Thankful for My Daughters

Lord, I know that I have a very limited time here.  I definitely want, however, to lay the travels of my girls before You.  Both will be traveling today, and early tomorrow morning the rain/snow is supposed to start and change over to snow.  By plan, both will be home by the time things get started.  And by plan, both parents may be home as well.

But "the mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." Proverbs 16:9.  Please direct the steps of my daughters as they come home for Thanksgiving.  And then both of them will be traveling over the next 6-7 weeks to other countries.  Please direct their steps in those journeys as well.  What excitement for them!  Seeing how You are at work abroad is just part of their preparation, I believe, for their service to You.  But--my protective mother's heart strains at letting them go so far.  Did You feel that way when You let Jesus come to earth, where You were certain that *we* would kill Him?  

I have much to do, and little time to do it.  Thank You for the blessing of this computer and this blog, where I can capture my thoughts.  Isn't that another verse?  2 Corinthians 10:5 "...and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."  May my thoughts be obedient to You.  Amen!

Punch List of Prayer

• Bobby and Heather and the pregnancy
• Mom's eyes, her grief on this anniversary
• Terri and her endurance with Mom
• My husband, sometimes crazy and forgetful and not always intuitive
• My daughters
• Amy: trip to Wales and Europe, direction on post-graduation job
• Julie: endurance for the rest of the semester, Guyana, TFA Philadelphia
• MOPS, church, Junior Church

Be Careful What You Pray For

Yup.  I asked for it.

In my previous post, too long ago, I asked You, Lord, to help me with my pride.  (Why has it taken me so long to get back here?)  Well, You did.  Perhaps one of the biggest slams to my self-confidence has occurred.  I "pride" myself on being a good clinical social worker.  I applied to become a Clinical Social Worker D, thinking in the back of my mind that I would be a shoo-in for it.

And I didn't get it.

(So, to rub salt into my own wound, I just checked my work email.)

Humility and humiliation are close relatives.  I do feel humiliated.  I also feel rejected, unappreciated, misunderstood, and lonely.  Yes, lonely.  I can't explain that feeling--or maybe I can--but it's there.

The reasons that I was given:

• I didn't "present well."
• I didn't speak about my weaknesses.  ( I KNOW this to be untrue.  I brought them up myself in the first interview.)
• I "didn't want the position as much as my competitor did."  (How did they know that?)

Oh, and a fourth--I was" feeling pretty confident."  Again, untrue, and how do they think they know that?

Okay, my anger is showing.  Back to humility and pride and being put in my place.  In many ways, I am reaping what I have sown.  I have said on several occasions that I did not want to work in close proximity to the director.  I have been very blunt in my criticisms of the administration.  I have called out the people in charge on several, if not many, stupid decisions.  I deserved NOT to get this position.

To continue in a position of humility will require more than I have, Lord.  I cannot do it in my own strength.  Please tamp down my anger and allow me to respond in a Godly way.  I keep thinking of Joseph and the incredibly unfair and undeserved treatment he received.  (I deserve mine, and perhaps in his innocence and inconsideration for others he deserved a piece of his, too.)  What did Joseph say?  Genesis 50:20

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."

May it be so, Lord.  May it be so.  May it be for good to accomplish Your will and Your work not only in me--perhaps most necessarily in me--but in saving many others as well.

Session with God

No clients tonight, Lord.  This is not a bad thing!  I rather look forward to a night to spend talking a bit to You.

I guess I have a laundry list of prayers.  Sorry.  When I say I will pray, I mean to keep my word.

• Bobby and Heather and baby conceived: Dearest Father, You love life.  You have gifted us with life, especially eternal life.  As Bobby and Heather cling to the beginning life they have helped You to create, please protect the tiny one inside.  It's early in the process--only 5 or 6 weeks.  (Progesterone injections appear to be indicated only for those who have "preterm births" which I didn't think was the same as a miscarriage.) 
• Mom and Jennifer (Power-Penwell): What??!?  She is "anonymously" calling Wanda and calling her a b****, wishing for her death, accusing Wanda of ruining her life?  As if Jen isn't fully -- hasn't already done a bang-up job on her own.  

