the Spirit said to him.... Acts 10:19

*[While they were ministering to the Lord and fasting,] the Holy Spirit said.... Acts 13:2

There are a few other verses in Acts that indicate Your Spirit's active direction in the lives of the apostles.  The three that I chose have this in common: the Spirit SAID.  Say, Lord, what I need to hear from You.  My ears, both spiritual and physical, are impaired but with Your "hearing aids" I will receive these communications from You clearly, loudly, and without distortion.  In Jesus's name~Amen.

Spiritual Discernment

 

What am I seeking in this soul-care time of prayer, reflection, and discernment? (from the LTI Retreat Guide) (one sentence only!)

Lord God, Adonai, Abba, I seek to know the path of Your choosing for my life in this fork in the road of my life.

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The women.  That is what jumped out at me at my first reading of Luke 24:13-35.  "...our women amazed us."  It doesn't surprise me very much that women are and were amazing, or that "Him they did not see."  Perhaps it is a gender-based quality, that famous or infamous "women's intuition," that allows many women to see Jesus and to grasp spiritual realities before the men do.  But the men finally get it.  "Then their eyes were opened and they recognized Him."  

Confession: I grow impatient with DH because he is slower to "get it" much of the time although it is without question that his heart is good and open.  Forgive me, Jesus.  I know in the Gospels that You sometimes grew impatient with Your apostles and disciples for not "getting it" even though they walked with You, saw first-hand the things that You had done, felt in Your presence Who You are in Your nature.  What would have happened if You had written them off?  What would have happened if You had written *me* off when I was slow to "get it"?  Increase my patience and my faith!

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Crossroad.  Exactly.  I have been standing, even sort of making a sitting area, at this juncture in the path while awaiting--what?  A Divine Pointer Finger?  Yes, maybe that.  While I am at this crossroad, Holy God, let me look around attentively, examining this place and seeing the details of the area and looking down each path to catch a glimpse of You.  Which path -- from which path -- are You beckoning?

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"Redemptive meaning was given to pain." Flora S. Wuellner.  May this be true in this experience, my Lord Adonai, dearest Abba.  Show me the redemptive meaning in this painful experience.  Redeem me, and then help me to share the meaning humbly and clearly where I need to share it.  Amen.

Time Gets On

Lord, I am coming up to six weeks on leave.  I cannot say that it has not been refreshing in some ways, productive in some other ways, and painful in more than a few ways.  It has taught me several things; the most important thing, I believe, is that I may have ignored or otherwise passed over a sense that it is time for me to move into retirement.

I confess, Lord, to an unholy pride that somehow the hospital could not get along without me.  Well, they are.  I am not nearly as indispensable as I once thought.  Being at home and getting a LOT of things done has been relaxing, too.  I am not sure that my DH has enjoyed my being at home, though, in some ways because I think he had been getting into his own retirement routine.  I am sure that my Bailey Beagle has loved it.  He has been a companion who makes me feel quite loved (not that DH has failed at that!).

My next step appears to be researching retirement for myself and specifically the Group 2 designation. This week is a busy week with various appointments: root canal follow-up, platelet donation, haircut and color, taking my mother to a medical appointment, and just doing the next "one" thing around the house.  See? This time "off" has not exactly been idle time.

Lord God, You know that I am devoted to serving You.  I see the ways in which this trial has overtones of having me join in the fellowship of Jesus's sufferings.  He, too, was falsely accused, considered a criminal, unjustly punished even unto death.  Although it isn't too likely that this trial will kill me, it may be the death of my career.  

You just sent a hummingbird.  

Not my will but Yours be done.  Amen.

Blankness

Still waiting.

I wonder how many times the Israelites said or thought that.  During the exiles, while awaiting the promised and foretold Messiah, even while their loved ones were away--without instant messaging or texting or GPS tracking, or the other accommodations to the anxiety of not knowing.  

I do not know.  Will the decision be favorable or disciplinary?  I am not even sure I want to return after many weeks of being on this (thankfully paid) leave.  Maybe I needed the kick to practice being retired.  It's not so bad.  I have made a lot of progress on various projects that lingered and languished.  Think "basement closet."  (There is still more to do there.) My current challenge is prioritization; what is the best thing to do first?

Father God, I trust You and I will trust You.  Your ways are NOT my ways, nor are Your thoughts my thoughts.  Lead me in the path You have charted for me, and help me to follow You without engaging my intellectual rationalizations.  You don't always make "sense" as the world sees sense, but You always do what is right and good.  For the sake of Your kingdom, and may it come soon! Amen.

