Waiting on God: Previewing and Reviewing

Good morning, dear Lord of my heart.  Today is the appointed day for my colonoscopy.  The prep wasn't as bad as I anticipated, although the overflooding of my stomach with the liquid did cause me to vomit.  

So that is the preview!  Steve Macchia's piece on Reflective Journaling for the Waiting on God Soul Care Retreat captured the balance of reflection which I would describe as anticipatory reflection and retrospective reflection,  How can I project into my plans and schedule for the day what You may lead me to do?  Yeah, that is not reliable.  Interruptions happen, flexibility is required, and grace over all the unexpected "divine appointments" that surprise me.  

Reviewing my past three weeks here at home on the administrative leave has been informative.  I am not at all excited to return to work; I am also not completely sure that returning is the plan that You have for me.  I find that I hesitate to call myself a "social worker" anymore.  I confess that I felt a prompting that I overrode to move away from the hospital and the professional role there; I believed that I was being noble and considerate in staying so that my colleagues would not be even more overwhelmed and overworked than they are.

And then this.

I decided, just now, to listen to some worship music.  Because I thought it might be wise to avoid a tear-jerking song--"Word of God, Speak" came to mind--I chose the more upbeat "My Jesus" ("Let my Jesus change your life").  A hummingbird came to the feeder, probably having waited for the rain to stop.  And "Word of God, Speak" followed that first chosen song.  Yes, I cried.  You are so good to me even in the smallest things.

Getting to be time for me to leave for that appointment.  I do love You, dearest God Adonai, but imperfectly and not enough.  Please help me get better, purer, and holier in You.  Amen.

Waiting on God: Action?

Dear Heavenly Father, may I intend to do Your will on earth and not my own.  

I did not sleep well last night.  My mind was occupied with many thoughts and considerations related to work and the administrative leave I am currently on.  One of the most troubling considerations is how to explain my absence--even whether to explain my absence, instead of seeking a transfer to another site.  I am seriously wondering about this, despite the major inconvenience that such a transfer would be. 

This is the part of the "waiting on God" practice that is hard for me this week.  Is it time to think about action?  How will I know?  How will You tell me?  Is it even imaginable that I could walk back into the building and pick up where I left off?  Is retirement the option to pursue?

In the meantime, the world goes not well.  I will focus on my Heavenly Home and the mansion You are preparing for me there. Still waiting...still while waiting.

Love You, my King and my Savior and so privileged to call you also my Friend.

Waiting on God: Silence

Silencio. Appropriate for me without my hearing aids. In the Waiting on God Soul Care Retreat, I skipped ahead to the Silence and Solitude section. This spoke to my heart:

“There are few things that help so much for conversing with Christ as silence. The silence I

speak of is, obviously, the inner silence of the heart without which the voice of Christ will

simply not be heard. This inner silence is very hard to achieve for most of us: close your

eyes for a moment and observe what is going on within you. The chances are you will be

submerged in a sea of thoughts that you are powerless to stop-talk, talk, talk (for that

is what thinking generally is, me talking to myself )-noise, noise, noise: my own inner

voice competing with the remembered voices and images of others, all clamoring for my

attention. What chance does the subtle voice of God stand in all this din and bustle?…Your

tolerance of silence is a fairly good indicator of your spiritual (and even intellectual and

emotional) depth.” - Anthony de Mello  (De Mello, Anthony. Contact with God: Retreat Conferences. Chicago: Loyola University Press, 1991, pg. 39-40.)

That is so very true. The silence and solitude of these days on leave have been busy, but for the most part, despite the presence of DH at home (and the ever-present beagle!), largely quiet and isolated. I admit to looking forward to DH's various absences on errands because those times are the ones I grab for these entries. The suggestion is to unplug, but for me, the security of a password-protected online journal is safer.  

The visits of the hummingbirds still fill me with hope, and the many -- too many to count today! -- have been sweet and touching. Lord, it is silly, and I know it, to interpret too much into the visits of these littlest of the bird kingdom. Yet, Your word does point to a huge truth that my heart needs: if You care for the birds of the air, how much more You care for me!

Let me not worry about the hearing next week.  I will trust that You will put the correct words into my mouth, if I even need to speak.  I see that DH is worried about the damage to my reputation and I don't blame him for his concern even as I fight back against it.  My only goal is pleasing You, and the only source of my self-esteem is Your description of me as "precious in Your sight" -- sins, mistakes, and all the gunk and junk in me included but not being left there.

The bird feeder needs refilling.  Amen!

Waiting on God: Contemplation and Insight

Still waiting...still (while) waiting.  I grab the moments when DH is out of the house to have my quiet time, my "still" devotional time, because it is so deeply personal and moving that I could not explain it to him.  Sometimes I feel judged by him; sometimes, maybe, his judgment could be correct.  I don't think so, but how would I know?  Only by Your Spirit, Lord, can I discern what is "true, noble, right..." and all the other things that You (and the apostle Paul) outline in Philippians 4:8.

So, that is my prayer for today: that You would show me all that is "true, noble, and right" and all the other things so that I may not only think on those things but also exemplify those things.  Big ask, tall order.  But You are a big God, and You are transforming me into the likeness of Jesus.  May it be so.  Amen.

Waiting on God: Reflection

 "Keep me as the apple of Your eye; hide me in the shadow of Your wings."  Psalm 17:8

The prompt from the Waiting on God devotional referenced other Psalms, but this one started my time off because it is the coloring page I have been working on, little by little, for some time. It also reflects my sitting in my own Apple Room (our porch) on Appletree Lane. Furthermore, I am sad and rejected. (A hummingbird just came to the feeder; thank You, Lord.) 

I have been off work for over two weeks now, and I have no assurance that I will be going back. If I do, how will I explain my absence?  

