This Moment in History

 Good evening, Adonai.  You are still in control, and I need the reminder during these times of abject disobedience, idolatry, and, if I may call it out, evil.  Yes, evil.  Sometimes I wonder if I am living in the times described in Scripture, where deception is the norm.  Where is that Scripture?

Although I am unsure about trusting AI, it does give me a place to start:

• Matthew 24:24 For false messiahs and false prophets will appear and perform great signs and wonders to deceive, if possible, even the elect.
• Mark 13:22 For false messiahs and false prophets will appear and perform signs and wonders to deceive, if possible, even the elect.
• 1 Timothy 4:1-2 The Spirit clearly says that in later times some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits and things taught by demons.  Such teachings come through hypocritical liars, whose consciences have been seared as with a hot iron.
• 2 Timothy 3:1-5 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days.  People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God--having a form of godliness but denying its power, 
  
  Have nothing to do with such people.

Oh, my God.  It really is hopeless.  This *is* happening because it was foretold.   

Give me strength to stand firm in these times, Abba.  Let my heart remain steadfast and allow my eyes to see You clearly.  I do not want to be deceived, and I take You at Your word.  "If possible" strongly suggests that it is not possible.  I am secure in You!  May all the beloved members of my family also be safe in You as well.

Amen.

"Zechariah invites us to look above the chaos and hope for God's Kingdom to come, motivating faithfulness in the present moment.  That's the challenge Zechariah offers to all generations of God's people."  (from The Bible Project's Guide to Zechariah, The Big Idea)

Yahweh, Adonai, I know I need to spend time alone with You in the times when DH is not here, because I often just fall apart.  I did with this quote while I thought I was going to "learn" more about Zechariah and You.

There is so much chaos in this country and in the world right now,  My heart is in a constant state of lament.  I accept Zechariah's invitation to hope for Your kingdom to come and I accept his invitation to faithfulness in the present moment.  What does that look like specifically, Lord, for me?   I am terrified, horrified, and frankly (and probably only partially righteously) enraged (bigger than angry!) about the failure of those people whom I love and trust--or trusted.

Your kingdom come, Your will be done.  Preserve Your remnant of faithful ones, Abba, as You have always done, and may I be counted among them.  By the radical and challenging Spirit of Your counter-cultural Son, Jesus~~Amen. 

Alas, Sovereign Lord!

Indeed, these words reflect how I feel these days, Abba.  Alas, alas! I am grieved and concerned for the condition of my beloveds' hearts--not so much the ones nearest to me, but so many in the middle and outer concentric circles.

I am also exhausted in so many ways and in so many facets of my life.  Just to capture some of them, to bring some order to the chaotic bombardment of my life:

• My mother's recent diagnosis of cancer
• The family decisions regarding her estate and the division of her assets
• My husband's skepticism and inability to understand the legal and practical reasoning underlying these decisions, despite many attempts to explain
• My sister's complicated and ambivalent relationship with the situation of supporting our mother and her conscious or subconscious expectation for compensation.  (She will deny this vigorously, but this dilemma seems to be there.)
• My in-laws' and my husband's hurtful decisions to refuse to attend our (and their) niece's gay wedding on religious grounds.  There is SO much division around this issue, Abba!  In my own reasoning, I chose love.  I do not understand all the Biblical and political ramifications of the subject; I honestly chose to attend to express love to my niece and to keep doors open to relationship with me and hopefully with You.  I don't want to sound too super-spiritual or sanctimonious about this, but simply stated, that's about it.
• My upcoming arbitration hearing sometime in October 2025 (October 17th is in my calendar).  Abba, sometimes I selfishly fantasize about a financial settlement from a favorable decision.  I also remind myself that a favorable decision is not guaranteed.  May Your will be done and may You be honored and glorified by whatever decision is made.
• My second-to-last CAGS course.  Please, Lord God, use this knowledge to bless Your people and to bless the world in Your name.  I can feel some of the stress already, but I know (not sure how I know, but we will talk about that later) that this is Your plan for me to finish this decade of my life.

I love You, Abba Lord!  The world is a big hot mess, and I keep hearing themes of Your disappointment, anger, discipline, and punishment in, with, and of Your people in my current Scripture readings.  Either earlier in Ezekiel or in Lamentations, I recall a prayer to hear what You were saying.  

As he spoke, the Spirit came into me and raised me to my feet, and I heard him speaking to me. (Ezekiel 2:2)

Spirit, come into me, and may I hear You speaking to me the word of the Lord for me. 

Testifying to Love When It's Hard

Beloved Adonai, I am sitting in a beautiful cabin in Viola, Wisconsin, with my daughters and their husbands asleep upstairs.  (You know this already, of course!)  My niece Parlee is getting married today.  The kicker, which You also know already, is that she is lesbian.

