Just to Be With You

Good morning, dear sweet Lord.  It's a grey, foggy day today.  However, it is still "the day the Lord has made" and I will rejoice and be glad in it.  (Psalm 118:24)

I often try to have a topic of some sort to talk over with You.  Today, there is either too much--or nothing, depending on how I look at it.  I could not even begin to sort through the myriad points on my prayer list; there are so many.  Many of them are dear people in my life, and some are situations or issues that I would really love to discuss with You.  But I feel bogged down.  Bogged down by the "list," I think, as if it is important to check off each item when it is done.

I don't think that's what prayer is supposed to be.  Is it?  I try to get into the skin of the great heroes of the Bible and (impossibly) into Jesus's own heart and imagine their prayer lives.  Did they have lists?  I can imagine Jesus praying for each of his disciples when there were only a few of them, but when there were thousands, did He spend all that time talking about each one of them with You?  I suspect not in the way that we often "pray" for people.  Hospitalizations, illnesses, marriages and divorces, wayward children, cars and money and jobs...

The pastor in Iran, Saeed Abidini, who was recently convicted and sentenced to 8 years imprisonment, most definitely warrants prayer, though.  Last night I was drifting off to sleep and was praying for him.  What was I praying?  I wasn't sure what was most aligned with Your will, although from a human and compassionate place I asked (and still do, by the way) that You might spare him this almost certain persecution and suffering.  Then I wondered whether Your way of praying would focus on strengthening him and shielding his heart and spirit from the attack of evil as he passes through these very deep and dark times.  In either case, or both, dear Heavenly Father, please accept my prayer joined with many others, I hope, for my unknown brother.

My children at Heritage...what a powerful letter from Kim Russo about Sara and Sam!  To You be all the glory!!

My biological daughters, one being a "mother" in Tijuana and one being a student and volunteer in the Bronx...would You encourage them today and guard their hearts, minds, souls, and very lives in places that my mother's heart finds dangerous.

My own mother, recently widowed and living relatively successfully with macular degeneration: she had dental work on Monday, and may I pray that she is recovering with minimal pain?

My mother-in-law, who frustrates me many times, who is living much more unsuccessfully with macular degeneration (from 20/60 to 20/400): soften my heart and hers, please.

My dear husband, faithful in every way (but dieting, but even for this period of time he is "counting points"): What can I say?  He is a true gift.  He needs a sharp, quick mind in his job, and he grows tired.  Fuel him, please?

See what I mean?  The list has so many items on it.  I think I might rather just sit, or kneel (for as long as I could), with You and feel Your eyes looking into mine and only by the grace of Jesus have the boldness to look back into Your eyes, and melt.  Boldness not from myself, I emphasize, but boldness and confidence because of the blood of Christ all over me:

Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus (Hebrews 10:19)
 

 So, dear God, time's a-wastin'.  I am blessed to have a job that in most ways and at most times I really love.  Make my remaining time this morning exceptionally efficient, please, to bring glory to You.  In Jesus's name, in the power of the Holy Spirit, and for the sake of the Gospel and the Kingdom~~~Amen

Maestra and "El Arbol Generoso"

Dearest Holy God, my "Mexicana" daughter is concerned about the woman co-director of the orphanage.  As she describes Maestra, I see a frustrated, angry woman whose life has not turned out the way she had hoped.  Is this vision from You?  She has become a Giving Tree (Shel Silverstein) who might not be a willing one....

Maestra, as my daughter sees, is harsh, punitive, and sometimes even violent in her discipline of the ninos.  At one time, my daughter reported that the Mexican style of discipline is largely harsh, and the poor residents of the orphanage cannot expect any softness or affection in life anyway; so, almost to prepare them for a hard life, there is little in the way of love.


Is that what happened to Maestra, Lord?  Was her childhood difficult?  She married Profe many years ago, and perhaps she expected a more middle-class life since they are both educators.  Now...52 children at this time, and more have been there at other times.

Father, soften her heart.  I suspect that she has not really experienced Your gracious and forgiving love.  Please remove the veil from her eyes and her heart to see how gently and still firmly You discipline, and to what end--repentance and restoration of relationship!  May this become true for her and then through her may this become true for the ninos.  In Jesus's name~~Amen.