I also note and have noted for a long time now, my short temper with my DH. (Confession)  I am annoyed easily by him; I don't respect his intellectual grasp of many of the contemporary political and social (and sometimes spiritual) issues; I become frustrated with his illogical opinions on various issues that affect me and my future (e.g., how to be involved in our daughters' and our future grandchildren's lives). To a great degree, I feel very lonely. His questions and suggestions to me feel condescending, and I respond with sarcasm. Many of our squabbles over the past 2-4 years have never been discussed thoroughly, let alone resolved. We just brush them aside and plod on. I don't want to enumerate them here; that would be even sadder. Lord God, let this time with You touch that lonely part of my heart and soul.  DH is a good man; he has provided well for me and for our daughters.  Please remove the greedy part of me that wants more.  You are my Provider, ultimately.  Make me grateful for all that I have.  (Which is way too much.)

What does it mean to be the apple of Your eye? That You are "extremely fond and proud" of me.  Even though I screwed up at work?  Those accusations leading to this administrative leave make me sound evil and incompetent.  Ah!  Maybe the leave has severed my tie to my work and my profession and has even affected my self-esteem to the extent that my self-esteem was based on my identity as a social worker.  May that not be so, Lord Jesus.  May my identity be based only on what You have called me and made me.

Little Blessings

•  Lauren Nguyen, MD, came all the way from Foxborough via Los Angeles just to worship with us at the Journey today!  
• The Bible verse in the "Making Sense of God" devotional was way too perfect for me during this "administrative leave" season:
• I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself.  My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent.  It is the Lord who judges me.  (1 Corinthians 4:3-4)
• The Leadership Transformations retreat guide intrigued me last night,  I thought, correctly, that this is the work of Stephen Macchia, formerly a pastor from Grace Chapel.  I was initially attracted to the full-day Sabbath soul care retreat guide, but as I looked at others, particularly the half-day ones, I became interested in one or more of them.  Maybe while I am still off?  (https://lti.christianbook.com/waiting-god-retreat-guide-individual-pdf/pd/32908DF?event=TCG|1012418)
• The sure and certain knowledge that even in the season of destruction and exile, as Maureen titled her sermon today, You, O Lord our God, are still constant and working.  May I work in concert and cooperation with You--always.

My Partner in the Yoke

 "Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30 NIV

(I digressed into looking for the NASB 1977, then the 1971, versions, my first Bible for memorization purposes.  Funny, Lord, how the versions over time have changed; e.g., "weary and heavy-laden" is the way I recall this verse.)

I am weary and burdened, Father God.  Even in my weariness, I think about the Lord's Prayer/Our Father, and pray that Your name would be "hallowed" in my situation.  I still cry easily, and grieve the reputational damage the "administrative leave" has caused me.  However, for the sheer heaviness of my burden, I am NOT in competition with the many people in the world suffering from the wildfires in Maui, the extreme heat in the South, the kidnapping in Haiti (thankfully now resolved), the deaths from COVID and inadequate health care, and the many crimes against humanity perpetrated by evil people and especially those in power.  Small potatoes, my little burden.  

I think I will squeeze in my Spanish lesson before noon for the extra points.  Keep me in Your yoke, Lord, because it is easy and light.

Amen.

Truth Cannot Die

 

This morning I became somewhat cynically discouraged and Googled (unsuccessfully, which seems auspicious) "the death of truth."  I know better.  Jesus, You said and continue to say that You are the truth.  You cannot die!  Hallelujah!

I know it is not right to lose hope.  Yet, I reflect on many of the Psalms in which the writer--usually David--came close to losing hope, too.  He never completely lost it.  I can not come close to imagining how stressed he must have been in his various escapades and encounters with near-death.  I get stressed over a 3-week paid leave!  (Although, always in the Spirit of Truth, I am enjoying it quite a bit.)

Remember the Holden Christian Academy "theme" verse?  Psalm 25 says "Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; For You I wait all the day."  Interestingly, in the NASB 1995, the beginning of Psalm 25 says that it is a "Prayer for Protection, Guidance, and Pardon."

Yeah.  We need that.

Lord God, thank You for bringing that silly little hummingbird to the feeder while I was there.  It is a small thing, and I know that when the season changes those little ones will not come to the feeder.  Still, I felt a little bit of Your hand on my shoulder, a smile from You, an acknowledgment that my heart is a bit raw and sensitive.  Small love in the background context of the BIG love of Jesus's sacrifice!

You are Truth--"I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life."  Amen!!

Hummingbird Hope

"Hello, Hummer!"  Lately, seeing a hummingbird at our deck feeder brings me to tears and to lifting my heart to You, Lord.  Those little ones bless my heart and seem like a sent reminder of hope from You.  Just this morning, *just* as I walked into the kitchen and had barely passed the wall beside the refrigerator, a lovely female hummingbird came to the feeder.  She lingered there a bit, filling her little belly.  Coincidence?  Perhaps, but I think not.

I cried.

I am still crying.

Lord, I know You know what it is like to be falsely accused.  You know what it is like to be an outcast.  "Outcast."  This is the first time I have used that term, and it pierces.

I also know that I have examined my heart and my recollection of the event, and I cannot find anything malicious or illegal, at least as I understand the law.  The hearing on the 24th is a Show Cause hearing, which sounds awful and threatening.  

I also checked on my timesheet, which has an unknown DET code.  Thankfully, it is all with pay.  Curiously and forebodingly, I found it marked that way until after Labor Day.

Should I initiate retirement?

It hurts that my own husband, who is unfailingly cheerful and relatively basic in his thinking about life, issues, and words, fails to get the underlying messages in the words he chooses.  He said this week that when listening to a person describe a life event such as a divorce, one needs to assume (one of my least favorite words or concepts) that the speaker "always presents the other person as the guilty one."  He also takes a both-sides-ism in many situations, seeming to want to present himself as balanced but often, to my mind, presenting himself as unwilling to think critically and carefully about the underlying situation.  He declined to take my car to the WARM English classes this morning because "How will I explain that you are not at work?"  He forgot that earlier in his retirement, he took my car at least twice to the English classes while I was at work, leaving me to drive his car.  

I cannot find the logic.

