Faithful: The Very Definition

  According to Merriam Webster, You, our God, are the dictionary definition of faithful:

"Steadfast in affection or allegiance; loyal; firm in adherence to promises or in observance of duty; conscientious."

The only thing that is, perhaps, not exactly correct in this definition has to do with the idea of "duty" attached to You.  I have a hard time pondering what duties You have, or even Who assigned them to You.  

But Merriam Webster may come to the rescue!  The second definition is the only one that seems to represent Your character:

"Obligatory tasks, conduct, service, or functions that arise from One's position (as in life or in a group)"

That's YOU! Because of Your position as God, Jehovah, Adonai, all those names, You are obliged to be Yourself in all the work, promises, and love that make up Who You are.

And You are faithful.  Completely, unfailingly, perfectly faithful.

And I am so very thankful for it and for You.

Faithful God

 

Faithful God, I *can* always trust the wisdom of Your ways. I must confess that I often don't understand Your ways. I don't mean to be doubtful about this 3-month leave and the silence regarding the resolution that was promised sometime during the first week of September ("within two weeks" of the hearing date of August 24). Here I am, two months out from that promised decision, and the only thing I know is that "the situation is complicated."  I am grateful that I continue to receive my full salary, that I can continue to volunteer and donate platelets and even take care of various house projects that have been neglected for months if not years.  

You have never done things in an easily understandable way, though, have You? Most of the stories that I see in Scripture, both Old and New Testaments, are filled with plot twists and unexpected developments. Something You (Jesus) said to your disciples/apostles about how many times it would take for them to believe You just came to my mind. "How long shall I put up with you?"  (Luke 9)  Indeed.  God, loving and wise God, You *always* know the end of the story and the path to that end. Sometimes the "end" may not be what I would call good, and in those times my own faith in Your faithfulness wavers. (Think Mosaic's closing, for example.)  What is the Lauren Daigle song that says "When You don't give the answers/As I cry out to You, I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You."

I *will* trust in You.  With gratitude. With confidence in Your love for me. With (not enough!) love in my heart for You.

 

Home on a Sunday

 

Abba God, You are a God of great love.  I stayed home today with our sick beagle not because I don't love You but because I do love that dog AND my DH, who had cleaned diarrhea out of the dog crate two mornings!  I am grateful for livestreamed worship services that help me to "be" there.

One heartbreaking bit of information shared at church but which I had already learned about was the fatal shooting at Worcester State University!  It could be paralyzing to decide to stay away from every place where something might happen, because something might happen ANYWHERE.  How, how do Your people live and love in freedom and peace in such a dangerous world?  I know that You are the ultimate Protector; in fact, ,it seems that You have more than one name that reflects Your protective role and nature (El Elohim, Magen, Jehovah-Nissi).  

So, I will trust in Your protection not only for me but also for my beloved ones--my daughters, their men, my DH, my extended family.  Otherwise, Abba, I might never leave this home again, and even then, there is no guaranteed safety anywhere but under Your wing.

I will go start supper!  Thank You for this chance to be home on a Sunday.

Observations

 

My Adonai, in the past few weeks (months?), I remember talking to You about seeing You in the daily experiences of life.  Today I believe I have an observation from You: I feel better when I don't listen to the news, when I focus on accomplishing concrete and specific tasks on my list, and when I indulge in some reading/listening to books, songs, and other artistic endeavors.  I also feel better when I write here in this journal/blog.  The secrets of my heart!  Not even my DH would be entrusted with them!

Speaking of my DH, he seems shaken by his deferral from blood donation for irregular bradycardia.  Abba, he takes such pride in being strong and healthy, as he measures it by the number on a scale.  (He can be somewhat judgmental about overweight people, and he tries to blame most medical problems on failures of diet.)  Please reassure him.  His life, like mine, is in Your hands.

Today is a beautiful day suited to early Fall, even though it is moving toward the end of October.  Climate change!  You are on the move, and the climate is only one of the early indicators, but there are others and they need to turn our eyes to You.  I am looking, Father.  Let me observe.

I love You.  Amen.

House Arrest

 

Not for the first time, Lord God, have I compared my administrative leave to Paul's house arrest.  

• Held in Rome
• Two year duration
• Able to live in his own home
• Unable to travel
• Constant company from a Roman guard

Two years!  It possibly could have gone longer if Paul had not decided to appeal to Caesar.  That makes me wonder whether I should or should not "appeal" since Paul's appeal resulted in his conviction and execution.

