Ukraine

Some believe that we have entered World War III.  One of them, someone who testified in an impeachment involving Ukraine, says that we are already in the middle of it.  I won't retrace her thinking here, although it is interesting and sobering.  I will PRAY.

When you go to war against your enemies and see horses and chariots and an army greater than yours, do not be afraid of them, because the Lord your God, who brought you up out of Egypt, will be with you.  Deuteronomy 20:1

Father God, Almighty Lord of the Angel Armies, Lord of hosts, I ask this promise on behalf of the people of Ukraine.  To my knowledge, they have done nothing to deserve this evil attack by Russia, and not really by the Russian people but by the Russian dictator and autocrat.  It is commonly accepted that the Russian army is far stronger than the Ukrainian army, and yet You seem to have thwarted evil so far.  Be with them, Lord, because the Russian military is "greater" than theirs--but not greater than You.  May You be glorified in this conflict; may You point people to Yourself, to Jesus; may Your people see the fulfillment of many prophecies of Scripture; and may we Your people become excited and empowered to live for You in what arguably could be a foretold time of Biblical significance.  If these are the End Times, Lord, let me not minimize their consequence; if they are not the End Times, then there is no loss in living as if they were.

Yours is the victory, oh Lord my God!  Let not Evil triumph!  Give us more time to bring those You have called and chosen to Your throne and Jesus's cross!

My Mindfulness Mantra 2022

 
"May I be gracious.  May I be graceful.  May I be full of grace."

Yes, Lord, there is a theme of GRACE for my year.

I will digress to discuss one of the most serious areas of my life in which I need a lot of grace.  It is true, unfortunately, that my DH is annoying me a lot.  I cannot put one finger on the issue because there are at least a few.  Honestly, I don't know where to start.  Some issues are old; some are more recent.  I almost hesitate to put them in any sort of order because I don't know how, or whether, to rank them.  Willy-nilly it will be.

• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/think-act-be/201901/help-im-in-love-trump-supporter

This could be one of the most upsetting features of my distress.  The passivity of being a Trump supporter without apparent critical thinking about the issues associated with his presidency--and I could take an entire entry to list them all and probably forget some--annoys me deeply.

• The disinterest in things political, or socially and spiritually controversial, or psychological in nature

Only here would I make this observation.  It seems to me that our daughters and our son-in-law discuss the deep and contentious things more with me than with him.  Similarly, I note that when our friend Charlie initially reached out, he reached out only to me.  I have wondered if these exclusions have hurt DH's feelings.

• The leadership that our church has invited us--me?--into

DH has made it exceptionally clear that he does not want a leadership role.  He is even thinking twice about his position as a Children's Ministry teacher.  He loves working with his hands, with tools, and with wood.  He is better than I am at casual conversations and learning things about people.  Is there some jealousy?

• His sexual ... I don't know what word to use

That it took us 20 years--on our 20th anniversary trip--to figure out that I was not achieving an orgasm is appalling to me.  I recall commenting on not feeling right, and I wondered about certain uncomfortable sensations after sex (probably undischarged excitement).  It is not a bad thing that DH was fairly inexperienced when we got married.  Now, though, after nearly 35 years, there isn't much oomph.  Even with sildenafil, the erection is soft and short.   I don't have enough energy, and I fear that he does not have enough creativity, to work as hard and/or as long as I need to have an orgasm.

• His lack of ambition or purpose
• His focus on retirement and finances

I will end for now because there is more to say but not more time in which to say it today.  Thank You, Lord, for listening.  Now, as for that grace that I was requesting?

Added 02/05/22: One of the other things that has bothered me for years is his ungracious (there is the root word GRACE) manner of receiving gifts.  I have been hurt--my feelings have been hurt--when he is not grateful for the thought behind my gifts.  He has even told me to regift those gifts in subsequent years--this year, in fact.

The other thing that came to mind is the "I'd rather be dead than deaf" comment a few years ago when he had an ear infection.  He is biased against people with disabilities despite his own, shall I call it, height handicap.  What is even more annoying to me is that he has shrunk approximately two inches during our marriage.  Could this be connected to low testosterone?  I am not a doctor, of course, and I don't wish to make a diagnosis, but oh my, it could explain much.

I will be done for now.  This turned into less a post about grace that griping.  I guess, though, I need a place to gripe, and God, You are my place.  So now, please, change my heart.  I have only You in whom to confide.  And I am content with that.

A Self Compassion Prayer

May God bless and keep you always; May God bless you with joy, peace, happiness; May God bless you & keep you safe; May God bless you with many more joyful years, good health & His sweet presence; May God bless you today & always!

Alone on Ethical Island

I need to capture my thoughts and anxieties about testifying (under subpoena) today.  My stomach is a mess; I am having difficulty concentrating; I am annoyed by the "games" (a word shared with me by an unnamed community provider) rather than the fulfillment of the mission of DMH: 

    "The Department, as the state mental health authority, assures and provides access to services and supports to meet the mental health needs of individuals of all ages, enabling them to live, work, and participate in their communities..."

The NASW Code of Ethics notes the following:

    "Instances may arise when social workers' ethical obligations conflict with agency policies or relevant laws or regulations. When such conflicts occur, social workers must make a responsible effort to resolve the conflict in a manner that is consistent with the values, principles, and standards expressed in this Code.  If a reasonable resolution of the conflict does not appear possible, social workers should seek proper consultation before making a decision."

This has been a lonely time in my work here at WRCH.  I have little respect for the administration of the clinical social work department or of the facility clinical director.  Neither of them has a lot of pertinent experience, and both of them are ambitious self-promoters.

There.  I have said it.  There is no one else, Lord, to whom I can share these intense thoughts and feelings.

May Your will be done!  And may I handle it with grace and graciousness.  For Your sake.

Even Perfect Jesus

 Even perfect Jesus could not or would not "ensure" that people would accept Him or listen to him.   However, that is the task I have been assigned.  I can only transmit; I can neither make others tune into my frequency or even turn on their receivers.  Lord, help me to communicate these thoughts to those who need to hear them.  Give me gracious words and a softened heart minister reconciliation.  As Jesus would!  Amen.

Enemy Love

 Scott Larson of Straight Ahead Ministries delivered a powerful sermon on May 16, 2021 titled "Enemy Love."  Ouch.  Love your...enemies.  But don't give them rent-free space in your head, your heart, your feelings, your focus!

Fellowship of Your Sufferings

 Dearest Lord, this phrase from Philippians 3:1to be 0 has been rattling around in my heart and mind and soul for a while now.  Work is the setting of the "suffering" and the suffer to b3e likring is the remarkable misunderstanding of my behavior and performance.  How did You manage?  People believed that You were evil, and You did not get along with the people in power.  You stayed the course, though, and You remained loving even while You sometimes called out hypocrisy.  I don't believe I am perfect, at all.  I do wish the certainty that You always had could be mine.  I need, when I doubt, to ... stay quiet, listen for the Holy Spirit, and perhaps hardest of all, not get angry.  

I love You, Jesus, and I really do want to be like You.  It's harder now than I ever imagined it would be.  Being misunderstood, maligned, and rejected--that is only some of what You suffered.  If You are as sensitive as I believe You are, with a heart that wanted people to love You, it may have hurt.  Did it?

Promotion Prayer?