On top of all this, the crisis in the United States breaks my heart, and its effect on the Christian church breaks my heart into even smaller pieces.  I would almost describe it as shattering.  I finished listening to Russell Moore's "Losing Our Religion" on Audibl,e and I want to revisit the book on Kindle, where I can mark it up and comment on it.  Interestingly, Russell Moore was also an outcast from his position with the Southern Baptist Convention due to ... well, political differences may be the best way to describe the explanation.  In many ways, I have also been caught in the politics of the "workplace discrimination and violence" initiative.  Me.  I have a hard time wrapping my head around the allegation.

Ah, next to me is Bailey, my faithful shadow these past days of being at home.  He badly wants to lounge on the sofa upstairs when I sit there!  Hence, coming to the futon to spend some obviously "quality time" with him while he naps.  

Retreat of a Sort

 What would a spiritual retreat look like for me?  Maybe this "administrative leave" is a form of retreat for purposes of reflection.  Show me what to reflect on, dear Lord.

Persecution and Prayer

 Day 2 of my exile (aka Administrative Leave)

Oh, my.  Holy Spirit, I see You!  This is a perfect reminder to keep my heart and my mind focused on whatever You are doing through this crazy situation.  I know, having examined my own heart, that my motivation for my behavior in the accused event was neither malicious nor hostile.  It may well have been ignorant and even perhaps a violation of boundaries.  As my union representative has said more than once, "You cannot know what you did not know."

So how, dear Spirit, do I calm my heart and WAIT for You and the events to unfold?  Ah, that is my challenge.  Knowing how much work there is to do, and feeling so bad about putting it all on the supervisors, is hard on me.  But, of course, this is where I am now, and I will rest in the knowledge that You either planned this OR that You have a plan in this.

I will BLESS those who put forth this false accusation ("cursed me") and I will PRAY for those who are "mistreating me."  May my behaviors not only not detract from Your reputation but also enhance it.  Please allow me to show Your different way of doing life and love.  You have the rest of the job.  In the name of Jesus Christ, the Anointed Savior, Amen!

PS I am listening to/reading Russell Moore's book "Losing Our Religion," and it is sometimes bringing me to tears.  More on that in another post.

War, Warfare, and Warrior Child

This title was considered this morning before today's events occurred.  In fact, my new YouVersion devotional is named "The Spiritual Warfare Battle Plan."  So pertinent.  

In the meantime, I am stunned.  It feels quite a bit like the Pharisees accusing Jesus of breaking tiny little rules that really have little to do with true spirituality, true faith, true relationship with God.  In my case, I apparently violated a "religious" or "cultural" practice, and in the recounting of my violation, there are some blatant untruths. 

The good part, if there is one, is that I get a paid vacation!  It is called an administrative leave, and at the most inconvenient time possible for the hospital.  Oy vey.  But I will pay attention to how Jesus behaved in the face of false accusations.  Father, help my self-control and my tongue, which has historically got me into so much trouble.

Until then.  Lord, what shall I do with my time?

No Lie

"I am thankful before You, Living and Enduring King, for You have mercifully restored my soul within me.  Great is Your faithfulness."

One early morning (7:50 a.m.) entry while DH is away at his family's places in NH, and a quick capture of what has been on my mind and in my heart lately: Lies and truth.  Father God, it has not escaped my notice that You mention "truth" 137 times in the Bible, and that does not include any variations of the word.  After a recent sermon by Len Cowan, after which I described my frustration to him about the difficulty of discerning truth in a culture characterized and corrupted by lies, he pointed me back to the only source of truth--You as You have revealed yourself to us in the Bible.

You are the Voice of Truth. (Casting Crowns)
 

Dear God

Sometimes, Lord, that is all I can pray.  "Dear God."  I look around the world and see so much evil, brokenness, frank sin (and yes, even my own), and bleakness.  Maybe, just maybe, I see it because it is there.  What sometimes seems to happen is a wish for a rosy world where peace and love reign, and I am catastrophizing.  Am I?  Or are we--the world--really in the throes of childbirth, and the pain and problems are really powerfully there?

So today's verse from YouVersion punched me in the gut again.  Happening a lot this week!  

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.  James 5:16 NIV

I get it, Lord.  I need to reach out to family.  I tried this past weekend, and it didn't go well.  I will write because I can be more -- no, not more, but less reactive.  I am still so saddened by the "alternate reality" (I just read that term) that many people, including my own family members, are embracing. I also ask You to be ruthless in removing any deception from me, and in protecting me from an alternate reality.  I want to see the world with Your eyes, from Your perspective, in light of Your truth and Your goals.  I know that all is not what it seems to be.  But "Dear God," (again!) the juxtapositioning of truth and lie is so head-spinning that I cannot keep up.

Grace and graciousness, please, dear God, for my communication with my family.  I don't want to compromise truth; I am afraid that in my stubbornness I just don't want to compromise.  I ask for Your inspiration for my writing, and I really don't want to write without it.  

BTW, the YouVersion plan about Elisabeth Elliot is a little over-the-top.  I am skeptical of any human who can so unerringly choose faith and be such a remarkable believer.  (Jealous?)  I respect her and the hard life she had.  I have some admiration, a word I use cautiously, for the way in which she struggled to choose to submit to You.  However, whoever wrote this devotional edges up to a form of idolatry with her!  Help me to find that take-away nugget in these lessons from her life that You mean for me.

Struggling with a Mirror

Lord, the sermon yesterday by Father Len Cowan was a gut punch.  "The End for Israel" hit so close to our USA home, detailing many of the same issues in Israel that led to their downfall and that are present and prevalent in the USA in 2023.  The bottom line, however, was his point that the "cure" is not political or even religious but individual revival.  

Then Mom called last night after I sent a brief text noting my grief over the effect that lies are having on "my country, my family, and my church."  In her effort to steer a (lukewarm) middle course, she said, "I don't even know if you are telling me the truth."  That hurt deeply.  "This is why I am not ready to talk with you."

How?  Is this a Scripture coming true before my very eyes?  "Deceiving even the elect" is one verse that came to my mind, but there may be an even more pertinent one:

but understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty.  For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power.

Avoid such people.  

(2 Timothy 3:1-5 ESV)

Oh.  My.  Goodness. 

