This post is a difficult one to write, Lord. I am trying to confront my terrible-ness without blaming anyone else for my sin. It's harder than I thought it would be. In the effort to be brutally honest, I am not pleased with myself and consequently withdraw into isolation. What is even worse, I suspect, is that I withdraw from relationships (You know which one, mostly) that are supposed to be my best and deepest connections.
So, how do I start this attempt? To recall one of the more painful recent events, I go back to DH's birthday. Through my own disorganization--and it is necessary both to say that and to emphasize that--he found the receipt for the gift that I really wanted to be a surprise for him. I was hurt, and I was angry--no, not angry as much as annoyed--and I was VERY disappointed. I withdrew. I am still withdrawn. I wanted to blame him for not having the graciousness to pretend to be surprised (<very slight smile/grimace>), but I am trying not to blame him. It was my own fault.
Back some time ago, I also vowed that I would not share anything about work with him. I get annoyed with his lack of compassion. I also got upset when he challenged my presentation of stories that "always" described me in the right. I know that I am a powerful debater, and I also know that I become impatient with others who do not see things my way. Pure and simple, that is pride.
(Distraction: I thought I would try to download a Bible onto my computer. Nope. Guess I am supposed to keep at this.)
I am struggling to reveal many things to my DH. He, to my knowledge, does not know about one of my prescriptions for cream. I did not tell him about the computer that *I* purchased last year, or about the Notes 444 program that I bought to keep client notes. I am considering a separate account for my private practice. I did not tell him when I applied to the VA (and by the way, dear God, thank You for saving me from that fiasco.) In the back of my mind, I recognize the signs of pulling away and living an independent life.
On our trip abroad, I was so short-tempered with him that even our daughter spoke up in distress about it. To be completely fair, I have noted both of them becoming slightly perplexed by some of his responses lately in much the same way that I do, and did, but that is NOT an excuse for my poor behavior.
I saw this same pattern of interaction between my mother and my Alzheimer's stepfather. I have wondered. Is it typical of marriages, even "good" Godly/Christian marriages, for the wife to have her private strengths that sometimes override the husband's imperfections? It was true for Abigail and Nabal, or at least I see it that way. I feel like I want to go back and listen to the recent sermon that was preached at our church about that relationship.
Okay, I know I digress. This is not easy. I don't like doing this. "I was wrong." I recall a distant past attempt to apologize and take responsibility that was handled (by the other person) so ham-handedly that it still stings and causes me to be reluctant to say those words to certain people. But I can say them to You. I was wrong. I am wrong. I am so sorry for not trusting You to protect, or not protect, me according to Your will. This is not about my comfort, but about my development.Last week in my Building Self Esteem Group I focused on passions and calling. The material that I shared revealed something to me: that I am most alive at work, in children's ministry, and not so much in certain relationships that I would have thought would be affirming and empowering. Ouch. Even when I have a prayer time, it is not at home with DH in the house. I am freer here, at Barnes and Noble, to write and pray. I would not dream of sharing these posts with him! OMG!! Pretty sure he would not understand.
I need to wrap up soon, dear God. I know this wasn't a good attempt, but I hope You recognize that it was an attempt. To recognize sin and not to be judgmental about it is really a tenuous balancing act. Even truer may be the challenge not to be defensive and rationalizing about it, when it is my own sin.
In my very imperfect way, I love You. I want to love You more, better, and more deeply. Help me. In Jesus's name~~Amen.
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