How did homosexuality become the most mortal of mortal "sins" for conservative American Christians?  It seems to me, as it has for a long time, that the shunning of gay people is akin to the Amish shunning of those who are apostate.  In an AI overview, shunning is "a form of church discipline involving social avoidance of excommunicated members."  Curiously to my limited understanding of You and Your ways, this exclusion of gay people from the very opportunity to meet You -- an opportunity that I always understood to be Your desire for everyone, regardless of their sexual orientation or any other difference in their lives -- keeps them from the one and only influence that (if necessary) could address their deepest need for You!! 

(As an aside, and somewhat jokingly, I ask why in Heaven's name did You give us humans that partnership in drawing people to You?  We are making such a mess of it.)

I will leave this post open because I have a bunch of random thoughts and recollections about this subject and the experience of discussing this with my family, including my sons-in-law.  I will need to process this for a long time with You.  In the meantime, please bless Parlee and Emily as I would pray that You would bless anyone else on their day of commitment of love to each other.

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You will note that my own husband is not here with us.  That is one of the worst and most troubling features of this situation for me.

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I find it difficult, Adonai, to set aside time to read and write.  I will probably have more trouble once my class starts in a couple of weeks.  But in my thoughts come ideas and maybe some communication from You that I wish I could grasp and commemorate in writing.

That said, I had several amazing and profound conversations this weekend with my daughters and with their husbands.  Right now, my own mother is on the phone, mostly because it is my birthday!  I will come back later.

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New day, new plan: flight delays occasioned by weather issues.  

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Abba Adonai, I--no, let me put the focus on You.  YOU did some work this weekend in the younger generation in our little nuclear family, at least as far as I can tell.  The troubling thing that I may as well admit to You, because You already know this, involves my DH.  I was shocked at the intensity of the reaction to his decision to "hold to his convictions."  I cannot, of course, share this experience with him.  In fact, my conversation with him yesterday concerned me.  He would, of course, deny my interpretations and impressions of his statements.  Here, Abba, may I share what I felt?  What I "heard"?

• DH became defensive when I approached the topics of concern to our children regarding the family's rejection of their gay cousin's marriage.  
• DH was fishing for uncomplimentary reports of the wedding.
• DH was also fishing for uncomplimentary reports of his sister's ... well, everything.  Behavior, appearance, plans, attitudes.
• DH misunderstood at least some of the interactions in the phone call of earlier in July.  Specifically, he seemed to miss the meaning and the origin of the statement by our son-in-law Tue about "never becoming a Christian."  He (DH) believed that Tue had reacted to my pre-marriage letter to him expressing my desire for him (Tue) to know the saving gospel.  You know, Father, that my heart was not malicious.  Even Tue acknowledged that motivation in the early July phone call and again this weekend with me.  Yet, when DH presented his misunderstanding that blamed me for that statement, I wavered in my recollection.  The gaslighting effect, I think.  It remains hard for me to have such different points of view from DH.  Aren't we supposed to be in unity?
• Our daughters and their husbands are so disappointed in him.  Tue is specifically and self-admittedly angry at him.  Toward me, they seem pleased and proud of me.  I had to dissuade them from too much praise, from putting me on a pedestal.  I feel awkward about their positive feedback at the same time that I am thrilled to have this connection with them.

I feel like crying over this situation, but it will ruin my makeup and I need to leave soon to return the rental car.  It might be a good idea to wrap up this entry, but I know I need to do more reflection and meditation on these issues.

Abba God, help us all.

Testify to Truth

 

Abba God, Adonai, I am (like Jesus, a little bit) anticipating the upcoming hearing with hostile questioners and a possibly or probably unsympathetic "arbiter."  May I honor You by speaking only the truth and speaking the truth in love?  These past years -- I have lost count of them -- have been difficult and still, through all of it, I have "lived in the goodness of God" as we sang at church this morning.  I sensed that the attorney (Alex) wanted a less spiritual answer to his question about what I wanted from this hearing and the preceding situation.  You have been faithful, and despite the dance steps it took to achieve things like retirement, insurance, unemployment, and even employment, today I can reflect on having more than I had before.  What I want is the chance to make the relationship right, to apologize, to offer grace and consolation to a person who was offended by my inadvertent behavior.  Not what he was expecting!  (I also expect that mine was a mere toothpick of a straw that broke the back of an offended person already carrying the heavier straws of many previous offenses.)

My heart wants above all else to glorify you in this interaction.  In my own nature, I am prone to rambling, being sarcastic, speaking impulsively, and generally making a mess of the situation.  Keep a watch on my words?  May your will be done.  If there is any recompense of any sort, You will get a portion of it.  That is not a bribe; that is my offering if there is to be justice and grace on behalf of a person who felt that I had been disrespectful to her religion and her culture.

What a time to be alive, Lord God.  May I hear You with my deaf ears and see You with my weak eyes, watching out for the confounding noises and optical illusions that sometimes hide You.  Amen!

Your Will Be Done

 "It is You alone who are to be feared.

Who can stand before You when You are angry?

From heaven You pronounced judgment,

and the land feared and was quiet--

when You, God, rose up to judge,

to save all the afflicted of the land.

Surely Your wrath against mankind brings You praise,

and the survivors of Your wrath are restrained." 

