Direction, Please?

 Abba Adonai (if that is even an appropriate title to use for You), it has been two weeks since the last difficult (but not as difficult) job loss.  I wanted to take time to listen to You; yet I fear I have filled the time with "productivity."  That might not be terrible in itself.  However, if I need to listen to You, distraction does not lend itself well, if at all, to careful, discerning listening.

So, Adonai in heaven, I will ask outright what You want me to do next.  There are many things waiting for my attention, and several possible options for next steps.  There is -- there are -- several things I do not want to give up, nor do I currently believe it is Your will for me to give up: volunteering at the school and giving platelets regularly are two of those important things.  Are there other things to do for You?  I stopped for a second on my ability to do anything *for* You.  You do not need me!  Perhaps I would do better to ask what You want me to do to contribute to Your kingdom.

• Volunteering--no supplemental income
• Working part-time--difficulty with time off?
• Working full-time--same as above, less flexible time to volunteer or be available for others (my mother)
• Private practice--version one, for an online agency--some demands for the aforementioned productivity, perhaps a lack of self-confidence on my part.
• Private practice--version two, for myself--overhead costs, liabilities, documentation, but possibility for flexibility and income

Dear Adonai, please tell me what You want.  This could be a wonderful period of time for me and for the family and for the benefit of Your church.  Help me to use it wisely.

Amen and for Your glory!

Lots of Titles

"Modern-Day Prophecy"

"The Upside-Down"

"Listening to the Message"

These are only some of the titles for posts that have crossed my mind over the past few weeks.  The more I listen to my Bible readings (thanks to The Bible Recap!), the more I see that nothing in human hearts really ever changes without the specific ministrations of the Holy Spirit.  

But isn't that always the way?  Humans, including me, often cannot see past the ends of their own noses.  Humans want power in this world.  Humans are hopeless without Your intervention, Adonai.  The prophets to whom I have been listening (thanks to those who read the Bible for others) emphasize the wickedness of the human heart, the disciplinary punishment -- and sometimes unavoidable consequences -- by You, Lord, and the overarching purpose of being in a relationship.

July 24 addendum: Just going to wrap up this entry for the sake of clarity.  More to come!

The View of the Vistas

 Almost a month.  So many contradictory messages and experiences.  I am not sure I will recall all of them, but some are recent, fresh, and frustrating:

• Today, in the end of a frustrating week, the group therapy schedule for the new adult unit came under scrutiny.  Last week, I had suggested pulling one therapist from each of three units to run a group each on the new unit, running with only three groups on each of the units.  I was told that this was not only against protocol but also against regulations.  So what happened today? The outgoing director of social work pulled one therapist from each of three units to staff the new unit.  ???
• I was told, with some stated certainty, that the unit that will come under renovation (to add 4 additional beds) will absolutely close on Monday, July 15, in order to start those renovations.  Now I surmise, by virtue of the promise to staff groups for next week on the new unit, that the renovating unit will NOT close and therefore release its group therapist to staff the new unit.  (Hard to follow, but read it slowly.)
• 
  Three minutes before arriving at TV for the rescheduled ice cream party, I received a text that "policy" prohibited my coming into the hospital while on "vacation."  I had been on Teams meetings and email and texts for the prior two days, trying to solve problems and stay informed.  I did not hide this activity.  I was also never apprised of any such policy--or any policies at the Vistas, for that matter.

(I will save this in draft form until I can revisit the month.  I will pray--hard--that the Holy Spirit will superglue my mouth shut about these contradictions and inconsistencies.  Holy Spirit, accept my prayer!)

Update 7/19/24: Last Friday I received a call releasing me under the probationary period.  The letter was not gracious.  I am, frankly, relieved.

Wish for a Whole Day to Pray

I could use an entire day for a spiritual retreat.  My head is swirling with thoughts, plans, observations, interpretations, and, unfortunately, some fears.  I know--I know!--that You never rush, You never get overwhelmed, You never run late.  Not like me!  At those times, I have begun to take a breath and a moment to center and check in with You.  "What am I supposed to do next, God?  I am listening."

