Debbie

 It seems a little stupid, Abba, to include things You already know in this post as prayer. I ask You to indulge me because You may know my thoughts and motivations, but sometimes, I don't.

I am returning from a long weekend in Michigan with Debbie and, to a lesser extent but not a lesser significance, Bobby. I was reflecting on the significance of Bob's reply text to me yesterday: "Thank you for the respite and help."  My reflection involved the difficulty of communicating how that word hit me without sounding both, or either, picayune or arrogant. The respite aspect felt quite accurate, though. Being with her was hard, both physically and emotionally. She cannot rest; the psychomotor agitation is pronounced and exhausting for her and for those caring for her.

I appreciated Joe's company and his interventions with her a lot. He is a good and decent man--some might be surprised by that characterization! One of the most surprising things for me was his desire to attend Catholic Mass at the Notre Dame Basilica, formally known as the Basilica of the Sacred Heart. A second surprise was the presence of some Bible verse decorations at his AirBnB. I could be wrong, but I see a ramping up of Your work in his life, Abba!

Here I capture some of my thoughts about Debbie and her situation:

• She is so bruised from her falls. It seems nearly impossible to keep her from falling without physically restricting or restraining her. Even with constant accompaniment, she is unstable with her ambulation, and now I see something (You brought me to it)--->
• "Dementia posturing" or an interaction between dorsal kyphosis and dementia. Oh, Father God, Please relieve Deb's suffering!
• Mom is suffering almost as much as, perhaps more than, Debbie. I don't even know what to ask on Mom's behalf, Father. You of all people know too painfully well what it is like to see Your child suffering and not doing anything about it--whether by inability or by choice, it is heartbreaking either way. Oh, God, bring Your peace!

The flight is readying for boarding. Bobby was so gracious in getting me priority status!  

Amen for now. Love You!

Nothing Makes Sense

Father God, I feel like I am living in an upside-down world.  I realize that much of Jesus's teaching is upside-down--the last shall be first, to save my life I must lose it, love my enemies, and others--but the events of this year and this US election take the idea to a terrible new place.  Evil appears to be triumphing, incompetence is a requirement for government appointment, immorality and sin are celebrated, and knowledge is devalued.  I don't understand.

My own prayer practice has taken a hit because I don't know how, or what, to pray.  I am mature enough (!) to know that You do not always (and maybe rarely) answer my prayers with the answer that I think is right.  So now the question for me is this: What are You doing?  How can I catch a glimpse or an outline of the plan that You are working out?  Knowing that "You cannot be stopped," I take a deep breath and grasp Your truth and the history of Your work in the world.  You have rarely, if ever, done things in a way that "makes sense."  Of course, Your ways are not our ways, nor are Your thoughts our thoughts.

In my current reading in Galatians, I see Paul's annoyance with the people in Galatia.  Haha--I think I know how he felt.  What I hear is this: "How on earth can you believe these falsehoods?  What are you trying to prove?" In so many ways, I see the Church of today (early 21st century) being deceived by very similar heresy.  And I am, like Paul, annoyed.  

And I, unlike Paul, am afraid.  I am afraid for my almost son-in-law, an immigrant from El Salvador.  I am afraid for my daughters and their young families, perhaps including grandchildren someday.  I am afraid for the dear immigrant believers in our Church.  I am afraid for this country and for the principles of truth and virtue and freedom under which it was founded.

Abba, accept my fear.  Please also accept my surrender to You and what You are doing in this upside-down world.  Please hear my prayers, spoken and unspoken, for my loved ones and for those with whom I am "annoyed."  In obedience to Your command, please attend to my prayer for those in authority in government, both the current president and the president-elect.  May they both seek You in the performance of their heavy duties and know Your wisdom in their decisions about the serious matters facing the country and the world.

I will not be afraid!

Grieving and Still Hoping

 Good morning, Abba.  "I am thankful before You, {my} living and enduring King, for You have mercifully restored my soul within me.  Great is Your faithfulness."

(For some reason that I cannot recall, I have this prayer stored in my Bible app as "Modeh Ani."  Later, I may--or may not--go back and figure out why.)

Great *is* Your faithfulness.  Even when the world, this country, the "rulers" of the government are far from faithful, You are.  You always have been, and You always will be.  

So why on earth do I grieve and worry?

