Anxious!

So, Lord, when You tell us to "be anxious for nothing, but in everything let your request be made known to God," how do we obey that when our--my--nature is to be anxious?  I'm taking a deep breath and doing my best to "let my request be made known to [You]."  This is my request:  Please, by Your great grace, help Amy to release her anxiety as well.  ???  I also wouldn't mind at all adding this request: Would You provide for her needs for income, a job, a mission, by allowing her to work for Gordon for a time?  This job as admissions counselor seems tailor-made for her, at least to us.  However, we acknowledge and admit that You know far better than any of us do what is best not only for Amy but also ultimately for Your kingdom.

So here is a third request: Could we hear fairly soon?  The wait is hard.  She's supposed to hear today, and here it is, already 2:15 p.m.

It's all about You, dearest Lord God.  Amy's heart is toward You, I am quite sure.  Please bless her, calm her, and love on her during this time of waiting.  No matter what happens, whether she works at Gordon or volunteers at Esperanza, she will be serving You.  Thank You for that!

"Not my will, but Yours be done."  Amen.

Praying Without Ceasing

1 Thessalonians 5:17 says, "pray without ceasing."  I am so blessed, dear heavenly Father, that Amy frequently asks me to pray for her, and today is one example of many.  She has her interview in just under an hour.  Please bless her in whatever way Your will dictates.  Allow her to see Your hand in her life, leading her, using her, and providing for her.  Honor, please, her desire to serve You, whether at Esperanza or at Gordon.  I have to run now, but I know that I do not have to use many words to be heard by You.  In Jesus's name and for His sake (and for Amy's sake, too, yes?)~ Amen.

Amy's Opportunity

Lord, what are You up to in Amy's life?  :)  Thank You for the chance that she has to interview for the Admissions Counselor job at Gordon.  Thank You even more that someone pursued her for it.  What a compliment!  And maybe what a provision for her (and for us, her parents, who would have been supporting her this next year)!  If this is Your will, calm any anxieties she may have and let her light shine.  You lead the way, dear Lord.  I'm pretty sure she will follow.  In Jesus's name and for the sake of Your work in her life and in the world~Amen!

Taking Time

SOOOO much to do, Lord, before we have the Cochrells--new pastor at HBC--for dinner tonight!  But SOOOO foolish to try to do it without asking for Your blessing on tonight's meeting.  Please be glorified in our conversation.  Don't let me (especially) say anything negative or unkind.  Please direct our questions, our responses, and their questions and responses to build Your kingdom's work at HBC and in the world.  For Jesus's sake~Amen. 

Greetings!

Greetings, dear God!  Today's daily reading from Your word comes from Romans 16, where Paul shares about a dozen greetings.  (I didn't count, but I am estimating.  :)  ) 

"to address with expressions of goodwill, respect, etc.; greet.

 

to express respect or praise for; honor; commend"

I'm not sure what my agenda today includes (who does, really?) but I hope to "greet" at least one or two of my friends in an unusual way today.  Would You help me with that?

But on to different things, Lord...It has been a little while since I have sat down to spend some time with You.  My bad.  It isn't that I haven't been in constant prayer communication with You, and that is good.  Sometimes I feel that trying to "study" every day from Your word confuses the message.  I need time to ponder, meditate, absorb the content.  I really love to reflect on what You say over the course of a day or two or sometimes three, and then to figure out how to act upon it.

Well, enough excuses.  :)  I just cruised over to see whether Beth Moore has any online Bible studies that could help me get into studying the Word on a regular basis.  Boy, is my life topsy-turvy right now.  The daughters will be coming home next Sunday, and then Julie will have only 10 days at home before returning to college.  Amy will have about a month before going to Esperanza.  Interspersed with these joyful challenges is Bill's ongoing chemotherapy and the family support that it demands.  Whew!  Of course, that is in the arena of family.  I didn't even touch on the Christian Education ministry at HBC!  Yes, I am tired, but fulfilled.  I am (usually) operating out of my comfort zone.  Sometimes I wish for a week off to address all the small and large details of organizing my home and my life...maybe that will come with the surgery in October?

God, the book Crazy Love is challenging me.  In a good way.  This chapter (only chapter 2; I'm slow) highlights our selfish focus on ourselves rather than the appropriate focus on You, since all of history and all of life is all about YOU.  I really am amazingly blessed that my husband and my daughters get this.  In fact, just Wednesday Julie chose to spend her day off from camp with her grandmother and grandfather at chemo.  I tended (and may still tend?) to worry a little more about her spiritual health since she attends a non-overtly-Christian college, but I forget myself that You are not limited.  She's pretty good!  So I will keep surrendering her and her spiritual growth and feeding to You.  You are doing a great job!  ;)

I have only 10 minutes left here, and I would like to capture Bill's story in the other blog.  For now, Lord, good-bye!  I love You with all my heart, all my soul, and all my strength!

"Hi, Dad"

As I was trying to think of a title for this entry. dear Father, the "Hi, Dad!" one grabbed my heart and made me (combination) roll my eyes and close my eyes.  It fits.  Beautifully.  :)

It feels warm and welcoming, like coming home.  I imagine flopping down on the couch and just starting an aimless conversation with You.  I know that we would get to some deep stuff, eventually or maybe even pretty quickly.  I wonder what it would be like to sit there, next to You, with Your arm around my shoulder and maybe my head on Your chest, listening to Your heart.  <deep sigh>

Well:

• Bill, of course, and healing/relief with the cancer and the Alzheimers
• Wanda--also of course!--and her strengthening and stamina.
• Our daughters and protection during the coming storms which have prompted a tornado watch in Berkshire County.
• Joey P and his salvation~and his success at school~and his eventual career choice.

Father, I am going to go sit on the couch now.  :)

Jordan, My Helper

Again, dear Father, I want to commit to praying in actuality when I promise someone I will.  Today, during Bill's chemo treatment, Nicole Patricks asked me to pray for Jordan, her oldest daughter and one of my most beloved helpers in Junior Church.

Father, Jordan has a tremendous heart for You and some cognitive limitations in her brain.  She is so sweet, Lord.  Sometimes, though, she may not keep up with kids of average to above-average intelligence.  So it seems to be at Pineshore Bible Camp in Westminster this week.

At least I think she's at Pineshore.  :)

No matter where she is, her momma reports that Jordan may be struggling not so much with homesickness as with social relationships with her peers.  Please, dear Father, You know Jordan's special and specific needs.  You know that she loves You.  (Remember the story Nicole related about Jordan's sticking up for You when she was in second grade?  She punched a disrespectful boy in the stomach.  Later, when Nicole asked what he said, she replied, "Ungh!"  LOL!!)  She is not quick-witted or sassy or socially comfortable.  Please allow someone strong and sensitive to be led by Your Holy Spirit to see Jordan's awkwardness and to be gentle and welcoming to her.  May a dear one from Your family include Jordan in an understanding and loving way in the banter and fun and especially in the spiritual conversations among the girls, but in a way that doesn't go over Jordan's head.  In Jesus's name~Amen.

Connie's Death



Connie

 Father God, I promised Donna that I would be "praying without ceasing" in response to her request for prayer for Uncle Tom.  I have been trying NOT to promise to pray unless I actually write my commitment down somewhere and then follow up on it in a way that I can confirm.  Hence, this entry.

It's sad to me, Father, that Uncle Tom and Connie probably did not respond favorably to the Good News.  It may be too late for Connie.  It's not too late for Uncle Tom.  So, Father, may I beg You to knock harder on his heart's door?  (Revelation 3:20 "Here I am!  I stand at the door and knock.")  He is very hardened, possibly--probably--in some measure due to his first wife's (may I say it?) "crazy" Christianity.  Tom is an intelligent man.  He doesn't do the emotional thing.  And yet...there is reason, emotion, and relationship in Your message, Your offer.  Please allow the Christians in his family to demonstrate to him Your invitation, Your really-not-crazy love.  Even as I type that, though, I recall the title of Francis Chan's book Crazy Love.  Maybe Your love is crazy.  But it's still real and powerful and important and necessary.