Psalms 78:7-10

Oh, Abba, I am a little afraid, a little anxious, a little intimidated.  I know and I believe with all my heart that nothing can compare with You or compete with You.  This upcoming arbitration is my attempt to secure justice, such as I understand it in my limited experience.  If I am wrong, let me accept Your will and Your justice.  I know in Scripture that You do not always (or even often) intervene on my time or on my terms in unjust situations.  BUT--Your people remain faithful.  I want that to be me!  No matter what happens, I want to trust You, not lose heart, keep on, and I want over all for You to be honored and glorified.  You have already been gracious to me; I have more than enough, and my new work is very fulfilling.  

TLC just referenced the "bruised reed" that You will not break.  That hit a tender place in my heart; I have felt like a bruised reed.  

Your will be done--Amen.

I Have Been Listening, Too

God my Father, twice in The Chosen (Season 4 Episode 6, 1 hour mark; Season 5, I need to pin it down) Mary Magdalene is told by Jesus that she hurts inside "because you have been listening."  I think I have been listening, too, and I hurt inside.  (John also "listens" in Season 5; I will find that one also.)

In addition, as I listen to TLC on TBR, something said in commentary about the Scriptures of the day strikes my heart chords.  I think that I am seeing more as I mature that Scripture is indeed timeless, and the times in which we are living are as evil as any of those evil times in the Bible.  

*Evil kings got to reign in their evilness for many years.

*The discernment of the righteous people can be, and usually is, both obvious and subtle.  This ambiguity makes it difficult at times to choose rightly and scares me about failing to discern Your ways and to choose them rightly in my life.

*The religious leaders in The Chosen, and Judas, and many of my own beloveds and acquaintances seem to be missing the point.  How is that?  How is it that I feel so confident that I am NOT missing the point?  (Our recent teaching series at church is helping quite a bit with discerning the point, and yet the sneakiness of so-called good lies is convincing much of the time.)

*"The word of the LORD to ________ was fulfilled."  The sometimes-future fulfillment of Your word is certain; the waiting for it is harder than I expected it to be.

*Tue's confession, or confrontation, to me last week took my breath away and at the same time seemed courageous and truth-filled.  "Intent vs. impact."  How is it that an "unbeliever" has so much wisdom?  Is he an unbeliever in You or in the (possibly) false religion currently promoted by many who claim to be Your followers?

Prayer: Abba, my "yerno" is in not a little danger from the insane deportation policies of the current presidential administration.  Your people are not strangers to such dangers; David comes to mind, and most of Your apostles died the deaths of martyrs.  History itself is replete with examples of what we mere humans would consider Divine injustice, and we often blame You.  (Today's news about flooding in Texas at the cost of many lives, including little girls from a Christian summer camp....)

But Jesus's example in Gethsemane inspires me to ask: If it is Your will, spare us all the trauma of having him detained and deported, please.  

And heal his shoulder--although I wonder if it is serving a purpose right now.

I have a beagle begging right now.  I love You,

A Sense of Impending Doom

 Threat of nuclear war; senseless and irrational (probably many illegal) deportations; makings of economic hardship if not ruin; family divisions.

It's a great life, Father.

Some things that I have been hearing from various sources in the recent past are these: "You will be going into a hostile world," "You will be hated and persecuted." "In this world you will have trouble."  

Proverbs 30:1 says (in part), "I am weary, O God; I am weary, O God, and worn out."    Yeah.  Me, too, Agur.  Me, too.  I would choose the word "exhausted" sometimes.  The barrage of bad things and that sense of dread that my title suggests are exhausting.  I feel quite lonely much of the time.  The commentator (TLC from TBR) said it well in her commentary.  

If you aren't already, expect that you'll start seeing things soon that bother you because of how they misrepresent God and His Word.  The hard part (I might take exception to there being only one hard part) is staying humble when we encounter those things and not acting like we're smarter than the person who posted (or said or believed) it.

I am bothered.  I am angry.  I am deeply and profoundly sad.  I am frustrated that some people choose willful blindness and rejection of truth.

But then, why?  Hasn't it been this way since Jesus, and probably even before Him in Old Testament times?

Keep me humble, Abba.  Make me humble.  I know, or at least I believe I know, some things that are undeniably true and undeniably You.  The thing that can shake me is the accusation that maybe I am being deceived into believing these things and that they are distortions of Your truth.  See the circular reasoning here?  

You said, "I am."  "I am that I am."  You are!  You are the Way, THE TRUTH, and the life.  There is no other refuge but You, even when that refuge does not feel like earthly protection.

It is still well with my soul!

Relationships Are Hard

 Save me from my emerging hatred, Lord, for those who are peddling outright, blatant, damaging, and irrational lies to people who are being misled over a proverbial cliff to destruction.  Unless You "hate" them, too, Lord, I cannot escape the command to love everyone, even them.  

Or is that not true?