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary captures a few reassuring words; in fact, one of the words that jumped out at me was "assurance."

• Strong assurance
• Steadfast in affection
• Steadfast in allegiance
• Firm in adherence to promises
• True -- *true* -- to the facts, to a standard [of holiness and perfection!]

While I may continue to grieve the depravity of humans, my kin, I do still hope and I do still find reassurance in Your faithfulness.

Walking a Tightrope

 Father God, I have seen the challenge--I have even considered the challenge for myself--of standing up for opinions and beliefs, even when they are so obviously based not only in truth but also in the truth of Your word.  In our own little circle of influence, our own pastor has been getting pushback for the most benign and Biblical encouragements to care for the poor and disenfranchised.

What is happening, Father?  

Is this the foretold period of deception leading to the end times (which may last for many decades or even centuries)?

For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths.  (2 Timothy 4: 3-4)

This verse is one of one hundred that speak of "deception by Satan in [the] Last Days."  It may be an inevitable and even an unavoidable phenomenon leading to Your Son's return.

Yet, Abba, do I dare ask You to stay Your coming judgment for a bit longer?  Perhaps I am being selfish; I know I am afraid, knowing that I am not strong. 

Strengthen me, God, so that I honor You in all my days and especially in these trying and difficult times.  In Jesus's name and by the work of the Holy Spirit I pray~~Amen.

Psalm 12's Timelessness

    Help, O LORD, for the godly are fast disappearing!

        The faithful have vanished from the earth!

    Neighbors lie to each other,

        speaking with flattering lips and deceitful hearts.

    May the LORD cut off their flattering lips

        and silence their boastful tongues.

    They say, "We will lie to our hearts' content.

        Our lips are our own--who can stop us?"

    The LORD replies, "I have seen violence done to the helpless,

        and I have heard the groans of the poor.

    Now I will rise up to rescue them,

        as they have longed for me to do."

    The LORD's promises are pure,

        like silver refined in a furnace,

        purified seven times over.

    Therefore, LORD, we know you will protect the oppressed,

        preserving them forever from this lying generation,

    even though the wicked strut about,

        and evil is praised throughout the land.

I Admit to Worry

 

Lord God, I confess to worry right now.  I see DH's labwork, and his WBC is too low for the second or third year in a row.  Knowing that his father--who was outwardly healthy and careful about his health, as DH is--lived and died with leukemia, I admit to being worried.  Please, Lord, have mercy.  Today, right now, in this minute, I am focusing on You.  You do not promise that nothing will ever beset us.  Rather, You promise that You will always be with us, through it all.  

I am also mindful of the hurricanes that have slammed the southeast states in this nation as just the most recent of the weather crises and climate catastrophes that have been happening with greater intensity and frequency for a while.  People are suffering, and we are--I am--not exempted from the possibility of suffering.

BUT You are still and always will be God.  May these events and experiences turn me more toward You, face to face (which always brings me to tears).  May I be strong, exemplary, holy, faithful, and encouraging.  

Through what is and what may come, I will still love You.

A Beautiful Autumn Day

 "Have mercy on me, Son of David!"  from Matthew 9.

During a beautiful walk with Bailey at Quinsigamond State Park today, You spoke to me.  The events of the past 15 months, with the false accusation and resulting loss of my job, has been continuing to weigh on me.  I am distressed and humbled, confused and embarrassed, and yet--You reminded me that I am not in a bombed city, I continue to have a home (and a pretty nice one at that), food (and pretty good food, if I say so myself), health, family, a good church, and many other niceties of life.  So even though 

Abba, I am a little scared about DH's blood test result with a low WBC.  One of the causes is leukemia, which is what took his father.  Lord, please ... I am not sure what to ask You.  The timing, where both Jim and DH were asymptomatic at roughly the same ages, is frightening.  Have mercy on us!  We have been married for 37 years, the longest on my side of the family and almost the longest on his.  Plus, God, DH is not a great patient.  (LOL!)  Please give his doctor wisdom and persuasiveness to get DH to address this problem (longstanding, from what I saw in his record, of about 2-3 years).

(If it would help, I would gladly donate blood to him.  I might not be able to since our blood types are not compatible.)

However, I return to the beauty of today.  This entry is a bit scattered, as am I.  Let me bask in mindfulness, recognizing that You are here with me now, today, and will be forever, no matter what happens.