Hence, this entry.  This is what I was supposed to do at this moment.

I have finished one week at TaraVista.  Impressions are variable, but I feel hopeful and called to this place at this time for Your purposes.  If I ever needed wisdom, and I have needed it badly for many years, I need it more than ever now.  Help me, God, to pause before my mouth engages.  Help me to listen to Your Spirit and to speak words of life.  I don't want to work at a long career at TaraVista, but the income and the sense of restoration are wonderful right now.  Thank You.

Biblically, what Your Spirit is whispering to my soul in my Bible Recap "readings" (i.e., listening) has involved the consistent disregard over millennia for doing life Your way.  This is not a new phenomenon in the recent decade or so.  The MAGA and evangelical people seem to believe two errors: one, that things were so much better as to approach perfection in a recent time in the past, and two, that governments or lack of governments can make a country or a society "so much better."  It has always been Your plan to change hearts, not laws.  Ah, God!  Change my heart!

I love You so much and not enough.  Amen.

Grateful for Everything

 Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; give thanks in all circumstances...

...for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

It feels like we are at the end of a rough season, Abba.  At the same time, it feels like we may be beginning another rough patch in national politics and global unrest, even war.  

Help me to be clear-eyed about Your will.  The surprise ending of the third episode of The Chosen Season Four raises the deep and difficult issue about the character of Your will on many occasions.  We think, as humans, that we know what is good and "best," but we don't think correctly!  Your will is determined by so many pieces of knowledge and foreknowledge that my human mind cannot even begin to imagine.  What are *You* doing in this situation, this world--and most importantly for my relationship with You, my own life?

More than ever before in my 67+ years of life and my 50-ish years of knowing You, I realize that the reality of persecution and evil leadership and distortion of true worship of You is far more current nonfiction than historical or fictional recountings.  It was easier on my immature faith to believe that pastors and ministers all knew, preached, and respected truth.  Now I feel more mature and at the same time deeply disillusioned.  I also do not trust in my own ability to discern truth all the time.  That would be arrogant and a lot like the grandiose but ignorant certainty embraced by so many "Christians" who embrace beliefs and positions that make me cringe.  I can only, and always, refer back to You and ask You, in my childlike way, to explain these complicated and often distorted issues to me.

I fear being gaslit.  YOU are the Voice of Truth.  And I determine to be grateful for *everything,* even all the bad people like lying politicians, corrupt ministers of the Gospel, evil-intentioned employers and managers in my job, and other sinners.

May I follow You even when it makes no sense, even when others in my "Christian" world are trending a different and often opposite way, and may I (with my physical and spiritual deafness) hear You in the cacophony of voices in the foreground and the background of this tangled web of influences in this current world.

Come, Lord Jesus.  Maranatha!

Thankful Reflection

 

Abba, today I am most grateful for You.  You are always faithful.  I reflect on the sufferings of Your people who are persecuted, some of whom have even been tortured, imprisoned, or even killed--and You are still faithful and they still find joy in Your will.  

These months of waiting (10 months now) have not been easy although they have not risen to the level of suffering that others of Your saints have endured.  Now I feel like the Biblical Old Testament Joseph.  He remained steadfast despite being falsely accused and punished for it.  He continued to worship You and represent You.  Ultimately, You restored him to a place of respect.  Now I have my retirement pay, even retroactive, and the prospect of a new job with a salary greater than what I could have earned with my previous job.

I will miss these times with You (and Bailey by my side here).  I will miss walking during the middle of the day at Tower Hill, but weekends, watch out.  I will miss the flexibility of being at home, and the relief from the stress and absurdities of my former job--but not the stress and absurdities.  Maybe there will be new stress and new absurdities.  I know You will remain faithful and we will get through it together.

A new chapter is being written in my story now.  There are a couple of plot lines that need to be resolved.  I look forward to seeing how You write the endings of those plots.

I love You--so much and not nearly enough.