Lord, I also have not recovered yet from the insult from the pastor of the church.  I am better, though.  I still cannot sit through his sermon, but with having to substitute in Grade 2 this week, I didn't have to.  (And I SO enjoyed teaching that small class of 7!)  Humility, Lord, right?  <grimace>

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.  Rather, in humility value others above yourselves."  Philippians 2:3

So, in reality, I am smarter than many people but that does not necessarily mean that I am better.  I am ... what?  Faster-thinking?  More logical?  Oy.  This humility thing is a little more complicated than I would have thought.  Correct assessment is not the same as being proud, or humble.

My head is getting confused.

All right, Lord.  It is getting later, and I should go get some food and get home.  Help with humility, dear God.  I do want to abandon my pride.  Yes--and no.  To be honest.  But I want to be close to You, and You don't like pride.

Darned Keys

Lord, so often I say that I will pray, but then I get busy and distracted and don't actually do it.  So, I have lost my work keys.  Or You have hidden them from me so that I can sit here and actually trust You to show me where they are.  My eyes hurt.  My head is cluttered.  When this happens, I typically just waste time with games.  But no, not this time.  Please help me to think clearly, to retrace my steps, to use wisdom and grace in dealing with others who might have told me in error that my keys were not there when (hopefully!) they are.

I need a day off anyway.  Maybe I have a virus?  A retreat would be nice.  :)  A retreat at home would be even nicer....

Please, dear Father, send an angel to bring me my keys, or bring me to my keys~

I, of course, want to end this prayer in the traditional, good-Christian way: "In Jesus's name."  In this case, it is for Jesus's sake and by the omniscience of the Holy Spirit, please?  Amen!

Nunc Dimitis? ... And Then Came Robyn

Prayer time, Lord, and it must be serious because I am having trouble concentrating.

I am hurt, deeply, by Tim's reaction and email regarding a class for 5th and 6th graders.  I don't know how to capture these feelings in words, which makes it hard to pray.

I was so sure he would get it.  My heart for children, that is.  That he would understand the urgency of addressing the readiness, the eagerness, the availability of these young hearts to meet the Lord in their own culture, language, learning styles, and lives.  He claims to be "developmentally aware" or aware of the specific developmental needs and issues of the 10-12 year old.  I challenge that, but silently now.  I don't want to outline my arguments, or more properly speaking, the evidence for my position, in this entry.  I need to focus on my heart, my hurt.  I am as close to ready to quit as I have been since coming to this church.

The big, huge, enormous question really is this: What are You saying, dear God?  In the preceding week, the cute interaction that I had with Jack at work around defining the Latin term "nunc dimitis" seemed like just a coincidental exercise of our mutual interest in the Scriptures.  (It came out of my sharing a Latin legal term, nunc pro tunc, "now for then.")  I am not one for making too much of coincidences.  However, this one continues to haunt me.

Nunc dimitis is "now released."  Am I now released from this ministry at this church?  It would actually be a huge relief.  My darling husband has been ready to surrender this work for a while now, and I believe he has hung on only for the sake of my conviction.  Would You humor my fledgling attempts at interpreting Your messages by confirming this in some way?  Even as I type that, I cringe, because the most definitive confirmation would be the request of the elders to have us step down.

And that would hurt.

Part of what also hurt a lot from Tim's email was the hint that we might just go ahead without the support of the church staff to have a class for these kids.  Honestly, we wondered about it.  But the overt accusation of insubordination--would that be the correct term?--is insulting.  What is even more disturbing is that we are not only not employees of the church, but we are also not members.

So what?  My thoughts are swirling.

So, to have a discussion about the merits of the proposal seems like the respectful thing to do.  What irks more than I would probably admit publicly is that NO ONE talks to us.  For years this church has used our passion for children, and even our money and our time, without stopping us to ask us about our own lives.  They have not cared how we think, feel, live, or value the next generations.  Maybe that's unfair.  Maybe I have no right to decide that they have not cared.  What I can say unequivocally is that they have not shown that they care.

And then came Robyn, and her phone call on Sunday.  :)  Just thinking about her makes me smile.  Only eighth grade and way too mature.  But still a child!  I ask, Lord, was her phone call out of the blue another one of those "coincidences"?  Were You pointing out to me, or rather were You pointing me, to the bottom-line issue: the hearts and souls of the individual children?