Psalm 5:5 says, "You hate all evildoers," or "You hate all who do injustice," or "You hate all who do wrong."  (Depending on the version)  I don't want to take these words out of context or out of consideration of Your character, feeling justified in my hatred.  Please help me to balance this apparent contradiction in concert with Your will and Your nature.

This is hard!  I get SO angry.  As I am walking again through Scripture, I see more and more two things:

1. You get angry much more often than I previously believed.  I think I bought the version of You as a benevolent, always-easily-forgiving Papa who did not impose discipline on Your wayward ones.  That appears to have been a false teaching.
2. Your people disobey and disrespect You much more often than I previously believed, too.  Sometimes humanity looks positively hopeless.  I wrestle with the ineffectiveness of disciplinary actions and natural consequences, and I try to reconcile the hardheartedness of humans with the stance toward free will--and freedom to love and obey You--that You have.  

As an aside, but not really, I want and need to pray hard for Amy and Christopher.  Their lives are intricately intertwined with those of immigrants and immigration issues.  I confess to fear, even terror, on behalf of Christopher directly and Amy indirectly, Abba.  I am at a loss for words regarding what to pray, but in these situations, "Your will be done" may be the most appropriate prayer to offer, even if it is the most difficult one to say.  (Just ask Jesus.)  Still, in the spirit of Jesus, "May the cup (of immigration detention and deportation) pass from [us.]"  For Amy, I ask for the strength to manage the stress of the constant changes surrounding international students, their visas, the prejudices they face, and the pressures on many, if not all, institutions of higher education.

Restore relationships according to Your will, Abba.  Is there not a verse prophesying divided relationships?  Yes, there is.

I've come to start a fire on this earth--how I wish it were blazing right now!  I've come to change everything, turn everything right side up--how I long for it to be finished!  Do you think I came to smooth things over and make everything nice? Not so.  I've come to disrupt and confront!  From now on, when you find five in a house, it will be--Three against two, and two against three; Father against son, and son against father; Mother against daughter and daughter against mother; Mother-in-law against bride, and bride against mother-in-law. (Luke 12:49-53)     

Probably time to go, Abba.  I will try to focus on something Godly and productive today.  As I said in the title of this post, relationships are hard, even more so in these weird and frankly evil times.  Save us, God, from ourselves, and protect the vulnerable.  These times beg for You to show up with miracles to make Yourself known.  Let me partner with You in that task!

Amen and amen.
 

A Quick Minute

 "But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;

I had nearly lost my foothold.

For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked."  

(Psalms 73:1)

"Therefore pride is their necklace;

They clothe themselves with violence.

From their callous hearts comes iniquity;

their evil imaginations have no limits.

They scoff, and speak with malice;

with arrogance they threaten oppression."

(Psalms 73:7-8)

Ouch.

Saul like Trump, Trump like Saul

Father, I have a few rapid-response items that I have wanted and still want to address with You. Sometimes, I get going and forget to return to some of them.

• Decision to go to Parlee and Emily's wedding
• Amy and Christopher and the serious threat to his immigration status
• My own marriage and simmering discontent and resentment
• (This one brought me to tears.)
• Frustration around my husband's shallowness and disinterest in what I consider very important things (I am saying this bluntly and not carefully)
• Not understanding the complex political, economic, and spiritual forces at work in the world right now.

Abba, Grammarly evaluated this writing as sounding "sad and gloomy."  They are probably right.

So, I titled this post "Saul like Trump." In some ways, mainly looking at Saul's later reign, they are remarkably similar, although Saul's early experiences were better than Trump's.  DJT has been a scoundrel for all of his recorded life.  I have to remind myself often (but not often enough) that You nonetheless love him and grieve...I am pausing here because this word choice surprises me and reminds me of TBR's point in the commentary today...his sinfulness.  There, I said it.  It may sound judgmental.  Is it?  Alternatively, it might be exactly right -- he is grievously sinful.

But we--I--know that You are God and Yours is the victory.  The only place I want to be, whether it is "safe" in the traditional definition of the word, is with You, in You, around You (now real tears).  Back to Saul's kingship, I note with some chagrin that despite Your grief over his sinfulness and Your anger at him, You allowed him to remain in place for a while.

Eesh.

I am also angry with the corrupt enablers of this man.  Some of them even claim to be Your followers.  My head wants to explode with this realization.  I also want to remain humble and to be receptive to Your correction, being certain that it does come from You and not from some hypocritical people who claim to speak for You.  (Dang, I sound bad.  I don't know how not to sound bad, and mad, given how I feel.)

Come, Lord Jesus!  Teach me in the meantime how to be a good ambassador for You in this hostile world.

You know I love You, right?

A Psalm of Lament

 O LORD, my foundation and my salvation, why are You allowing such wickedness to continue and even to grow?

We know that You are God; Yours is the victory.

Why, then, may I ask timidly, are You allowing so many battles to be lost?

What do You want me, and Your faithful people, to do?

I cry out in the depths of my spirit for revival and for repentance.

I struggle with anger and outrage and deeply profound grief and sadness.