 So, Lord, You did just remind me to pray for Amy and her final interview on Friday.  We are all asking for the grace to mean it when we pray that Your will be done.  We ask that You direct her path, that You lead her in the way in which she should go.  We trust that You see her heart for You and Your kingdom, and we (I) pray that You reward her in a felt way for her faithfulness.  We all pray for the extension of Your kingdom and the glory of Your name~~Amen.

Pray at All Times

 My heart and my mind are overwhelmed with the very long list of things that need prayer attention.  How did You mean this command, Lord?  "Pray about everything," "pray at all times."  I am only a finite human with finite time constraints and finite attention span.  How am I supposed to obey this command, Lord?

Distraction: Poor Chloe.  Her usual beds are not available to her because we are painting the living room.  My being home today (Presidents' Day) is also disrupting her, I think.  But she keeps showing up where I am.  The cat whisperers tell us that that behavior is a sign of love.

But back!  None of this is ordered according to importance.  I would not know how to prioritize these prayers:

• Mom
• Tue--and Julie
• Amy and her job opportunity
• This country, not necessarily "my" country
• The Journey church
• Kim Marie and her cancer treatment

"Lord" (as my British friends would pronounce it), "please calm and order my random and unsettled thoughts and concerns to come into line with Your will and Your ways.  Help me to capture some of the prayer progress, as with Tue and Julie, so that I can look back on it and celebrate Your work, no matter how slow and incremental it appears to me when I want a quick and quantum leap into an answer.  

Maranatha, Lord Jesus.  Come back!  We want You and we need You!

Miserable

 Yeah, I am pretty miserable these days.  NOTHING appears to be going right, and I am irritable and argumentative (even if I am sometimes right).  I have little motivation; I am anxious all the time; I cannot concentrate well for long.  Even while I am trying to get through this post, I get distracted.  I am headachy and lazy.  I am frustrated at the triumph of evil and the deception of my brothers and sisters in Christ, and I am having too much trouble remembering that YOU are still in charge!!  I am even at odds with my DH, upset at him for being so ignorant of politics and pandemic and for spouting platitudes like "be rooted in Scripture"--whatever that means.  He is more dependent than he has been in the past, and I find it annoying.  He does not take initiative except for household tasks--I can be very grateful for that--but he is growing more forgetful and more short-sighted in his future planning.  Except for his retirement plan!  I say "his"  because I honestly fear that he will enjoy retirement alone if I die early, which is unfortunately not so far an improbability with the pandemic and my essential worker status.

What am I missing, Lord?  My eyes hurt, sometimes from crying and sometimes from wanting to cry, I think.  I feel hopeless, even almost terrified.  I know that the psalms and especially the Psalms of Lament represent some of these feelings, and I will be going back to them.  You are still, and always, good and good to me.  Help me.

Because Jesus is always the victor, I pray in His name.

Taking Advantage

Having gone to Pennsylvania to celebrate Amy's upcoming 30th birthday (tomorrow, 9/23/2020), I am stuck at home awaiting the results of a COVID-19 test--but it does not feel like being stuck.  I am, frankly, enjoying the random accomplishments of the day, including this one.

So, Lord, in the interest and the spirit of praying, I am trying to focus in this age of anxiety, with the pandemic and the politic, on the eternal and the spiritual.  Today's YouVersion speaks of peace vs. worry.  How completely appropriate!!  I still wish to be informed.  I haven't quite figured out, though, how to get the information I need to read Your will in the situations without worrying.  It's all bad news, or so it seems on the surface.

But You are not a superficial God.  You work in the deeps.  (Is that a word?  Yep, I looked it up.)   Behind and underneath all that is going on in the world, there is the "invisible war" going on in the spiritual realm.  That is the title of the devotional I am reading, and it is also SO completely appropriate to these times.

The struggle for me is the internal anger and anguish that robs my own peace.  I also want to argue people into understanding the truth.  Persuasion, right?  Hah.  Even You have chosen not to push people into Truth, and You are the Truth.

Speaking of Truth, what are you doing behind the scenes with Tue?  I am curious, and I am waiting for Your opening.  If I may ask something, please put reins on me and a muzzle on my mouth.  I tend to think more of myself and my ability to know what to say and when to say it than is warranted.  

I think I will go finish that book The Lotus and The Cross.  Bless my reading and understanding?  I don't think it captures Tue very well, or his father, but I wonder how many "denominations" of Buddhism there are, similar to how many Christian denominations exist.  And please bless my own representation of You.  I am afraid to sound judgmental, and I fear that many representatives have done harm to Your message but not, of course, to You.  No one can harm You (despite what the president tried to pin on his opponent). Nevertheless, I don't want to be one of those people who turns others away from You.

Love You so very much and still not enough.

Since Last Year? Not good!

Oh, God, what I really mean is this: I have been praying, You know that.  I just haven't written anything in this location for SINCE LAST YEAR!  I know why.  I do not want to share this journal (my spell check almost chose "journey," which would perhaps be equally appropriate) with anyone, and my dear husband is nosy.  Some things, such as the ones between You and me, are supposed to be private.  

If I engaged in free association or stream-of-consciousness writing right now, I am not sure what would pop up first.  It was a day that I had hoped would be a day of silence in the spirit of the devotional I am doing on YouVersion right now: "Turning Off the Noise."  I considered not saying anything verbally until my dear feline coaxed some words out of me.  And then a phone call from my middle sister and mother regarding my recently widowed (#2) youngest sister.  It was not a great phone call.  "I don't want you to use your clinical skills, but what do you think...?"  She and mother did, indeed, want me to use my clinical skills BUT they--mostly sister--really wanted me to confirm what she believed.  

This segues into the other issue: the widowed sister.  The widowed sister who probably has a form of dementia.  The sister who doesn't like me very much, maybe because I am unable to coddle her.  It may also be because, in the eyes of both sisters and mother, I live a "charmed" (read: blessed) life.  I do.  They have had some awful, sad, disappointing events and relationships in their lives.  I get that, and I am sorry for them.

But I am getting away from that sister's very serious problems.  The current plan is bringing her to live with mother for "two weeks" which was the original estimate or "as long as it takes," whatever "it" is.  This plan is fraught with risks.  She has never been an easy person for mother or us, and I have trouble imagining that dementia and grief are going to improve her disposition and behavior.  Whew.  Oh, boy.

Then there is husband.  He is ... frustrating and frustrated at this point in his life.  He wants to retire before he even turns 59.  I don't know exactly what is prompting this desire, and he is not very good at talking emotionally.  In addition, there are some physical difficulties that are affecting our relationship, and he is not seeking help for them.  Finally, the political tensions are high.  Because this is a private entry, and You do not judge though You could, I will admit (confess) that I have a lot of trouble respecting anyone who supports the current President.  And my husband does.  

And this goes into another segue.  The political landscape is flat-out crazy, irrational, evil!  I shake my head at the deceitfulness, the selfishness, the disrespect for humans that this administration exhibits.  I wonder that anyone can support him--and worse, that many evangelical Christians support him!  I am disgusted.  Horrified.  And most of all, confused.  Why can reasonable people NOT see through these lies? Why can they not cling to the values that make us as Christians different, loving, wonderful citizens?  How long, oh Lord?

Well, the cat is out.  I would like to get her in early enough to go to bed early; I could use Your help with that.  But I have some other things to do before then.  I will try to write more this week while husband is off sailing the coast of Maine with his brother.  