(Which caused me to remember that I needed to give Pam the contact information for therapy with Beth A, and then I also responded to Parlee's jazz performance invitation.)

Robyn is a dear one, Father, and her grandmother (and step-grandfather) already have a profound influence on her and her spiritual life.  I am frankly honored to be included in her circle of influential adults.  I need to ask the Holy Spirit, please, to tenderize her heart to a spiritual conversation, but I don't want to force one.  That she reached out is amazingly touching.  So, Lord, I know You want to rescue her.  She reminds me a little of coaxing Chloe, our kitten, into the house.  Enticement, patience, understanding, more patience, and some natural desire to "come home" all play into it.  Give Robyn the desire to "come home" to You, and use me to help, if I can.

Back to the original question: Am I now released?  Would You allow the confirmation to be gentle, if it is so?  As it was so sweetly done for Simeon, Lord.

Honored

Dear Heavenly Father, I am very honored to be taken into Stephen's confidence about his prostate cancer. Now, having said that, permit me to focus on him. Please be gracious to him and allow treatment to be completely effective in removing all trace of cancer from his body. Keep him calm and reassure him that You have a good plan for his life. In his typical way, he asked me to pray also for his son, who lost his job either on the same day or in the same week as this news of cancer came. So, please bless his son with confidence that another job awaits him. And of course for his wife Bonnie--peace, trust, love, and steadfastness. Let Stephen have wisdom as he listens to treatment options and chooses the one that is best for him. In all of this, dear Lord, turn his heart toward You. He already identifies himself as a "spiritual" man; he does not embrace the doctrines of Catholicism but is, by his own report, interested in "Christianity." Use me. I have a great fondness for this guy. In Jesus's name, by which we are saved~~Amen.

Prayers Near and Far

Rick Sacra
Tiffany Fontaine and her father
Katie Raley
Anna Harvey
Tim Cochrell and his family--and our church
My own mother
My daughters
My husband!
MOPS and its future in Princeton
The world--Ebola, ISIS, weather events--Maranatha!

That's what comes to mind in two minutes.  I think I will add Junior Church and Mary Ann to that list, and then of course the Nicols 5.  Oh my goodness.

No wonder there is not enough time to pray!

Well, Tiffany first.  Dear Heavenly Father, Tiffany's father is a mess.  I don't know the entire story, nor do I have to.  I know that Tiffany worries about him, goes up to Vermont to rescue him, and over all dreads the high probability that on one of those rescue trips it will be too late and she will find him--dead.  Her husband is, to our knowledge, not a believer in You.  Tiffany yearns to share her burdens with him for spiritual support, but of course he can't provide it since he does not have a relationship with You.  So, Father, bless Tiffany in ways that I may not be able to imagine.  I ask for her that she may be "strengthened through [Your] Spirit in her inner being" "with power" "so that Christ may dwell in her heart through faith."  I also pray that she might understand that "in this world [she] will have trouble...but [she can] take heart because [You] have overcome the world."  She did a bold and courageous thing by backing out of MOPS--but she may be one of the mothers who needs MOPS the most!  If I can be an encouragement to her, use me.  Today, let her "see the King!"  In Jesus's name~~Amen.

Who next?

For Rick and Debbie, dear Great Physician, I ask for supernatural healing and grace.  They really have lost their lives for You in many practical ways.  Bless them for continued work in the harvest; the time appears to be shorter than ever.  Restore Rick's health not only for him, or for Debbie and their sons, but also for the sake of the Gospel and the reputation of Your name.  Your name is a strong and mighty tower; Your name is a shelter like no other.  Nothing has the power to save but Your name.

My family: husband, daughter, mother (and I forgot to include my sister #2 who has gastritis and a pretty devastated relationship life).  Just got a text from Amy about her left leg cellulitis.  Thank You so much that it is so much better.  Please make time for her to get to the clinic to get a clean bill of health.  Thank You that I knew enough to help her through the decision to have it seen and diagnosed--correctly, including the cutaneous mastocytosis.  And for Julie, who is less in touch and somewhat more independent (how we say that when Amy lived in Mexico for 7 months, I cannot explain), please get her to church and/or Bible Study--soon?  For George, peace and a clearer mind.  I fear that his fatigue is way too much, not only physically but emotionally and cognitively as well.  (Maybe we can ask Charles Raley to help us with Junior Church database management?)