I fear--yes, I fear--for the future of my beloveds and for the future of this country.

I feel hopeless and helpless in the face of this onslaught of lies, defiance, hatefulness, and upside-downism.

I know that there is always hope when You are present and working.  I remind myself of this blessed truth often because the overwhelming darkness threatens this spark of light.

Abba LORD, I am privileged to call You my Father and my God.  I do not understand Your ways.  

I will, however, put all my trust and hope in You.

There is no one else.

God's Battle

 Starting the Book of Joshua today--the Bible Project review had a line that jumped out at me:

"Rather, this is God's battle."

How often--almost constantly, Abba--I forget this truth.  It is something I need to remind myself of all the time.  I also need to remind myself that obedience to Your commands sometimes requires that I do nothing but wait and trust (and worship--as the story of Jericho shows), and at other times, it
requires that I actively work, participate, and fight in the battle.  May I listen and discern Your voice increasingly well so I know which times are which!

My prayer:  

O Lord, my God, how powerful are You!  You are the Master Strategist in the planning and execution of this great battle between You and the forces of evil and darkness.  Let me be a faithful and obedient participant in Your army, a well-trained and well-disciplined soldier, serving in any and every capacity to which You assign me.  Most of all, Lord God, may my character reflect You as an ambassador of Your Kingdom.

In the meantime, Abba, there is much work in preparation and recruitment.  I pray for the soul and heart of my first son-in-law, whose character often shows more Godliness and Christian virtue than many who name Your name!  I pray for my daughters and for the new son-in-law, who is especially vulnerable as an immigrant and a brown one at that, to this nation.  I also pray for this nation and its leaders, who do not seem to me to be following You or Your commands and yet are followed by many who claim to be Your followers.  Lastly, and not least importantly, I pray for my heart and character.  I see harsh edges and unattractive characteristics in myself that I feel helpless to change.  Of course--because this is Your battle in my heart!

Are You Angry, God?

 Are You angry, Abba?  In today's Bible reading and the "God Shot" requested in response, my own God Shot involved Your anger at Your rebellious, complaining, disobedient, greedy (I could go on here) people.  "Separate yourselves from this assembly so I can put an end to them at once."  That's pretty mad.  Then You opened up a sinkhole and a flash fire that consumed them.  

May You never be that angry with me!  May I never do anything that makes You that angry with me!

But I probably do make You that angry, and I probably have done things that make You that angry.  Abba, thank You for Jesus.  Thank You that He stood between me and Your justified wrath because of Your (plural) great love--love that was greater than Your wrath.  Did He come to die?  Not only to die, because everyone dies, but also and so importantly to pay with His death for my sins and then to conquer death by returning to life!!

Back to the anger, though~You have every right in Your righteousness to be enraged with us.  I will stand in prayer for myself (which Jesus did NOT have to do) and for my fellow people, especially those who claim to be in Your family, because if I don't commit to do that, I would also be enraged.  I am enraged.  Calm me, Abba, and keep me in Your perfect peace.  Amen.

God Shot for Joseph

 Abba, even though I pray and listen to You every day (thank You for TBR), I wish I could write to You every day.  Writing captures my thoughts much better than the swirl of words and feelings and weirdness in my head.  It seems reasonable to think that You value the capture of words, too, since the Word is so important to You.

Having just finished Genesis with the history of Joseph, I was reminded of my own false-accusation experience.  

• Despite having done nothing wrong, Joseph and I were found guilty without a true recounting of events.
• Despite our motives being Godly, Joseph and I were accused of having inappropriate and harmful intentions.
• Despite Your power, Abba, Joseph and I wait for a long time for -- would it be called exoneration?  Or would it be more accurate to use the word "restoration"?

But I am not quite as Godly, or maybe as mature in my faith in You, as Joseph was, Abba.  I also don't have a lot of confidence that I will be either exonerated or restored.  But I will still praise You, worship You, and serve You.  Many of Your "best" servants went to their graves, either shortly or after a long life, being wrongly judged.  

Ah, Abba.  In what times we live!  Yet I will remain steadfast.  You are my rock, my fortress, my hiding place, my confidence.

Jesus, come quickly!  Not too quickly, because there are many left to rescue.  But I do want You to come soon, with Your Spirit working hard to encourage those still unbelieving to put their lives into Your hands.

(You know who I mean~~)

Amen.

My Psalm

My soul waits in silence for God alone;
From Him come my salvation and my hope.
2 He alone is my rock and my salvation, not the powers of the world,
He is My stronghold; I will not be greatly shaken.

How long, O Lord my God, will evil triumph?
How long will injustice, untruth, and hypocrisy flourish?

I grieve, O Lord.  I lament the unholiness of people--Your people.

Yet why would I expect more from fickle mankind?

I set my heart and my soul on You.

You are the only stable and good foundation.

I know my own fickleness, my own hypocrisy.

I throw myself on Your merciful discipline, O God.

You have spoken [c]once;
[d]Twice I have heard this:
That power belongs to You;
12 And faithfulness is Yours, Lord,
For You reward a person according to his work.