So, of course, in the spirit and the Spirit of individual revival, what does this mean for *me*?  That leads to the mirror reference.  (James 1: 23-27)

Please, Holy Spirit, work in me.  Make me like You, Lord, as the song prays.  In Jesus's name and for the sake of these last days~~Amen.

 

Mini Staycation

 The theme for the month in Sunday School (Grow curriculum) is "Staycation."  Apropos!  The family, including the young men, are in New Hampshire for the Independence Day/Family Reunion.  Bailey and I are home, though, and quite possibly more comfortable here.  :)

I was sitting in the living room thinking about what I was going to write here.  In that moment of quiet reflection, I heard the birds outside the house, probably in the holly bushes.  "Ah, that's the mindfulness exercise," I thought.  And a little while later, a hummingbird appeared but got frightened by my movement, I think.

I have not regretted not going.  They spent ~6 hours on the road getting to Logan, getting fireworks (before or after ...), stopping by the gift store selling his wares, and then (finally) getting to the Lake House.  That sounds awful!  Meanwhile, I stripped beds, prepped for Sunday School, saw a client, had a client cancel (!), napped, watched an episode of The Chosen and an episode of SWAT, and generally enjoyed being home.  I even put on some makeup!  Now it is almost 9 p.m. and I am thinking of getting ready for bed.  Ahhh.....

Father, thank You for this opportunity.  It was better for DH to be undistracted not only by me but by Bailey, who would not like the fireworks but would be driven to distraction by the s'mores and other food--and the chocolate is poison for him!  Bless me tomorrow so that I can bless the kids and their parents.  I think that is the Big Idea!  Love You so, so much.

So Many Prayer Needs

Good morning on this Lord's Day, Father God, and this Father's Day.  I am here at Appletree watching the worship service on the downstairs television, via AirPlay (neat program!), at the invitation of our silly beagle.  He is not allowed on the upstairs sofa, but he is allowed on the downstairs futon.  Hence, this location.

My Father in heaven, Your name is most holy.  May Your Kingdom come and may Your will be done.  It is so hard for me to see what is happening in the United States as Your will--but then again, You have said that Your kingdom is *not* of this world, haven't You?  One of the things that saddens my heart so deeply is the deception of people who claim to follow You.  Sometimes I fear that I am the one being deceived.  May it not be so, Father.  May I stay so close to You, to Jesus, to the Spirit that You will tell me what is truth and what is falsehood.

The title of this post reflects my feeling overwhelmed by all the issues requiring prayer: those of which I am aware, and SO many that dodge my awareness.  Just for some kind of accountability, please allow me to free-associate here for prayer needs:

• My own little family: my husband and my two daughters and all their various life needs
• My family of origin: my mother (age, blindness, peace in her needs and pains), my sister with dementia, my sister with a daughter caught in alcoholism.
• My sons-in-law: Tue and his journey to a relationship with You, Chris (technically not yet my son-in-law, but...) and his immigration hurdles and potholes.
• My in-laws through my husband: the urgent medical problems of my brothers-in-law Cliff and Bruce, my own challenging emotional disconnection from the others in the family.
• My church, its pastors and staff and ministries.
• This country--I can no longer say "my" country.  (Tom is preaching about idols, and he rightly points out that some idolatry may look a bit like patriotism or loyalty to a person or party--my interpretation, but I believe a valid one.)
• Our Ice Cream Outreach next week--weather, attendance, etc.
• MY OWN HEART, which is feeling crusty.  I grow impatient, frustrated, and sometimes arrogant regarding my own grasp of complicated concepts when others are slower to understand if they understand at all.

Why?

"For false messiahs and false prophets will rise up and perform great signs and wonders so as to deceive, if possible, even God's chosen ones."  Matthew 24:24

Father God, my Father in heaven, Your name is holy.  I have been pondering the theme of "truth" in my devotional times, in conjunction with my annual theme of "peace."  I looked up the number of times the word "truth" occurs in the New International Version--and not any variation of the word or related synonym--and the number is 137.  I would learn from this that truth is very important to You.

I titled this post "Why?" because I am troubled by the deception of good people by the blatant lying of the former President.  It grieves my heart deeply that people, some of whom I love, are blinded and fooled by a shameless charlatan.  You would think that with 37+ years of experience in psychiatry, I would know how useless it is to reason with a deluded person.  That is what I see: delusion, psychosis, paranoia, arrogance, magical thinking, and circular reasoning.  Remember when I took a logic class in undergraduate school?  I still remember much of the content.  Now, I fear, the folie a deux is really a folie a beaucoup, and the presentation of any truth by any responsible, trustworthy person would be torpedoed as "rigged" or "tainted" or "biased."

Your kingdom come, Your will be done.  Is this Your will?  Maybe it is?  As we get closer to the end times (maybe not "imminent" in my desired understanding, but maybe "imminent" in the sense that seems to be happening in the political world), no matter how faithful Your people are, things are going to be bad.  But light shines brightest in the darkness, doesn't it?  I fear that my own light, and perhaps the light of the Church, is a low-wattage light.  I need to have You power up my lumens and clean my vessel so that You shine through me.

Lead me not into temptation, Father.  My biggest temptations occur in my heart, soul, and mind.  I get sarcastic, snarky, angry, condescending--and not loving, not reflective of You.  

For Yours is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory, forever and ever~~Amen!

Prompt for My Family

 Jesus, mostly because I was stuck regarding how to spend this time alone (well, with Bailey) in a prayerful posture, I looked up prayer journal prompts.  The suggestion for today is "My Family" and the Biblical anchor is Psalm 103:17-18--

"But the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting

On those who fear Him,

And His righteousness to children's children,

To such as keep His covenant,

And to those who remember His commands."

I started to list my family members in my head before I read these verses.  Then I saw "His righteousness to children's children" and those words touched this old woman's heart!  Yes, Lord Jesus, I would love to see grandchildren.  Before that--mainly because that is *so* not in my control--I would love to have a plan to...well, see my grandchildren often and lovingly!  So here is my ask, my request: Would You show me, show us (DH, not as easy to convince), how to arrange this?  Then give us both the courage to take the steps that You direct.