Dang it, Lord, there is never enough time.  I pray that even though I have not specifically written about all of the things on the list above, You know that I am bringing them before the Throne of Grace.  I need to scoot.  I have a couple of birthday cards to ready since the birthdays are tomorrow.  (Bless those two, one of whom is the sister I mentioned earlier.)

I also want to take a look at the Scriptures and put another memory verse on my list.  Which one?  "Pray without ceasing!"

I love You, Master and Father and King and Savior...and Friend.  :)

Prayer for MOPS and Anna

Before I write out my thoughts for Tim (our pastor--God, bless him!), I really want to pray about this situation.  I am not at all sure that there could have been any other outcome.  But I digress.  I need to focus on my own responsibility, my own culpability, in the events of last Thursday night.

First: I did hijack the meeting, or at least the devotional time.  I might do well to include the link to the suggested MOPS theme reflection, since it so perfectly addressed our group's situation.  But I did hijack the topic.

Second: Lord, do I love Anna?  I find her annoying and shallow.  Katie said something...I wish I could remember her exact words...that Anna does not like me, either.  What is it?  She's not my enemy.  I started to say that she means well, but I am not even sure about the truth of that statement.  I guess I question her motives for being a MOPS coordinator.  There is little depth...okay, I am getting away from the main point, which is me.  So what if she isn't perfect?  That doesn't let me off the hook for loving her. God 1, Patricia 0. 

Third: What is my role as mentor mom?  It might be wise to include the mentor responsibility description for Tim as well.  I know I am supposed to be able to share the Gospel and my own experiences.  I am supposed to attend the meetings, not as a voting member but as a support and an observer.  I overstepped.  Perhaps--perhaps--I had "good" reasons.  That does not change the fact that I overstepped.

Father, forgive me, for I knew not what I did.  Part of it I did knowingly, willingly, and willfully.  Overall, I did not know how this would affect Anna.  I hoped to open up a conversation, a brave and courageous conversation, about what each of the steering members were thinking and feeling about themselves and about their role in MOPS this year.  I hit a mine.

(And Tiffany didn't help by quitting precipitously.)  (I just sent her an apologetic email for not have caught the problem sooner.)

Okay, Lord.  I need to get to it--the email to Tim.  Bless me with grace, truth, and love!  In Jesus's name~~Amen.

Ebola

As You know, Father, I hate to say that I will pray unless I make good on the promise and document it.  I am not close to Dr. Rick Sacra, but he is someone in my extended circle of acquaintance, and as a missionary to Liberia for Your sake, he is a brother.  And he has Ebola.  I ask You simply to heal him.  Show Your great love and power in and through his life.  He has many people asking You to work a healing miracle, and I join my prayers to theirs.  "If anyone asks anything in My name...if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask...."  Well, dearest Great Physician, we are asking in Your name, and many more than two of us are agreeing about this.  Please restore him completely to full, serving health.  He would not be happy with anything less.  In Jesus's name and by the power of the Holy Spirit and for the kingdom of God!  Amen.

Oh, To Pray!

Dang!  Lost much of what I wrote--no, I lost ALL of what I wrote!  

Okay, in brief:

Ephesians 3:16-19 for Sharron Smith from HBC and for my daughters.  Sharron because I told her I would pray for her, and my daughters because I want them to be prayed for often and intensely.

I shall close this now before I mess it up again.

Be Me, Bravely

Courage to Fly!

Oh, Lord, what a perfect lead-in for the MOPS Steering Meeting tonight!  How to hijack it?  If, of course, that is what You want, Lord.

Be gracious to us.  The hearts of these dear women have been hurt.  There is much misunderstanding, perhaps some correct but hard understanding, and without much question in my mind a lot of self-esteem damage being lived out in this MOPS context.  Please help me, as mentor, to be supportive and loving and wise.  Tall order!