Direction on Directorship

 Father God, what a shock to receive an invitation to consider the position of Director of Social Work at TaraVista.  What an honor and what a vindication.  As much as the experience of the past year has hurt and even wounded me, this invitation has brought a measure of salve and comfort.  It may be too soon to know whether full healing has started, but the reprieve feels nice.  

Now I ask for Your direction.  The money is a big incentive.  Full-time is not my preference, but nothing is forever.  In fact, if I had not been "discharged," I would still be working full-time.  Did You shove me out of a job for the purpose of giving me more free time?  Or did You shove me out of government service and an unhealthy working environment for the purpose of giving me something better?  Help me to hear what You are directing (word choice intentional) me to do.  I like the opportunity to be generous and to plan for future housing costs, both repairs and purchase.  Please be clear!  You know my heart inclines toward You and Your purposes in my life, in my family, and in Your world.  I see in Scripture that some of Your people believed they were doing the right thing for You but it was neither at Your direction nor with Your blessing.

Waiting for You, Father God.  Amen.

Every One Matters

Jehovah Jireh, my provider, thank You for the job and the funds with which we hope to serve and bless You and Your people.  I will miss all the "tiempo libre" and the time with "mi perro," and I will look forward to structuring my time differently after 10-11 months of this unexpected break.  Please direct me during this time of readjustment.

The "Every One Matters" title is pertinent in two ways.  I first considered this my God Shot for the 1 Chronicles readings today because You mention so many people and their relatives by name.  It occurred to me that each person is significant enough to call out individually.  You really care deeply not just about the masses but each child (no matter their age).  Secondly, if I am to take on the Social Work Supervisor role for TaraVista, then the "every one matters" philosophy will be important to implement as a supervisor and as a provider of clinical services.  I may want to make a poster of this.

God, I feel Your healing touch.  There is a lot to heal.  I also praise You for discipline in Your love and love in Your discipline.  If I may, I also want to intercede for my daughters in their places of service today and going forward.  The world needs more Millenials like my daughters, who serve individuals and foster their growth in several meaningful ways.  Please provide for them as You are providing for me.

I love You.  Amen.
 

A New Vista?

 

Lord God, my God, I do not want to charge ahead with a big decision about accepting a full-time job without consulting with You.  In The Bible Recap's readings so far this year, one "God Shot" that weaves through many of the experiences of Your people is their failure to listen to You.  Still, You rescue them even when You discipline them.  Let my mind be clear, Your voice be loud enough to hear You through my spiritual deafness, and this decision be made with the heart intent to glorify You.  It seems providential--the word "provide" is in there--and it also seems redemptive and restorative.  Selfishly, I will probably miss all the free time I have enjoyed.  Equally selfishly, I will probably enjoy having some extra money to spend and share and save for our long-term goals.

DH agrees.  Both he and I would like a part-time option, and perhaps that will come later.  In the meantime, God, thank You.  (I am a little worried that the next part of the process will require references, and I will put that in Your hands right now.)

You really are the Greatest, the King above all Kings, and a Good, Good Father.  Not to even get close to a Blessed Redeemer~~

Amen.

Some Answered Prayers

Abba God, do You ever get tired (so to speak) of all my complaining? Much of my prayer lately has been complaining about all the bad, awful things that have happened over the past year. Over the past three days or so, there have been some breathtaking and tear-jerking answers to prayer that deserve to be noted:

• Julie: For our Mother's Day call, she seemed slightly discouraged about her job prospects. Then, yesterday, she dropped a one-line text announcing that she had just received an unofficial job offer from a positive prospect. Thank You so much, Father!  
• What also deeply blessed me was the near-immediate answer to this prayer for Julie on my prayer walk at Tower Hill yesterday. I cannot capture the intimacy of that prayer time in words; I want to describe one "vision" I had of You. It was more than a vision, though. I also felt You.  (Cue the tears here....)  As I walked, I envisioned You walking next to me, saying nothing but just looking at me with those amazing eyes, and then, still saying nothing, taking my hand. Thank You for that beautiful, *touching* experience. You are real, and no one can ever convince me otherwise.
• More answered prayer: I received a letter today from the Retirement Board stating that my retirement date is officially February 19, 2024. The letter was dated May 13, 2024 (Monday) and signed by Stephanie, with whom I had spoken back in March. I admit to being still skeptical, and I called my other contact, Daren, to confirm it. If this is true, however, it could be a financial relief *IF* the retirement checks come sooner as a result. Thank You for this, too.
• Another possible positive answered prayer: In a conversation with Tatiana from the Department of Unemployment Assistance (DUA), she asked me to clarify my disputed version of my discharge from my job. I was somewhat emotional, not crying but with emphatic descriptions of the course of events and questions about why I would ever do what I am accused of doing. She was professional and yet supportive. I cannot yet be sure, but when I checked the DUA site today, she might have made me eligible for some unemployment benefits. If so ( or even if not ), thank You for the opportunity to tell my story and maybe for a little cash cushion. If it comes through, You will get some of it, directed to The Journey.
  
• Then come the job possibilities.   I thank You for these at the same time that I ask for Your clear direction. Am I being greedy, or am I responding to the ideas of 1) using my gifts and talents for others and for You and 2) having additional money to share and invest in Your work in the world. You know what I would miss most, Abba? Walking with Bailey. He has become my buddy! I would also miss volunteering at the Belmont Community School, although that may resolve itself by October, when I would want to resume those precious visits.

I know I could go on and on. You always answer prayer. It isn't always the answer I want, of course. (In fact, I have begun to wonder about the entire administrative leave-to-discharge/firing thing. It feels a little, or even a lot, like Joseph's "Man meant it for evil but God meant it for good" experience.)  More importantly, I feel much
closer to You because of this (relatively weak!) suffering.  

Abba God, I don't love You enough, but I love You.  Amen.

No Stopping

 "Pray without ceasing." "Pray continually." "Never stop praying."

In actual practice, Father God, this is not so easy to do.  Distractions are my number-one problem in obeying this command.  Focus (is this related to distraction?) is another; that is, where do I concentrate the time that I do have?  Defining prayer to be broader, much broader, than intercession is another issue.  There is SO much to talk to You about!  Most times I just do not know where to start, and many times I am not sure where to end, either.

But I will not stop.  I want to seek Your pointing finger regarding a job.  I want to listen to Your soft, comforting voice about the country, the world, and especially the Church.  I want to ask for all Your attention and all Your blessings for my family members and especially for my daughters.  And most of all, and most of the time, I just want to sit with You.  This idea brings tears to my eyes, Lord.  (And out of my eyes, too.)

One issue I am grappling with that I need to ask You about is the grievance resolution and this subtle prompting to write about it.  I cannot determine whether that is coming from You or from me.  Would You make it clearer for me?  I am seeing, and I have seen, instances where "good" ideas might not have come from You.  Biblically, there seem to be a few of them in Your Old Testament people's experiences.  Let me not get ahead of You and Your permission and direction--Your "Go!"

I love You.  Amen.

A Timely Tryst

Well, my time has been used up a little by job searching, health appointments, and other considerations as I sit here at Panera.  I was looking forward to this time away from home to focus in a private place--funny that Panera is more "private" than home, with the risk of DH wanting to know what I am doing or writing--and to make this diary/journal/blog entry.  Abba, I need to get my head in Your game.  What are You pointing to for me?  For my daughters?  Especially for Julie, Abba, I ask for Your quick and clear provision for her next vocational and financial step.  It would help her faith, and probably Tue's faith, to see You respond early and maybe even miraculously.  I know, and most mature Christians know, that miracles are not a right but a privilege, that miracles are intended to respond to and develop the recipient's faith in You.  Can You see how this would help Julie and Tue?  Of course You can!  :)  

Please also clear the path for Amy and Chris.  I admit to discouragement with the delay in their promised engagement.  It is not my relationship, though.  Please hasten the resolution of Chris's immigration application, especially if that is the hindrance to a formal engagement.  Please also guard Amy during her trip to Poland with the Messiah students.  It is a wonderful opportunity, and it is not lost on me that Your apostles faced far greater dangers in their travels.  (But they were not my children.... )

I have to go now.  I love You, but not enough!  Until another time, soon~~

Prayer for My People

Abba, DH is out but only ~18 minutes away.  I was listening to The Beagle Lady (really good stuff!) and lost track of Our time.  Here are a few things I want to talk to You about because "I can pray to God for others [and myself, too]."