I love You, Lord.  And I totally need You more than ever.

Don't Let the Prayer Down

Lord!  The conversation over the weekend with Tue was challenging but good.  We are not "there" yet, and those last few steps may be the most challenging.  Now, though, I believe I understand some of the stumbling blocks more clearly.  Over all, God, help us to keep the focus not on the Religious Right or the history of "missionary" mistakes but on Jesus.  He said he would keep an open mind.  Unfortunately, he also said that Buddhism makes more sense for him and that he might never become a Christian.  I believe that he is not seeing Jesus yet.  Only You can make his vision clear.  Please remove the spiritual scales from his eyes so that he can see Jesus.  Only You can bring that man's dead or deadened heart to life.  Please do a miracle for and in Tue.

There is another person for whom I want to ask Your intervention: my daughter Julie.  The past 10 years of her spiritual life have been disappointing; Your people in churches, New York, Philadelphia...pretty much everyone she has encountered.  This experience is almost surely spiritual battle, too, as is Your ... I wanted to say Your bringing Tue into her life.  I am not positive about that.  I hope that he sees You for who You are, perhaps because You brought Julie, and us, into his life.

But back to Julie.  Please reawaken her zeal for You.  Restore her spiritual vision.  Give her wisdom, discernment, mission, fellowship, and great teaching somewhere.

Please also help me to hear Your direction with regard to Epic Parkside and Tk.  I do not want to try orchestrating this situation before You have done the prep work, IF this is the situation You want to run.

Lord, the battle is indeed enjoined.  I am Your soldier.  Command me to do what You know is best.  In Jesus's name~~Amen

More Spiritual Battle by Distraction?

Dear God--I just went through Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit and decided to address all of You by saying "God"--I am aware that the charge of "hostile working environment" has knocked me off balance and has distracted me from the big issue of sharing You with Tue this weekend.  I think often of the Screwtape Letters play that we just attended earlier this month, and I am grateful for the reminder that the Enemy can, and does, use such distractions to keep me from PRAYING!

Prayer: Please, God, do something awesome and miraculous for Tue's saving faith this weekend.  Please soften his heart to ask deep questions, and perhaps more importantly, prepare my heart to share Your love clearly and boldly.  Relatedly--please help GN to see the forest for the trees, so to speak.  This is, of course, in large, large part our fighting for our daughter Julie; however, it is also in pretty large part fighting for Tue and his eternal life and relationship with You.

Can You (of course You *can*) or perhaps better said, will You help me understand the Buddhist faith?  I want to know how to be respectful and aware of its importance to Tue.

Prayer 2: HWE?  Really.  I can't even.  But help me to bounce and get back to business.  

Maranatha, Lord Jesus.  Soon.  But not until we--You and I and GN--have a shot at Tue?  :)

Amen!

Continuing to Pray for Tue

Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, what will it take to get Tue's heart to turn toward You?  I am trying to "fast" from my phone games :) (which is such a silly thing (but harder than I thought it would be) to show You that I am serious about this prayer.  Please soften his heart and pave the way for GN and me to talk effectively and lovingly with him on Saturday.  

I don't know what else to say or what else to ask.  You know.

In Jesus's name~~please.  Amen.

Beginning a Letter to Tue

Dear Tue,

I think I knew it would come to this.  You are a good man!  My daughter Julie has not been loose with her affections, and when we learned that she was dating someone, we knew that he had to be a special guy.

Then we met you.  You were so nervous.  (I think?)  You were also so sweet.  I remember that somewhere along the way I heard that in past relationships the more difficult parent for you was the mother.  I don't want to be difficult, and it is my hope that you don't see me that way.

I really love you, not just because of your relationship with my daughter, but because you are an amazing person.  I have watched you over the nearly three years that you and Julie have been dating, and I see a person with the biggest heart I think I have seen in a person of your generation.  You love, and you love deeply and sacrificially.  You don't let go of many friendships.  You are tenacious.  You set a goal, and you go for it.  You are respectful.  You think critically and analytically.

So.  Here we are, and the most important thing on my heart is your relationship with Jesus.  I have no doubts about your relationship with Julie; you need to hear that, know that, believe that.  It is not because of some poorly-exegeted passage of the Bible that I have this concern on my heart (that is, the verse 2 Corinthians 6:14, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.").  It is completely because I want you to know how much Jesus loves you--and secondarily, because the Word of God says that a husband is supposed to love his wife THAT MUCH.  I want Julie to be loved that much!  But as I said, that is secondary although very, very important to me.

Primarily, though, I want you to know Jesus.  Not just know about Jesus, but know Him.  I want you to imagine His wearing a baseball hat backward on His head, watching the Eagles with you and saying, "You know, Wentz is a personal friend of Mine."  I want you to feel that you can ask Him hard questions and complain to Him about His people (I do, often).  I want you and Julie to have a common, firm, unshakable foundation for your life (singular) together, and your lives (plural)  together, because Biblically speaking you two will become one AND you two will continue to have your own personalities and purposes.  And, looking forward as I often do, I want to know without any question in my mind that when Jesus comes back for His people--which I believe is coming at a faster pace than I have ever before imagined in my 60+ years--you will be coming with us.

I am crying right now.  I didn't expect to shed tears when I began this letter.  I cry when God touches my heart, and I think that is why I am crying right now.

Tue, I would be honored to have you as a son-in-law.  I hope you know that the *only* reservation that I have about your marriage to my daughter is your relationship to Jesus.  It is all about Jesus.  All.

(PS I do see your respect for your father, your deep love for him.  What does he say about your intention to ask Julie to marry you?  (If you have talked to him about this?)  I have long had a feeling that your father is more accepting and, if I may say so, more like Jesus than many of my so-called brethren who call themselves Christian.  I sound judgmental when I say that, and for that I am sorry, but I believe that.  In my own relationship with Jesus, He has surprised me with the people who are not traditionally "believers" but have more love, more Christ-likeness, than many churchgoers.  Your father is one of those people.

But that is off topic.  Is your father's faith so important to him that your possibly embracing a relationship with Jesus would hurt him?  I would love to talk about this with you.  It somehow seems to me that your father has put you in the path of Jesus since enrolling you in a Catholic school--funny, but in the deep spiritual level of life, perhaps meaningful?  I also wonder if on that deep spiritual level of life your father's journey out of Vietnam and to "the City of Brotherly Love" and to a job at a Catholic school is a sign of God's loving hand on him and on your family.  Just wondering....)

I may well continue this letter at another time.  I have learned to let ideas percolate and simmer; this is so important that I don't think I can do the entire subject justice in one sitting.

And if you didn't get it yet, allow me to repeat that I love you--like a son, like a wonderful human being!

Trying to Be Faithful in Prayer

Lord, not very long ago I confessed (in the journal Julie gave me, at that) that I had stopped praying as fervently and regularly for Tue's salvation.  Well, I got surprised that ... that ... I guess that the relationship went farther and faster than I anticipated.  Why that should have surprised me is another issue for another post, though.

For now, please allow me to redouble my prayer commitment for Tue's salvation.  I am recalling that Julie once told me, only two short years ago, that she would not marry Tue unless he became a Christian.  Moreover, I found journals in her room that bemoaned her loneliness for a boyfriend and also her desire/decision to await a Christian man.  (Boy, are they in short supply--but that, too, is an issue for another post.)