Maybe we can start by reading this first page of the Leadership section.  Just bookmarked it.  It is powerful.  Thank You, dear Lord!  I will need to override Anna, which is never easy.  It may just have to be done.  She is intimidated, Lord.  She has dodged me on several occasions, and the awkwardness is--well, awkward.  Her oldest daughter is in my PreK class and is so sweet and delightful.  Weird!  I am pretty sure this is a remnant of the Ali fiasco of some years past.  Let's put that on the table, too, if necessary.  Those hard conversations--that's what the intro to the theme mentioned.

Be glorified, Lord.  Be glorified!  In Jesus's name, by the work of the Holy Spirit, for the kingdom of God~~Amen.

Aarrgghh!

I had good intentions, Lord, really I did.  Why did I have to get interrupted first by my mother and then by my husband?  On the phone, of course, but here comes the third call.  "Epilepsy Foundation of New England"--a truck in the area on August 16 for donations of clothing.  What is going on?

I really need to spend some retreat time with You, Lord.  That "Soul Care" thing that Grace Chapel did not even one week ago was so appealing to me.  If I could just go and be in a bubble but still hear and soak up all the teaching~~ahhh.  That would be wonderful.  I know I think about retreats, but the fellowship part is not attractive to me.  Why?  Not sure, but I think it's because I listen to people and perhaps analyze them too much.  It would be nice to have someone listen to me, make me feel the way I hope I make others feel, but not be condescending or patronizing.  That, I think, is the hardest part of being a good listener/therapist: the not taking on a know-it-all, superior stance.

I am a lousy peer.  I do not do this peer thing very well at all.  And now, I may have 5-10 minutes before my husband arrives, and I cut my mother off "to make my husband some dinner."  Aarrgghh!  For some retreat time~~without making my husband feel unwanted~~without abandoning my mother (whom I just saw yesterday for about 4 hours)~~without a to-do list of tasks with timelines and deadlines~~maybe someday, and maybe too soon I will have this time, and then I won't like it.

But for now...maybe....

Off to make that dinner!

True to My Word

So, Lord, after telling my client about my journaling my “devotions,” I thought I really should do some.  I told the family that I had two “appointments,” and one of them is with You!

What is on Your heart to tell me today, dear One?  It was a tired day.  I had a lot of trouble staying awake and alert.  I also had a lot of trouble not eating candy—partly because I had a lot of trouble staying awake and alert.

I texted Pastor Tim but did not get a response yet.  It was a simple text.  “How’d it go Sunday?”  Is he away at camp this week?

I have a LOT of memory verses to rehearse and practice and test.  If I do two a day, I will catch up soon and won’t treat it like a chore.

God, I am very tired.  I want to get Amy’s medication sent to her in Indiana; so, I should go.  I love You even when I don’t have much to say!

Bless Her, Indeed!

Ahhh.  It is 9:24 a.m. and here I am, Lord!  Later than I had hoped, but I am keeping this “appointment” with you here in my office on Sever Street.  I have SO little time to spend in devoted, undistracted time with You.  (Not complaining—more confessing.)  So, let me get to the most pressing issue on my heart today: my younger daughter going to Morocco in just 5 days.

How do I feel about this trip?  It’s a funny mix of emotions.  I admit to a bit of fear and anxiety, and I wished (yes, past tense) that she would have gone to Eastern Europe instead.  However, I also think this is an adventure of a lifetime.  I am excited for her!  She has such a lot to do before Thursday, and I would please ask Your assistance to get it all done.  Sometimes she is not organized with regard to timing.  (I wonder if she inherited that from her father.  Haha!)  We need a couple of specific acts of grace from You: she needs her World Health Organization form signed before she leaves, and … okay, now I forget.  Oh, yeah.  She needs her contacts for 15 weeks.  Oy.  Grace, dear understanding Father.  Please?

Moreover, please pursue her during this time away from a lot of Christian fellowship.  I know, I am sometimes too arrogant about the weaknesses in many of my Christian family members.  Maybe even more than “sometimes.”  The sin of pride, right?  L  Well, I digress.  My prayer/desire/request for Julie is this: that her relationship with You might be strengthened and deepened during this time away, a relatively solitary and individual time for her faith.  Of course, humanly and maternally I ask for safety for her.  (I wonder what Your mother must have gone through, releasing You to danger and death.  I feel for her!)

