My "Session" with You

I am treating some time with You, Lord, as an appointment; so, when hubby asks how many "clients" I have, I add one to compensate for documentation time and my "session" with You.  You, however, are the Wonderful Counselor and I am Your client.  :)

So, what are You working on with me?  What is Your treatment plan for me?  In the last post, I talked about digging deeply into some of my nastier characteristics.  Yesterday, I was again confronted with my pulling-away from intimacy with my husband.  I no longer wish to share with him about my thoughts and feelings and experiences.  I am not entirely certain that we value many of the same things.  He wants to retire; I want to keep working and serving and ministering.  I would jump at the chance to bring Jovan, or some other youngster in need, into our home; he grimaces.  I talk about landscaping our sloped yard to be more hospitable and user-friendly; he mocks this idea.  Things around the house--toilet, kitchen switchplate to name only two--are falling apart, and he says he is going to work outside today, or picks up every book to put it back on the bookshelf in his newly-decorated office.

So, yes, I am complaining.  Not pretty or attractive, and I am not proud of it.

(PS PLEASE bring Patches, the cat, back to my mother!)

I do not feel understood by him--husband, not Patches.  :)  I won't--note the defiance in that word choice!!--tell him anything about work anymore.  When I had ranted about work, of course putting myself in the best and smartest light, he made a degrading comment about my always being right.  Sting!  I don't feel that I can share compliments that I receive.

Okay, I better stop.  I am in a public place, and my eyes are tearing up.

I am trying to get through the book Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands.  Some of it, even much of it, is challenging to me, because while it acknowledges the roles of biology and trauma and relationships with others who are sinful and imperfect, it also places responsibility for sinful reactions squarely on the "victim."  Eeee.  No real justification!  What this means for me is confusing, and I get myself caught in a Catch-22 circular argument.

(It got too deep and too threatening.  I just checked Facebook and email.)

Lord, help me, please.  I don't want a bad relationship with my husband.  It's not frankly adversarial or conflictual.  In very many ways, it is a good marriage.  You, however, are my closest friend.  Maybe that's how it is supposed to be.  He cannot understand me very well, for any number of possible, probable, and pointed reasons.  If I "need" to be understood, then I come to You.  Help me to take more risks, not willy-nilly, but wisely, with respect to sharing some parts of me.

Tears in the eyes again.  I think I will end now.  When will be our next session?  :)

Love~~in Jesus's name, Amen.