• Julie's job situation: Please, dear Father, show her Your faithful provision for all her needs, especially her vocational and financial needs right now.  It would have been less anxiety-producing if she had a job offer in hand prior to resigning from Harrity, but her hand was forced and we will rest in the knowledge that You had this knowledge already.  Build her faith *and* be her Jehovah Jireh, please.
• Amy's relationship with Christopher: Since I can't hid anything from You anyway, I will just say it--what is taking him so long??  Please, Father, hustle this relationship along a little bit, if just for me (selfishly).  And BTW, please bless that trip to Poland next week.  It is exciting and a little anxiety-producing at the same time, as any international travel is in these uncertain times.
• DH: Since he is close, I cannot go into as much detail as I would like.  But here again, I count on Your omniscience.  You know what I need to do and what I need to say to You.  And I appreciate that.

Be glorified in my life, Abba God.  There are many problems and demands on us right now, and learning to hear Your still, small voice of direction can be challenging when the cacophony is overwhelming.  Love You!

Intercessions

 Addenda, Father:

• Julie's job search
• Christopher's proposal to Amy!!
• Tue's faith and salvation
• Our decisions about house renovations and maintenance
• Our decision about a second home in PA
• My sister's motherly grief

There is SO much more. Some of the things tormenting my heart are the stupidity, delusions, and lies that characterize many of the citizens of this country at this time—the citizens of the world, really.  It bothers me deeply that truth, and especially You, the Truth, is rejected by so many.  I guess this has been foretold for many generations; Your people have always been a small minority, the gods of the world have always fought hard against You, and You never promise that everyone will love You---only that they will bow the knee to You eventually.  But the misleading!  Good-hearted people who profess to love and follow You are so deluded!  Talk about optical illusions.  These are spiritual delusions, I think.

But for now, let
me focus on my family's following You and listening to Your directions.  You know I am a little hard-of-hearing, Father, so please raise Your voice a little.  I am paying attention.

More Listening: Six Psalms

Why, Father God, do You take so long to exert Your justice and power?  I don't ask that in a challenging way but in a sincerely curious way.  I have even begun (slow learner) to see that You do not always--or even frequently--rescue Your beloved ones from what the world would consider terrible situations, even death.  I am remembering the Oscar-winning movie "JoJo Rabbit," in which people who sheltered Jewish people were put to death.  This story is also told in Corrie tenBoom's life and book "The Hiding Place."  I think that less mature Christians, who are children in their faith, expect heroic and miraculous rescues in which You swoop in like Superman to save the victim and restore law and order.

It isn't always so, is it?  When I sat down to make this prayer entry, I wanted to do it while listening to today's devotional readings from Psalms.  Sure enough, in the first of six, there it is.

"How long, LORD? Will You hide Yourself forever?

Remember how fleeting is my life.  For what futility You have created all humanity!

Lord, where is Your former great love, which in Your faithfulness You swore to [me]? Remember, Lord, how Your servant has been mocked ("gross misconduct," violence, religious bigotry), how I bear in my heart the taunts of all the nations, the taunts with which Your enemies, LORD, have mocked, with which they have mocked every step of Your anointed one."

(all from Psalm 89)

But the ending: Praise be to the LORD forever! AMEN AND AMEN.

Make this true in my life, dearest God.  I surrender, I submit, I await Your voice and Your face.  Show Yourself to me, please? 

 

 

Another Quick One

•  Job?
• Julie's job?
• Amy & Chris
• The world and the people in it
• Listening to You

Abba, I have only a few minutes because DH is in town and on his way home.  Please grant direction in these and the many more areas that I bring before You but may not have time to elaborate.  I am trying to listen to You!

Quick!