So, here we are.  I am not surprised that they are so compatible.  I am not surprised that they are attracted to, and attractive to, each other.  I want badly for Tue to become a Christian, a child of Yours, not only because he may become my son-in-law but also because I really like and respect this young man.  Even his faithful filial love for his parents is so honorable.  It reminds me of the Scripture:

Many people were traveling with Jesus.  He said to them, "If you come to me but will not leave your family, you cannot be my follower.  You must love me more than your father, mother, wife, children, brothers, and sisters--even more than your own life!  Whoever will not carry the cross that is given to them when they follow me cannot be my follower.  (Luke 14: 25-27)

Would You please redouble YOUR efforts to pierce that wall that keeps him enslaved?  

Maranatha, Lord Jesus!  Please come! 

Dang

So, Heavenly Father, it has all but happened.  Tue called my DH to ask to have dinner with us next week, ostensibly to discuss a marriage proposal to Julie.

BUT we don't yet know about his salvation, his relationship with You.  That's important.  I am so conflicted about my own feelings on the issue.  I *know* how important it is--to You!--that Tue is saved.  I know that You prefer, or command, that believers not be unequally yoked to unbelievers.  (I admit I don't exactly know what that entails, but I do know what the Christian church has interpreted it to mean in the context of marriage.)  I review the many "Christian" marriages that I have known that have fallen apart, some very quickly and others later on.  I ponder the numerous "believers" who profess Your name but somehow my spirit, and perhaps the Holy Spirit in me, doubts the reality, the depth, the sincerity of their relationship with You.  They know doctrine; I am not certain that they know You.

I respect Tue's honesty.  I find myself thinking that if I could just get him into an Alpha group, or into the YouVersion daily reading plans for Your Word, or some other venue in which he can 1) be exposed to Your Word regularly and personally and 2) ask honest and hard questions in a safe and accepting (are those the same?) environment.  But it is not my game plan; it is Yours.  What is Your "big idea" for him?  I want to help.  I *don't* want to mess it up.

So, my (haha) short prayer is for discernment.  Please lead me into what to say, and perhaps more importantly, what not to say.  This is critical not only for Tue but for Julie's long-term happiness.  I am not sure if one is any more critical than the other.

Please, Father, save this young man for a number of compelling reasons, not the least of which by far is Your great love for him.

Maranatha, Lord Jesus!

Evangelism!

Dear God, I have never been a great "evangelist."  I am, I think, a pretty good lover--of some people, not all--and as a counselor I speak truth into people's lives.  So here I am, wanting more than ever before the salvation of a loved one--Tue--and I feel so stuck.  If I only had a chance to sit with him, one-on-one, without being afraid that I will offend Julie or without Tue's being afraid of saying the "wrong" thing....

Is that the right thing to ask?  Is there someone else RESPECTABLE (please) who would be a better choice?  I am confident that You are on Tue's trail, hounding him.  I wish I could see some of Your work there.  The work of the enemy has been far too evident.

Song on my mind--and it brings tears to my eyes:

What a beautiful Name it is
What a beautiful Name it is
The Name of Jesus Christ my King

What a beautiful Name it is
Nothing compares to this
What a beautiful Name it is
The Name of Jesus

You didn't want heaven without us
So Jesus, You brought heaven down
My sin was great, Your love was greater
What could separate us now

Amen, dear Jesus.  My mother's heart beats for her children, and that is NOTHING compared to the Father's heart.

Two Big Things on My Mind

Lord, I am going to set the timer and stay here for 10 minutes.  :)  There are two huge issues about which I want, and need, to talk to You:

1. Tue, and Tue-and-Julie: In some ways, important spiritual ways, this one is life and death.
2. The United States of America: I cannot believe how blind many of my countrymen are!

Number 1, the first in order and in importance~Why are You taking so long about Tue?  Even as I thought that, I changed it.  Why is Tue taking so long about You?  I wish I could have a heart-to-heart with him, just him and me, so that I could understand the issues and questions and resistances he has.  I do know one of them: He wants to honor his Buddhist father.  I guess my question about that is how does his even dating Julie fit into that picture?  Tue does not go to a Buddhist temple and does not practice Buddhism.  There is virtually no chance that he intends to embrace Buddhism.  Is this more about his Vietnamese heritage and national identity?  That might even make a little more sense.  Tue's brother Tony is, at least, involved with (and engaged to) a Vietnamese woman even if she is also not practicing Buddhism but Catholicism (at least nominally, but I don't know the depth of her faith, so I will not speculate).  I wonder whether that is the rub.

Number 2, the craziest time in the history of this country?  What is up??  Presumably intelligent and high-functioning people, mostly in the Republican Party, are missing huge and important and DANGEROUS factors in the life and times of this president.  His stupidity is topped only by his supporters' justifications for it.  Why, God?  ...and to add insult to injury, he is endorsed by...YOUR PEOPLE (or at least many of them).  Is righteousness being promoted by his policies and choices?  More importantly, are YOU being honored and presented (correctly) to the world?  

Which brings me to my mission, and my theme word for this year: love.  Keep me from being so judgmental and critical and help me to love.

(For another time, I am not doing so well about that at work....)

Love You so much, Lord.

\

PS My mother fell on her face yesterday.  Could I ask on her behalf for a quick healing--and an evident one, because she is a little vain.  

Why So Long, Lord?

Dear Heavenly Father, I know that the "birth" of one of your new children does not always happen on a schedule in the same way that a birth of a human takes 9 months, or 40 weeks, give or take a couple of weeks.  But--why is it taking so long to bring Tue into the kingdom?  

I think I know part of the answer, but I would love to have confirmation from you.  There are two (?) verses that come to mind when I evaluate the process that Tue has lived through--and missed:

1. Faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of God.  Romans 10:17
2. Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  1 John 4:7-8

Churches suck.  I hate to be so blunt, but you know what I think anyway.  I am so disappointed in the evangelical church and its insane, selfish support of a leader who is not only stupid (which I might be able to tolerate) but also evil.  That he has committed criminal acts is all but proven.  That he has committed immoral acts is proven, and even acknowledged by him and his supporters.

But again I digress.  This is about Tue.

Did I stumble on a connection?  Is one of the barriers to Tue's becoming a Christian this embrace between a corrupt...may I call him an idol?...and your people, or some of them.  Unfortunately the ones of whom I speak are the visible, public ones.  

So, Father, I am asking please for direction on what you would direct me to do next.  And please don't let me get ahead of you on this.  I know much of this is up to me; I can choose to ignore you.  I don't want to, and I don't trust myself.  I need you to hold me back, and I am surrendering to you so that you can do it.

I *know* that Tue's salvation is your will.  I want to work with you to do your will.  Please?  In Jesus's name, for Jesus's sake, for Tue's sake, and for Julie's sake?  Amen~~! 

Fervent, Faithful Prayer

Pray that God would remove Satan’s blinding influence . Unbelievers have been blinded by Satan and will only ever be able to see and appreciate the gospel if God works within them. So pray that God would give them sight—spiritual sight. “In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God” (2 Corinthians 4:4).
Pray that God would open their hearts to believe the gospel. Once more, God must initiate and people must respond. So pray that God would open the hearts of these unbelievers so they can in turn believe, just as Lydia did. “The Lord opened her heart to pay attention to what was said by Paul” (Acts 16:14).
Pray that they would come to Christ. If unbelievers are to come to salvation, there is just one way. They must come through Christ and Christ alone. “Jesus said to him, ‘I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me’” (John 14:6). Remember, too, that he is the one who calls them to come and to be relieved of the burden of their sin (see Matthew 11:28-30).