Poor Connie, though, to have lost her mind to Alzheimer's.  She was a very sweet lady, in a spicy kind of way.  :)  Uncle Tom wouldn't have been attracted to someone less feisty, I think.  Mercy, Father!  I know that I really don't know the condition of Connie's heart.  I wish that at the moment of death, or the moment immediately after, You might give each person one final chance to surrender to Your amazing offer of forgiveness and eternal life.  There's nothing in Scripture to tell us that, of course.  Still, there is nothing in Scripture written by anyone who has been at that moment immediately following death, either.  I wish....

Father, death is horrible.  You know that.  That's why You decided to provide a way to beat it.  May we take that provision seriously not only for ourselves but also for those in our worlds who don't understand it yet.  Give us--the Christians in the Nicols family--the chance to show if not to speak to Uncle Tom about it.  In Jesus's name and for His inroads into Uncle Tom's heart~Amen!

Theme from Thoughts

• Our daughters reported that the Christian camp at which they work has experienced some racism among the parents of some campers
• Our oldest daughter's volunteer trip to Tijuana, Mexico, garnered some response from the Mexican consulate this week.
• One of the songs on my Kindle reminded me of the section from Philippians (I think) that talks about Your having "left Your mighty throne in glory" to come to earth for us.

The common theme?  I won't have time to fully explore it tonight, but I see the idea of a parent--the Heavenly Father, the campers' parents, and me--sending or allowing their beloved child to go into a place of possible danger.  In at least two of the examples, the purpose for the journey into potential peril is the rescue of beloved people.  Lord, I embrace this theme for the sake of the Gospel and of the advancement of Your kingdom.  When I become anxious about Amy's time in Tijuana, remind me of this.  Bless her, bless her efforts to pull all this together, and bless her ministry there.  She's doing this for You!  And so am I.  :)  Thank You for this insight.  It helps.

A Quote about Prayer

Frederick Buechner: “Everybody prays whether [you think] of it as praying or not. The odd silence you fall into when something very beautiful is happening or something very good or very bad. The ah-h-h-h! that sometimes floats up out of you as out of a Fourth of July crowd when the sky-rocket bursts over the water. The stammer of pain at somebody else's pain. The stammer of joy at somebody else's joy. Whatever words or sounds you use for sighing with over your own life. These are all prayers in their way. These are all spoken not just to yourself but to something even more familiar than yourself and even more strange than the world.”

 

Father, I don't know a thing about Frederick Buechner other than that he was a Presbyterian minister.  I do like everything about this quote except the end.  "...but to something..." really should be "...but to Someone...."  To YOU.  Amen!

A Few Important Things

1. Father, Christine P. just emailed that she is experiencing some bleeding in her 12th week of pregnancy.  :(   According to her doctor, the baby is still strong and active.  That's good!  Please protect this baby's life and help Christine to be wise in her activity to minimize any risks that her behaviors could affect.
2. Big day for Bill--and Wanda--tomorrow!  Grant them favor in Your eyes, and please have mercy on them by allowing Bill to experience the fewest possible side effects from the chemo.
3. My girls are tired, dear Lord, but they sacrificed so much to be with the Nicols family this weekend.  Would you give them supernatural strength and energy this week along with unusually effective rest?  They are serving You, not that You owe them anything, but You do tend to empower those who are working hard for Your Kingdom.  ???

I need to get ready for bed really soon.  Love You!

Whew

Father...my head is spinning.  Not with pain or ache, but with "stuff."  To think about all the things that are going on, to try to talk to You about them in a meaningful, prayerful way, ah!  That is the challenge!!

Bill: moving forward!  Today I talked with my supervisor and with my human resources coordinator about using the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) to use some time for Bill and Mom.  I'm not sure whether Jackie (my department head) will be as accepting and supportive as the others were, but I am asking You to soften her heart and make her a bit more flexible than she usually is.  I'd like to try the four 10-hour day thing, but I will accept whatever You arrange.  There is an attractiveness about the 4-day work week that I should not deny to You :) since You know everything anyway.  You're the Boss, Lord.  Would you work this out to Your glory and to help Bill and Mom?

My Girls:  I put that in capitals :) because it reminds me of the Temptations' song "My Girl."

I guess you'd say/What can make me feel this way/My girls, my girls, my girls...

I am so thankful for them!  I do not want to make idols of them; I realize that's a risk for some parents, and especially some mothers.  I do want to love and encourage and pray for their blessing.  Father, may I ask that You build Your life into them.  For Amy, I ask that You guide her path to Mexico and beyond to graduate school.  Particularly--I am a mother, after all--I plead with you to keep her safe in that violent city of Tijuana.  For Julie, I ask with gratitude already for fellowship for her.  Thank You for her "job" or perhaps more properly her "ministry" at Lakeside.  Please keep her in Your word and in Your Spirit this summer, enough to carry her through in college where fellowship is much harder to find.

It's almost 10 pm. If I am going to get used to a 10-hour day, I need to have discipline about getting to bed early.

Oh, yes...My husband.  He's not home yet, and I could hear the exhaustion when he called 45 minutes ago.  Please fill him with energy and stamina and alertness to get home safely tonight to me.  Amen!

Organizing My Prayers

Hi, Father.  I'm not sure how much time I have left on the Worcester Public Library computer.  Help me, please, to organize my thoughts and my prayers.  I have a fair number of things I would love to discuss with You!

(Just checked--27 minutes left.  I spent some time in Wordpress.com on Bill's and Wanda's Journey.)

Random order--no particular significance:

1. Work: I meant what I said to Moin (Muttakin, MD).  I am grateful that I still have, and will have, a job.  The proposed hours are horrible, though.  Father, I trust You to choose and arrange the right schedule for me and George.  I would like to continue with my private client ministry and with MOPS, which is going to an evening meeting time.  What do You want for me?
2. Church: How do I say this?  Is it all right that George and I are glad to see the current assistant/associate pastor leaving in a month?  We have not yet met the new pastor, who is remarkably young (32!) compared to us.  :)  Please, please bless him and the church and the new relationship between them that will be forming.  Let it get established on a great foundation; let everyone get off on the right foot.  And, particularly, please let him be sensitive to children's ministry.  He has three preschool boys of his own; that's a good indicator, I hope.  Which leads me to...
3. ...Junior Church: Ah, yes, the times, they are a-changin'!  We've got the month of July coming up when we will be having a large-group assembly followed by a split period for preschoolers and elementary schoolers.  I chose Group Publishing's Kids' Own Worship curriculum mostly because a) it says it spans Preschool through Grade 6 and b) I had to make a decision in a hurry.  Father, these are Your babies.  Bless this ministry for the summer for the children, their parents, the teachers and helpers, and the entire Body of Christ, please?
4. Bill: Of course.  And Mom, of course.  Cancer--treatment--anxiety--energy and endurance--for them both.
5. My daughters: They are serving You at Lakeside, Father.  Keep them close to You (and to each other, too, perhaps).  I am particularly desirous of fellowship for Julie, who does not get as much spiritual support at college as Amy did (I think).  Encourage and energize them both.  Amy has a lot of responsibility on her young shoulders.  I think this is fantastic experience for her, especially in preparation for her (currently) chosen professional path.  And we'll see them this weekend!!! (Lord willing, of course.  :)  )
6. Mary Ann: Where did that come from?  We're not sure where she is with regard to her relationship with You, Father.  Any opportunities You bring we'll take.  My prayer is that You bring opportunities and overcome the opposition of the enemy.  It's been a long time since we have had a good, deep, spiritual conversation with her.