I also find myself thinking about my son-in-law Tue.  (He is a focus of a separate blog.)  How long, Lord Jesus, until You look him in the eyes and into his soul, convincing him of Your love and perfection and turning his attention to You and away from the misled and corrupt Christians in historical times and in modern times?  Please do this soon.  I am convinced that time is short until Your return, and times are uncertain.  

I need to close my own eyes until DH gets home from his act of service to his mother on her birthday weekend.  I want more time, but as You said, "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak."

I love You so much!

 

 

Reflection

 

Good morning, Lord.  My DH is at the Men's Breakfast, learning about one of the latter fruits of the Spirit.  My canine companion is beside me on the futon.  I have stripped one bed; the cat is snuggled up on the other, unmade, which of course, means I can't finish taking those sheets.  I have taken a table to the dining room in preparation for our Easter Saturday Supper (and may have hurt my toe in the process, but whatever).  I am getting ready for one client at 11:30 a.m.  

And so distractible.  Lots to do, and I play word games.  (Did well in them, though!)

The world and the country are at war, both actually in Ukraine and Russia, and philosophically between ideologies in the USA.  I grow angry at the patent stupidity of the side calling itself Christian.  How, Lord, can this be?  Are You not "the Truth," and does not all wisdom come from You?  The blindness is obvious, and then I wonder whether I am being blinded.  The times are confusing.  I am so blessed by The Chosen, seeing through another person's eyes that You, Jesus, encountered many of the same personalities: the self-righteous, the Pharisaic, the ones more interested in power, and the ones interested in the promotion of their people.  Even the apostles talked about bringing the message to the Jews--their people--and did not, at least at the beginning, see that the message is for everyone, even though You foretold it in Isaiah.

So make my heart less angry, less judgmental, and much, much more loving, please.  Grow my patience with those who are not as quick to see logic and reason and especially with those who cannot see spiritual truth until You remove the scales from their eyes.  I want to "glow," as someone recently described me, because the Light of the World is inside me shining out.

Blessed are You, Lord our God, Lover of the Universe, Who offers to whoever would believe in Jesus the gift of eternal life, forgiveness, redemption, and the greatest love of all.

Where Do I Begin?

 Dearest Father God, it did not occur to me that I was missing a golden opportunity to do some prayer journaling while DH and our Little Beastie were visiting a relative. At least, it only occurred to me late in the day. But here I am now.  

My post's title says a lot about me and how overwhelmed I am feeling. Perhaps at another very private time, with more time to dig really deeply, we can talk about this new and unfamiliar stage in my marriage and in our lives. Right now, the urgent stuff right in my face has to do, mostly, with my younger daughter and her dear husband.  

• They are closing on a house in four days! Even for me, this event is the fulfillment of a dream. As I hinted above, it is also an indication of a new stage in my life. Father, it is a father's job, is it not, to provide a place to live for his children. Thank YOU for bringing them to this place so quickly and affordably (at least relative to current housing prices and certainly relative to prices in Philadelphia). May the closing go smoothly; we have hit a few bumps in the road with the gift money we gave them. 
• My son-in-law is taking the bar exam, again, in about 10 days! There is no lack of advice on the Internet about how to do the second exam successfully. He is taking advantage of support and advice. Now he will take advantage of my prayer. He said so!  

God of all knowledge and God of good laws that bring justice and good life, You are also the God of mercy. In that mercy, and in recognition of Tue's heart for justice for the underserved, I ask you to show mercy to him in the taking of the exam. Clear his mind of distractions and distractedness; give him extraordinary and even supernatural recall of facts, principles, concepts, and details; organize his thinking and his writing so that he sees the answers clearly and correctly and presents them effectively. Most of all and above all else, he needs to know that You are the giver of wisdom and knowledge as well as of salvation and eternal life and great love. May he succeed because You lead him, and may he recognize Your graciousness. In Jesus's Name and for His sake--ever more urgent as the Day draws near!--Amen.

• One more thing that has been lurking in my heart and mind: my older daughter and her relationship with that quite excellent man. This issue also reflects my concern about moving into a new stage in my own life; however, my deeper concern is her happiness and, really, their happiness. Not only their happiness, Father, but their effectiveness in being blessings--more effective together, perhaps! (Thanks for his passing his NCLEX exam, too. That was big.)

May You be glorified. Time is short, and the urgency of salvation has never been greater. Give me wisdom and endurance to be a good example and a good witness to Your love and mercy. In Jesus's name, for the sake of the Kingdom, and in the power of the Holy Spirit, may I pray and go forth. Amen.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

Solitude and Silence

 Good morning, Father! It is currently 9:13 a.m., and DH is at the church's Men's Breakfast. I have a client at 11:30 a.m. on Zoom (virtual),  and I am not ready as far as grooming and hygiene.  But of course, this time with You is more important, and the opportunity does not always or often present so well.

I have chosen to remain "deaf" for this time to make the experience of silence more real, too.  

Funny coincidence that is probably not a coincidence: My YouVersion plan reading *and* the lesson I am teaching in Sunday School tomorrow are both from Matthew 5:13-16, "Salt and Light." Hmmm.

A little stream of consciousness? I am fairly sure You don't mind--and are not surprised by anything I am thinking anyway.

There are a bazillion things that swirl in my head for prayer.  Catching any one of them sometimes makes me feel worse rather than better because then I feel that I have neglected the others, which are perhaps more "important."  How do You define importance, Father?  There are my beloved daughters and their men, my husband, my mother, my sister with dementia, the war in Ukraine, our future with retirement looming, the Afghani family my DH is helping, my clients, my patients...

And then I look back on the list and note that I forgot DH's side of the family, our church, our neighboring city and its social problems.  

The story of Tending the Mountain Spring from the Grace Chapel pastor, Bryan Wilkerson, comes to mind.  (Someday I will find it and copy it into a format where I can reference it directly.) These times of solitude and silence don't present often enough, but at least on a daily basis I have been getting Word time and on a more frequent basis I am practicing and documenting prayer in my YouVersion app. That is, by the way, where I feel guilty praying for one thing and then not another.