(borrowed in part from Psalm 62)

Exhaustion

•  Debbie died on January 10, 2025. This morning, I cried unexpectedly. The good memory -- not really a memory but more an imagination -- brought to mind a picture of a young, healthy Debbie enjoying a garden in heaven.
• I am happily exhausted from my work. There are *so* many people who want to talk, to feel better. Abba, I am not the savior or the healer; You are! Please use me as a vessel of Your blessing.
• The presidential inauguration was this week. The nation is only three days into this presidency and already there have been multiple disastrous decisions. Please, Abba, allow me the grace to pray for this leader (who is not leading very wisely, or positively. or graciously) and to rest in Your leadership. I am a citizen of Your country.

I will end now because my brain isn't focusing well right now. Until next time, Abba, remember I love You.  :)

Heaviness of Heart

Abba! My sister Debbie is dying.  

I intellectually knew that fact both times I saw her recently, and now that fact is powerfully present in real-time, most likely within hours. I have no regrets about seeing her recently, even though she likely had little, if any, idea or appreciation that I was there. 

Still, there are a couple of memories from those visits.  On the first day, when she did focus for a millisecond on my face, she blurted out, "You look like my sister."  💔  Later in the same visit but on the next day, she caught sight of my face again and commented, "You look wonderful today!"

Really?  LOL!

Maybe not.  Maybe her dementia affects her vision and her judgment.  But whatever the explanation, I will cherish those comments.

I will also remember with affection the time spent with her grandchildren.  I hurt for them and for their father in this loss.  I don't believe I can fill her place, and I don't believe it is an appropriate role for me to assume.  I do believe that there may be a role I can fill, and I will wait for Your direction.

Debbie

 It seems a little stupid, Abba, to include things You already know in this post as prayer. I ask You to indulge me because You may know my thoughts and motivations, but sometimes, I don't.

I am returning from a long weekend in Michigan with Debbie and, to a lesser extent but not a lesser significance, Bobby. I was reflecting on the significance of Bob's reply text to me yesterday: "Thank you for the respite and help."  My reflection involved the difficulty of communicating how that word hit me without sounding both, or either, picayune or arrogant. The respite aspect felt quite accurate, though. Being with her was hard, both physically and emotionally. She cannot rest; the psychomotor agitation is pronounced and exhausting for her and for those caring for her.

I appreciated Joe's company and his interventions with her a lot. He is a good and decent man--some might be surprised by that characterization! One of the most surprising things for me was his desire to attend Catholic Mass at the Notre Dame Basilica, formally known as the Basilica of the Sacred Heart. A second surprise was the presence of some Bible verse decorations at his AirBnB. I could be wrong, but I see a ramping up of Your work in his life, Abba!

Here I capture some of my thoughts about Debbie and her situation:

• She is so bruised from her falls. It seems nearly impossible to keep her from falling without physically restricting or restraining her. Even with constant accompaniment, she is unstable with her ambulation, and now I see something (You brought me to it)--->
• "Dementia posturing" or an interaction between dorsal kyphosis and dementia. Oh, Father God, Please relieve Deb's suffering!
• Mom is suffering almost as much as, perhaps more than, Debbie. I don't even know what to ask on Mom's behalf, Father. You of all people know too painfully well what it is like to see Your child suffering and not doing anything about it--whether by inability or by choice, it is heartbreaking either way. Oh, God, bring Your peace!

The flight is readying for boarding. Bobby was so gracious in getting me priority status!  

Amen for now. Love You!

Nothing Makes Sense

Father God, I feel like I am living in an upside-down world.  I realize that much of Jesus's teaching is upside-down--the last shall be first, to save my life I must lose it, love my enemies, and others--but the events of this year and this US election take the idea to a terrible new place.  Evil appears to be triumphing, incompetence is a requirement for government appointment, immorality and sin are celebrated, and knowledge is devalued.  I don't understand.

My own prayer practice has taken a hit because I don't know how, or what, to pray.  I am mature enough (!) to know that You do not always (and maybe rarely) answer my prayers with the answer that I think is right.  So now the question for me is this: What are You doing?  How can I catch a glimpse or an outline of the plan that You are working out?  Knowing that "You cannot be stopped," I take a deep breath and grasp Your truth and the history of Your work in the world.  You have rarely, if ever, done things in a way that "makes sense."  Of course, Your ways are not our ways, nor are Your thoughts our thoughts.

In my current reading in Galatians, I see Paul's annoyance with the people in Galatia.  Haha--I think I know how he felt.  What I hear is this: "How on earth can you believe these falsehoods?  What are you trying to prove?" In so many ways, I see the Church of today (early 21st century) being deceived by very similar heresy.  And I am, like Paul, annoyed.  

And I, unlike Paul, am afraid.  I am afraid for my almost son-in-law, an immigrant from El Salvador.  I am afraid for my daughters and their young families, perhaps including grandchildren someday.  I am afraid for the dear immigrant believers in our Church.  I am afraid for this country and for the principles of truth and virtue and freedom under which it was founded.