Mary Ann

Oh, dear God, Mary Ann is also a cause for concern.  Her vision is dramatically worse, and she was dizzy and vomiting earlier this week.  Of even greater concern is her distortion of the Gospel.  Please, dear Lord, touch her body and especially her soul and spirit with divine healing.

What we didn't know...current smoking increases the risk of AMD 6.6-fold.  Past smoking, 20 years before the exam/AMD, shows no increased risk.  Former smoking increases risk 3.2-fold.  Oh, Lord.  Even if she quit now, it won't help without your blessing.

Please, God, strengthen Dan and especially Kimberly.  They have been amazingly supportive of Mary Ann, almost to the point of being the only, exclusive supports--not to put down Kim Marie's and Beth's loving attentions when possible.  These are hard times for Mary Ann, and by their close proximity and relationship, for Kimberly and Dan, too.  Guide them to the right doctors; give everyone (and most importantly Mary Ann) wisdom to choose the correct course of action and treatment; and soften Mary Ann's heart toward You.  I hope that she won't become hardened or bitter toward You because of this difficult blow.

Donna and Tom

Aww, come on, Lord.  I don't mean to be disrespectful.  Why did Tom have to lose this job?  It appears from Donna's account that it was a change of ownership and no fault of Tom's.  And Maine won't pay him unemployment benefits because he collected from another state within the past 12 months?  This really doesn't help Donna's anxiety.

And there is an intervention.  Please give me a verse to send to her.  What should it be?

There's Philippians 4:6-7 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
 

And there's 1 Peter 5:7, my older daughter's favorite verse

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
 

Father God, You are the giver of all good gifts.  Here we have Tom, a man who is motivated to provide for his family--both his wife and daughter AND his elderly father.  Please honor his heart and lead him to the job that You have already known.  In the meantime, please help Donna to trust You. Show them both, or perhaps more accurately, make it exceptionally obvious to them that You love them and have their needs close to Your heart.  Give them peace, and provision, and grow their faith--Tom's especially, but also Donna's as a way to reduce her anxiety.   I promised Donna I would pray right now, and so I am.  I ask in Jesus's name and for His sake in their lives and in the world~Amen.

Holy Spirit

Dearest God, I have been a bit stuck in composing the annual report for Junior Church.  Please inspire me.  There have been so many crazy and new situations this year that have frustrated and annoyed and stretched me.  I do not wish to quench the Holy Spirit, and I definitely want the Holy Spirit to empower my life and my (measly) work for You.

Hurry!

Lord, my husband is in the shower, we are taking the tree down today, my mother is coming over...help!

• Wanda's eyes: restoration?
• Julie at FCRH: "success"
• Amy at Casa: ministry with love
• George: healing from this flu

...and many other things.  Have to run now.  Love you so much!

Convicted But Not Condemned

Dearest God, You know what this is about.  Thank You for pointing out my sin, and thank You even more that You no longer condemn me for it.  Give me what I need--more of Your Spirit--to keep me from falling into this sin again (and again...).

Wanda's Eyes

Please, dear God, have mercy on Wanda and preserve or even restore her vision.

Flu

Dear Great Physician, my husband is sick.  Even though he may exaggerate his sickness, the reality is that he has a flu, and it is not fun.  Please allow me to be more supportive and compassionate.  Please also strengthen him and heal him quickly.  He would not do well with a chronic illness!  May this illness soften his heart toward those who struggle with illness on a daily basis and find that Your strength is made perfect in weakness.  May he learn not to judge those who become ill as if the illness was their fault or a result of poor choices on their parts.  And thank You once again for the blessing of being able to "pray" through this blog/journal in private.  It does help me to focus and to really talk to You.

On that note, I think I will try to get to bed by 10 p.m. tonight, to ward off flu for myself.  We are vey fortunate to have such good health care, Lord.  Let me (especially) not forget that You really are the ultimate Great Physician.  In Jesus's name and in the Holy Spirit's power~Amen!

More Exciting than a Date!

Dearest God, I mean that.  Ever since I realized that I could take advantage of some time here on this prayer-journal, I have been excited.  Oh, how my soul needs this resting time in Your presence!  And how the world around me needs You, hopefully called upon through my intercessory prayers.