Jesus, when You were limited by time and humanity, how did You make those choices?  I see that You took those times away.  Did You pray for Your apostles one by one? Did you pray for the cities and the people You had just left?  Did You anticipate Your next visit in prayer? 

Well, I see, Father, that it is now 9:37 a.m. and I probably need to (relative of the word "should") start with my ablutions.  After all this, I may end with the Prayer of Jabez from 1 Chronicles 4:10 

"Oh, that You would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let Your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain."

(Not really comfortable with the "free from pain" thing, although in a moment of pain, I am sure that I would be pleading for it.) 

I love You, Lord.

9:44 a.m.

Prayer for a Client's Mom

 Quickly, Father--it seems that K's mom, P, has a 50% probability that the breast lump is cancerous.  Please be merciful--of course, You are, and that is a silly prayer.  May both women handle this challenge with You, relying on Your grace, strength, and emotionally healthy strategies.  For YOU.  Amen.

An Urgent Nudge?

 Lord God, Great Physician, I have been feeling an urgent nudge to pray for Chris's NCLEX results.  I wish I had known he was taking the exam this week so that I could have prayed for him ahead of time and on the day of the test, but that only shows my poor understanding of You.  You are above time and will be gracious no matter when we pray.

And it is that graciousness that I am asking for Chris.  We both know--You and I--that his heart for helping others and serving You is at the root of our prayer for his success on the NCLEX.  Please be gracious to him, and to those whom he can serve better, by giving him a passing grade on it.  So much of his future is tied up in this test.  (Our daughter's future, and maybe ours, too.)

May You be honored by his success!  May Chris be an RN before long.  May many people be blessed by his healing skills.  In Jesus's name and Spirit~~Amen.

The Year for Peace

 I have chosen--and I would like to believe that You have put this on my heart--the theme of PEACE for 2023.  It is a curious choice given the various wars in the world and even the "cold" wars here in the United States.  Perhaps that is exactly why it is the perfect theme for me.

I promised that I would pray for my "boys."  Both of them are preparing for major exams for their professions.  How should I pray?  

This prayer is called a "Salesian prayer."  Fitting in many ways, because the Salesians, and their founder Don Bosco, "help[ed] poor children during the Industrial Revolution."  Both of my guys are of the same heart--to help the poor, and when possible, poor children.  

Lord, I know you are with me and love me.
Give me peace of mind as I prepare for this time of study.
Help me to focus on my books and notes,
keep me from all distractions so that I will make the best use
of this time that is available to me.
Give me insight that I might understand what I am studying ,
and help me to remember it when the time comes.
Above all, I thank you for the ability to be able to study
and for the many gifts and talents you have given me.
Help me always to use them in such a way
that they honour you and do justice to myself. Amen

I could not say this better.  In Jesus's name, Amen. 

May the Peace of Christ rule in *my* heart.  In a future post, I would love to begin collecting the many verses referencing peace that I have already encountered in 2023.

Tears for Tue's Salvation

 Father God, because Jesus told me to pray "Our Father," I wanted to "put a pin" in today's experience, which I believe came from You.  

The Journey had baptisms today. And I bawled. Even right now, tears have come to my eyes. I had an overwhelming "vision" that someday I would see Tue's baptism.  

Father, time is so short. I know that You are patient, not wanting any to perish but wanting all to come to repentance. (Where is that verse? I can remember what You say but not always where You say it.)

Got it!

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.  (2 Peter 3:9)

Please, Father God,  I am one of the "some" who see slowness in Your patience, but I cannot wish for You to be less slow when it comes to bringing Tue "to repentance." And thank you for the class today with the first through third graders and the wonderful questions and discussion that the baptism service provoked. So no, I won't be impatient.

But could You hurry, just a little, with Tue and these kids? Time is so short.

Grace All Around

My year of GRACE is winding down, but it is far from over yet.  By the notes on my phone's calendar, it is late in the 46th week of this 52-week year.  There have been several themes of grace that have caught my attention this year:

• Sufficient grace
• Amazing grace
• Grace and peace
• The grace of God
• Grace and knowledge (of our Lord Jesus Christ)
• Grace that is greater than all our sin
• Grace and truth
• Saving grace
• Abounding grace
• Glorious grace....

...and so on.  Lots of grace, especially in Paul's writings--and experience.  There were also more than a few times where "grace" was a verb, implying an action of grace.  I like that.

I am at the Toyota dealership for maintenance, and I admit to a lot of distraction, Lord.  Thank You for being gracious to me.

Good, Better, and Best

 Hi and good morning, God.  Not to become too familiar with You--but to become SO familiar with You, in another sense of the word!--I never want to lose the sense of awe and worship of Your greatness, holiness, and grace.  That's when I recede into the background and don't feel worthy of taking up Your time and attention.  But that is the grace; You welcome me into that place of familiarity with Royalty.  You.  And there are tears, always tears.  Even mow.

Thank You for sparing Amy and Chris on that turbulent flight through a tornado zone last night.  Thank You for guiding Tue's surgeons as they repair his ankle and sustaining Julie through hunger, waiting, and serving Tue.  Thank You for the slow and incremental progress in keeping my sarcastic snarkiness from my words to DH.  I have not yet refrained from them all, but I have noticed some slight improvement.

As I have puttered around the house this morning, doing little things here and there and finding more little and not-so-little things here and there (and everywhere), I found myself stuck on figuring out how to choose what is most important for the moment.  That is when I realized that my time to be with You in this place was slipping away from me.  DH is at the Men's Breakfast at church and will probably be coming home in 20-30 minutes.  The dog is outside hunting chipmunks; he and I have had breakfast; I have made some progress on cleaning off a horizontal desk surface in Julie's room (not total, but noticeable).  I am thinking ahead to -- gasp! -- less than three weeks until Thanksgiving!  It will be harder to plan for unknowable arrangements since Tue's recovery has just started; he and Julie may or may not be able to get here for the holiday.  But we will do everything in our power and ask for Your power to get them to NYC for Julie's birthday!