I think that may be enough for tonight.  I need to get to the grocery store and get some ingredients for supper quiches.  I still like doing this; it's like a date, it's documented, and it forces me to get serious and down to business because my time on the library computer is limited.  So~thanks.  For it all.  "Everything I have for Your Kingdom's cause."  In Jesus's name~Amen.

(11 minutes left.  LOL)

A Random Prayer for an Acquaintance

Father, I have grown slightly dependent on writing prayers.  :)  I hope that's okay with You.  It's easier to remember that I did pray when I said I would.  It also helps me to crystallize my prayer requests.

So...the sister of one of my patients is in a difficult situation with her daughter and her 11-month-old grandson.  They are all living together in Grandma's home, and it is not very comfortable.  Please help all of them to get along together, to be respectful and considerate of each other, and to be patient.  Please help daughter to find an appropriate, safe, affordable place for herself and her baby VERY soon.  Until then, support them, please?  In Jesus's name~and, by the way, if You would open up an opportunity to share the Gospel with sister/mother/grandmother, I'll take it~Amen!

Prayer Follow-up for Julie

Lord, I have less than 15 minutes here, but I wanted to follow up with another prayer for my daughter Julie (and Amy, too, of course, but she doesn't need it as much--I think).  Please reduce her feeling of being overwhelmed in some, or even many, ways.  Please also help her to manage not only her difficult camper wisely but also her reaction to her difficult camper.  Please encourage her in an obvious way today!  She's serving You, and so it is not only for her sake but for Your sake that I pray this in Jesus's name.

Encouraging Julie

Dear Heavenly Father, I think it significant and symbolic that Julie's (and Amy's) father on earth felt a pull toward them yesterday.  (If You're willing, we'll visit them next Saturday at camp.)  Last night, Amy--who carries her cell phone whereas Julie is not allowed--texted me that "[Julie]'s got a lot on her plate this week."  A little later, after a request for clarification, she sent this: "I think she's just overwhelmed.  She's got one really difficult camper and she's a team leader for the week."

The request?  Just pray for her and for her energy.  So, here I am, Father, asking You to infuse Julie with necessary additional energy from You.  We know that Julie is not, by nature, an "energetic" person.  She's is more calm, more laid back, more go-with-the-flow.  Holy Spirit, move in and through Julie's life this week in supernatural ways to fill her with joy, patience (that difficult camper), and stamina.  I pray additionally that this would happen in such a way that she comes by these things surprisingly!  At the end of this week (and maybe this summer), could she look back on it with curiosity and wonder where all of this "unnatural" (to her) energy, patience, and joy came from--and then have her eyes opened to You standing there grinning?

Help her out, Lord.  You and I know that she loves You and wants to serve You.  "Sociology," right?  Difficult people are unfortunately a part of society and, more unfortunately, of Your family.  Touch her now (8:06 a.m.--she's probably awake) and encourage her.  In Jesus's name, because this is all for His sake~Amen.

Stumbling Forward

Lord, I will need extra patience and understanding with Mom during this cancer/Alzheimer's journey of Bill's.  I already know--everyone who knows Mom knows--that she tends to express her anxiety in irritability.  "Has anyone considered the interaction of Bill's Alzheimer's [diagnosis] and his cancer?"  That was her question this morning (by the way, at 8:50 a.m. and as I was getting ready for a 10:00 a.m. client).  In reality, that was NOT her question.  She is angry at Randy, Bill's son, because...well, I am not really sure what her reason is.  Randy does not know how far Bill's dementia has advanced, especially since the original suspicion to explain Bill's loss of appetite involved a known side effect of the Aricept.

I think I will be journaling elsewhere about Bill's journey (Wordpress, probably).  For now, since this is my prayer blog, I will focus on praying.  Dear Holy Spirit, do what You do.  I will cooperate.  Direct me as a puppet or a marionette in Your hands.  Yet again I ask for mercy for Bill and, yes, for Mom, too.  This is her journey as well.  Show me how to be Your servant as I serve them.  Lead me in ways that You have already marked and prepare; for example, what do You think of my asking for one day a week to be with them?  Or having a cleaning service one day every two weeks to allow me to be with them more?  Thank You, by the way, for an awesome husband who understands this period in the life of my family.  He has been remarkably supportive for a guy who hates medical illnesses.  :)

I am on limited time here, dear Father, but never on limited time for prayer.  May Your will be done, as always.  In the healing name of Jesus~Amen.

Mom's Spiritual Growth

In the middle of my posting about the Ephesians puzzle at Mom's house, I receive a phone call from her.  To keep this entry short--hubby should be home in 15 minutes or less--she asked me about Amy's favorite verse.  Incredibly, she remembered or had just looked up somewhere that it comes from 1 Peter, but she couldn't recall the exact chapter and verse.  She asked me what it was and said that she *could* look it up, but if I would...

It's 1 Peter 5:7~

Cast all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you.

She responded, "That's beautiful."  It is.  Even more beautiful is the comfort she is receiving from the Lord and His word.

Thank You, Father.

PS  We're still praying for Bill.  We need to add a request for his mind.  Please be gracious and allow him to regain some of his old mental functioning, enough for him to get through these next 2 very stressful months.  Please?  For the sake of the work of Jesus in his life~~Amen.

Gratitude

Lord God of great mercy, I have only 14 minutes to enter this note of gratitude.  THANK YOU.  You once again showed Yourself to be the God of mercy by allowing -- is that correct? -- Bill's cancer to be localized, to have been contained only to his esophagus. not to have metastasized.  Mom was "overwhelmed" and wasn't as obviously grateful as I thought she might have been, but as she said, she has to live with him, and with the Alzheimer's disease, every day.  Still...

Yes, Heavenly Father, I am grateful.  It may still be a wild two months.  Bill will need a feeding tube and he will be receiving radiation every weekday for about 5 weeks.  He will, in addition, get low-dose chemo one time per week to enhance the radiation.  If this is Your will, gracious Father, would You open the way for me to have a 4-day work week for a season?  I would work 10-hour days, but the additional day, perhaps for the chemo day, might be of help to Bill and Mom.  This plan is just an idea, dear God, and if it is an idea from You, then I trust that You will pave the way.

You are amazing, God!

Bill Still . . .

6:20 p.m.

How do I begin, Lord?  I am committing to pray for Bill and against that horrible cancer in his body.  Sometimes I see encouragement in my daily Bible readings, and sometimes I see that You allow people to die--Stephen in Acts, Margie Germagian from church just this week.  How do I make sense of all this?  Am I supposed to make sense of all this?

"When you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do."  (I'm a Gentile.  LOL!)  "Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him."  That's good, Father, because I don't know what I need, or exactly what Bill and Mom need.  "Pray then like this:...."

Our Father in heaven, hallowed be Your name.  Your kingdom come, Your will be done....

Bless Your name, Father.  I know that Your home is in heaven, and that You have "summer homes" or second (and third...) homes in our hearts.  Why do we fight so hard to go to Your home?  I know the answer to this one for Bill.  I need to know that he knows that he is going to Your home.  Of course, I don't want to jump ahead here.  Would You tarry--delay--and perhaps give us some news tomorrow that might help us to bless Your name?  I hesitate to ask boldly for a staging number that is not "4."  I don't really know why I hesitate.  Hmmm....I want to ask in accordance with Your will: "Your will be done."  I want "Your kingdom [to] come" in Bill's life (if it has not already).  I want to be able to sing that song "Blessed Be Your Name" including the verse "...on the road marked with suffering...though there's pain in the offering...."

