"...he is a God of justice."
Elohei Mishpat, where are You now? There seems to be no justice here. I want to be where You are, where there is perfect justice blended with Your mercy. El Rachum is Your name as God of mercy, and I just may need Your perfect mercy more than Your justice, which might be frightening.
Question, Elohei Mishpat: Do I write a rebuttal to the article that accused me of discrimination? Would it be wise to publish that counterargument? "If it is not written down, it never happened." I won't move forward until and unless You tell me to do so.
Father God, today I cried some and smiled some.
(Taken from the title of The West Wing episode about Leo McGarry's death)
Abba, there has been a lot of death this year, or it feels like it. And now Mary Ann's condition does not seem hopeful for a cure or even an extended time of relief from her symptoms. She has been a difficult person for me to know and to enjoy; that is, not that she is difficult. She is simple, decent-hearted, and steadfast. She is not exactly intellectual, and she often talks and thinks in circles.
Abba, does she know You? I am not sure, although it is not mine to know. So, since I am uncertain, the right thing to do is to ask You for the opportunity to have someone of Your choosing to talk with her. Abba, make her comfortable. Please help her find great peace in her body and spirit. I can only imagine (song incoming!) what it would be like to be staring at death, but I would be staring into a glass darkly for a glimpse of Your face.
May she get that glimpse, even with her diminished earthly vision. May her heart and her spirit catch that glimpse of You, and may it comfort and even excite her! I believe I would feel that way — and I definitely want to.
I have barely 5 minutes until DH returns from his walk with Bailey (even though I had a walk of over an hour at Tower Hill with Bailey today!!). What can I hear from You today, Abba?
"Harsh and unprofessional" -- toward someone who was violating HIPAA confidentiality rules repeatedly, even after I had asked her to stop prior to this interaction. I wonder whether that feedback was shared with her. I think I handled the feedback shared with me better than I have in the past.
I probably have to go now. I am so thankful even for this short time.
Love!
Father God, I have had many titles of posts that I want to make here, and now I cannot remember any of them. Such is busyness and my memory! We have had a very productive day, though, haven't we? Bailey is staring at me right now. He had better chill because I intend to do his teeth again before DH gets home in 15 minutes or so.
Reflecting on the Scripture readings for today, from 1 Samuel and featuring David and Saul, I see the personal relationship that the former had with You and the fearful relationship that the latter had. (Did Saul have bipolar disorder?) I also keep bumping up against the "gross misconduct" termination finding and my emotional distress over the failure of justice. Or is it just? In many of the commentaries from The Bible Recap, TLC emphasizes that we deserve all the worst things that befall humanity, sometimes at the hands of others and sometimes at Your hands. I will accept that I am a terrible human being, that I have not lived up to my own exalted image of myself in my own mind! Making peace with that notion in this latter stage of my life is going to be a challenging task, I think. But--You have redeemed me, although I don't think I am such a bargain, Lord. Keep renovating me. You are always at work, as the song Way Maker emphasized on my walk with Bailey today.
Good morning, Abba, even though it is already almost 11:15 a.m. My client canceled today, with my blessing and understanding; it is an accomplishment of therapy that she chose to use her time for her important task, and believed my repeated offers to her to skip a session. So, would you bless her efforts today?
I have put this "journaling" or retreat time on my to-do list for several days. You know that I don't like to write here because my DH can be nosy, and this is our private space. As I sit here now, and calm my heart and mind, I find tears coming to my eyes repeatedly. I have a lot on my mind, and I need to make all those things get in line, even if not in order of importance.
(My beagle Bailey is sleeping next to me--and he is snoring. Love that boy.)
1. My skeptical son-in-law Tue. What a conversation -- actually, two -- we had on Palm Sunday in Harrisburg! He is in love with my daughter, and he wants to support her return to a church community, but oh my, a healthy church is hard to come by these days. He is, by his own description, looking for a "progressive Christian" church, which I think for him means one that will accept homosexual people. (That is another point that I might need to explore either today or at another time.) "I am looking, Patricia!" is what I remember his response was when I (twice) quoted the Scripture that promises that "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart" (Jeremiah 29:13). To be fair and balanced, he also pushed back on some of the things that he has trouble believing and accepting. I just don't think those "things" are you.
2. My immigrant son-in-law, or yerno, Christopher. He is working hard to earn his Nurse Practitioner certification, and he is in love with my daughter (different daughter, of course). He is understandably frightened by the immigration "enforcement" actions of the current administration, and I am, too. For him, Abba, I ask for your divine and extraordinary protection. That he is going on the civil rights bus tour with Amy and the Messiah group is wonderful and scary. I love his heart and his passion for what he calls "socialism," but feels more like widespread compassion for people. May this awful time in the nation's lifeline resolve soon so that Christopher and Amy can relax a little, or a lot.
3. With limited time remaining, perhaps that bridge to my concern about this nation is the next logical point. Oh, God, deliver us from evil. There is evil afoot and abundant in this country, and some of it has gripped your people's hearts and minds. Help me, Abba, not to be arrogant but to be discerning. I remember a reading earlier this week in 1 Samuel where I thought to myself, "How blessed was Samuel to hear directly from you about the arrival of Saul to see him. want that relationship with you where I hear directly from you, frequently, clearly, and unmistakably."
Now I will go listen to today's Scripture, dry my hair, and do a few other tasks around the house. Thank you for this time. You are worthy of all praise, "blessing, honor, glory, power / For the battle you have won." It feels like we are still fighting, and we are, with the assurance of real victory.
Amen!
Far be it from me also, Lord, that I should sin against you by failing to pray for your people and for this nation (who seem to be following a king of sorts, as the people in the Bible passage requested, too).