I love You.

A Seven-Minute Session

The timer is set for seven minutes, Abba.  It is not nearly enough time to connect meaningfully with You.  However, knowing how distractible I am and can be, this time-limited appointment may help me to focus more intentionally during this small slice of my day.

I just finished a platelet donation and scooted over to Panera to have lunch.  (On the last donation, I got quite dizzy and needed time to recover, possibly because I did not eat well prior to the donation.)  I -- no, not I but You -- are meeting me here to have a chat, no?  I am listening.  What do You want to say to me?

So much!  My attitude comes to mind first of all.  I grow irritated at home and at the people who are either willfully or ignorantly choosing the wrong path and the wrong (IMHO) presidential candidate  I grow very judgmental and, in Your choice of words in the sermon from Acts last week, "distressed" by the "idols" in this culture and this country.  (Acts 17:16(

There is the timer.  I will honor it but this issue would be a great place to pick up on my next entry.  Until then!

A Mindful Minute

 I wish I could capture many of my thoughts and reflections when they happen. Sometimes, I have these wonderful insights (LOL—so arrogant of me) that escape me when I try to remember them.

Right now, the two men--Homo Sapiens and Canis Familiaris--are out walking. Hence, my mindful minute is only a minute. I have so much reflecting to do! Job/employment, service opportunities, my attitude, and frustration with DH and the house.

Distractions abound--I just texted my stepbrother about his son's birthday, my daughter's wedding, and my other daughter's half-marathon.

God, King of the universe, I want to capture one intense prayer that has lurked on the peripheries of my mind for a very long time--this election and the state of this nation. Lament--repentance--confession--pleading with You to spare us what we clearly deserve. Call Your people back to You and not to the false idols and false prophets that have captured Your people's devotion.

"As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."  Amen.

What You Want People to Know

 The thing that struck me in today's Bible passages was the repetition of the line

"Then you will know that I am the LORD." (Ezekiel 28: 23, 24, 26)

"Then all who live in [Egypt--or the world] will know that I am the LORD." (Ezekiel 29: 6, 8, 16 which mentions "Sovereign LORD" and 21)

May I, and everyone I love, know that You are the LORD and come to know that more and more! 

Ezekiel and the Certainty of Justice

 Father God, the recent readings in my Bible Recap (to which I am listening more than reading!) talk a lot about Your anger at Your wayward people and the need--yes, need--for corrective punishment.  It has made me consider the possibility that the era in which I am living will not go unpunished.  It has even made me wonder whether there may be an inevitability about the ongoing decline of this culture and the continuation of the willful evil and corruption in American politics and in American evangelicalism.  

It is breaking my heart.  

Please, Abba, reach my beloveds.  I am listening to The Chosen's Season 4 aftershow, and it is validating these themes from another period of time: from Lamentations in the Old Testatment, to Jesus's own time on earth, and right up until this year.  I don't know anymore how to talk to my unbelieving relatives and loved ones, especially given the terrible examples of our Christian family (or some of them).  Help me NOT to be one of those bad examples.  Help me remember to pray constantly for Your will to be done.  And help me to obey You everywhere You are working out Your will in front of me.

Hardship and Lamentation

 Poetry.  I have often wished that I had that gift.  I think that some of what is labeled "poetry" really isn't, but true poetry moves me.  The book of Lamentations does.

I (and I wish I didn't use the word "I" so much!) have avoided writing because almost as soon as I sit down to write, my eyes tear up.  The world, and especially this country, is such a mess.  Some people, like my DH, are very disconnected from the problems and live in their cocoons without seeming to realize that destruction could very well lie ahead, and not in the distance.  Judgment is so much closer than many want to recognize.  In these recent Bible readings of Jeremiah and Lamentations (but not only there), You mention promised punishment and discipline really often, God.  

And Your people sometimes suffer right alongside the sinners.

These are sobering thoughts, and juxtaposing them with "the joy of the Lord" is oxymoronic on its face.  I guess that is what I take away from Lamentations, and the commentaries that I heard today: it's not only just okay, but necessary and spiritually healthy, to lament and question and emote to You.  You kmow our hearts anyway; why hide?  (Adam and Eve, that was dumb.)  