So, allow me to be bold here for just a moment and entertain a radical request from You.  Would You please, please give us a piece of good news to keep us hoping?  Would that be outside Your will?  This is where those groanings of the Spirit too deep for words have to happen, because I cannot put into words what I am asking You.  I am a bit afraid to ask You for the obvious--that Bill's cancer, though "poorly differentiated and aggressive," might not be Stage 4 and might respond to some treatment--but that is what I am fearfully, tearfully hoping.  But "Not my will, but Yours, be done." Luke 22:42

My final prayer tonight (6:37 pm) is that, then.  Please show me what to say, when to say it, when to say nothing, how to show love and how to show You tomorrow in the doctor's office and after.  Thank You that Randy and Terri are planning to be there, too.  I am glad that Bill is being shown how much he is loved.  Embrace him, Father.  Embrace Mom, too, and bring both of them peace and comfort no matter what the news is.  (But if You would let the news not be too bad...please....)

Father, You already know that all of this I pray for Jesus's sake~Amen.

6:40 pm

My Girls at Camp

Hi, Lord.  It would be so remiss of me to neglect praying for my daughters, especially in their work for You at Lakeside.  For Amy, I ask for leadership.  For Julie, I ask for fellowship.  For both, I ask for a passionately close relationship with You.

Holy Spirit, do in their lives what will bring them close to You and what will glorify You.  In the gardens of their lives--such different and both beautiful gardens!--please pull out the weeds that choke Your choice of plants and flowers, and nurture the growth in a well-designed piece of Your kingdom.  I guess I want to pray this for me, too.  Please use me, and to a great degree more than I will provide, my prayers to partner with You in this work.  I love them much more than I could have imagined before I became their mother.  Perhaps I understand You as Father God in a more complete way than I did as a single, childless woman.  :)  Thank You for them both, Lord.  Guard them, please, in every way from every evil.  In Jesus's name~Amen.

Bill Again

Dear Lord, I want to bring my stepdad Bill into Your throne room--or at least bring his name and his situation to You.  I suppose it is up to You and to him to get the two of you together.  I wish--I pray--for the opportunity to KNOW what his spiritual condition is.  If I am to be one of the people that You use to share the Gospel with him, then please ensure that I know when and where, and please also ensure that I am there.  I guess that might mean that I need to spend more time there.  Yes?

So, precious Savior, please keep Bill alive long enough--and keep his mind "alive" long enough, too--for him to have the chance to respond to Your invitation to eternal life.  Wednesday is the PET scan.  Grant him and Mom Your favor, and may I be so bold as to ask for an encouraging result?  Cancer is a terrible thief, and I know that You don't always intervene in the normal course of illnesses or other human tragedies (a la C.S. Lewis); so, apart from some miraculous action and a specifically God-exalting purpose, I won't expect a complete cure.  I will expect, because You promise it, that You will "tarry" in order for Bill to come to repentance.  The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance.  2 Peter 3:9  Please?

And for Mom, peace.  Relief from anxiety.  A radical acceptance of Your will.  More peace.  Please give her comfort from Your heart.  I'll do whatever You tell me to do to accomplish Your will in their lives.  In Jesus's name~Amen.

I Knew....

(It's 5:47 p.m.  This is just to keep me honest about how much time I am praying.)

Father, I knew.  I knew that Bill has esophageal cancer.  It's "poorly differentiated and aggressive."  In a way, his Alzheimer's is a blessing.  As Randy (his son) said to me on the phone today, Bill may be comprehending only about 20% of the news.

But Mom...she's ... I don't know ... devastated.  I sent a Facebook message to Kathryn to inform her since I know how much she loves Mom and wants to be supportive in times like this.

Father, I'm still groaning.  I know that the Holy Spirit is interceding with groanings too deep for words.  

And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness.  For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for.  but the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.  And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will.  And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

No, I don't know what You want me to pray for right now.  What can I say?  "Thy will be done."  That's radical, and I am still struggling with grasping the reality of Bill's diagnosis.  "Thy will be done." 

Yesterday evening's daily New Testament reading described Stephen's martyrdom.  I wondered why prayers for Stephen, even his own prayers, were "not answered" in that You chose not to allow him to live.  Yet just a couple of weeks ago, maybe three weeks ago, I taught the Pre-Kindergarten about Peter's miraculous release from prison while believers were praying together in town.  Why one and not another?  Or why not all?  I know the answer intellectually, but emotionally right now I admit that I cannot make any sense of this.

Please, Father, if I may ask a few favors, let them be these:

• Please strengthen Mom.  She can become like a battleax :) when she is anxious.  I know that's her way of covering up her profound sadness, but others may not be so aware.
• She asked for encouragement.  Would You use me to give her some?  I'm not sure what to say, or whether to say much of anything, but I am willing to be with her as much as possible.
• Would You use others to encourage her, too?
• Please let Bill have peace.  And no pain?  Let him enjoy these days, and let many who love him let him know that.  Please bring laughter and joy to him.

I'll have to start a to-do list, and hospice may be one of the top items on it.  Then contacting the parish priest?  Is there a better choice than the priest from St. Michael's?  Would you let me know?

I need to leave to see a client.  Lord God, these are heavy, difficult times.  "Thy will be done."



Bill

Groan.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:26-28

Please, Lord, have mercy on Bill and on Mom.  May the news today at the doctor's office be encouraging.  I will be back on line, if possible, later this afternoon to pray more.

Excited to Meet You!

Hah!  I came to the Worcester Public Library with the express purpose of spending time with You, Lord.  It took a little work to log on here since this is the first day for them to convert to a new system--Evergreen...how wonderfully appropriate!--but I have about 20 minutes to pray.

I find that when I try to pray lately, my mind wanders a little bit.  I have always known that I capture my thoughts and feelings much more effectively in writing.  I suspect that my desire to write out my prayers is not only an extension of that characteristic of mine, but also a reflection of the adage "If it's not written down, it didn't happen."  :)

My daughters: Dear God, give them a summer of edification, encouragement, and (have to think of another word that starts with an "e") excellence/empathy/ebullience!  What I really want for them is deepening relationships, both with You and with Godly friends and coworkers.  Thank You for their jobs!  Even though it will cost my husband and me some money, may we consider our contribution an investment in our daughters' futures.

My "son": Well, he's not really my son, and I hope his mother doesn't take offense at my adoption of him into my heart.  Please bless his cross-country bicycling and deepen his relationship with You during the trip.  Please heal his toe (on which he dropped the church pew at Habitat on Saturday). Please bless all his relationships, including the one with his girlfriend, and lead him in the path in which You want him to go.

My husband: What a hard worker, Lord.  He puts me to shame.  Thank You (and him) for the diligence with which he labors at his job for the sake of our family and its provision.  Please energize him (another "e" word for the girls above!) and clear his mind when he feels weak, both physically tired and emotionally wrung and intellectually slow.  Thank You also for allowing us to share in ministry.  I think it helps our relationship to work side by side (sometimes...sometimes more in the same area but different parts of the field) and have to communicate and clarify our vision for children's Sunday morning education in our church.

My church: Lord, I honestly don't always feel that this is "my" church.  I confess that in case it is my sinful resistance and/or pride that holds me back from committing to it.  Nonetheless, dear Lord, please bless this church as it moves into a new stage under a new, young pastor.  Please bless Tim, Katie, and their children as they relocate to New England and encounter what many have described as culture shock.

Darn.  It's 6:11 p.m., and I have a 6:30 p.m. client.  I wish I could keep going, Lord.  There is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much that I would love to talk over with You!  Bottom line: I love You, I want to serve You, I want to follow Your lead in everything, I want to glorify You with my life, my actions, my relationships, my choices.  I have to go now.  :(  Thank You so much for this time!  For the sake of Your kingdom, AMEN.

Prayer for DH

(DH stands for Dear Husband.)