Pastor Toms's preaching about Esther yesterday was interesting in that Tom made fun of patriarchal ideology and that he also emphasized that we sometimes--maybe most times--do not foresee why God places us in certain positions, sometimes for long, boring periods.  So here I am.  (My computer is losing juice; so, I will end this post but listen to the sermon/service again.)

"Waiting here for YOU."

Friendship

 My devotional plan this week, in large part because it has weighed on my heart, is titled "Wisdom for Friendships."  Please, Abba Father, bless the card I plan (but ONLY if You permit!) to send to Ohio.  

How awful it would be for me if You did not carry the weight of our friendship!  I am not a great friend.  I watch my daughters, who spend money and time and effort to maintain their friendships.  Help me, please, to learn and practice better friendship skills.

I admit to being preoccupied with the political landscape.  It is this very landscape, and the divergent views of it, that has wreaked havoc on relationships in many places.  Seal my lips, Lord, and deliver me from the belief that my "superior" logic and reasoning can convince anyone to change their position.

Here goes....

A Sign of Commitment

 I have been watching a show set in Regency England (the decade of 1811-1820).  It struck me that the sign of commitment to a relationship was correspondence.  Of course.  There were no telephones, no emails, no texts to communicate with loved ones, and the written word carried the message of the heart.  Moreover, it was documentation that was savable and cherished.  

Abba, we speak of Scripture being Your love letter to us for the same reasons.  It remains forever, You say in Isaiah 40.  Some of Your beloveds cherish the actual book, almost idolizing it.  I see how cherished Your words are for us whose souls are bereft of Your presence.

So, I was challenged to take this little bit of solitude to write back to You as a sign of my commitment.  I also want to demonstrate my actual prayer and not just the often-empty and vague promise to pray about situations and people.  If I recall what I used to do many years ago, with long lists of "prayer requests," I smile at my youthful and zealous naivete and I also regret the emphasis on prayer as intercession and requests.  It is so much more.  

Thanks to Your sacrificial love, I can end this entry with this closing:

Eternally Yours,

Me

Failed Already

 Argh, Lord, I get so provoked by illogical conclusions.  I am especially provoked when my DH engages in them, mainly because I want to believe he is smarter than that.  Maybe that is my own fault.  I can overlook the failure of logic in people whom I know to have some limitations.  I wish my DH did not fall into that category, but perhaps he does.

So, I failed again.  I listen to Scripture and to young adult fiction (currently "Eldest"), and I see and hear examples of stubborn, irrational characters.  I observe current events and the political positioning of politicians courtesy of frank lies, which are generously named "misinformation."  But when DH reaches a conclusion based on faulty reasoning and incomplete information, let alone a critical thinking process, it makes me nuts.  When I am nuts, my mouth operates almost independently of my mind and my will.  Ugh.

So much to pray about, God.  The world really doesn't go well these days.  I would like to spend some time reflecting--maybe a more accurate description would be preparing by reflecting--on how others of Your people lived through oppression, wars, and evil.  Knowing that reason and logic will not convince some, even many, people might be a first step.  False accusations are also common during such times.  Standing firm and peaceful, confident that I am listening to and following You, is what I want and ask for myself.  Would You grant me that?  It would go a long way to strengthening me for these frightening times ahead,

Love You, God.  Deaf though I am in my physical and spiritual hearing, I want to hear Your voice and see what You are doing.  May You grant that to me!  Amen.

Learning to Listen

Father Abba, over the past few devotional times I have had, I have picked up (a little) on the notion of discernment and listening.  Quiet--solitude--watching and SEEING and listening attentively--reflecting on all those inputs to see if the puzzle pieces fit together into a picture of what You are doing in me and maybe in the world, too.  There are lots of distractions; some of them might have small, oddly-shaped he pieces of the puzzle.  Wars, natural disasters, internal and relational stressors, and in all of it, uncertainty that provokes anxiety.  EXCEPT there are no unknowns for You!  If I hold onto that single certain truth, I can chase away the anxiety.  I still feel some urgency about not only my own loved ones (think Tue and his faith) but also the innocents of the world (think refugees, victims of war and violence, and even victims of lies and gaslighting).  

I have a client in 30 minutes.  May I listen carefully and attentively to her as well.  