Humility vs Humiliation

 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time." 1 Peter 5:6 NIV

The verses before and after this YouVersion Daily Refresh verse set the frame so well.  Father God, as usual, You have been so wonderfully and faithfully *personal* in Your messages to me during this time of trial in my life.  I would still like to grab the time to reflect on several of those verses; in fact, I will do that for a few minutes before pondering today's communication.

James 1:12 "Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."

Psalm 103:6 ICB "The Lord does what is right and fair for all who are wronged by others."

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort."

1 Corinthians 4:3-4 NIV "I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself.  My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent.  It is the Lord who judges me."  (And of course also makes me innocent by forgiving and pardoning me!)

Luke 6:27-28--Proverbs 19:21--visits from my hummingbird friends--my night(s) of lament--my unchosen and forced sabbatical--the Waiting on God Soul Care Retreat----and now, today's verse about Your lifting me up in due time.  It has been hard not to jump to a conclusion one way or the other, Lord God.  I have resisted the human desire to predict a future that is not in my power to predict.  After all, I did not see this coming.

So I will put my trust in You, knowing that I do have a clear conscience.  The world (and the investigators) may not clear me of these allegations/accusations, but You and I know the truth.  Sometimes I feel that I am a victim of gaslighting, and I doubt my recollections and my own heart, which of course if deceitful in its nature.  But if I am not humbling myself under Your mighty hand, I am certainly being humbled, if passively and not by my own choices or interventions.  I will wait for the due time of Your lifting me up.  Jesus, You did.  It took a few days, if I remember correctly.  That time of waiting was literally hell for you.

I love You, Lord, and Your mercies never fail me! Amen.

Wisdom, Justice, and Waiting

Dearest God, your servant is here. Your servant is also massively confused and sad and struggling. I keep spotting hummingbirds that I take as Your reminders to be hopeful. I don't want to be superstitious about it; I reflect on The Chosen's depiction of the dove that deterred Mary Magdalene from suicide. Those little flits remind me of hope.

I also reflect on The Chosen's depiction of "Little James," with the scoliosis and the difficult ambulation. "Why have You not healed me?"  Thirdly, I reflect on John the Baptist's beheading. You did not "rescue" him, God. John even sent his disciples to confirm Jesus's claim to be the Messiah, and the interpretation of John's questioning as a moment of faltering faith strikes a resonant chord in my heart.

Is my faith faltering? Will You decline to "rescue" me from this false accusation? I imagine all kinds of snarky comments and gotcha comebacks, and I know that such thoughts, words, and behaviors are not holy. Help me, God. This purification period is tough. I have said those words to others in encouragement, and now I am living through the process. It is hard; it is painful; it is dysregulating,

But YOU are constant, omniscient, wise, and just. But how long, God? I will wait patiently, or at least as patiently as I am capable of being at this point. Increase my faith--and my patience.

I would like to go back and list all the verses and reminders that You have shown me since the beginning of this ordeal. I don't think I have time at this very moment because I am getting ready to see a client in less than a half hour, but I do think that effort will be worthwhile.

Through it all, I am learning to trust in Jesus.
I am learning to trust in God!

Just What I Needed

I have the absolutely best daughters. 

Just when I sat down to have this time to journal, my daughters, beginning with Amy, popped in with text messages of support. It was good to put some of the events into words. They seem to know more intuitively what to ask and what to say without being (or maybe with being?) sexist; I wonder whether that is their feminine intuition vs. DH's masculinity. It could be personality-based, too. In any case, whatever the explanation, their support is sweet and timely.

In the spirit of the prayer journal, I want to reflect on what I "need" and what You, God, not only say that I need but what You provide and have already provided.  

A word flashed across my screensaver that came right from You, Lord, at a precise minute when I was considering writing a rebuttal to the article that has precipitated my current crisis. I discovered it comes from the Bible! "Gadarene" references the Gadarene swine who drowned themselves when they were possessed by the exorcised Legion demons (Mark 5:1-20).   I may still write a rebuttal, but I do not plan to do anything precipitous, impulsive, or self-destructive with it. I hope it will be therapeutic for me to write, as it has been in the past.

Thanks for the hummingbirds, too. I saw three within a short time. And thanks for the word. I love how You love me! This stanza, with a couple of amendments, captures it.

I love how Your heart beats
Whenever I'm with you
I love how You think of me
Without being told to
I love the way Your touch is always heavenly (indeed!)
But Lord God, most of all
I love how You love me (I love how You love me)

Hear Today, Hear Tomorrow

 Very quick prayer, Holy God (because DH is home): May truth and righteousness win, and may I be an ambassador for YOU.

Now What?