Heavenly Father, my DH is not having a good period.  He has been complaining for months now that his work is getting too hard for him.  Monday he tried to play soccer, but he pulled a muscle in his side and is in pain.  Yesterday (Tuesday) he was as moody as I have ever seen him.  I think he really wants a simpler job, one that doesn't demand such a long and terrible commute, and one that doesn't tax his brain past its abilities.  I don't blame him.  Work is a curse, I believe, based on what You said in Genesis:  "through painful toil you will eat food from it [the ground] all the days of your life."   I am blessed to find joy in my work, and may I ask that You grant the same--or at least similar--joy to my husband?

Father, encourage my husband for Your sake.  Please bring him a good measure of relief from his pain and his burdensome labor.  Restore to him the joy of Your salvation (Psalm 51).  Correct whatever thinking errors are contributing to his dismay and allow him to return to his typical good cheer.  I have to get back to work now, or I would continue to pray/write longer.  I know You understand.  I am asking this for my husband out of my deep love for him and my deeper love for You.  In Your Son's name and for the sake of Your kingdom~Amen.

Delicate Issue

Lord, I have to get this off my chest.  I am concerned about my older daughter's weight.  She is (I know, many mothers have said this) a truly beautiful girl, inside and out.  She has struggled--maybe not struggled?--with her weight for most of her life.  Is there something psychological involved in her weight?  Here I am, a psychotherapist, and I am wondering about this!!  Is there a fear or an aversion to men and their standards of attractiveness?  Is it a biological or genetic phenomenon, given that there are weight problems on both sides of the family, and most extremely on mine?

Please, dear Great Physician, intervene in her life now.  Help her to get a handle on her weight problem and allow her to experience a healthy, active, unencumbered body.  I don't know how she feels about romantic relationships, but I do know that our bodies are Your temples and that You have made them for such relationships.  Please...for her...and for Your sake.  Amen..

Finishing Strong

Dear Heavenly Father, please accept this very brief and rushed petition on behalf of my daughters.  They both have finals this week--Julie has one on Monday (tomorrow) and Amy has two on Monday and Wednesday (I think).  Please keep them focused on how their studies will glorify You and equip them to serve You better in the world.  Give them grace to study what is necessary; give them efficiency in studying wisely; give them rest so that their brains can work well in the testing environment.  I can hardly wait to have them both home, even if only  for a short time.  Please bless them--from me!--and keep them in the palm of Your hand.  In Jesus's--Your Son's--name, AMEN.

Finals for the Daughters

Julie: Today, at least Spanish and one more.  Dear heavenly Father, please grant her grace.  I am pretty sure she has studied effectively; now, given her "Alzheimer's" professor, allow the test to be reasonable, fair, and accurate in measuring her learning, her effort, and her desire to gain this knowledge to please You (and, yes, to complete her language requirement--LOL!).  I don't know what the second test is, but please grant her the same grace in that subject.  And then let her rest--in You and in her body--tonight.  I can't wait to have her home!  In Jesus's name, AMEN.

My Mother In Law

Today is my mother-in-law's birthday, number 78, and my husband/her son is visiting her overnight at her home in New Hampshire.  Dear Heavenly Father, please bless her today and for the rest of her life.  You know that we have been concerned about her salvation.  She has raised four very responsible, mature children.  She has stability, property, friendships, and the devotion of her children.  She does not appear to have a relationship with You, or at least a  positive one that we can see.  Her ideas about You are, to say the least, idiosyncratic and not well supported by Your word.  I often find it tiresome to converse with her, and even now, I find it hard to concentrate on praying for her.  I am ashamed to admit that, but there it is.  One of the very reasons that I started this exercise of blogging/journaling was permission to be as brutally honest as I need to be, and to be accountable about it.

So I suppose my first prayer should, and will, be this: Dear Lord, change my heart.  Give me a deep love for and appreciation of my mother in law.  Happy Birthday to her, dear Savior, and please let this year be the year that You break through to her heart and touch her with saving love.  It would be wonderful if her younger son could be the one to talk to her about You and maybe even pray with her.... :)  I do ask this in Your precious and powerful name, Jesus!  Amen.

My Oldest Nephew

Lord, I am becoming attached to writing my prayers.  I tell people that I will pray for them, and sometimes I remember and sometimes....  Yesterday, when my mother called with concern for my oldest nephew, I recommended prayer.  Then, when I called her two hours later, she was convinced that I had prayed because 1) she had a "coincidental" phone conversation with him in his role as police/fire dispatcher (they were burning brush) and 2) she felt so much better.  I suspect that she prayed, but even if she did not, You are not limited by our praying...or not praying.  This is not to say that praying is unnecessary!  Rather, it is to say that Your interventions--thank You!--do not get turned on by our setting aside time to pray.

Joe  

That being said, I still want to ask for Your intervention in my oldest nephew's life.  He may, indeed, have a mood disorder.  He almost certainly has some emotional issues related to his parents' behaviors in his life.  God, You are his perfect Father.  Please step in and do something to cause him to consider what he is doing and how he is acting.  He has a lovely wife and two great boys.  He also doesn't have great examples of parenting, and especially fathering.  Bless him, if with a gentle kick in the pants, please?  In Your name and for the sake of Your work in his life, AMEN.

Busted Halo's Challenge

FAST from trying to control everything today.
PRAY for the willingness to let the Spirit of God lead your life.
GIVE some of the time you normally would have used trying to figure out how to control things (at least a half hour), to a task that is helpful to others.

Hi, God.  It's me again.  I am having a hard time concentrating at the moment, and to combat this, I decided to take just a few minutes to "pray" here.

I like the challenge today!  Spirit of God, I am willing to let You lead my life.  I just digressed over to The Shack and Sarayu, and was sadly again reminded of too many divisions and arguments.  I choose, however, to see the truths--that the Holy Spirit is hard to--no, impossible to--capture in mere human words, that the Holy Spirit's work in my messy garden of life is at the same time beautiful, that the Holy Spirit defies my understanding.  So, I am willing, Holy Spirit, to let You do what You want to and need to do in my life.

Prayer for a Mother

Dear Heavenly Father, this is a quick prayer requested by my co-worker Peter on behalf of another co-worker Linda.  Her heart is broken because custody of her grandson has been taken away from the boy's mother--Linda's daughter--and given to the father.  The reason is (reportedly) drug use/abuse by the little guy's mom.

So, what do I pray?  What do we need to ask You to do in this situation?  Father, You are the perfect parent.  We are not perfect parents.  First, then, I suppose we want protection for Nathan, the grandson.  He's young and vulnerable and is being bounced around from one place and one parent to the other.  Father, give him a sense of security and a shield of resilience.  No matter where he is, let his little heart know that he is loved deeply.

Then I imagine that we need to pray for Nicky and her drug use.  It is costing her!  Father, You discipline those whom You love, and discipline is by definition painful enough to deter us from undesirable sins.  Father, speak to Nicky's heart.  Please be loud enough that she will hear You through her hurt and dismay.  Her response is up to her.

Finally, comfort Linda.  She is very likely torn by her loyalty to her own daughter and her love for her grandson.  Comfort her.  Reveal to her that You are still in control, that You are protecting Nathan and disciplining Nicky.  Speak to her heart, too, and encourage her to trust You.

In Jesus' name and for the sake of the work of the Holy Spirit in this situation...Amen.

Pestering God

Lord, it's 8:07 p.m.  There is a mess in the basement that requires my attention since we are having a guest of Amy's down there tomorrow.  However----

Luke 11, which I read this morning (very early this morning, like midnight to 1 a.m.), gives the example of the pestering neighbor who gets a response by being a pest.  But how much more is our good and loving Father willing to give us what we ask!!  So I ask for my Maine relatives.  Please, please, dear heavenly God, bless them and specifically may I ask for a job for Tom?  It would help Tom, of course, and it would also help Donna, whose blood pressure is too high.  Of course it would help Becca, their daughter, whom they are sending to a Christian school (which means tuition).  Please?