If this is how I get to know You better, then I am all in.  Even as I sit here, I imagine (or do I sense?) You sitting next to me.  And here come the tears.  I imagine Your foreknowledge of all that You had to endure, and I imagine Your wanting to share some of Your deepest thoughts--just the ones You know I can handle right now.  We commiserate; we grieve over this fallen world and the misled people we both love.  And we go forward, in large part because it is impossible to go back.  (Rather like I felt once or twice during labor!)

I love You, God, as I have said before, so much and still not enough.  May it grow.

Punishment Will Come

Not undeservedly, Abba, will You discipline Your people.  Your heart may be angry, and it is also almost certainly broken, over the stubborn rebelliousness and stiff-necked resistance of Your children.  I think I would feel the same way.  These thoughts come from my TBR reading from Jeremiah today.  You all but guarantee punishment, knowing the hearts of Your beloved ones will not soften or turn to You.

Don't let me be the same way.

Intercession time:

• Christopher's permanent legal residency paperwork
• Repentance for the evangelical Christian church in the US
• The upcoming national election (Your will be done, no matter whether I agree)
• Direction for my next move vocationally and financially
• Wisdom--and more wisdom.  Discernment, too
• I am not sure how to pray for Tue and his faith.  It has become so complicated to "evangelize" when the evangelical church has become so disreputable and, frankly, stupid in many ways.

What to do next, Abba?  I need Your to-do list!

To You be the glory and may Your will be done.  Amen.

MercyMe - "I Can Only Imagine" Official Music Video

God Shot on Prophecy

 Abba, I will stay focused here for 15-18 minutes.  My ADHD may make that a little challenging, but nevertheless, I will remain on this site from 12:32 p.m. until 12:47-12:50 p.m.  :)

A lot of what I have been pondering in my devotional time and in the current sociopolitical landscape of the USA/evangelical Christianity is the recalcitrance of Your people--even those people who appear to be devoted, devout, and dedicated to You.  How do they, and we, fail to get Who You are and what Your heart's desires are?  I know how desperately wicked and deceptive my own heart is.  It makes it hard for me to trust that some of my thoughts, attitudes, and conclusions are validly from Your mind.  A posture of humility and submission to Your correction is essential and so rare.  Do I take pride in my obedience?  Yeah, sometimes.  I have grown up (thank you, Rick Anderson, and the Enneagram Style 2) valuing positive feedback as a fundamental part of my self-esteem.  It has served me in many good ways, but it has also misled me in some important life paths.  The only positive feedback I really need is Yours.  This year has reinforced that lesson with some pain and a great deal of reconsideration of what matters to me.  And also what matters to You.  

I know that You love me deeply and unconditionally, which brings me immense (may I even say "eternal"?) comfort.  I also know, dialectically, that I am deeply flawed and ugly in spirit--"poor in spirit," perhaps.  Reconciling these two absolute truths into a dialectic is a challenge and a wonderful mystery.  

But I digress.  Or do I?

I started by acknowledging that the human heart, whether others' or mine, is desperately wicked and prone to wander.  Why I pray for this country's repentance is a conundrum.  I know that there is great evil afoot, particularly in Republicanism and evangelical Christianity, and I also know that the opposite party focuses way too much on human goodness, freedom, and self-reliance rather than on repentance and dependence on You.  Integrating these realizations for the purpose of good citizenship is challenging.  This challenge brings me back to the truth that I am not only, and far from most importantly, a citizen of this country but even more so a citizen of Heaven.  I miss my home, though I have never been there!  "I can only imagine...."

Time to move on with the day, Abba.  I am crying, of course.  Any time I connect with You I can't seem to help it.  I love You so much and still not enough!  Amen.

PS Safety for Amy's flight home from Mexico, please?  

Audacious Ask

I don't know why I seem to have been avoiding spending some time in prayer, Adonai Abba.  I seem to be constantly prayer-minded all day long, particularly in my solitude these days (although I do have Bailey). I know I have been preoccupied with the election and the ways in which it intersects with evangelical Christianity (not necessarily the faith involving a relationship with Jesus).  