Heavenly Father God, this title could be more appropriate after Thursday's hearing (Show Cause).  However, I need to embrace this "now what?" question today.  I feel a little paralyzed by the anxiety over the uncertainties, not only about the outcome but also about the process and the preparation.  I know and want to obey Your command/encouragement to "Be anxious for nothing BUT in everything with prayer...."  It's a bit harder (understatement!!) to "be anxious for nothing."  The uncertainties overwhelm me sometimes, and I fight to stay mindful in this moment and focus on accomplishing one thing before me.  In fact, I just noticed another hummingbird at the feeder, along with a bunch of sparrows, and I opened up my Goodreads app to note the three books I finished during this period of administrative leave.  Distracted much?  (The hummingbird is still there.)

I wonder how John the Baptist waited for what was ultimately his murder.  Or how Jesus got through the nights of knowing what lay ahead of him.  At least Jesus knew; I am not sure that brought Him any comfort or reduced any anxiety He might have felt in His human nature, but the uncertainty was not a factor.

Pick a Bible verse.  My current devotional plan comes from Proverbs, the book of wisdom.  Today's reading discussed discernment and insight.  A good prayer for me this week.  Holy Spirit, Wonderful Counselor, give me discernment, insight, and self-control to be "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry."  (Thanks to our Sunday School memory verse for this reminder.)

Troubling Concerns

1. 
   I cannot get past the visceral reaction that I have to any training by the person that the Journey has contracted.  I did some research and I learned that the trainer has a recent LMFT, nothing in the Christian Education or education field.  I know from past experience that she has been involved in a "false theology" of the so-called prosperity gospel (although she and some proponents have repented of it as recently as 4 years ago).  I also researched the two practices used in her counseling center; one is not evidence-based, although the primary founder of the practice claimed some pre- and post- anecdotal benefits, and the other is specifically for children and parents/caregivers--not in the classroom.  I guess, upon reflection on these factors, my visceral response might be valid.
2. I also have a problem with the proposal or at least the consideration of The Gospel Project curriculum, which is published and sold by Lifeway--which is a branch of the Southern Baptist Convention.  The SBC has been a major and central part of the "white evangelical" movement in Christianity, with coverup of sexual abuse and support of racist and radical Republicans.  

So the question I need an answer for is this: How do I explain this graciously to the Children's Ministry Director?  Help, please!

Waiting on God: A Promise

 The Lord does what is right and fair for all who are wronged by others.  (Psalm 103:6 ICB)

Counting on this verse, Lord.  Just what I needed because I was unable to sleep.  

Waiting on God: Previewing and Reviewing

Good morning, dear Lord of my heart.  Today is the appointed day for my colonoscopy.  The prep wasn't as bad as I anticipated, although the overflooding of my stomach with the liquid did cause me to vomit.  

So that is the preview!  Steve Macchia's piece on Reflective Journaling for the Waiting on God Soul Care Retreat captured the balance of reflection which I would describe as anticipatory reflection and retrospective reflection,  How can I project into my plans and schedule for the day what You may lead me to do?  Yeah, that is not reliable.  Interruptions happen, flexibility is required, and grace over all the unexpected "divine appointments" that surprise me.  

Reviewing my past three weeks here at home on the administrative leave has been informative.  I am not at all excited to return to work; I am also not completely sure that returning is the plan that You have for me.  I find that I hesitate to call myself a "social worker" anymore.  I confess that I felt a prompting that I overrode to move away from the hospital and the professional role there; I believed that I was being noble and considerate in staying so that my colleagues would not be even more overwhelmed and overworked than they are.

And then this.

I decided, just now, to listen to some worship music.  Because I thought it might be wise to avoid a tear-jerking song--"Word of God, Speak" came to mind--I chose the more upbeat "My Jesus" ("Let my Jesus change your life").  A hummingbird came to the feeder, probably having waited for the rain to stop.  And "Word of God, Speak" followed that first chosen song.  Yes, I cried.  You are so good to me even in the smallest things.

Getting to be time for me to leave for that appointment.  I do love You, dearest God Adonai, but imperfectly and not enough.  Please help me get better, purer, and holier in You.  Amen.

Waiting on God: Action?

Dear Heavenly Father, may I intend to do Your will on earth and not my own.  

I did not sleep well last night.  My mind was occupied with many thoughts and considerations related to work and the administrative leave I am currently on.  One of the most troubling considerations is how to explain my absence--even whether to explain my absence, instead of seeking a transfer to another site.  I am seriously wondering about this, despite the major inconvenience that such a transfer would be. 

This is the part of the "waiting on God" practice that is hard for me this week.  Is it time to think about action?  How will I know?  How will You tell me?  Is it even imaginable that I could walk back into the building and pick up where I left off?  Is retirement the option to pursue?

In the meantime, the world goes not well.  I will focus on my Heavenly Home and the mansion You are preparing for me there. Still waiting...still while waiting.