And now, what?  It’s 9:49 a.m., and I expect my client in 10 minutes.  Bless her, too.  That’s an entry for another page.  J

I love You more than anyone else, and not enough, at the same time. 

In Jesus’s name~~Amen.

PS  Scott Hassett and Gail, Shayna, and the other daughter whose name I don’t think I ever put in my memory—Scott is dying of pancreatic cancer, and likely soon.  Do You remember Andrew, the Angel of Death from Touched By An Angel?  (Of course You do.)  They could use some angels to bring comfort, humor, and grace during Scott’s homegoing.  Make it wonderful, as wonderful as the death of a loved one can be, please?

My "Session" with You

I am treating some time with You, Lord, as an appointment; so, when hubby asks how many "clients" I have, I add one to compensate for documentation time and my "session" with You.  You, however, are the Wonderful Counselor and I am Your client.  :)

So, what are You working on with me?  What is Your treatment plan for me?  In the last post, I talked about digging deeply into some of my nastier characteristics.  Yesterday, I was again confronted with my pulling-away from intimacy with my husband.  I no longer wish to share with him about my thoughts and feelings and experiences.  I am not entirely certain that we value many of the same things.  He wants to retire; I want to keep working and serving and ministering.  I would jump at the chance to bring Jovan, or some other youngster in need, into our home; he grimaces.  I talk about landscaping our sloped yard to be more hospitable and user-friendly; he mocks this idea.  Things around the house--toilet, kitchen switchplate to name only two--are falling apart, and he says he is going to work outside today, or picks up every book to put it back on the bookshelf in his newly-decorated office.

So, yes, I am complaining.  Not pretty or attractive, and I am not proud of it.

(PS PLEASE bring Patches, the cat, back to my mother!)

I do not feel understood by him--husband, not Patches.  :)  I won't--note the defiance in that word choice!!--tell him anything about work anymore.  When I had ranted about work, of course putting myself in the best and smartest light, he made a degrading comment about my always being right.  Sting!  I don't feel that I can share compliments that I receive.

Okay, I better stop.  I am in a public place, and my eyes are tearing up.

I am trying to get through the book Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands.  Some of it, even much of it, is challenging to me, because while it acknowledges the roles of biology and trauma and relationships with others who are sinful and imperfect, it also places responsibility for sinful reactions squarely on the "victim."  Eeee.  No real justification!  What this means for me is confusing, and I get myself caught in a Catch-22 circular argument.

(It got too deep and too threatening.  I just checked Facebook and email.)

Lord, help me, please.  I don't want a bad relationship with my husband.  It's not frankly adversarial or conflictual.  In very many ways, it is a good marriage.  You, however, are my closest friend.  Maybe that's how it is supposed to be.  He cannot understand me very well, for any number of possible, probable, and pointed reasons.  If I "need" to be understood, then I come to You.  Help me to take more risks, not willy-nilly, but wisely, with respect to sharing some parts of me.

Tears in the eyes again.  I think I will end now.  When will be our next session?  :)

Love~~in Jesus's name, Amen.

Digging Deep

(I wish I had a computer at the ready every time I thought of a title for a prayer post.)

This post is a difficult one to write, Lord.  I am trying to confront my terrible-ness without blaming anyone else for my sin.  It's harder than I thought it would be.  In the effort to be brutally honest, I am not pleased with myself and consequently withdraw into isolation.  What is even worse, I suspect, is that I withdraw from relationships (You know which one, mostly) that are supposed to be my best and deepest connections.

So, how do I start this attempt?  To recall one of the more painful recent events, I go back to DH's birthday.  Through my own disorganization--and it is necessary both to say that and to emphasize that--he found the receipt for the gift that I really wanted to be a surprise for him.  I was hurt, and I was angry--no, not angry as much as annoyed--and I was VERY disappointed.  I withdrew.  I am still withdrawn.  I wanted to blame him for not having the graciousness to pretend to be surprised (<very slight smile/grimace>), but I am trying not to blame him.  It was my own fault.