I love You, Lord.  And I lift my voice, my hands, and my heart to worship You.  May I serve You well, not just like Martha (although there is great satisfaction in accomplishment and order) but also like Mary.  Amen!

Verge of Tears

Abba, I am on the verge of tears today.  Whenever I stop to think, to allow myself to think for any length of time, the tears well up.  Much of my angst today and yesterday has come from my DH, with whom I have been disappointed for some time.  If I let my mind go, I can go back over 15 years and find examples of his disregard for me.  There is also the issue of his disrespect for issues and matters of importance to me.  Some of these issues involve racist, sexist, and judgmental attitudes toward people who are disadvantaged or different.  Yet, he serves often and willingly with the refugee ministry, and he serves often and willingly in task-oriented opportunities at church.  Such mind-bending contradictions!  He has provided so well for me and for our daughters.  On the other hand, he is so (annoyingly!) focused on every retirement-advising podcast or publication that he can find that he misses the big picture of what is going on in the world and how it reflects what You are doing in the world.  His interpretations of events and philosophies and political positions enrage me!  How can he be so ill-informed, so bad at critical thinking and evaluation?  Not that a whole lot of people in the US don't embrace those same interpretations...and not that their short-sightedness doesn't similarly enrage me....

I need to move along.  I do love You a lot, and I do acknowledge with a contrite heart that my rage is not pleasing to You.  I have not been very successful (yet, anyway) at stifling my emotional response.  I could use Your help with that.  Of course, and I don't want to use this as an excuse, You also responded angrily at quite a few points in the history of Your people when they were stupid, rebellious, defiant, and disrespectful to You.  Show me when and how, please, to release the anger.  In all things may I reflect You, Your love, Your character.  

Maranatha!  Come, Lord Jesus, and soon!

Long Obedience

 Abba, there are two things on my heart and mind this morning as I take advantage of this time when DH is away (ministering! a good thing). To start, I will just list them:

1. 
   The "long obedience" theme. I am trying to remember whether I have already read this book, but even if I did, it may be a good time to re-read it. The long waiting is paradoxically becoming harder--and easier.
2. The annoyance I feel almost constantly with DH. Just now, in my YouVersion devotional, the distinction between hearing and listening was outlined, and it made me laugh and it made me copy a quote. If I feel any one thing about DH, it is that he is NOT listening to me *if* he is hearing me. And I am the one with a hearing impairment! I will address this issue more deeply with You in another post soon. I am disappointed in myself for my irritation, and I am also discouraged and dispirited by the weakening of our relationship. I feel that his faith is superficial and that I cannot share my thoughts and feelings with him so that he won't undermine and attack them. But who am I to judge his faith? I am the one sitting here at home under indictment for poor behavior at work (unjustly, I believe, but still).

"If we define the nature of our lives by the mistake of the moment or the defeat of the hour or the boredom of the day, we will define it wrongly."  (Peterson, Long Obedience,)

Abba, I see a theme emerging. I need to *listen* and look at circumstances with discerning eyes to peer into the deeper, hidden-in-code meaning of those circumstances. And I need to remain obedient. Persevering over the long haul, no matter how long it seems or actually is. Eternity is at stake and eternity is in Your hand, as are the affairs of men and women and the whole world.

Thanks for this time. I will be back! 

The Unexpected

 "Not what I expected."  That may be the theme for this season of my life.  

Abba, this period of waiting continues to be hard.  Perhaps doing a bit of study on Paul's house arrest might encourage me (although I believe it ended in his execution under Nero!).  He was allowed to live at home, as I am, and he continued to preach and teach (well, I am teaching PreK-K) while guarded and restricted.  I thank You that the financial aspect of my "house arrest" is not uncertain.  

In the meantime, please show me how to best use this chapter for Your glory.  There remains a lot of work to do for the Kingdom, and I still have a few miles left in me.

1) Tue's relationship with You.  I recently listened to an interview with Russell Moore, editor at Christianity Today, who believes that "We've lost our credibility to the outside world" due to the influence of Trump and many right-wing conservative evangelicals.  I am concerned that Tue has been affected by this loss of credibility, assigning it to Jesus and not to the cult-following people who idolize Trump.  Help, Abba!  Help, Spirit!

2) Chris's immigration status/permanent legal residency.  I would love a wedding and a marriage!