• Jenny: She deserves, and may get, a post of her own.  Dear God, what is going on with her?  And her mother?  Please prevent me from any judgmental condemnations or quick prescriptions.  I totally believe that Jenny is a complex and intricate young woman who may have challenges that I cannot comprehend, or maybe do not comprehend because I don't know all the details.  In any case, would You please bless her?  Show her how much You love and accept her.  I do believe that she has an attachment disorder, as I believe other professionals who have evaluated her also think.  Her mother, Kim Marie, is poorly equipped emotionally and "informationally" to handle Jenny's unique personality.  Please intervene in both lives to bring peace and love---peace to their family and true, deep, unconditional love between them.  Give Cliff and Kim Marie more than enough wisdom to navigate through these difficult days.  Please prevent them from being too harsh on Jenny, which will only reinforce her attachment reluctance.  Most of all, please shout into Jenny's heart Your deep, accepting love for her.
• My mother, Wanda: As she navigates this second holiday since Bill's death, please comfort her.  My girls have been SO good with her!  (Thank You for them.)  Turn her toward Yourself for companionship when she feels lonely and when those who do love her have other obligations that prevent them/us from spending as much time with her as ... well, as she might want and as we might want but cannot.  Give her some purpose, some joy, some reason to keep on.
• Me!  I just drifted over to FB to see whether anyone particular came to mind for more intercession.  Paradoxically, I came to my own mind.  :)  I am tired.  Much to do today--but You are my strength!
• Amy: that resistant dry socket.  Please, dear Great Physician, touch that place in her mouth and cause it first to stop hurting and secondly to heal.
• The Haydens: They are going through the losing process with Lorraine, and it is never easy.  Please, Father, lead them, energize them, strengthen them for challenging days ahead, and give them some rest.  This request may also be reflected in the Jenny item above.  Jenny may need more attention than Daddy in particular has time or energy to give right now.  Please comfort the entire Hayden family, including the extended relatives, and give them moments of connecting with Lorraine and even Clayton as they await what seems to be inevitable--her death.

I have only 3 minutes left.  I will need to get off in a hurry so I don't lose this post.  Love You!!!!

Julie's Final in Science

Heavenly Father, please do what You do to help people in my Julie's life.  This is her last final for the semester--her only final for the semester!--and the last possible time slot.  Help her to place her confidence in You and in the blessing that You pour out on Your faithful ones.  Calm her, help her not only to recall  everything she has learned but also to be able to deduce and induce things -- inspire her.  May she finish strong and enjoy her evening with her sister and her cousin (Kayleen).  In Jesus's name and in Your Spirit~Amen.

Julie's Finals

Please, Heavenly Father, bless Julie during this last week of her college semester.  Make her papers clear and meaningful.  Help her to get enough sleep, particularly by making her studying efficient.  Give her confidence not only in her own abilities, but most importantly in Your great omniscience.  Bring them all home safely!  In Jesus's name~~Amen.

Newtown

Oh, dearest God, "there are no words" is the most frequent thing I have seen on Facebook, and I would have to agree.  There aren't.  How could this unthinkable tragedy happen?  Just 11 days away from the birthday of Your Son, a holiday that is so closely associated with childhood, and 20 children will...well, they will be celebrating with You in heaven, but their parents will be crying.  Comfort these dear people, God.  Please.  As a Father who had His Son killed, You of all people understand the grief.  The heartwrenching, heartbreaking grief. 

There are no words.  So, Holy Spirit, You intercede for us all in this terrible tragedy.  There are no words! 

Taylor MAHE

Dearest God, whom we serve out of love, please direct Amy's experiences at Taylor today.  Please also lead her in the path in which she should go.  In Jesus's name~Amen!

Laura's Daughter #3

For Paige, Lord...details later.

Membership?? Maybe Not

...or, dear God, maybe so, if You so direct.  I don't want to go into prayer with my mind already made up.

Please show us what You want us to do.  I know that I have many reservations about HBC that are coloring my opinion.  I certainly don't feel that I can join my life to this church with as many concerns as I have.