Back some time ago, I also vowed that I would not share anything about work with him.  I get annoyed with his lack of compassion.  I also got upset when he challenged my presentation of stories that "always" described me in the right.  I know that I am a powerful debater, and I also know that I become impatient with others who do not see things my way.  Pure and simple, that is pride.

(Distraction: I thought I would try to download a Bible onto my computer.  Nope.  Guess I am supposed to keep at this.)

I am struggling to reveal many things to my DH.  He, to my knowledge, does not know about one of my prescriptions for cream.  I did not tell him about the computer that *I* purchased last year, or about the Notes 444 program that I bought to keep client notes.  I am considering a separate account for my private practice.  I did not tell him when I applied to the VA (and by the way, dear God, thank You for saving me from that fiasco.)   In the back of my mind, I recognize the signs of pulling away and living an independent life.

On our trip abroad, I was so short-tempered with him that even our daughter spoke up in distress about it.  To be completely fair, I have noted both of them becoming slightly perplexed by some of his responses lately in much the same way that I do, and did, but that is NOT an excuse for my poor behavior.

I saw this same pattern of interaction between my mother and my Alzheimer's stepfather.  I have wondered.  Is it typical of marriages, even "good" Godly/Christian marriages, for the wife to have her private strengths that sometimes override the husband's imperfections?  It was true for Abigail and Nabal, or at least I see it that way.  I feel like I want to go back and listen to the recent sermon that was preached at our church about that relationship.

Okay, I know I digress.  This is not easy.  I don't like doing this.  "I was wrong."  I recall a distant past attempt to apologize and take responsibility that was handled (by the other person) so ham-handedly that it still stings and causes me to be reluctant to say those words to certain people.  But I can say them to You.  I was wrong.  I am wrong.  I am so sorry for not trusting You to protect, or not protect, me according to Your will.   This is not about my comfort, but about my development.

Last week in my Building Self Esteem Group I focused on passions and calling.  The material that I shared revealed something to me: that I am most alive at work, in children's ministry, and not so much in certain relationships that I would have thought would be affirming and empowering.  Ouch.  Even when I have a prayer time, it is not at home with DH in the house.  I am freer here, at Barnes and Noble, to write and pray.  I would not dream of sharing these posts with him!  OMG!!  Pretty sure he would not understand.

I need to wrap up soon, dear God.  I know this wasn't a good attempt, but I hope You recognize that it was an attempt.  To recognize sin and not to be judgmental about it is really a tenuous balancing act.  Even truer may be the challenge not to be defensive and rationalizing about it, when it is my own sin.

In my very imperfect way, I love You.  I want to love You more, better, and more deeply.  Help me.  In Jesus's name~~Amen.

The Stuff for Prayer

Lord, it's almost 5 p.m. and I stayed home from work today.  I really did ache, but the paradoxical thing is that I finished the stenciling in the office and feel better.  I still find my eyes bleary, but the ache in my upper back is gone.  :P

The topic for this entry has to do with my prayer requests, and in fact probably many people's prayer requests.  Dawn from MOPS just posted a request for salvation for her husband, who is meeting (maybe even still, right now) with an elder from church.  Dawn is a young Christian, though she is middle-aged, and like many young Christians, she uses super-spiritual, holy terminology.  But you know what?  That prayer request is right on the money.  Her husband, Mark, is a military veteran with problems with addiction and probably PTSD.  The clinician in me knows a lot about how to treat these problems.  Sometimes I get frustrated that people over-spiritualize the approach to these psychological problems; if the plumbing is broken, don't pray over it, call a plumber!  But I guess that having a spiritual sensitivity in the midst of these problems is good.

But that brings me to something that has niggled at my mind and heart for a while now.  The church prayer chain, and in fact most Christian prayer requests, are just too much for me.

"Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done."  In everything.  Especially in the salvation of sinners and the redemption of the people You have called.

And for that, I will ask You to soften Mark's heart and to unclog his spiritual ears, because without the preliminary work of the Holy Spirit, no one comes to You.

PS  Julie's spiritual direction for next year; Amy's wrapping up with Casa de la Esperanza; George's strengthening and stamina for work and ministry.  Amen!

Listening

John 16:1-33

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me.  Here on earth you will have many trial and sorrows.  But take heart; because I have overcome the world."