(Thanks to Tim Challies. I did not agree with all of his prayer suggestions, but these are good ones with which I can join him in prayer for Tue.)

Father God, You know that my heart is heavy with concern not only for this young man Tue but for my daughter Julie as well. Please--please!--soften both hearts toward You. Your people are not doing very well in representing You, the Gospel, and Your great love to a lost and frankly evil-controlled world. Help me not to be judgmental (I know I have prayed that before, and recently, and I will likely have to pray it many times more and frequently) and help me not be a bad ambassador for You. May I represent You not only to Tue--supremely importantly for his salvation--but also to Julie as one touched by Your unconditional love and eager to touch others with Your unconditional love. In Jesus's name~~Amen.

Wishing Prayer Worked Sooner

Dear Heavenly Father, I wish that we did not have to wait so LONG for our prayers to be answered.  Of course, in this particular instance I am referring to Tue.  And Julie, too.  For a long time, I have worried about Julie's negativity in general and toward church people in specific.  I have wished, and prayed, that she would find a place in Your body where she felt at home and loved and accepted and respected.  That does not seem to have happened, at least not yet.  I don't know how to plead with You to intervene here.  You know it is not Tue that is the real problem; it is, rather, that Your people are not doing a great job being Your ambassadors.  Yes, I just realized how judgmental that sounds--and is.  There are also big spiritual enemies battling for their souls and lives.  Maybe I also need to confront my disappointment in good people believing dumb things.  

I want to get back to not knowing how to beg You to step in.  This is what brings me to tears.  Again, it isn't Tue.  It is what is represented in their relationship and in the lack in the church: few high-quality Christian men.  The Audible book I am listening to, Lord of the Rings, addresses the treason of Saruman, a formerly good and honorable wizard.  (Is that what he and Gandalf are?  Something about their "order.")  This concept hit me squarely today in my travels, bringing to mind the people of the Christian faith who have sold out for power to the current administration.  Wow.  And the damage being wreaked on our evangelism!  How can I invite people--thinking, honorable people--like Tue to places that treated him as the Alton Bay congregant did?  He deserves better.  Julie deserves better, and she has been denied good experiences for many years now, probably since middle school.

I beg You!  Please step in!  Do something!

And after all that, I recall the devotional I stole from Facebook and sent to Julie today:

May 1

YOU ARE ON THE PATH of My choosing. There is no randomness about your life. Here and Now comprise the coordinates of your daily life. Most people let their moments slip through their fingers, half-lived. They avoid the present by worrying about the future or longing for a better time and place. They forget that they are creatures who are subject to the limitations of time and space. They forget their Creator, who walks with them only in the present.

Every moment is alive with My glorious Presence, to those whose hearts are intimately connected with Mine. As you give yourself more and more to a life of constant communion with Me, you will find that you simply have no time for worry. Thus, you are freed to let My Spirit direct your steps, enabling you to walk along the path of Peace.

Luke 12:25-26
“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?"

Jude VV. 24-25
To Him Who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy--to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forever more! Amen.

Luke 1:79
To shine on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the path of peace.

(Jesus Calling devotional by Sarah Young)

Blockbuster News

Julie loves Tue and Tue loves Julie.

That is not the blockbuster news.

What *is* the bombshell is their joint concern about "hurting" us because Tue is not (yet) a Christian.  I think that is sweet and just a bit scary.  The scary part is the uncertainty I have about how to respond.  

Lord, I am tempted--not in the best way--to say "Has the Lord really said...?"  I know what You say.  I also know that there are misinterpretations that demonize unbelievers.  (In fact, that is one of the several things that Julie and Tue react to so negatively in certain churches.)  Where is Your love?  Your oh-so-welcoming LOVE?

And Tue has made all the right promises about attending church with Julie, about raising their prospective children as Christians, about continuing to seek.  He is just not ready to "convert."  His father's faith seems to be something of a barrier, although Tue does not observe it (at least to my knowledge and outwardly).  

It is about You, Jesus.  Can we make it about YOU and not about stupid Christians?

...but I digress.  This is also about Julie and Tue.  In fact, Lord, it is in great measure about Tue, and in another perhaps equally great measure about Julie.  Individually and separately, their faith journeys have been rocky.  You don't have a lot of good ambassadors around the United States today.  (Let me be one.)  How would You address this sweet couple?  How do You want to use me in Your work here?  And, more importantly, how will You step in?  It so seems to me that they are inviting You.  Please, please lead them.  The path they have been taking to find a good (or good enough) church has been torturously twisted. 

Will the Alpha experience help?  I have done what I could.  Now, Lord God, I leave it up to You to nudge them toward it.  I see much about it that awakens hope in my heart, but they have to experience it.  All I can do is pray...which is, of course, not "all" in the sense of "so little."  

Can You and I make an agreement that I will document, if on my phone app, prayer every day for Tue's salvation and Julie's recommitment?  For the number of days that You choose, Lord.  Then I will welcome Tue into our family.  He is already in our hearts, or mine, at least.

(And do I email CityLife?  Emailing churches has not been good for me.)

 

Good Morning

This morning, as You know, Lord, I am at the Hyatt Regency in Boston for the second day of the "Treating Young Adults" conference.  The independence :) that I am experiencing and expressing is rather invigorating--even this, sitting here to write or journal or blog or whatever this is.  My DH would be over my shoulder prying into these entries, and You know that I *hate* that.  It is ... well, we can get into that later.  I love him.  And I know him.  And as one of the conference speakers addressed yesterday, a mature love understands the weaknesses and foibles and accepts them as part of the entire person.  Yes.

But I digress.  What shall we focus on today?  The entry in my devotional about fasting has gripped my heart and mind.  I am going to try--I certainly cannot promise in my own strength!--to stay away from my Homescapes and other games.  I find them a distraction, a way to capture my wandering distress, and a way to refocus.  We will find another way to accomplish those things, yes?  Perhaps by knocking off those memory verses on which I have fallen so far behind?  :)

I know it isn't about memorizing verses.  I know it is not about how much Scripture I read.  It *is* about how those things, and others, help me to know You more.  That is my prayer; that is my desire.  

You know, what I said earlier about DH is probably if not almost certainly what You say and think and feel about me.  You love me, understanding my weaknesses and foibles, and You accept them as a part of the complete "me."  Yes.  Yes?  

A Time Apart

"Treating Young Adults" at the Hyatt Regency in Boston, sponsored by Harvard Medical School, worth 14 CEUs.  And a night in this hotel.  I should--I will!--stop the silly games on the iPhone and concentrate for a little bit of time before going to bed.

The idea of Sabbath, "rest," is my devotional reading on YouVersion right now.  Start: 8:30 p.m.  Listen....

The air conditioner fan just came on.

Julie is texting me about an Easter gift idea for Tue (I initiated the conversation).

The conference is wonderful.

The idea of fasting is also mentioned in my YouVersion devotional.  Could I NOT play a game on my phone for a day?

It's only 8:32 p.m.

Just getting away to be alone is refreshing.  Not being home with all the distractions may force me to sit quietly.  (There *is* an awful lot to do at home over the next two weeks....)