• Started from a split
• The parade of elders and deacons who have stepped down, with no explanation
• The very first comment that "Women do not participate" - nothing to clarify that statement
• The NANC focus (as with many things, this is not black or white)
• The Ezzo class (as above)
• The 5-point Calvinism divide
• The early emphasis on "spank first, ask later"
• The hurtful email about my "frustrating" (or some synonymous word) someone
• The Master's Christian Academy fiasco
• Ignoring Amy's and Julie's missions trips
• Ignoring the older children's needs for teaching
• ...and more, but not right now.

(Right now, dear Father, I'm going to get something to eat and then go find Amy in recovery!)

PS  For earlier indications of my discomfort with membership and this church, see my post of 9/27/2010.  Over two years ago!

Worship!

Good morning, Lord.  Here I am on a Sunday morning at home.  I have only a cold, but it is Christmas season (Happy Earth-Birthday!) and giving a virus to children and/or their parents is not my idea of a gift!

I have looked forward to this time for maybe two weeks or more now.  Having gone back to work (thank You for the job), I don't have as much time as I did during my recovery, and even then I did not have much time because of Bill's deterioration and death.

So..."Here I Am to Worship."  I wanted to choose a worship song to make this "service" complete.  I think You brought that one to mind.  (The video I wanted to include was Tim Hughes's, with scenes from The Passion of the Christ.  However, it wasn't a YouTube video, which seems to be permitted here.)  Tears streaming down my face....

Prayer: The Nicols 5 asked us to pray for Jeremiah, who has strep throat and an ear infection and is now at Disney World with them.  Please, dear Father, in your healing way touch that boy's body and allow the entire family to have an amazing time of family bonding.

Scripture: From the Advent calendar-December 9th, Isaiah 42:1-4

“Look at my servant, whom I strengthen.
He is my chosen one, who pleases me.
I have put my Spirit upon him.
He will bring justice to the nations.
² He will not shout
or raise his voice in public.
³ He will not crush the weakest reed
or put out a flickering candle.
He will bring justice to all who have been wronged.
⁴ He will not falter or lose heart
until justice prevails throughout the earth.
Even distant lands beyond the sea will wait for his instruction.^[a]”

 

(Footnotes: Isaiah 42:4 Greek version reads And his name will be the hope of all the world. Compare Matt 12:21.)

How does this prophecy further clarify what the Messiah will accomplish? He will bring justice to the nations; He will not crush the weakest reed or put out a flickering candle (which I think means that He will preserve and protect even the weakest person with even a tiny amount of faith); again, He will bring justice, and He will not stop or become discouraged (as I sometimes do) until justice prevails! 
How does the Messiah’s activity in these verses reflect the character of God?  This one is easy to answer.  God is just and desires justice.  He also pursues justice gently (not shouting or raising His voice, and watching out for the weak and "flickering"). 

Dear God, it's almost 10:45 a.m. and I would like to use this time wisely.  That is not to say that being here with you is not using time in the wisest possible way.  :)  Make me efficient today, please.  I do love you with all my heart.

Wisdom (Teeth) for Amy

Dearest Heavenly Father, today I am at St. Vincent’s Hospital with my daughter (our daughter—George’s and mine, and Yours and ours) Amy to have her wisdom teeth extracted.  Most times, it is not necessary to be in a hospital setting for this procedure, but her cutaneous mastocytosis scares people.  I am grateful for caution!  So, this is what I am asking: Please protect her from any reactions AND allow her recovery to be smooth, uncomplicated, and as painless as possible.  (We expect a little pain, but since she cannot take some of the pain relievers such as ibuprofen and morphine-related drugs, I especially ask for Your supernatural intervention to treat her pain.)

She has done well so far, dear Lord.  She is so beautiful, inside and out.  It seems to this proud mother that people just gravitate toward her lovely spirit.  The doctors: Peter Drob, DMD, and Neeru Oberoi, MD for anesthesiology.  The nurses: Ann Marie in the prep area (whose Catholic school teachers at Benedictine told her she’d never amount to anything—terrible), Ellen for the first anesthesia nurse, James the attending anesthesia nurse, and the other nurse who will be 38 on December 23^rd.  It seemed like a good team!  Please cover them all with blessing and grace, especially since they will be taking care of our daughter.