 Hey, Abba!  DH is too close to home for a long post.  Just checking in to say I love You and I am feeling very much supported by You.  You speak to me often these days, I think.  Don't allow me to misinterpret Your messages.

'Til next time....

Confidence in Chaos

Good morning, Abba.  I am a little scattered today and I chose the title for this post because it reflects what I need: confidence in chaos.  (I am listening to my beagle's deep, sleepy breathing and it calms me, too.) 

Help me to be more gentle with my increasingly disorganized husband.  He is not completely disorganized; don't get me wrong.  I get frustrated when he is illogical, when he misunderstands me, when he focuses on minutiae and misses the bigger points and issues.  I am afraid that he might have encroaching age-related cognitive decline, and I am disappointed in his lack of ambition and direction in anything other than his woodworking business.  That is not entirely true: he is committed to the refugee ministry, too.  However, he seems to be neglecting our home and its upkeep and maintenance, especially on projects that I am unable to do.

So that is my confession, Abba, for today.  :(  Today, I am preparing for our church dinner.  I need to get moving soon.  My YD has distracted me with her dental anxiety, which is not a complaint.  BTW, Abba, please calm her anxiety and grant her the peace and comfort of Your presence.  That is something I typically would forget to bring to You--stupidly, I admit, but You care for even the smallest details of our lives and relationships.

Maybe that is my "God Shot" for today....

I love You, too.  Gotta run!

Deep Breath

 

Hi, Abba.  My head is cluttered.  I think that may be the propulsion behind my effort to declutter a little bit today.  There is such a lot, such a large number, of issues swirling around my life that I do what many people seem to do: ignore them all.

• Bailey and I went for a 20-minute walk in the drizzle at Davis Hill just a little while ago.  That felt good!
• I watched ~52 minutes of the Recall Training video done by The Beagle Lady today.  That felt good, too.
• I am still waiting for the grievance decision.  I suspect I will be waiting for a long time, if history is a good predictor.
• The job interview scheduled for this past Monday was rescheduled because the interviewer called in sick.  It is now a virtual interview for this coming Monday at 11 a.m.  May Your will be done.
• In the meantime, I need to respond to at least three job offers in order to satisfy unemployment rules...IF they have even approved my application.

See what I mean, Abba?  And this does not even take into account the party for my MIL on Saturday, or the Community Dinner next Friday, or teaching Sunday School, or whatever pops up and requires flexibility.  

But You are always sufficient.  You are enough.  My "God Shot" today might have been the subtext of the last chapters of 1 Samuel and the first chapters of 2 Samuel--that it is not only entirely possible but also entirely usual that people *think* they are following, honoring, and obeying You but they are not.  Some of this is attributable to not listening closely enough to You or going ahead with what they think is what You want.  So much of that very same thinking is present in this time, this culture.  Help me, Abba, to know You so well that I know what You would want and to listen to You so carefully that I know what You are commanding.  Please.

Amen.

There You Are Again

 From today's psalms:

• Psalms 7:8 "Let [You] judge the peoples.  Vindicate me, Lord, according to my righteousness, according to my integrity, O Most High."
• Psalms 31:17-18 "Let me not be put to shame, LORD, for I have cried out to You; but let the wicked be put to shame and be silent in the realm of the dead.  Let their lying lips be silenced, for with pride and contempt they speak arrogantly against the righteous."
• Psalms 31:12 "I am forgotten as though I were dead...."
• Psalms 34:13 "keep your tongue from evil and your lips from telling lies."
• Psalms 34:15 "The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous, and His ears are attentive to their cry"
• Psalms 34:17 "The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them"
• Psalms 52:2-4 "You who practice deceit, your tongue plots destruction; it is like a sharpened razor.  You love evil rather than good, falsehood rather than speaking the truth.  You love every harmful word, you deceitful tongue!"

And finally:

    "I trust in [Your] unfailing love for ever and ever....And I will hope in Your name, for Your name is good." (Psalsm 52:8b and 9b)

Truth and justice, O Lord my God, are the cries of my heart!  Amen.