I am discouraged by the government, and particularly by the president.  I am coming to believe that he is ill, possibly with a form of dementia, on top of an already-malignantly-narcissistic personality disorder.  His blithe lying, even about things such as his father's birthplace, is alarming.

Maranatha, Lord Jesus!  Come quickly!

The USA Needs This

1 Timothy 2:1-3

I exhort therefore, that, first of all, supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks, be made for all men; For kings, and for all that are in authority; that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and honesty. For this is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Savior. 

• Father, remove leaders and men of authority that you did not set up. Give our nations selfless leaders, men and women of wisdom and understanding; leaders who will not cause your people to err.
• Father, grant us wise leaders whose hearts will set to know and to search out and to seek true wisdom and the reason of things, and to know that wickedness is folly; to perceive the words of understanding; to receive the instruction of justice, judgment and equity.

https://www.prayerrelay.com/prayer-points-for-nations/

Yes.  Please.  For the sake of Your Kingdom and Your people and in Jesus's name and Spirit~~Amen.

New Year 2019 Sermon

“Deliver me from the liars, God!
    They smile so sweetly but lie through their teeth.” Psalm 120:2 MSG

Tom Sparling, pastor at The Journey, spoke about this text and the book "A Long Obedience in the Same Direction" this morning (January 6,2019).  The Message and the book are both by Eugene Peterson, who died in his 80s in October 2018.  

This verse struck me like a slap.  I am so discouraged with the president of the United States (I started to type "our" president, but I cannot own him).  I am also discouraged, as I heard Tom also confessing, with the evangelical community who either support him--the president, that is--and/or hatefully promote his lying, unloving, and frankly immature positions.  How many lies so far?  

Combined with the rest of his presidency, that adds up to a total of 6,420 claims through Oct. 30, the 649th day of his term in office, according to The Fact Checker’s database that analyzes, categorizes and tracks every suspect statement uttered by the president.  

( Kessler, Glenn, et al. “President Trump Has Made 6,420 False or Misleading Claims over 649 Days.” The Washington Post, WP Company, 2 Nov. 2018, www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2018/11/02/president-trump-has-made-false-or-misleading-claims-over-days/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.777261a74ec8.)

 But I digress.

My prayer, since this is a prayer blog, is for 1) me--that I may repent and cast my concerns, my sinful judgment, and my frustrated blathering about this lying insanity and 2) the president and his followers--that they, too, may repent of their lying and unloving words and actions.

I'm in trouble!  I am crying to You, God; I am crying out.

"I’m in trouble. I cry to God,  desperate for an answer." (Psalm 120:1 MSG)

Election Day 2018

Over and over and over...May Your will be done, God.

I am concerned for this country.  I am concerned for Your church.  I am concerned for my children's generation and the future we are creating for them.

Be glorified, dear Lord!  Light shines brightest in darkness, and the darkness seems to be getting darker.  Let me shine Your light, be a light, and attract people's eyes to You.

In Jesus's name~Amen.

Urgent

The problems of this country *are* urgent, Father.  I have appreciated the stance of the denomination that our older daughter attends, the Brethren in Christ, regarding blind American patriotism (of course, they put it much more gently and effectively, but still....).  At the very same time, I am concerned.  We are commanded--ordered, mandated!--by You to pray for our leaders.  I even hate to call the President a leader, and yet he is leading a fair number of people known as his "base."  Leading them to racism, sexism and sexual immorality, hatred, pride, thoughtlessness, and mediocrity, inconsiderate selfishness, and isolationism.  Wow.  And many of the "leaders" of our churches are supporting him!

Will it take breaking us, Lord?  It may.  It probably should.  We have grown comfortable in our affluence.  We have grown comfortable in our sin!  Break my heart for what breaks Yours, as the song goes.  Break my hard heart.  I pray this first for myself, although I wish I could pray it for the American people.  But I know that no one can repent for another person.  

(PS  Speaking of that, may I bug You some more for the boyfriend of my younger daughter?  For him to commit to You, to follow You, to know You?)

Well, Lord, may Your kingdom come!  Love You.  Amen~~

Concern for My Country

Father God, I am worried about this nation.  I hesitate to call it "my" country any more; I know that my citizenship is secure in heaven.  Still, my earthly father served in the military in this country, and I cringe to see what it has become.  So, in short (because this is a secret blog and husband is coming home in minutes), please intervene.  The evil, the lies, are more than disheartening.  I can imagine that our enemy--our enemies?--and our Enemy are enjoying this debacle.  Please intervene, for Your glory and the good of Your kingdom and Your people.  In Jesus's name, Who belongs to all nations~Amen.

A Trump-Free Day?

Father God, I sometimes act as if You are not still in full control and command of the world.  I am so sorry for my lack of faith.  I do know that at times You allow things to "get out of control" to show rebellious people (like myself) that we would do so much better to submit to Your ways of doing things.  I also know that You love Your people and have done--and will do--amazing things to protect and rescue them in the middle of those out-of-control teaching moments.

So, strengthen my faith, please.  The GDP report was just released, and it is good.  I can celebrate that!  I also ask that You weaken my anger and my frustration and my preoccupation with the next stupid thing done by the President.  Yes, a Trump-free day would be refreshing.  Let me rest in knowing YOU.

El Pais y El Mundo

I got stuck, Lord, regarding what I really wanted to spend time here talking about with You.  I have been charmed by the Harry Potter stories, despite some of the concerns about witchcraft.  (BTW, I thought it wasn't nearly as bad as many may have described, and I thought there were surprising references to Christian and Biblical holidays and principles and, on a couple of occasions, quoted Scripture.)  So, I initially wanted a post to be titled "The Pensive," a nod to the container of memories in Dumbledore's office. 

But then...my deep and deepening concern about this country and the world.  I almost said "my" country, but I corrected myself.  I no longer identify with the United States of America.  Some of my disconnect has been prompted by my daughters, particularly the older one who worships in a Brethren in Christ church.  Another huge piece of my disillusionment comes from the weirdness, the craziness, of the current government and especially its leader (aka the President).  I get angry; I refer to him by unflattering, even insulting, terms; I want him to fail.  Then I realize that I am not praying for him as You have commanded.  I am also supposed to "love" him.  How?  He is, I am convinced, leading the nation astray!  He is a liar, an adulterer, a selfish and ungodly person.  And still, the President.

How did that happen?  I wonder, truly, if anyone else sees the possibility that the election interference so widely discussed and all but proven did have an effect.  Or, in another vein, are Americans that evil and stupid?  It certainly seems that he caters to the darker side of human nature--the racism, the sexism, the selfishness, the xenophobia.

So much darkness, so much sin.  Light needs to shine, and if this is a time for Your light to be carried by Your people, then Lord, let me be one of the lightbearers.  I fear that some of Your people are being misled, in the words of Matthew 24:24--"so as to mislead, if possible, even the elect."

May I not be among the misled.  "Teach me to pray!"


"When the foundations are being destroyed, what can the righteous do?" —Psalms 11:3

The President

I cannot even call him "our" President.  I saw a title of a news article that claimed he "is not your president."  (The Washington Post, June 1, 2018, Greg Sargent)  Unfortunately, I agree.