I await Your response, Lord.

(And thank You that Julie is on her way home for Easter!!!!!)

End 8:11 p.m.

My Buddy Holland

Quick prayer for the financial support for my buddy Holland's Habitat for Humanity trip this summer: Lord, it seems that he is NOT getting the money that he needs to take this adventure.  Is there a reason that You are withholding the money?  Has Holland heard Your direction correctly?  I guess, dear Heavenly Savior, that I am asking for clarification for him.  Please either release the flow of financial generosity from Your people and the other sources of money for him OR make louder Your voice of direction in his life.  Of course, if he is choosing to listen to other things, he may still have trouble hearing You.  In that event, take away all the distractions so that he catches Your still, small voice.  For Jesus's sake, amen!

My Maine Family

Lord Father, I'm home this Sunday morning at 10:22 a.m. because I have a HUGE stye on my left eye.  This is the other eye from the one with a stye the week of March (college) break, and it's sorer and more swollen.  Should I ask for healing for it?  I am slightly glad of it since I get to spend some additional time with You.



I promised Donna that I would pray, and this is one good way to ensure that I deep my promise.  Father, You promise to provide for all our needs.  You command fathers to provide for their families.  1 Timothy 5:8 says, "Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."  God, one could argue that Tom and Donna are "providing" for Uncle Tom and Connie by being in Maine.  Now, please, give Tom a responsible and respectable job so that he can provide for his own household.  He is willing to work.  He does have some limitations (is he a high-school dropout?), but his strengths and his industriousness more than compensate for them.  Lord Father, Donna is trying hard (that's a topic all by itself--trying!) to be faithful and obedient and submissive.  Please bless them majorly in this next week with good news about a job for Tom.  Even more than that, please bless them with the good news that You are listening and responding.  Build their faith!  Reward them for their attempts to do what they believe You have led them to do.  For the sake of Jesus's name, AMEN.

Countdown to T&T

Here we go, Lord.  It's time to go set up for the T&T.  Bless me, bless all the women leading it, and bless all the women attending.  And bless my DH for helping us to set up tonight.  In Jesus's name and totally for His sake!

Busted Halo: For Others

Today's "fast" idea from the website Busted Halo suggests a fast from prayer for my personal needs.  Okay!  Here goes!

Amy:  Father, her heart is toward La Casa de la Esperanza.  She feels called--and I rather believe that You are, in fact, calling her--to spend a school year there.  There are many details to consider as we move forward with this mission.  Please grant us direction, wisdom, and provision.  Please show us the things that we, by ourselves, would probably miss or fail to take into account.  Please be glorified not only by Amy's willing heart, although I imagine that You would be extremely blessed by it, but also by our willing hearts to let her go and to help her make this mission possible.

Julie: Lord God, You know my heart is most concerned not merely for her physical safety in the city, although that is certainly true.  My heart is most concerned with her spiritual "safety" and the dearth of Christian fellowship in her life.  I don't know whether the difficulty she is having in attempts to connect with Redeemer is an indication that it is not Your will for her to be fed there OR an indication that the idea is receiving spiritual opposition from the enemy.  My first request from You, then, is discernment about this conundrum.  I don't want to be asking for something that is outside of Your will.  Please, in either case, lead her to Christian fellowship in the city.  She seems to be remaining close to You, and I ask You to give her the commitment to maintain that closeness.

Holland:  Dear boy!  Dumb boy!  I think Mom is right; he doesn't appreciate Amy.  Oh, well.  That is her issue and his issue and not my issue.  I did say, though, that I would pray about his Habitat for Humanity fundraising, and so I shall.  Please, Lord, provide for him according to Your riches in glory.  Please honor his heart for the poor and the downtrodden.  Please also honor his young manhood and his need for adventure.  I ask that You would prove Your heart to him by opening the purses and pockets of Your people to provide for this ministry.  Bless him; bless my daughters, too (and more?? )

"Lectio Divina"

Not all things Catholic are bad!  This practice of Lectio Divina, which was described on the Busted Halo website but which has roots in the 6th century order of St. Benedict, is something that we evangelical Christians try to incorporate into our "devotions" but we just don't call it by the same name.
Four parts: 

1. Lectio = reading with a listening heart
2. Meditatio = just what it implies: meditation
3. Oratio = prayer of the heart
4. Contemplatio = yes, contemplation, including letting go of thinking but just allowing the Spirit to speak

I'm going to get today's Bible reading (New Testament)....Luke 6:12-38.  I'm going to read it in two versions: the NIV and the New Living.  (Starting at 9:49 a.m.)  (By the way, the Message was the default version on Biblegateway.com, and I read this passage in that version as well.  Very cool!)

Lectio: My "listening heart" heard something in verses 37-38 of the Message version. 

"Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. Don't condemn those who are down; that hardness can boomerang. Be easy on people; you'll find life a lot easier."

Meditatio: Everyone needs a break.  Everyone is a sinner, and many of them many times are willful sinners.  Those two statements don't contradict; they are together a dialectical truth.  Ooohhhh.  Heavy!  And of course, who does that bring to my mind but my director at work.  Challenge to my impulsive, reflexive reactions to her.  Of course, if I applied this to her--that is, if these words were spoken to her picking on people, jumping on their failures, and criticizing their faults (which she does)--the consequence is in fact what she is suffering.  But this is not being spoken to her; it is being spoken to me.

Oratio: Prayer of my heart.  Dear Lord, soften my heart.  I think this passage could also apply to my reaction to the "associate pastor." Yes, I hesitated to write those words and to put them in quotes because I don't feel that he qualifies for the title of pastor.  How can I "be easy" on him?  He makes me crazy.  :)  Not really, but I have a hard time recognizing the things that he is doing that are clearly violating his role and his responsibility and not being affected and maybe upset by them.  Jesus, You did this while You were on earth.  Would You please coach me?  I'm trying, but if my trying would effect any change, then I wouldn't need the Holy Spirit to a) assist me and b) do the work that I'm unable to do in the first place.

Contemplatio: By virtue of the description of this practice, I won't write any words. 

Finally, there is “contemplatio”, a state of letting go of thought, imagination, and feeling in order for God to enter every corner of our being.

It's 10:14 a.m., and I will just sit and close my eyes and not even try to capture any thought that comes across my mind.  Opening my eyes at 10:18 a.m.~with tears of appreciation that You have done this very dialectical thing for me.  You know my faults more accurately than anyone does, and especially than I do, and You love me and pursued me passionately.  THANK YOU!

Well, Lord, I hate to go.  There are deadlines in this world that I need to respect.

Bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory (for Your sake).  Let Your hand be with me, and keep me from harm, that I may neither cause nor experience pain.  ~1 Chronicles 4:10 made into a prayer~

Out at 10:29 a.m.!

Over--But Not Over

Lord, I am going to take 20 minutes here with You, according to the suggestion on the Busted Halo website to "practice" meditation for 20 minutes each day.  This may not be truly meditation, but the 20-minute idea seems like a really good one.  So, I start at 5:57 p.m.

Today I had the cystoscopy.  What a relief to hear that the CT scan from last Monday was normal, and the cystoscopy showed only possible residual evidence of an infection.  The evidence was a reddened, apparently inflamed area; it was nothing really remarkable, according to the doctor, but it suggested to him that there was left-over infection.  So I now take Bactrim for four doses, one of which I took already today.  My blood pressure was up a bit at 130/88, despite having taken the Atenolol this morning (and I will take it again tonight).  Hah!  This old body is showing signs of wear and aging.  :)

The upshot, so far anyway, is that the "gross hematuria" does not appear by any means of evaluation to indicate cancer.  Yes, that is a relief.  It also taught me that I can't take for granted my health or my own power to avoid sickness.  It was humbling to me to consider that I could have a terminal illness despite taking (what I think is) good care of myself.  I came back to the realization that You are ultimately the decider of my fate.  I didn't come back to that as quickly or as easily as I would have liked; but I did get there.  "My life is in You, Lord."