So I started to listen, and got distracted by emailing the Junior Church staff.  Typical.  Reflections on the passage?

• I can now talk directly to the Father.
• The Holy Spirit will teach me everything true.
• Jesus tells me these things so that I won't abandon my faith, so that I will remember His warning.
• There are many things that I, like the disciples, want to ask Jesus, and He invites me to ask!  He promises to speak clearly and not in puzzles or riddles or figurative speech.

Listening~not something most people do well.  I may be a little better than many, but I have a LONG way to go, especially listening to You, Lord.  I know in my head that "listening" to You means reading Your Word and meditating on it, thinking about what You are telling me--just me, no one else.  I don't have many of those aha! moments, but more often I have experienced something in the course of my life that reminds me of a Scripture or a spiritual song.

I did say that I would review some of my memory verses today, which I haven't done yet.  The next one is 1 Thessalonians 4:13, a very sad verse because it deals with death.  "Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope." 1 Thessalonians 4:13  I think of my mother, and the great-grandsons' recent recollection of Bill ("I am going to pay my bills" and "But Bill is in heaven!")  Oh may the reality of heaven make all grief bittersweet!  Of course, loving someone means missing them when we are apart, as I do my daughters.  (Speaking of which, I need to go home for a phone call from Julie.)  But knowing that they are happy and with You, and longing to be with You and with them, makes the missing-them part tolerable.

Since it is a little late, and I do want to get home for a phone call, I will end this post now but with regret.  Thanks, Lord.  I do love You more than anything.

Ephesians 6:18

...says, "Keep on praying."

18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

(In the interests of time and efficiency, I am going to pray for all of the family members on my heart here in this post.  I have separate accounts for each of them, but switching back and forth with my limited time will cost me precious minutes on this busy day.)

So, dearest Lord, where do I begin?  My daughters, my husband, and my mother are the people most immediately on my mind right now.

• Amy: the big decision yesterday involved her accepting a $10/hour, 40-54 hour per week, 6 week position at San Diego State University as an RA for a summer program for high schoolers.  To my surprise, she said no.  To her surprise, I supported her going.  My support was my attempt to be open-handed with her future and her independence.  She is, dear Lord, my homebody, and she discovered how much she yearns to be at home with her family.  I am not unhappy about this.  :)  Please provide for her in every way.  As an aside, and not to pressure You or her, please also be developing the young man whom You may choose to be her husband someday--if indeed You call her to marriage.
• Julie: no time to recover from the jet lag of returning from Morocco and making a whirlwind trip to Rome and Paris with her parents!  And now she is in Atlanta getting ready for her internship/job with Teach for America operations/communication coordinator.  Please, Lord, bless her with multiplied rest and a reconnection with You there.  Morocco was a Christian desert for fellowship; Atlanta is more likely to have some good believing churches but may also be superficial and sociopolitical in their faith.  And for her, too--the husband prayer.  :)
• George:  Healing from that cough/cold, please?  And fulfillment of his need for rest and refreshment during this Vistabreak.  I think he spent way too much money on vacation, and now we are planning to go to the Maddox wedding in June and possible mini-vacation in July.  This does not even count the home improvements, granted largely funded by family, that he is planning.  Whew!  I hear some frustration from our daughters that mimics mine.  I hope I have not influenced them negatively about him.  On the other hand, help me, please, to be patient and understanding and loving toward him even when he is opinionated and ignorantly prejudiced.  He is, at heart, a really good man, and he loves YOU and his family a real lot.
• Wanda: my mother--she will go, and has gone, way out of her way for family members, sometimes when perhaps she would be wiser to attenuate her generosity.  Now, with Terri living with her, she is struggling to adjust to having someone in her home again.  Please be her closest companion, confidante, and counselor.  Help her to deepen her relationship with You, and help me to help her to the degree that I can and You empower me to do so.  

Church is also a bit of a concern.  Please inspire my scheduling of the summer for Junior Church.  I shall move to that task for 10-15 minutes now, trusting that You will help me to pull that together.  I love YOU!!  Thanks for my very wonderful, crazy family--both biological and spiritual.

In Jesus's name~~Amen.