And I have put off writing in this prayer journal, despite many promptings in my spirit to pray for him.  It is hard to pray for someone that you believe is an idiot, and an evil one at that.  But I am under compulsion, out of obedience to the Word:

"I urge, then, first of all, that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving [choke!] be made for all people--for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness."

Oh, my.

I think sometimes he believes he is more king than president.  I *know* that he has little to no idea about law, protocol, even the idea that he represents ALL of the citizens of the United States, and not just the ones called "his base."   

So, dear God, Ruler of everything--truly, and not because of some false belief--please bless him.  Somehow, work Your will through him though he is a faulted, fallible, possibly even corrupt leader.  You have done it before!  Please bring him to repentance.  

...which brings me to another request: Your name is being besmirched.  Because (for reasons that I fail to comprehend) evangelical leaders are embracing this president, Convict them--us--of our hypocrisy and shallowness.  Let Your Spirit loose among us to bring us to our knees in the sadness of conviction.  Include me as well, God.  And don't let me shrink back from speaking truth, but do let me say true things lovingly.

In Jesus's name~~Amen.

Prayer for Grievance

So, Lord, tomorrow I face a giant:  Someone in a position of power and political clout, a bully, a taunter.  I know I don't have a lot of time here to pray, and I want to ask You for ... peace, confidence, eloquence, and justice.  I am not in this for revenge but for justice.  The favoritism at work is destructive and disheartening, and the opposite of it, which is the condemnation and bullying, is also destructive and disheartening.

Please allow me to be calm and fully in Your presence during the hearing.  May I speak only the words that You put in my mouth, and may they be truth and healing.  The purpose is that: truth and healing.

May You be glorified!  In Jesus's name~~Amen.

My Secret Place of Joy

Lord, before I check on that stupid Super Bowl score, I ask You to calm me.  I love YOU.  Nothing else matters.  In Jesus's name~~Amen.

I Hate Anxiety

Week after week during football season, I suffer.  I know, Lord, that it sounds trivial and stupid.  It is.  And yet, I suffer.

Tomorrow will be no different.  Well, on second thought, it might be different.  It might be worse.  The quarterback for "my" team was (slightly) injured during practice a few days ago.  The injury (throwing-hand thumb knuckle) is not, in and of itself, serious, but anything could affect accuracy.  And I have already started to obsess and feel sick in my stomach.

Please, dear Lord, when so many are burdened with far more serious, even life-and-death problems, take this silly anxiety away from me.  I have considered the possibility, maybe even the probability, that this accidental injury was part of Your will for this team this year.  How else to think about this freak event?  Maybe this is not supposed to be "their" year.

Show me, please, how to cope with the anxiety.  Even better, please, take it away from me!

And may Your will be done in everything.  In Jesus's name~~Amen.

"Back By Noon"

Ah, those words, Lord, give me a deadline.  🤣  I do NOT want anyone, including my DH, to have access to this private prayer place. 

So, here I am.  Thank You for the blessing of this "journal" online.  It is more private than a written journal, although I would not mind such a diary of my communications with you (if computers ever become impossible to use).  

There continue to be many things about which to pray.  Sometimes I think, and sometimes I have thought, that there are too many things!  It is impossible for a human--a mere mortal--to pray about "everything" that warrants prayer.  

In my reading so far this year, much of it in the Old Testament, I notice that the patriarchs were just plain "faithful."  They had to take care of their daily affairs in a much more time-cumbersome way than I do!  But that left them little time to "pray" about "everything."  They had to pray differently, and I expect that it came down to 1) worshiping You, and 2) asking for Your help with those daily affairs.

On a slightly different note, since I titled this post after my DH's message, I need to ask You to reduce my irritation at him.  He is such a loving guy.  Sometimes, though, he is not a thinking (not to be confused with thoughtful) guy.  He does not consider the meta-message of his words or actions.  But the heart!  Oh, his heart is good.  Help my irritation, please.  I--not so much he, but I--need to change.

So!  I am racing the clock, and he did say "...by noon."  I love You, God, and I want to be more -- well, as I said earlier in this post, just plain faithful.  

In Jesus's name~~Amen.

"Could Use a Little Extra Prayer"

Music to my mama-heart!  My YD sent me those words yesterday to ask for prayer support for her classroom observation this week.  I want to be faithful to the request and the promise to pray; thus, this entry.

Dear Heavenly Father, I have poured out my heart to You for my daughters.  I have recently shared with You my (mild) concern about the "unequally-yoked" relationship this daughter has with her boyfriend, an admittedly high-quality, loving, superb man.  (And still seeking You, I hope.)  But I digress.  This prayer is for YD and her performance in the classroom during the evaluation.  I ask confidence for her.  I request clarity and command of the material.  I petition You to intervene in her students' hearts and minds to calm them and to make them receptive to her instruction.  I beseech (what a strong, lovely word!) You to shine Your light through her, Your vessel, for the purpose of declaring Your power and glory.  

"This book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth..." (an old version that I once memorized)  A newer translation is this:

Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.  Joshua 1:8

May this be so for her!  In Jesus's name and for the sake of His reputation~~Amen.

One month

Yes, Lord, it has been 4 weeks since I last posted here.  Oy.  To the day.  (I think I took that Wednesday off for my medical appointment--physical.)

When this happens, I don't really know where to begin.  

First, I promised my client (KB) that I would pray for her although I was going to pray during our canceled appointment time.  Father God, she lost her son to an opiate overdose.  I feel really helpless to help her; that grief cannot be traditional or standard in any way, although more and more deaths are occurring because of it.  Before I ask You for help to help her, let me ask You to help her directly.  She mentioned that her husband was in the hospital overnight.  I didn't ask specifically, but it would stand to reason that there was something concerning to warrant admission.  She has a remarkably important job as a SPED director for Webster: "Director of Student Support Services."  AND, in addition to all that, she is allowing her deceased son's girlfriend and their child, a 5-year-old kindergartener, to live with them.

You, of course, know all of this.  Please bless her in a way that only You know will be most "blessing."  To my knowledge, she is a woman of the Catholic faith, and she might not know You in the born-again personal way.  Bless her so that she knows incontrovertibly that it is YOU.  Not only for her sake, but for Yours as well.

Second, then: Would You help me find the Fordham Christmas sweatshirt?  Silly request, of course.  It's sentimental.

Third: the reason it is sentimental is my second daughter.  She is in a relationship with a stellar young man--but by his own confession, he is not (yet) a Christian.  I really like him.  I imagine that You do, too!  In fact, I am quite sure that You love him.  He is a quality guy, a person who loves sacrificially, and a thinker who is not going to take this faith lightly.  For those reasons, I consider him a better Christian than many of my fellow brothers and sisters.  BUT--he is not (yet) a Christian, and I am concerned as my daughter's mother that she is heading toward heartbreak and heartache and frank disobedience.  

There.  I have said it.  I want her to follow Your instructions.  I cannot do that for her, though.  Please intervene in Your wise way.  It is fairly certain <smile> that You want that young man more than I do.  You know whether he is good for my daughter (although, as the cliche goes, no one is good enough for one's daughter).  You will not force my daughter to do the right thing.  I will not pretend to know what the right thing is for her. 

(The furnace maintenance person just arrived.  Thank You for this time.  I guess this is all for today.)

Confessing and Reflecting

Wow.  Has it really been three months since I wrote here?  The last post was dated 8/19/17, I think.  Again, wow.

