Cancer?

(Lord, I just clicked on my other blog, Tricia's Trivia, and said to myself, "No, this prayer and this issue are far from trivial!!"  I don't know, really, whether I was serious or kidding.)

It continues to be hard to wrap my brain around the idea that I may have cancer.  I have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow, and a urology appointment (with a nurse practitioner/physician's assistant) on Friday.  In my experience, some NPs or PAs are more competent than MDs!  However, when I analyze this appointment and the speed with which my doctor wants me seen, I realize that she thinks this really is cancer.  Yuck, boo, and fie!  I have stopped, at least temporarily, looking up information on the Internet.  It's all the same information, and there is nothing else that I can do today to learn anything new or to change the outcome.

This situation in my life makes the words that we say and sing about "our lives being in Your hands" so much more poignant.  Do I really believe that?  Can I really be at peace with whatever the outcome is?  Can I say truly that I look forward to being with You?  (That's a yes.)  I also realize, however, that it is very difficult to imagine leaving my husband and my daughters. My mother, too, counts on me for her future.  That might require a different tactic if I am, in fact, diagnosed.

Incidentally, I had the gum grafts yesterday.  I did take one Vicodin Plus shortly after the procedure, but so far have not needed another one.  I am pretty swollen--well, not "pretty" in either sense!--but I don't have much pain, thank YOU.

I need a friend.  You are the BEST.  I think of spilling this onto someone else, and no one else can do anything more than You are doing and would do so much less. So for now, You're it!  DH is being remarkable.  I wonder, and worry a little, that he is scared.  He may have reason to be.  Both of us, dear Lord, are learning what it really means to live by faith each day.  Be glorified in my life, and if necessary, in my death.  I still and always will love You.