God, please also lead Amy in the path in which she should go.  She will need to reapply at Taylor for the MAHE program, IF that’s what You are calling her to do next year.  Oh, the parting from Casa is going to be painful.  She is already talking about going back on vacations.  Between working, paying back loans, saving for plane fare, rent, car expenses—well, Lord, we know that if returning to Tijuana is Your will, You will provide.

It’s only 8:21 a.m.  I’ll go upstairs around 8:50 to wait for the report.

Father, thank You that You care at least as much as I do for this young lady whom You have given me.  You have more power than I do to keep her safe.  You also understand my mother-heart and its desire to shield her from pain and suffering.  (Gives me pause to realize that You essentially violated that natural wish to save Your own Son in order to save me.  Wow.)  Please let this be an uncomplicated course at least in part so that Amy can return to Mexico to love those ninos for Your sake.  In Jesus’s name~Amen!

9:42 a.m.  Waiting in the Family Waiting Room; no news yet.  Getting a little bit anxious.  My mother/Amy's grandmother called already asking for an update.  Dear Lord, please let the delay be benign.  Please....

Ahhhh

9:42 a.m. at Worcester Public Library

I needed this time, dearest God.  I have looked forward to spending some time with You, alone, in secret for days now.  I love having my daughters and my husband at home with me, even though I feel protective of our time together and don't feel comfortable "praying" with them around.

So, here I am.  My eyes have overflowed--leaked, as the girls would say--at least two times this morning with grief over Bill.  I cannot imagine how Wanda feels.  I think it will be a hard time adjusting to her widowhood, not only for her but for all of us who support and love her.  We all will need extra grace from You for the task.  I'm really glad Amy will be home until after Christmas, although she will have her own recovery from oral surgery for part of that time.  She is a good companion for Wanda, as is Julie, who will be home from mid-December to mid-January.

I go back to work on Monday next.

I'm overwhelmed thinking about Christmas.

I have a lot to think about with Junior Church, and I desperately need Your intervention.

It takes a lot of work to love people.

I just want to sit with You in silence and be in Your presence.

Just as the body is dead without breath, so also faith is dead without good works. (James 2)

I just sent Debbie a message apologizing for omitting her grandson from the list of Bill's great-grandchildren.

I have only 6 minutes left.  Lord God, I am learning to walk one step at a time with You.  I always think, and have always thought, that there is something else that I "should" be doing to serve You.  (You know I don't like the word "should.")  Sometimes now I realize that I am doing what I can and that I need to do that faithfully.  Be glorified in my life, dearest God.  In Jesus's name~~Amen.

"Who Do You Want Me to Love for You Today?"

~Esther Ahn Kim, Christian in prison 1939-1945

Holy God, my mind is skittish today.  It is the day after Bill's funeral, and life is not yet back to normal.  I have probably 6 things already clamoring for top priority on my mental to-do list.  I chose to read (or finish?) a chapter in Forgotten God to start.  That's where I encountered the quote that I made the title for today's entry.

So!  Back to a new reality--an oxymoron, really.  Dear God, as I navigate this next 10 days before I return to work, help me please to focus on the really important priorities.  We have Thanksgiving coming up in less than a week, and my mother is characteristically choosing to host it at her house despite her recent loss of Bill.  That will mean a fair amount of cooking and transporting for me, but I can do all things [that You call me to do] through Christ.

Please, Lord, as I make my reading way through Forgotten God, allow me to practice living by the Spirit in a way that I have never done before now.  (Detour: controversy about the uncertain "gender" of the Holy Spirit)  As a mother, I understand more deeply than ever before the uncanny connection that I have with my daughters, a connection that their father almost envies.  May the Holy Spirit and I have that connection and more.  There is an almost intuitive understanding, a resonance, that I sometimes glimpse with my girls and that I desire even more fully with the Holy Spirit.  So particularly today, as I try to make my way through my list of tasks, could the Holy Spirit direct me?  (Of course!)  More properly, could I be allowed to see and feel the Holy Spirit's direction?  You know that I pray this as Scripture teaches, in Jesus's name~~Amen.