Nunc Dimitis? ... And Then Came Robyn

Prayer time, Lord, and it must be serious because I am having trouble concentrating.

I am hurt, deeply, by Tim's reaction and email regarding a class for 5th and 6th graders.  I don't know how to capture these feelings in words, which makes it hard to pray.

I was so sure he would get it.  My heart for children, that is.  That he would understand the urgency of addressing the readiness, the eagerness, the availability of these young hearts to meet the Lord in their own culture, language, learning styles, and lives.  He claims to be "developmentally aware" or aware of the specific developmental needs and issues of the 10-12 year old.  I challenge that, but silently now.  I don't want to outline my arguments, or more properly speaking, the evidence for my position, in this entry.  I need to focus on my heart, my hurt.  I am as close to ready to quit as I have been since coming to this church.

The big, huge, enormous question really is this: What are You saying, dear God?  In the preceding week, the cute interaction that I had with Jack at work around defining the Latin term "nunc dimitis" seemed like just a coincidental exercise of our mutual interest in the Scriptures.  (It came out of my sharing a Latin legal term, nunc pro tunc, "now for then.")  I am not one for making too much of coincidences.  However, this one continues to haunt me.

Nunc dimitis is "now released."  Am I now released from this ministry at this church?  It would actually be a huge relief.  My darling husband has been ready to surrender this work for a while now, and I believe he has hung on only for the sake of my conviction.  Would You humor my fledgling attempts at interpreting Your messages by confirming this in some way?  Even as I type that, I cringe, because the most definitive confirmation would be the request of the elders to have us step down.

And that would hurt.

Part of what also hurt a lot from Tim's email was the hint that we might just go ahead without the support of the church staff to have a class for these kids.  Honestly, we wondered about it.  But the overt accusation of insubordination--would that be the correct term?--is insulting.  What is even more disturbing is that we are not only not employees of the church, but we are also not members.

So what?  My thoughts are swirling.

So, to have a discussion about the merits of the proposal seems like the respectful thing to do.  What irks more than I would probably admit publicly is that NO ONE talks to us.  For years this church has used our passion for children, and even our money and our time, without stopping us to ask us about our own lives.  They have not cared how we think, feel, live, or value the next generations.  Maybe that's unfair.  Maybe I have no right to decide that they have not cared.  What I can say unequivocally is that they have not shown that they care.

And then came Robyn, and her phone call on Sunday.  :)  Just thinking about her makes me smile.  Only eighth grade and way too mature.  But still a child!  I ask, Lord, was her phone call out of the blue another one of those "coincidences"?  Were You pointing out to me, or rather were You pointing me, to the bottom-line issue: the hearts and souls of the individual children?

(Which caused me to remember that I needed to give Pam the contact information for therapy with Beth A, and then I also responded to Parlee's jazz performance invitation.)

Robyn is a dear one, Father, and her grandmother (and step-grandfather) already have a profound influence on her and her spiritual life.  I am frankly honored to be included in her circle of influential adults.  I need to ask the Holy Spirit, please, to tenderize her heart to a spiritual conversation, but I don't want to force one.  That she reached out is amazingly touching.  So, Lord, I know You want to rescue her.  She reminds me a little of coaxing Chloe, our kitten, into the house.  Enticement, patience, understanding, more patience, and some natural desire to "come home" all play into it.  Give Robyn the desire to "come home" to You, and use me to help, if I can.

Back to the original question: Am I now released?  Would You allow the confirmation to be gentle, if it is so?  As it was so sweetly done for Simeon, Lord.