In the meantime, sweet God, what is most important for me to do to serve You today?

• I have a client at 11:30 a.m.
• I need to prepare to teach the PreK-K class (the ones I call the "Littles") tomorrow.
• I need to ... this might be less important for today but important soon--clean out or consolidate one more box and/or area in the Basement for a guest area.
• I need to do my nails.  

👋

Looking forward to worshipping You tomorrow, both with the congregation and in the classroom!  Love You so very much.  I am worried for the future, but You have it and You have me.  In Jesus's name~~Amen.

Absurdities and Other Things

 Lord God, the title "Absurdities" came to my mind earlier, perhaps last week, when I was in a conversation with someone at work.  He was "in charge" of assuring compliance with mask-wearing to mitigate the risks of spreading COVID in the hospital.  The twin absurdities were 1) he was not wearing his own surgical mask (63-75% effective) correctly and 2) he was giving me grief for wearing my KN-95 mask (94-95% effective) correctly.  "I don't know where you got that mask, if it is approved, if it is safe.  It is not authorized by the hospital."

See the absurdity?

In fact, on reflection, there are so many absurdities in the world at this point.  Blatant lies are pushed; wars are declared on flimsy projected grounds; lies are "true" and truth is not valued.  Is there any such thing as honor anymore?  Can anyone's word or promise--except Yours, of course--be trusted?  Is this how your prophets found the world and is this how they felt when they essentially shouted truth into their situations, only to be ignored or, worse yet, persecuted?  

That four-letter word: WILL.  Willfulness.  Opposite of willingness.  

Oh, God, soften my heart and make me *willing* to be corrected by You, taught by You, and disciplined by You.  Tolerating all of these absurdities is a strain on me.  In my own stubbornness, I think that sarcastically challenging someone's absurd belief--one quote similar to the one above mentioned "deluded"--will convince them that they are wrong, and they will cheerfully change their minds.  Yeah.  That has totally worked so far.

I am falling asleep here!  (Worcester Public Library--Volunteer reading, doctor's appointment, new hearing aid molds this afternoon.). 

Please intervene wonderfully in Tue's (and Julie's) life.  Broken ankle, torn Achilles--not even to mention our (Yours and mine) desire for his heart to be overcome by You.

Gonna go now, dear God.  Dear, dear God.  Are You frustrated these days?

Grace and Peace

( I rarely have a few moments when DH is not at home when I am; "working from home" has made it difficult for me to claim undisturbed time here.  Now I have a little time, thanks to a client cancellation this morning.  But DH wants us--Bailey and me--to visit him at the Harvest Fair on the grounds of the Holden Nursing Home/Oriol Health property.)

Lord, I started to title this post "Peace and Grace" because my annual theme has been grace but my devotional these past few days has addressed the theme of peace.  Then I remember that You often put grace and peace together in Your word.  I will end this post with one of those verses.  There are 17 in the Bible Gateway New Testament!  The first one, in Romans, reminds me of today's devotional, which highjacked me over to a few chapters in Romans.

To all in Rome who are loved by God and called to be his holy people: Grace and peaceto you from God our Father and from the Lord Jesus Christ. Romans 1:7

Grumbling and the Christian

I can't do this for as long as I want because I have an appointment in 41 minutes to donate platelets, but I still wanted to capture a thought:

This is from Pastor Tom's sermon last week, which I could not hear in full because I was teaching.  The point was so good that someone (Anna?) captured the clip and posted it.

https://fb.watch/fvkxZFOhpD/ 

I am still grappling with grumbling, and I encountered a situation today that tested me.  I drove around the Harrisburg AirBnB for perhaps 30 minutes looking for a parking space.  Oh, yeah, I was having some difficulty stepping back and seeing Your hand in the challenge.  But I did, and then the perfect parking space was provided.

More later?  DH is coming home, and he is a big reason for my grumbling attitude.

 

Every Day and All Over Again

 “If anybody starts talking to me about religious commitment, I may listen politely, but what I’d like to answer him with is a few monosyllables that don’t bear repeating here in the midst of the holy community. If you tell me Christian commitment is a thing that has happened to you once and for all like some kind of spiritual plastic surgery, I say go to, go to, you’re either pulling the wool over your own eyes or trying to pull it over mine. Every morning you should wake up in your beds and ask yourself: ‘Can I believe it all again today?’ No, better still, don’t ask it till after you’ve read The New York Times, till after you’ve studied that daily record of the world’s brokenness and corruption, which should always stand side by side with your Bible. Then ask yourself if you can believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ again for that particular day. If your answer’s always Yes, then you probably don’t know what believing means. At least five times out of ten the answer should be No because the No is as important as the Yes, maybe more so. The No is what proves you’re a man in case you should ever doubt it. And then if some morning the answer happens to be really Yes, it should be a Yes that’s choked with confession and tears and… great laughter. Not a beatific smile, but the laughter of wonderful incredulity.” 

(Frederick Buechner, The Return of Ansel Gibbs p. 303-304)

I'm Sad

Good morning, Lord.  I am in a hotel room isolating from DH because *he* has COVID and he is really bad at isolating.  Since You already know my heart, I may as well confess that I have called him an idiot and a moron, but thankfully only in my thoughts.  I am angry at him for being careless.  I feel put-upon and inconvenienced and, frankly, threatened with illness: "It's not that bad.  You are being ridiculous."  But he is sick, and I am not.  I am also the oldest, with the most complex picture of medical conditions, and the one with the most responsible duties over the next weeks.  

Lord God, I get so distracted!  Please focus my mind to serve today in Kids' Church and to lead Huddle.  Please place a guard around me, and especially around my thoughts, because I can get VERY snarky and downright mean.  

Solomon's prayer for discernment has stuck with me.  (Funny how You pick the right words at the right times....)

So give Your servant an understanding heart [or "a heart that listens"] to judge Your people, to discern between good and evil.

The NIV says, "to distinguish between right and wrong." Yeah, that.  In these days of gaslighting and outright lying, this is such a needed gift from You.