I just did it again.  So, I shut down my phone.  :)

A quick dump of rapid-fire, flash round issues:

• Going to Michigan to see Debbie
• Dale and the ultra-conservative, angry position he is in
• The unresolved workplace violence/discrimination grievance
• My own next step(s)
• The usual prayer for family members all across relationships (nuclear, extended, in-law, etc.)
• Pursuit of the final internships for the CAGS in School Counseling

And the "audacious ask" in the title--what would my most audacious ask of You be?  I do NOT want to fall into the traps that I see laid out in The Chosen, in my Bible Recap readings, and in the apparent deception of, and in, the evangelical community of 2024 (a little before, up to the present, and possibly beyond).  You are not my vending machine, and I determine not to use audacity to ask for earthly things.  (PS Thank You, omnipotent God, for the prisoner release of the American hostages taken by Russia.)  

What, then, shall I request of You?

From The Message, a contemporary and simplified interpretation:

I'm asking GOD for one thing, only one thing: To live with him in his house my whole life long.  I'll contemplate his beauty; I'll study at his feet.  That's the only quiet, secure place in a noisy world, The perfect getaway, far from the buzz of traffic. (Psalm 27: 4-5)

Quite consistent with my focus on my "one thing" philosophy of life!

Abba Adonai, let this then be my audacious ask.  If I am now Your temple (1 Corinthians 6:19), then I can live with You literally all the time, 24/7.  The world is indeed noisy, and I need that quiet, secure place as a getaway contemplate and study the things that characterize You--to know YOU.  That sounds like an audacious ask, indeed.  May You and I together make it so.

Amen!

Direction, Please?

 Abba Adonai (if that is even an appropriate title to use for You), it has been two weeks since the last difficult (but not as difficult) job loss.  I wanted to take time to listen to You; yet I fear I have filled the time with "productivity."  That might not be terrible in itself.  However, if I need to listen to You, distraction does not lend itself well, if at all, to careful, discerning listening.

So, Adonai in heaven, I will ask outright what You want me to do next.  There are many things waiting for my attention, and several possible options for next steps.  There is -- there are -- several things I do not want to give up, nor do I currently believe it is Your will for me to give up: volunteering at the school and giving platelets regularly are two of those important things.  Are there other things to do for You?  I stopped for a second on my ability to do anything *for* You.  You do not need me!  Perhaps I would do better to ask what You want me to do to contribute to Your kingdom.

• Volunteering--no supplemental income
• Working part-time--difficulty with time off?
• Working full-time--same as above, less flexible time to volunteer or be available for others (my mother)
• Private practice--version one, for an online agency--some demands for the aforementioned productivity, perhaps a lack of self-confidence on my part.
• Private practice--version two, for myself--overhead costs, liabilities, documentation, but possibility for flexibility and income

Dear Adonai, please tell me what You want.  This could be a wonderful period of time for me and for the family and for the benefit of Your church.  Help me to use it wisely.

Amen and for Your glory!

Lots of Titles

"Modern-Day Prophecy"

"The Upside-Down"

"Listening to the Message"

These are only some of the titles for posts that have crossed my mind over the past few weeks.  The more I listen to my Bible readings (thanks to The Bible Recap!), the more I see that nothing in human hearts really ever changes without the specific ministrations of the Holy Spirit.  

But isn't that always the way?  Humans, including me, often cannot see past the ends of their own noses.  Humans want power in this world.  Humans are hopeless without Your intervention, Adonai.  The prophets to whom I have been listening (thanks to those who read the Bible for others) emphasize the wickedness of the human heart, the disciplinary punishment -- and sometimes unavoidable consequences -- by You, Lord, and the overarching purpose of being in a relationship.

July 24 addendum: Just going to wrap up this entry for the sake of clarity.  More to come!

The View of the Vistas

 Almost a month.  So many contradictory messages and experiences.  I am not sure I will recall all of them, but some are recent, fresh, and frustrating:

• Today, in the end of a frustrating week, the group therapy schedule for the new adult unit came under scrutiny.  Last week, I had suggested pulling one therapist from each of three units to run a group each on the new unit, running with only three groups on each of the units.  I was told that this was not only against protocol but also against regulations.  So what happened today? The outgoing director of social work pulled one therapist from each of three units to staff the new unit.  ???
• I was told, with some stated certainty, that the unit that will come under renovation (to add 4 additional beds) will absolutely close on Monday, July 15, in order to start those renovations.  Now I surmise, by virtue of the promise to staff groups for next week on the new unit, that the renovating unit will NOT close and therefore release its group therapist to staff the new unit.  (Hard to follow, but read it slowly.)
• 
  Three minutes before arriving at TV for the rescheduled ice cream party, I received a text that "policy" prohibited my coming into the hospital while on "vacation."  I had been on Teams meetings and email and texts for the prior two days, trying to solve problems and stay informed.  I did not hide this activity.  I was also never apprised of any such policy--or any policies at the Vistas, for that matter.