3) The daughters.  Always.

4) The husband.  I don't understand him, and I continue to fear for him.

On to some tasks.  With all my love!

The Spirit and My Life

I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life

who proceeds from the Father [and the Son],

who with the Father and the Son is adored and glorified,

who has spoken through the prophets.  (from the Nicene Creed)  

What prayer is the Holy Spirit expressing in your soul?  As I read the Life in the Spirit individual retreat prompts (from LTI), I personalized the first-person plural pronouns to first-person singular--that is, I made the readings about ME.  

• *I* am God's child.
• *I* cry, "Abba, Father!"
• The Spirit helps *me* in my weakness.  *I* do not know what I ought to pray for (oh, yeah), but the Spirit himself intercedes for *me* through wordless groans.  And he who searches *my* heart knows the mind of the Spirit.

What prayer do you offer in response?  I surrender.  Not my will, but Yours be done.

Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love,

for I have put my trust in You.

Show me the way I should go,

for to You I entrust my life.

Rescue me from my enemies, Lord,

for I hide myself in You.

Teach me to do Your will,

for You are my God;

may Your good Spirit

lead me on level ground.

(Psalm 143:8-10)

The best definition I have discovered for  agape is “unconquerable benevolence.” It means that no matter what people may do to us by way of insult, injury, or humiliation, we will never seek anything but their highest good. (Steve Macchia)  This is a really piercing reminder for me during this desert experience of the administrative leave-without-end.

My Current Need

 "You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good."  Joseph to his brothers

I have too little time without DH at home to write more, Abba, but I will, probably tomorrow.  Much on which to reflect, including conversations with Tue about 1 Peter, anxiety, "casting cares" on You, and his recognition of a song ("Come to the Altar")

Soon!

Soul Cleansing

 

"Do I want to know God's will more than anything else?" (Rueben Job, from Spiritual Discernment Soul Care Retreat)

Abba God, my heart is slow today to engage in some of these deep reflections.  My eyes want to close; earlier, as I listened again to "Savior, Like a Shepherd Lead Us" and read again Pastor Job's question above, I cried.  I think I do.  Sometimes, though, Your will is not the easy path.  (Ask Jesus.) Sometimes it requires not just the death of the body, but the death of hopes, aspirations, plans and anticipations.  Sometimes, even, it may mean the death of a reputation.

Ah.  But I count it ALL as loss.  Philippians 3:8-10--and now I am crying again.  I will copy this passage in another entry, soon, but now I will quit.  I am overwhelmed and overcome with sadness.  But my soul is being cleansed by my tears, and there will come a day when there won't be tears any more.

I love You, God, and yes, I do want to know Your will more than anything else.

An Iranian Woman

 I am on the verge of tears, Abba God, recalling how Nona came over to chat with me yesterday during my platelet donation appointment.  Now no longer on the verge, I am crying.  I have no idea whether Cindy had told Nona my story or whether this kind visit with her was orchestrated by You, but in either case it touched my heart.  (It also touched my heart and amused me when Cindy responded with an expletive when I described the situation to her.) I wait; I ask You for discernment; I try to use this time, without the stress of no income, in a productive way.  Thank You for Nona's sweet interaction with me yesterday.  I felt comforted that those who know me pretty well don't believe the awful allegations of wrongdoing lodged against me.

In the meantime, I look for direction from You.  What next?  Or, in the words of Julie's former principal, "So what? Now what?"

Love you!

Discernment and Leading: Holy Spirit

So many thoughts, not really competing with each other but rather acting like puzzle pieces to a whole picture of discerning Your will, seeing Your leading to and pointing out Your specific path forward, and then--then!--choosing to walk that path.  Seems to me like these things are components for the process, that one without the others would be incomplete obedience.  How, Holy Father Abba, can I personally do what You are asking me to do?  This request assumes that I know what You are asking me to do, and I can see how my current devotional on prayer fits into this request.

I looked for verses in Your word to capture my heart this morning as I seek discernment.  These verses from Acts made water fall from my eyes:

*Then the Spirit said [to Philip].... Acts 8:29

*[While Peter was reflecting on the vision,] the Spirit said to him.... Acts 10:19

*[While they were ministering to the Lord and fasting,] the Holy Spirit said.... Acts 13:2

There are a few other verses in Acts that indicate Your Spirit's active direction in the lives of the apostles.  The three that I chose have this in common: the Spirit SAID.  Say, Lord, what I need to hear from You.  My ears, both spiritual and physical, are impaired but with Your "hearing aids" I will receive these communications from You clearly, loudly, and without distortion.  In Jesus's name~Amen.