Abba, accept my fear.  Please also accept my surrender to You and what You are doing in this upside-down world.  Please hear my prayers, spoken and unspoken, for my loved ones and for those with whom I am "annoyed."  In obedience to Your command, please attend to my prayer for those in authority in government, both the current president and the president-elect.  May they both seek You in the performance of their heavy duties and know Your wisdom in their decisions about the serious matters facing the country and the world.

I will not be afraid!

Grieving and Still Hoping

 Good morning, Abba.  "I am thankful before You, {my} living and enduring King, for You have mercifully restored my soul within me.  Great is Your faithfulness."

(For some reason that I cannot recall, I have this prayer stored in my Bible app as "Modeh Ani."  Later, I may--or may not--go back and figure out why.)

Great *is* Your faithfulness.  Even when the world, this country, the "rulers" of the government are far from faithful, You are.  You always have been, and You always will be.  

So why on earth do I grieve and worry?

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary captures a few reassuring words; in fact, one of the words that jumped out at me was "assurance."

• Strong assurance
• Steadfast in affection
• Steadfast in allegiance
• Firm in adherence to promises
• True -- *true* -- to the facts, to a standard [of holiness and perfection!]

While I may continue to grieve the depravity of humans, my kin, I do still hope and I do still find reassurance in Your faithfulness.

Walking a Tightrope

 Father God, I have seen the challenge--I have even considered the challenge for myself--of standing up for opinions and beliefs, even when they are so obviously based not only in truth but also in the truth of Your word.  In our own little circle of influence, our own pastor has been getting pushback for the most benign and Biblical encouragements to care for the poor and disenfranchised.

What is happening, Father?  

Is this the foretold period of deception leading to the end times (which may last for many decades or even centuries)?

For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths.  (2 Timothy 4: 3-4)

This verse is one of one hundred that speak of "deception by Satan in [the] Last Days."  It may be an inevitable and even an unavoidable phenomenon leading to Your Son's return.

Yet, Abba, do I dare ask You to stay Your coming judgment for a bit longer?  Perhaps I am being selfish; I know I am afraid, knowing that I am not strong. 

Strengthen me, God, so that I honor You in all my days and especially in these trying and difficult times.  In Jesus's name and by the work of the Holy Spirit I pray~~Amen.

Psalm 12's Timelessness

    Help, O LORD, for the godly are fast disappearing!

        The faithful have vanished from the earth!

    Neighbors lie to each other,

        speaking with flattering lips and deceitful hearts.

    May the LORD cut off their flattering lips

        and silence their boastful tongues.

    They say, "We will lie to our hearts' content.

        Our lips are our own--who can stop us?"

    The LORD replies, "I have seen violence done to the helpless,

        and I have heard the groans of the poor.

    Now I will rise up to rescue them,

        as they have longed for me to do."

    The LORD's promises are pure,

        like silver refined in a furnace,

        purified seven times over.

    Therefore, LORD, we know you will protect the oppressed,

        preserving them forever from this lying generation,

    even though the wicked strut about,

        and evil is praised throughout the land.

I Admit to Worry

 

Lord God, I confess to worry right now.  I see DH's labwork, and his WBC is too low for the second or third year in a row.  Knowing that his father--who was outwardly healthy and careful about his health, as DH is--lived and died with leukemia, I admit to being worried.  Please, Lord, have mercy.  Today, right now, in this minute, I am focusing on You.  You do not promise that nothing will ever beset us.  Rather, You promise that You will always be with us, through it all.  

I am also mindful of the hurricanes that have slammed the southeast states in this nation as just the most recent of the weather crises and climate catastrophes that have been happening with greater intensity and frequency for a while.  People are suffering, and we are--I am--not exempted from the possibility of suffering.

BUT You are still and always will be God.  May these events and experiences turn me more toward You, face to face (which always brings me to tears).  May I be strong, exemplary, holy, faithful, and encouraging.  

Through what is and what may come, I will still love You.

A Beautiful Autumn Day

 "Have mercy on me, Son of David!"  from Matthew 9.

During a beautiful walk with Bailey at Quinsigamond State Park today, You spoke to me.  The events of the past 15 months, with the false accusation and resulting loss of my job, has been continuing to weigh on me.  I am distressed and humbled, confused and embarrassed, and yet--You reminded me that I am not in a bombed city, I continue to have a home (and a pretty nice one at that), food (and pretty good food, if I say so myself), health, family, a good church, and many other niceties of life.  So even though 

Abba, I am a little scared about DH's blood test result with a low WBC.  One of the causes is leukemia, which is what took his father.  Lord, please ... I am not sure what to ask You.  The timing, where both Jim and DH were asymptomatic at roughly the same ages, is frightening.  Have mercy on us!  We have been married for 37 years, the longest on my side of the family and almost the longest on his.  Plus, God, DH is not a great patient.  (LOL!)  Please give his doctor wisdom and persuasiveness to get DH to address this problem (longstanding, from what I saw in his record, of about 2-3 years).