Love You, my King and my Savior and so privileged to call you also my Friend.

Waiting on God: Silence

Silencio. Appropriate for me without my hearing aids. In the Waiting on God Soul Care Retreat, I skipped ahead to the Silence and Solitude section. This spoke to my heart:

“There are few things that help so much for conversing with Christ as silence. The silence I

speak of is, obviously, the inner silence of the heart without which the voice of Christ will

simply not be heard. This inner silence is very hard to achieve for most of us: close your

eyes for a moment and observe what is going on within you. The chances are you will be

submerged in a sea of thoughts that you are powerless to stop-talk, talk, talk (for that

is what thinking generally is, me talking to myself )-noise, noise, noise: my own inner

voice competing with the remembered voices and images of others, all clamoring for my

attention. What chance does the subtle voice of God stand in all this din and bustle?…Your

tolerance of silence is a fairly good indicator of your spiritual (and even intellectual and

emotional) depth.” - Anthony de Mello  (De Mello, Anthony. Contact with God: Retreat Conferences. Chicago: Loyola University Press, 1991, pg. 39-40.)

That is so very true. The silence and solitude of these days on leave have been busy, but for the most part, despite the presence of DH at home (and the ever-present beagle!), largely quiet and isolated. I admit to looking forward to DH's various absences on errands because those times are the ones I grab for these entries. The suggestion is to unplug, but for me, the security of a password-protected online journal is safer.  

The visits of the hummingbirds still fill me with hope, and the many -- too many to count today! -- have been sweet and touching. Lord, it is silly, and I know it, to interpret too much into the visits of these littlest of the bird kingdom. Yet, Your word does point to a huge truth that my heart needs: if You care for the birds of the air, how much more You care for me!

Let me not worry about the hearing next week.  I will trust that You will put the correct words into my mouth, if I even need to speak.  I see that DH is worried about the damage to my reputation and I don't blame him for his concern even as I fight back against it.  My only goal is pleasing You, and the only source of my self-esteem is Your description of me as "precious in Your sight" -- sins, mistakes, and all the gunk and junk in me included but not being left there.

The bird feeder needs refilling.  Amen!

Waiting on God: Contemplation and Insight

Still waiting...still (while) waiting.  I grab the moments when DH is out of the house to have my quiet time, my "still" devotional time, because it is so deeply personal and moving that I could not explain it to him.  Sometimes I feel judged by him; sometimes, maybe, his judgment could be correct.  I don't think so, but how would I know?  Only by Your Spirit, Lord, can I discern what is "true, noble, right..." and all the other things that You (and the apostle Paul) outline in Philippians 4:8.

So, that is my prayer for today: that You would show me all that is "true, noble, and right" and all the other things so that I may not only think on those things but also exemplify those things.  Big ask, tall order.  But You are a big God, and You are transforming me into the likeness of Jesus.  May it be so.  Amen.

Waiting on God: Reflection

 "Keep me as the apple of Your eye; hide me in the shadow of Your wings."  Psalm 17:8

The prompt from the Waiting on God devotional referenced other Psalms, but this one started my time off because it is the coloring page I have been working on, little by little, for some time. It also reflects my sitting in my own Apple Room (our porch) on Appletree Lane. Furthermore, I am sad and rejected. (A hummingbird just came to the feeder; thank You, Lord.) 

I have been off work for over two weeks now, and I have no assurance that I will be going back. If I do, how will I explain my absence?  

I also note and have noted for a long time now, my short temper with my DH. (Confession)  I am annoyed easily by him; I don't respect his intellectual grasp of many of the contemporary political and social (and sometimes spiritual) issues; I become frustrated with his illogical opinions on various issues that affect me and my future (e.g., how to be involved in our daughters' and our future grandchildren's lives). To a great degree, I feel very lonely. His questions and suggestions to me feel condescending, and I respond with sarcasm. Many of our squabbles over the past 2-4 years have never been discussed thoroughly, let alone resolved. We just brush them aside and plod on. I don't want to enumerate them here; that would be even sadder. Lord God, let this time with You touch that lonely part of my heart and soul.  DH is a good man; he has provided well for me and for our daughters.  Please remove the greedy part of me that wants more.  You are my Provider, ultimately.  Make me grateful for all that I have.  (Which is way too much.)

What does it mean to be the apple of Your eye? That You are "extremely fond and proud" of me.  Even though I screwed up at work?  Those accusations leading to this administrative leave make me sound evil and incompetent.  Ah!  Maybe the leave has severed my tie to my work and my profession and has even affected my self-esteem to the extent that my self-esteem was based on my identity as a social worker.  May that not be so, Lord Jesus.  May my identity be based only on what You have called me and made me.