Abba, there was something that struck me powerfully when I contemplated Jesus's passion in Gethsemane. He prayed, he pleaded, he begged to be delivered--I am not sure that is the correct word, but I cannot think of a better one right now--from the suffering that he was fully aware that he would be experiencing imminently.
You did not answer his prayer "favorably."
At least, you did not answer his prayer with a yes. It was a favorable answer for us, of course, and ultimately it was honoring and glorifying to him and to you. But in that moment, you did not give Jesus what he was asking.
I need this lesson for my own life. What I, in my humanness, ask for is not always, and truthfully not usually, what Your will is. I will intentionally set my mind and my prayers to include "Not my will but Yours be done" as many times as I remember. This practice will help me, Abba, in our current global crises as many people cry out for Your intervention in the evil, violent, murderous situations across the world and even in this very nation.
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(I didn't see it before, but these two entries seem to have a common theme!)
I love You, Abba, I love You, Jesus, and I love You, Spirit. I can't imagine my life without You.
In the context of the times in which we are living, the injustice is the prevailing outcome. Here, however, is where I want and need to take a deeper look at myself.
You knew that this would happen to me. You know that I deserve every judgment of sin leveled at me. I am corrupt, broken, prideful, and insensitive, and those are just a small percentage of the negative adjectives I can use to describe myself. I am trying not to justify myself with examples of many of Your people throughout history who have been unfairly condemned; the chief among them all is, of course, Jesus. I am trying not to fight the decision but to accept it as a part of the life story You have written for me.
Humble me, Lord. I am stiff-necked and hard-hearted (more correct adjectives). Break my heart for what breaks Yours; soften my heart so that I can embrace Your great grace.
Is it weird that I feel more empty than sad? (One of the "comparativas" that Edder has assigned for my Spanish lesson this week!)
I have heard the metaphor of a firehose to represent the avalanche of repulsive actions and words being aimed at my heart, spirit, and mind. I know, Father; this repulsiveness is not new to the human race. In fact, the history of Your people is littered, even cluttered, with repulsiveness. Just today, I heard someone (Russell Moore and David French?) point out several of the churches in Revelation and the church at Corinth. "The church at Corinth would have had many more people if it had allowed the temple prostitution issue to go unchallenged." (My paraphrase from my memory.)
Going to listen to today's Scriptures from Exodus now. Abba, please bless tomorrow's community dinner. I am a little nervous because we have an autistic Trump supporter on our guest list. Grace and mercy, Lord! Wisdom, too.
Until next time.
18 Let your heart cry out to the Lord. O wall of the people of Zion, let your tears flow down like a river day and night. Give yourself no rest. Do not let your eyes stop crying. 19 Get up and cry out in the night, at the beginning of the night hours. Pour out your heart like water before the Lord. Lift up your hands to Him for the lives of your children who are weak with hunger on every street.” 20 See, O Lord, and look! To whom have You done this?
zaaq: To cry out, to call for help, to shout
The verb conveys an urgent, often loud appeal for help or justice. It can describe a distressed shout, a summons for aid, or an appeal presented in a formal complaint. About seventy-two occurrences span the Pentateuch, Historical Books, Wisdom Literature, and Prophets, revealing consistent theological contours: human need, divine attentiveness, and covenantal intervention.
13 “‘When I called, they did not listen; so when they called, I would not listen,’ says the Lord Almighty." (Zechariah 7:13)
These kinds of evil have happened before in the life of this nation, in the life of the world, and in the life of Your people. Why am I feeling entitled to a trouble-free existence? In quite a few ways it feels like a test. Am I strong enough -- not without You, of course -- to stand up and do the right thing? Am I thinking clearly enough to evaluate the situation correctly? Most of all, am I walking with You closely enough (always allowing that a closer walk is possible and desirable) to see, recognize, and hear what You and Your great heart are doing, and how I can partner with You in doing it?
May it be so, Yahweh. May I be tender-hearted enough to withstand the brokenheartedness that comes with these times.
And may I beg You to protect my dear son-in-law Christopher and my daughter Amy specifically in these evilly insane, and insanely evil, immigration times?
In my devotions, I am commiserating with Job. I also see some of his friends in a new light. Are they really misguided or malicious? I guess I am unwilling to judge them because I am seeing how many dear and wonderful believers have fallen for falsehoods. God my Father, please help me to avoid falling!
I have been eager, maybe a little anxious, to hear about the arbitrator's decision, which is due soon. I haven't told anyone, especially DH, about the upcoming finding. (More on that later, possibly in another entry.) However, no matter what the decision is, I will accept it and move on. I acknowledge that I have wondered about a financial settlement, even though I pointed out to the attorney and to the union representative that this issue is not about "making me whole" for financial losses. That will be Your decision. You will get at least 10%, more likely 15%, if there is a settlement. I release that imagination to You.
Being in the book of Job has reignited some of the early emotions that I had when this ordeal began. So much is unresolved; I am not sure that I will ever find closure in the therapeutic sense of the word. I am sure, however, that I will find peace in knowing You and knowing more about how You do things and make choices for Your people. I recall one interaction described to me between two other people where the counselor person asked the other, "What if it is God's will to fail?" What if it is, or was, Your will for this misunderstanding and false accusation to occur? I can see a fair amount of spiritual growth in myself as a direct response to my struggles with the situation. Maybe....
I have to go get my hair dried and ready for DH to take me on an errand (car having remote starter installed). I go back to the beginning; so much to do. This was sweet time, though, Abba. May I prioritize our time together and may I not talk so much and listen so much more.
Love, Me.