I need to settle a little bit and ask for Your blessing and inspiration on the MOPS talk tomorrow.  In today's, or was it yesterday's (?), New Testament reading, You Yourself said that we should not worry about what we will say when the time comes.  It's in Mark 13:11b:  "...don’t worry in advance about what to say. Just say what God tells you at that time, for it is not you who will be speaking, but the Holy Spirit."  (I'm not going to be arrested and standing trial, but still.... !)  Is it wrong for me to review what I have written in preparation for tomorrow?  I hope not.  I really, really want You, Holy Spirit, to be the One speaking.

Use me, dear Master, to reach anyone who doesn't know You yet.  Use me, too, to challenge those who do know You to stop hiding from You and to seek You with all their hearts.  If my life is to mean anything at all, I want my funeral to be a testimony to a sold-out servant of her Savior.

I have recalled the story "Sighting Day" in Tales of the Kingdom on more than one occasion since I have been preparing for this talk.  Should I make a reference to it?  Maybe....

Okay, Lord, it's now 6:13 p.m.   I'm going to float over to Busted Halo for a few minutes and read that article on meditation for the remaining time.  Bless me, indeed, and enlarge my territory (so that You will have more influence)!  Let Your hand be with me, and keep me from harm (so that I may continue to serve You), that I might not cause pain (by neglecting to share the Gospel)!

Oops.  It's 6:17 p.m.  :)

Sharing the Gospel

MOPS is Thursday, and I am speaking.  Dear Lord, this is a weighty responsibility.  I am really not very good at public speaking.  I also really want to make the Gospel clear and inviting to any woman there who does not know You or know it.  Please inspire me and bless me and take over my mouth, my heart, and my head.  You be the speaker and use my vocal cords.  In Jesus's name, AMEN!

Wrapping Up "Hide and Seek"

Lord, I have already pulled out the draft of my talk for MOPS.  It's unfinished, and I would like to finish it soon so that I can read, re-read, meditate, and allow it to seep into my heart.  First, though, I want to ask for Your inspiration.  This talk will be nothing unless You infuse it with Your Holy Spirit.  Would You do so, not for my sake, but for Yours and for the sake of the women who have to listen to me?

Let me read about Your "hiding" in the tomb, and then Mary Magdalene and the "other Mary" coming to seek You.

And listen to a few beautiful songs of worship~Carrie Underwood and Vince Gill's duet "How Great Thou Art," Sandi Patty's "Was It A Morning Like This," and Casting Crowns's "Glorious Day (Living He Loved Me)."

Lord, I think I am going to use the "Glorious Day" YouTube for the MOPS talk.  

And thank You for tonight's time of worshipping You through this talk and through the music.  :)

It's Not Over Yet

I feel great.  I have NO symptoms, no more hematuria (at least visible).  However, the scare goes on.  I will have a CT scan next Monday (2/27) and a cystoscopy on Wednesday, March 7.  My best strategy for managing what could be crippling anxiety is to stay in this moment and do whatever I would normally be doing.  My self-talk goes, "Today, nothing is different."  This bit of wisdom, undoubtedly from You, evidenced itself in my having to teach Grades 3 & 4 in Junior Church yesterday.  What a wonderful, flat-out, superb, tremendous blessing.  I always love it.  Daniel's faith in doing what was right even when the law made it wrong was inspiring.  May I have that kind of unwavering faith, and may it operate in this stressful time of my life.

Now, I need to begin preparing my MOPS talk for Easter.  I don't want to say anything without hearing from You first.  Please give me some ideas, or rather one really inspired idea.  This is my next chance to focus not on myself, but on You.

Compassion Equals Anger?

In yesterday's Bible reading, Lord, You were compassionate to the leper.  Interestingly, an alternate translation of "compassion" offered the word "anger."  I don't have a lot of time right now to plumb this, but it intrigues me.  Then, today's reading indicated that You were somewhat irritated again.  Maybe You were mad more than we once thought!  I have to run now to get ready for my appointment, but I hope to come back to this idea with You.  Love You!

Follow-up on Cancer

Lord, so far there are no abnormal results from the various tests the doctor has ordered.  Today is the urology appointment (with the nurse practitioner-<smile>-) and a possible appointment for a CT scan.  I'm continuing to trust You in whatever the outcome is.  Be glorified, dear Lord, in my life--or in my death, if that would be Your will.

Sister-in-Law and 100-Day Cough

(Tigger wants to rub his face against the edge of the computer screen.  I wonder if that was the damage that happened to our other laptop.)

Dear Lord, Beth continues to suffer with pertussis, also known as the 100-day cough.  Since she was already into it at Christmas, and it is now mid-February, that's about 47+ days already.  Amy reports that she (Beth) looks tired and sick.  Please support her during the remainder of her illness, give her strength and relief from the awful, racking coughing, and perhaps miraculously shorten the duration of this illness?  Thank You that Bruce is now "working," albeit not at a salaried position but on commission.  It's what he loves, and I ask that you bring him some success to support his family and regain the dignity and respect that (I think) he may have lost during his lengthy period of unemployment.

Lovin' the Time Off

It's already 9:30 a.m. and I have a few more things to do before I go off to the ultrasound appointment.  Lord, thank You SO much for the reassurance of the doctor's news last night.  It's not over yet, and I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I was "encouraged" (her word).  The urinalysis and cytology results were negative.  What was going on?  There has been no bleeding since Saturday morning.  What should I change about my lifestyle?

The title of this post says a lot.  I really do love having the time to do this writing/praying, and I want to write/pray about a few other things and people as well:

• Robyn, my 10-year-old friend from HBC whom I took to lunch on Sunday.  Reminder: her birthday is April 17th.  :)
• MOPS and my "Hide and Seek" speech
• Work--the psychiatrist on my ward, and my difficulty with him
• My daughters: OD for guidance for next year, and YD for fellowship while she is in NY.



Cruising to Nassau and other places for our 25th anniversary

• My husband of almost 25 years!  Our cruise!!  What a guy, and what a blessing!!

This is a short entry, Lord.  I need to go get showered and do maybe one or two more things before going to the appointment.  I may come back and spend more time here later.  I love You!

Cancer?

(Lord, I just clicked on my other blog, Tricia's Trivia, and said to myself, "No, this prayer and this issue are far from trivial!!"  I don't know, really, whether I was serious or kidding.)

It continues to be hard to wrap my brain around the idea that I may have cancer.  I have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow, and a urology appointment (with a nurse practitioner/physician's assistant) on Friday.  In my experience, some NPs or PAs are more competent than MDs!  However, when I analyze this appointment and the speed with which my doctor wants me seen, I realize that she thinks this really is cancer.  Yuck, boo, and fie!  I have stopped, at least temporarily, looking up information on the Internet.  It's all the same information, and there is nothing else that I can do today to learn anything new or to change the outcome.

This situation in my life makes the words that we say and sing about "our lives being in Your hands" so much more poignant.  Do I really believe that?  Can I really be at peace with whatever the outcome is?  Can I say truly that I look forward to being with You?  (That's a yes.)  I also realize, however, that it is very difficult to imagine leaving my husband and my daughters. My mother, too, counts on me for her future.  That might require a different tactic if I am, in fact, diagnosed.