Frederick Büechner died.  Max Lucado shared one of his quotes, noting that there may be so many great thoughts from which to choose.  The upshot is that if we pay attention to the broken and corrupt world around us, we might--no, we will--waver.  Each day we need to choose to believe *and apply* the Gospel. Today.  In this situation.  Now.  In my life.

Yes.  Amen. 

Irritated or Valid?

God!!  I am calling out to You because I am frustrated and stuck.  I have tried and I am trying to be patient and forbearing with DH.  It is not going well.  I feel like a popped balloon when he says something that provokes me.  It just hits me the wrong way, and my mouth responds.

He is not good at conflict resolution.  That isn't very unusual with husbands, at least as far as I know.  The quick return to cooperation and reconciliation appears in the research, too.  Then why am I feeling that the underlying issue remains active and unresolved?

I try to get into his skin, to feel his discouragement at working in high-stress and fast-paced IT.  I try to understand his desire to slow down and enjoy life and hobbies.  I am not empathic in the sense of feeling similarly; I am a more driven person, a more mission-oriented person, and ... what? a more professional person?  I have a profession that is more than just a job from which I can retire.  There is much more work to be done, and I have the professional skills and experience to help with that work.

And the issue of RESPECT.  Oh, my.  That is a trigger word and a trigger concept for me.  Boy, I don't feel understood by him.  I have known for years, perhaps decades, that projection is one of his primary defenses (think Freud's defense mechanisms).  In the sense that You, God, say that we are to treat others as we want to be treated, that isn't a terrible defense.  In the sense that it is usually negative unwanted feelings and traits that are projected, it isn't really the case.  In the sense that DH usually assumes that I want what he actually wants, without respect for my actual desires and traits, it is frustrating, annoying, and disrespectful.  How often have I said lately, with annoyance, "Do you actually know me?  Listen to me?

I have to go now.  There is more to say, and much more to pray about, and I will.  Please help me.  

Struggle

God, even though I try to push away my annoyance and I try to be gracious, I am not succeeding.  It seems like so many things--TOO many things--irritate me.  Is this a mood disorder or is it a spiritual disorder?

I am redoing the Dangerous Prayers devotional in YouVersion.   (The Craig Groeschel version).  I even find myself annoyed by the lame prayers that DH prays, and the comfortable lukewarm-ness of our lives.  Yet--it is comfortable, and I don't really know if I could give it up.

So the Scripture that sticks in my mind is Psalm 139.  Instead of just cutting and pasting, I am going to enter it intentionally and manually to help it stay on my heart:

Psalm 139:23

    Search me, God, and know my heart;

    test me and know my anxious thoughts.

    See if there is any offensive way in me,

    and lead me in the way everlasting.

Yeah, that is a dangerous prayer.  I am anxious; there is a lot about which to be anxious in the world right now.  I am offensive in several ways.  Those statements are not excuses.  They are confessions.  Hence, the title of this post--Struggle!  

I get frustrated when people are stupid and willfully blind.  I get angry when people, especially in Your church, God, are so unloving.  I get sad when those who observe Christianity from the outside do not see genuine Godliness but frank hypocrisy.  

Struggle!  Personally, spiritually, relationally--help me.  Tears are in my eyes right now.  I need to get ready to help others (my client today) and to get some money for that help (billing--haha).  I am distracted, I think psychologically because these topics are hard, deep, and sensitive.

But I genuinely want to pray dangerously but courageously.  Use me, Lord, and refine me no matter how painful it might be.  I want to mean that.  You did.

Deepest Parts of My Heart

I live in a kind of fear that the deepest parts of my heart will be revealed and not handled respectfully and gently.  I know that "Perfect love casts out fear," and I also know that there is no perfect love apart from You.  I am not (yet) made perfect in love because I still fear.

So, here goes, at least here with You.  I feel quite alone--no, that is not really true--I feel incompletely understood.  I know my husband "loves" me in the way that he knows how to love, and I know his love language is all about acts of service.  I know that he is not a philosopher-thinker.  He relies heavily on those in religious authority to direct him, sometimes not thinking critically about issues, and other times showing glimmers and glimpses of deeper comprehension.  For me, this is exhausting.  May I say these things without judgment?  (This is where I fear punishment.)

• I think more quickly than he does.
• I think more completely than he does.
• I have a better command of vocabulary and some science than he does.
• I am more generous than he is--and he is plenty generous!

Another area of sensitivity is our sexual relationship. He has moderate to severe erectile dysfunction, and the sildenafil (Viagra) does not work well.  He refused to address this problem for months, perhaps even more than a year.  I have my own sexual performance problems with prolapses interfering with several functional routes, but no matter how I try to explain my issues, he reacts with what feels to me like disgust.  It took us 20 years to figure out that I was not having orgasms, and now he seems to believe that it is a formula--same stimulation, same location, same irritation of much more delicate tissue in that area.  I recently had what felt like a urinary tract infection directly after intercourse, which might have resulted from another issue.  (More on that in another location.). Kissing is unpleasant.  He has a severe dental overbite that makes kissing "sloppy" and leaves me wiping my mouth.  I don't think that is how it is supposed to be.

We just celebrated 35 years of marriage.  We went to our daughter's home in Harrisburg, and in keeping with our tradition of being on the water every five years, we were "on" the Susquehanna River, or two blocks away.  We served; he did a lot of work around the townhouse, and I cooked, cleaned, and shopped.  That is what we do.  And we usually do it together.

Ah, dear Lord.  You are my refuge!  You know me in the innermost parts of my heart.  Nothing is secret from You, and I am glad that I can be honest without fear in Your love because Your love is perfect and casts out my fear.  I have to go now.  (Maybe in more ways than one.)

Memory Verse Review

These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart.  You shall teach them diligently to your sons [children] and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.  Deuteronomy 6:6-7

One of my favorite verses!  I consider it a mission statement of sorts for Children's Ministry as well.  

May it be true in my life, Lord God--in everything I do, may I "teach them diligently" Your words as I keep Your words on my own heart.