Spiritual Discernment

 

What am I seeking in this soul-care time of prayer, reflection, and discernment? (from the LTI Retreat Guide) (one sentence only!)

Lord God, Adonai, Abba, I seek to know the path of Your choosing for my life in this fork in the road of my life.

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The women.  That is what jumped out at me at my first reading of Luke 24:13-35.  "...our women amazed us."  It doesn't surprise me very much that women are and were amazing, or that "Him they did not see."  Perhaps it is a gender-based quality, that famous or infamous "women's intuition," that allows many women to see Jesus and to grasp spiritual realities before the men do.  But the men finally get it.  "Then their eyes were opened and they recognized Him."  

Confession: I grow impatient with DH because he is slower to "get it" much of the time although it is without question that his heart is good and open.  Forgive me, Jesus.  I know in the Gospels that You sometimes grew impatient with Your apostles and disciples for not "getting it" even though they walked with You, saw first-hand the things that You had done, felt in Your presence Who You are in Your nature.  What would have happened if You had written them off?  What would have happened if You had written *me* off when I was slow to "get it"?  Increase my patience and my faith!

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Crossroad.  Exactly.  I have been standing, even sort of making a sitting area, at this juncture in the path while awaiting--what?  A Divine Pointer Finger?  Yes, maybe that.  While I am at this crossroad, Holy God, let me look around attentively, examining this place and seeing the details of the area and looking down each path to catch a glimpse of You.  Which path -- from which path -- are You beckoning?

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"Redemptive meaning was given to pain." Flora S. Wuellner.  May this be true in this experience, my Lord Adonai, dearest Abba.  Show me the redemptive meaning in this painful experience.  Redeem me, and then help me to share the meaning humbly and clearly where I need to share it.  Amen.

Time Gets On

Lord, I am coming up to six weeks on leave.  I cannot say that it has not been refreshing in some ways, productive in some other ways, and painful in more than a few ways.  It has taught me several things; the most important thing, I believe, is that I may have ignored or otherwise passed over a sense that it is time for me to move into retirement.

I confess, Lord, to an unholy pride that somehow the hospital could not get along without me.  Well, they are.  I am not nearly as indispensable as I once thought.  Being at home and getting a LOT of things done has been relaxing, too.  I am not sure that my DH has enjoyed my being at home, though, in some ways because I think he had been getting into his own retirement routine.  I am sure that my Bailey Beagle has loved it.  He has been a companion who makes me feel quite loved (not that DH has failed at that!).

My next step appears to be researching retirement for myself and specifically the Group 2 designation. This week is a busy week with various appointments: root canal follow-up, platelet donation, haircut and color, taking my mother to a medical appointment, and just doing the next "one" thing around the house.  See? This time "off" has not exactly been idle time.

Lord God, You know that I am devoted to serving You.  I see the ways in which this trial has overtones of having me join in the fellowship of Jesus's sufferings.  He, too, was falsely accused, considered a criminal, unjustly punished even unto death.  Although it isn't too likely that this trial will kill me, it may be the death of my career.  

You just sent a hummingbird.  

Not my will but Yours be done.  Amen.

Blankness

Still waiting.

I wonder how many times the Israelites said or thought that.  During the exiles, while awaiting the promised and foretold Messiah, even while their loved ones were away--without instant messaging or texting or GPS tracking, or the other accommodations to the anxiety of not knowing.  

I do not know.  Will the decision be favorable or disciplinary?  I am not even sure I want to return after many weeks of being on this (thankfully paid) leave.  Maybe I needed the kick to practice being retired.  It's not so bad.  I have made a lot of progress on various projects that lingered and languished.  Think "basement closet."  (There is still more to do there.) My current challenge is prioritization; what is the best thing to do first?

Father God, I trust You and I will trust You.  Your ways are NOT my ways, nor are Your thoughts my thoughts.  Lead me in the path You have charted for me, and help me to follow You without engaging my intellectual rationalizations.  You don't always make "sense" as the world sees sense, but You always do what is right and good.  For the sake of Your kingdom, and may it come soon! Amen.