Incidentally, I had the gum grafts yesterday.  I did take one Vicodin Plus shortly after the procedure, but so far have not needed another one.  I am pretty swollen--well, not "pretty" in either sense!--but I don't have much pain, thank YOU.

I need a friend.  You are the BEST.  I think of spilling this onto someone else, and no one else can do anything more than You are doing and would do so much less. So for now, You're it!  DH is being remarkable.  I wonder, and worry a little, that he is scared.  He may have reason to be.  Both of us, dear Lord, are learning what it really means to live by faith each day.  Be glorified in my life, and if necessary, in my death.  I still and always will love You.

Hematuria

Whoa, Lord.  Friday night into Saturday morning I experienced "gross hematuria."  I had no warning, no other symptoms, which is ironically a very bad sign.  The big word here is cancer.  So I take a big breath and go forward with all the other things in my life.  The most immediate event is my gum grafts tomorrow morning.  (Reminder: Find the stent!  I just did.)

Cancer-everyone thinks it happens to other people.  It is sobering to consider that it might be true for me.  I have no risk factors, and I feel pretty good.  I am looking at a very busy week since I will probably have an ultrasound on Wednesday or Thursday, probably a CT scan this week or early next week, and an appointment with a urologist.  Wow.  One bloody urine and my social calendar just got very busy.  (Actually, there were probably 4-5 bloody urines in all.  The crazy thing is that I haven't had one since midday Saturday.)

Lord, when we pray, "Not my will but Yours be done," we often do not know what we are praying.  I think I am still in great denial.  This cannot be happening to me!  I am staying in the moment, just doing what I need to do today, and practicing--practicing, since I am not an expert at this--the "radical acceptance" that is taught in DBT.  Help me, Lord.  My blood pressure was up by 20-30 points.  My pulse rate was okay, though.  Whatever happens to me, bless and strengthen my husband and my daughters.  Please ... please ... may this ordeal glorify You, and may others see You through me during this time.  Amen.



Prayer for MOPS

Good evening, Lord!  It's 7:38 p.m., and DH is not home yet.  He should be home within about, oh, 35 minutes; so, I will hurry a little.

Lord, I sometimes feel that I need to document my prayers!  Funny, huh?  I guess I've been working in hospital/psychiatry for too long.  "If it's not written down, it never happened."  (Sad, but sometimes even if it is written down, it didn't happen.)  Well, no matter.  I want to ensure that I pray about the MOPS meeting tomorrow and about MOPS and the young ladies there in general.

"I tell you the truth, wherever the Good News is preached throughout the world, this woman’s deed will be remembered and discussed.”  Matthew 26:13



The former MOPS president wrote a book based on this story.  Elisa Morgan, I think I remember, and I believe it was called, She Did What She Could.  That's what I want to have said about me.  So, tomorrow, even if it is not what I want to do--which is spend time with the adult women--let me do what I can, and what I can do is help with MOPPETS so that Michelle particularly can go to listen to Colette.  God, there aren't enough MOPPETS workers!  Is there something else that you want us to do to get some more help?  Or do you want us to share the work?  I know that some of the steering members are loath to have the mothers rotate through the MOPPETS rooms.  I'm not quite as reluctant as they are, but then, I don't live in their shoes.  I am reminded of Pat Lencioni's, or rather his group's, recent email about building people paradoxically by asking them to help.  Hmmm?  Well, something to continue to ask You, no?  So...would You give us some inspiration about what to do so that our women can get what they need?  Please help us.  Some of the women, perhaps me included, are not getting to receive all that You have to offer through MOPS.

By the way, however, thank You for the older women who have committed to us.   Kathy, Carol, Diana, and even Jessica at times, are Your provisions for us, I believe.

Would you also speak through Colette to the women who do get to sit through the talk tomorrow?  She is funny yet deep.  Please strengthen many marriages and families through her talk,

Bless me, indeed, and enlarge my territory!  Let Your hand be with me!  Keep me from harm that I might neither cause nor suffer pain.  (My version of the Prayer of Jabez, 1 Chronicles 4:10)

Quick!

Hello, God.   My DH will be home in 15 minutes or so, and I don't like to have this up when he's around.  So.....

1. OD's applications to grad school: Guidance and direction for her, please?
2. YD's incredibly busy schedule and desire for Christian fellowship: Redeemer?
3. My student: her (and my) need for more effective supervision.

Okay, I will end with reading today's New Testament selection.  Love you, Lord!

Praying for My Husband

Lord, how does he do it?  It's 8:45 pm and he is still at work.  He will be crazy-exhausted when he gets home.  He'll also (maybe) have work to do over the weekend at home.

I know he does it out of love.  He wants to provide for our family in the best way possible.  What did he say to me many years ago?  "All I really want in life is to be a good husband and father."  I think, and maybe correctly, that he includes being a good provider in that desire.

But he is tired.  (There's the phone!  He's 25 minutes from home.  Meaning--he'll get home around 9:30 p.m.)  Lord, is there a better way for him and for our family?  He has said that he would like to "retire" to an easier job closer to home.  The girls are in college, and the oldest is considering grad schools (this weekend, but that's another prayer), which costs a LOT of money.  We are spoiled, and You have provided so well for us.

I ask for him strength, endurance, joy, enjoyment of his work, a sense of the importance of his place at his job and in the lives of his co-workers.  I ask for him a very clear and deeply held belief that his job is Your call in his life.  Please give him rest when he is at home.  May our home be a place of peace and restoration for him.

And thank You for him.  He is a wonderful partner.  In Jesus' name, Amen!

Annual Report

Thought: What if we each had to write an annual report on our lives?  The thought makes me smile.

There is a serious prayer here, though.  We have been asked, once again for the nth time, to write the annual report on the Junior Church ministry at our church.  So it behooves me to ask the Lord to inspire my writing.

Lord God, You know that my deepest desire is to please You.  At least I hope and want that!  So I suppose my first prayer is that it would be true.  Now, for the specific need of the moment, please help me to bring glory to You in the annual report this year.  Give me something of value to say, although I suspect that few people read the report.  :)  I have thought of the WHO idea: who we teach, who we are, and who we serve and love.  What do You think of that, Lord?  I guess, until You give me something else, I will go with that and see where it, and You, lead me.

PS  Jennie is having a lymph node removed tomorrow, and I sense that she might be somewhat frightened, although she puts on such a brave, spiritual front.  Give her a deep peace that penetrates into the parts of her heart and mind that cannot be reached by humans.  I do pray that nothing of terrible nature would be found, but perhaps if something must be found, that it would be easily treatable and curable.

Bless me, Lord!  Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that I might not sin against You and that I might not cause pain!  (My abridged version of the Prayer of Jabez.)  Amen!

Amy's Request

This morning my daughter Amy texted me.  Now this is not an unusual occurrence.  What makes it noteworthy, however, is that I received it at 9:41 a.m. EST, and Amy is in Tijuana, Mexico, which would make that time 6:41 a.m. PST.  :)  She is not a morning person, but on this trip she has had to get up early to lead the group.

She asked specifically for prayer for the last day of their VBS with the Esperanza kids.  I will include her quote here:

Hi Mom  :)  Miss you lots.  Could you please pray for VBS today?  Were talking about some deeper issues with the kids and were really praying for God to open their ears and make them think...Love you Mama!

So, I will pray!

Lord, it is a wonderful feeling for a mother to see her daughter serving You so devotedly.  I join my heart to hers, and to all the team's hearts, asking for you to open the ears and hearts of the young people at the orphanage.  Many of them have not had easy breaks in life, and they could be bitter.  On another hand, they could be calloused about spiritual things.  In any case, please soften them to hear Your words spoken through Your missionaries, the kids from Gordon.  I ask this, and I am sure the Gordon team is asking this, in the name of Jesus the Son of God and the Messiah.  Amen!