A little stream of consciousness before I can settle down, I suspect.  I am in a bit of a funk.  Definition of funk: a state of depression; synonyms a bad mood, a low, the dumps, the doldrums.  Yep.  That's about right...or wrong.

I am not entirely sure what started this period of the blues.  I am not sure that knowing the beginning matters.  I just know that I don't like myself very much and that I am crabby and irritable and dissatisfied.  I don't know where to start chronicling the ... I don't know what to call the list of issues.  The one, however, that is most recent and most current is DH.  I guess I will start there.

The dissatisfaction around DH is confusing and disruptive.  I know that part of my annoyance has to do with his [thoughtless] support of the Religious Right and its support of our current President.  It bothers me that he does not appear to think critically about the issues but automatically, even reflexively, accepts what certain leaders promote.  To be completely honest, I am confused, even befuddled.  I don't want to fall into heresy; and I don't want to be a Pharisee.  I am torn, bemused, and tired of thinking.  But I digress.  I get annoyed, even angry, at DH for what I perceive to be stupid and simplistic generalizations.  I also react strongly, vehemently, vigorously, and automatically to being treated like a second-class citizen, a child, a person who has significant deficits and cannot think for herself.  When I stop--if I stop--to think, I would venture that DH is not a deep enough thinker to recognize the subliminal messages that he is sending.  But "a man speaks from what fills his heart."  Is DH feeling a need to be superior?  Is he feeling a decline in his own cognitive functioning?  He is forgetting a bunch of things, and then remembering the most surprising of other things. 

I have stopped telling him a lot about work and about my medical problems for two significant reasons: one, he forgets them; two, he judges me for having them.  There is not an acceptance of a supportive nature.  In fact, with regard to work, he once said something about "you are always right," and he did not mean it in any way but sarcastically.  The curse.  With due humility, I think I might be right much of the time.  But people in positions above me are not always affirming and are sometimes incompetent.  I grew up believing that the teacher was always right, and the promotions went to the most deserving and the best qualified.  Nope.  I don't think that anymore.

So with DH, I feel disappointed.  The partnership is not so much a partnership.  For example, yesterday he insisted that our daughters are "independent and *should* not need support (such as a bit of financial help or a wake-up call)."  But then he said that he would "have" to wake up at 5:30 a.m. on his day off because he "needed" to wake me up at 6:00 a.m.  So, the impression is that I am not capable at my age of waking myself up.  Or making gifts of a helpful nature to our daughters.  Or reasoning?  I am in a bind with this situation.  Giving feedback or advice seems to contradict him, which then feels like I am disrespecting him.  I know I need to learn how to give feedback better.  (Maybe my next learning adventure?)

Pause.  Another confession.  I am burned out with churches.  I see the same problems of incompetence and hard-heartedness and lack of love in the leadership of so many churches, including the one we just left.  I see that arrogance and NOT-Christ-likeness in much of the Religious Right, including some of the people that I considered my friends.  I am confused and, honestly and frankly, disgusted.  I just want to crawl into a solitary faith and focus just on me and my relationship with God (You!).  I can see why monastic life has an attractiveness to it.  I remember, though, someone who said that we cannot escape from ourselves and our sinful attitudes, even when we are alone.  We are meant to live in community--and it is not easy.

I did not tell DH that I am taking the day off.  He, to my knowledge, does not know about this blog.  I wouldn't be able to dump my honest junk here if he did.  That judgment again....

Help me, Lord.  I am stuck in a deep, deep rut.  I ache, both physically and spiritually.  I want to be thankful during this month of Thanksgiving, and I have fallen WAY behind.  (I am going to stop here and try to catch up a little while I have this lull before my 2 p.m. appointment.)

You know I love You, right?

Continuing in Prayer

In honor of Tue's trip to India and beyond with his father, I have taken to reading Ravi Zacharias's book "Jesus Among Other Gods" as my prayer for Tue's salvation. 


(I am enjoying it and being challenged by it.  My recent favorite quote is stolen, if you will, from G.K. Chesterton:

“Dear Sir: Regarding your article 'What's Wrong with the World?' I am. Yours truly, G.K. Chesterton”)

But there are other parts of the book, of Zacharias's reasoning, that are meaningful to me as well with regard to Tue's salvation.  I want that man for You, Lord.  I respect his thoughtful consideration of Your claims.  I recognize, however, that the pull of his loyalty and love toward his father, a former Buddhist monk, is extremely powerful.

But You are more powerful.  I am counting on that.  And on the (so-called) power of prayer.

The verse that comes to mind with regard to this prayer and its alignment with Your will is 2 Peter 3:9b:

"Instead He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."

May it be so, Lord, according to Your will. For the sake of the expansion of the Kingdom of God in Christ Jesus~~Amen and amen.
  

Guy for God

Whew, Lord.  Day after Easter.  You did all the work!  I wonder whether You were "tired" after all that.  :)

I have set a reminder on my phone to pray for Tue every day.  I may not get a chance to post my prayer, but I know that You are aware of my prayerful intent.  When I can, I pause and ask.

I don't know whether there are "twinkles" there, mostly because I have not been able to watch them together for long in the short time that I have been with him.  Julie did not talk a lot about him over this holiday weekend; I wonder whether she talked about him with Ali and Jaime, especially since she spent more time with them than with us (except for sleeping).  (Yeah, slight dig, but I am trying to be gracious.)  

Sorry for the distraction, dear God.  Amy is late getting back to Messiah--no surprise, lots of traffic.

So back to Tue...

I know that You want him.  I searched for the verse, and 4 of them came up.  This was the first and the one:

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.  2 Peter 3:9

(There is another Peter verse!  My "endurance of harsh treatment" verse is from 1 Peter.)

So, based on this verse, I am claiming Your promise.  You are not slow to fulfill it; and You made it!  I will also remain patient with You and Tue--harder for me than for You--and I will continue to pray.  Daily.  Either by posting or clicking.

Dear Lord, please rescue Tue.  We don't have enough great guys in the Church for our daughters!  :)  Not only for the women, though, but also for the men and most importantly for You and Your kingdom, we need good guys for God.  For Your sake and in Jesus's name~~Amen!

A Wonderful Vietnamese Buddhist

Even as I wrote the title of this post, Lord, I realized that perhaps Tue Ho is not a Buddhist in the same fashion as not every child of a Christian is a Christian.  In any case, Julie herself has said--in the more distant past, not clearly stated recently--that Tue is still seeking.  She has also told me/us that he is sensitive to the effect that a decision for Christianity may have on his Buddhist monk-father.  I must respect a young man, a son, who cares for his parents.  I know that You have said that

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:26

Wow.  This is a dilemma that Tue faces.  He has been raised to be respectful, to honor his father and his mother--which is another of Your commandments--and to consider his actions (I think, on that last point).   To "hate his own father and mother" may not mean exactly that.  I hope not!  I just quickly read a commentary that put that word "hate" in a different context.  English can be harsh when it is used to translate a Biblical word.  Hate is more like loving far less, with far less preference, but NOT to treat badly or disrespectfully.


More on that another time.  However, Lord, for the sake of this post, please hear my heart's cry for Tue's heart.  May he follow You willingly, gladly, appreciatively for all that You have done for him.  And may I be bold enough to ask for the hearts of his parents as well?


In Jesus's redemptive name and nature~~Amen.