(If it would help, I would gladly donate blood to him.  I might not be able to since our blood types are not compatible.)

However, I return to the beauty of today.  This entry is a bit scattered, as am I.  Let me bask in mindfulness, recognizing that You are here with me now, today, and will be forever, no matter what happens.

I love You.

A Seven-Minute Session

The timer is set for seven minutes, Abba.  It is not nearly enough time to connect meaningfully with You.  However, knowing how distractible I am and can be, this time-limited appointment may help me to focus more intentionally during this small slice of my day.

I just finished a platelet donation and scooted over to Panera to have lunch.  (On the last donation, I got quite dizzy and needed time to recover, possibly because I did not eat well prior to the donation.)  I -- no, not I but You -- are meeting me here to have a chat, no?  I am listening.  What do You want to say to me?

So much!  My attitude comes to mind first of all.  I grow irritated at home and at the people who are either willfully or ignorantly choosing the wrong path and the wrong (IMHO) presidential candidate  I grow very judgmental and, in Your choice of words in the sermon from Acts last week, "distressed" by the "idols" in this culture and this country.  (Acts 17:16(

There is the timer.  I will honor it but this issue would be a great place to pick up on my next entry.  Until then!

A Mindful Minute

 I wish I could capture many of my thoughts and reflections when they happen. Sometimes, I have these wonderful insights (LOL—so arrogant of me) that escape me when I try to remember them.

Right now, the two men--Homo Sapiens and Canis Familiaris--are out walking. Hence, my mindful minute is only a minute. I have so much reflecting to do! Job/employment, service opportunities, my attitude, and frustration with DH and the house.

Distractions abound--I just texted my stepbrother about his son's birthday, my daughter's wedding, and my other daughter's half-marathon.

God, King of the universe, I want to capture one intense prayer that has lurked on the peripheries of my mind for a very long time--this election and the state of this nation. Lament--repentance--confession--pleading with You to spare us what we clearly deserve. Call Your people back to You and not to the false idols and false prophets that have captured Your people's devotion.

"As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."  Amen.

What You Want People to Know

 The thing that struck me in today's Bible passages was the repetition of the line

"Then you will know that I am the LORD." (Ezekiel 28: 23, 24, 26)

"Then all who live in [Egypt--or the world] will know that I am the LORD." (Ezekiel 29: 6, 8, 16 which mentions "Sovereign LORD" and 21)

May I, and everyone I love, know that You are the LORD and come to know that more and more! 

Ezekiel and the Certainty of Justice

 Father God, the recent readings in my Bible Recap (to which I am listening more than reading!) talk a lot about Your anger at Your wayward people and the need--yes, need--for corrective punishment.  It has made me consider the possibility that the era in which I am living will not go unpunished.  It has even made me wonder whether there may be an inevitability about the ongoing decline of this culture and the continuation of the willful evil and corruption in American politics and in American evangelicalism.  

It is breaking my heart.  

Please, Abba, reach my beloveds.  I am listening to The Chosen's Season 4 aftershow, and it is validating these themes from another period of time: from Lamentations in the Old Testatment, to Jesus's own time on earth, and right up until this year.  I don't know anymore how to talk to my unbelieving relatives and loved ones, especially given the terrible examples of our Christian family (or some of them).  Help me NOT to be one of those bad examples.  Help me remember to pray constantly for Your will to be done.  And help me to obey You everywhere You are working out Your will in front of me.

Hardship and Lamentation

 Poetry.  I have often wished that I had that gift.  I think that some of what is labeled "poetry" really isn't, but true poetry moves me.  The book of Lamentations does.

I (and I wish I didn't use the word "I" so much!) have avoided writing because almost as soon as I sit down to write, my eyes tear up.  The world, and especially this country, is such a mess.  Some people, like my DH, are very disconnected from the problems and live in their cocoons without seeming to realize that destruction could very well lie ahead, and not in the distance.  Judgment is so much closer than many want to recognize.  In these recent Bible readings of Jeremiah and Lamentations (but not only there), You mention promised punishment and discipline really often, God.  

And Your people sometimes suffer right alongside the sinners.

These are sobering thoughts, and juxtaposing them with "the joy of the Lord" is oxymoronic on its face.  I guess that is what I take away from Lamentations, and the commentaries that I heard today: it's not only just okay, but necessary and spiritually healthy, to lament and question and emote to You.  You kmow our hearts anyway; why hide?  (Adam and Eve, that was dumb.)  

If this is how I get to know You better, then I am all in.  Even as I sit here, I imagine (or do I sense?) You sitting next to me.  And here come the tears.  I imagine Your foreknowledge of all that You had to endure, and I imagine Your wanting to share some of Your deepest thoughts--just the ones You know I can handle right now.  We commiserate; we grieve over this fallen world and the misled people we both love.  And we go forward, in large part because it is impossible to go back.  (Rather like I felt once or twice during labor!)

I love You, God, as I have said before, so much and still not enough.  May it grow.