(I will save this in draft form until I can revisit the month.  I will pray--hard--that the Holy Spirit will superglue my mouth shut about these contradictions and inconsistencies.  Holy Spirit, accept my prayer!)

Update 7/19/24: Last Friday I received a call releasing me under the probationary period.  The letter was not gracious.  I am, frankly, relieved.

Wish for a Whole Day to Pray

I could use an entire day for a spiritual retreat.  My head is swirling with thoughts, plans, observations, interpretations, and, unfortunately, some fears.  I know--I know!--that You never rush, You never get overwhelmed, You never run late.  Not like me!  At those times, I have begun to take a breath and a moment to center and check in with You.  "What am I supposed to do next, God?  I am listening."

Hence, this entry.  This is what I was supposed to do at this moment.

I have finished one week at TaraVista.  Impressions are variable, but I feel hopeful and called to this place at this time for Your purposes.  If I ever needed wisdom, and I have needed it badly for many years, I need it more than ever now.  Help me, God, to pause before my mouth engages.  Help me to listen to Your Spirit and to speak words of life.  I don't want to work at a long career at TaraVista, but the income and the sense of restoration are wonderful right now.  Thank You.

Biblically, what Your Spirit is whispering to my soul in my Bible Recap "readings" (i.e., listening) has involved the consistent disregard over millennia for doing life Your way.  This is not a new phenomenon in the recent decade or so.  The MAGA and evangelical people seem to believe two errors: one, that things were so much better as to approach perfection in a recent time in the past, and two, that governments or lack of governments can make a country or a society "so much better."  It has always been Your plan to change hearts, not laws.  Ah, God!  Change my heart!

I love You so much and not enough.  Amen.

Grateful for Everything

 Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; give thanks in all circumstances...

...for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

It feels like we are at the end of a rough season, Abba.  At the same time, it feels like we may be beginning another rough patch in national politics and global unrest, even war.  

Help me to be clear-eyed about Your will.  The surprise ending of the third episode of The Chosen Season Four raises the deep and difficult issue about the character of Your will on many occasions.  We think, as humans, that we know what is good and "best," but we don't think correctly!  Your will is determined by so many pieces of knowledge and foreknowledge that my human mind cannot even begin to imagine.  What are *You* doing in this situation, this world--and most importantly for my relationship with You, my own life?

More than ever before in my 67+ years of life and my 50-ish years of knowing You, I realize that the reality of persecution and evil leadership and distortion of true worship of You is far more current nonfiction than historical or fictional recountings.  It was easier on my immature faith to believe that pastors and ministers all knew, preached, and respected truth.  Now I feel more mature and at the same time deeply disillusioned.  I also do not trust in my own ability to discern truth all the time.  That would be arrogant and a lot like the grandiose but ignorant certainty embraced by so many "Christians" who embrace beliefs and positions that make me cringe.  I can only, and always, refer back to You and ask You, in my childlike way, to explain these complicated and often distorted issues to me.

I fear being gaslit.  YOU are the Voice of Truth.  And I determine to be grateful for *everything,* even all the bad people like lying politicians, corrupt ministers of the Gospel, evil-intentioned employers and managers in my job, and other sinners.

May I follow You even when it makes no sense, even when others in my "Christian" world are trending a different and often opposite way, and may I (with my physical and spiritual deafness) hear You in the cacophony of voices in the foreground and the background of this tangled web of influences in this current world.

Come, Lord Jesus.  Maranatha!

Thankful Reflection

 

Abba, today I am most grateful for You.  You are always faithful.  I reflect on the sufferings of Your people who are persecuted, some of whom have even been tortured, imprisoned, or even killed--and You are still faithful and they still find joy in Your will.  

These months of waiting (10 months now) have not been easy although they have not risen to the level of suffering that others of Your saints have endured.  Now I feel like the Biblical Old Testament Joseph.  He remained steadfast despite being falsely accused and punished for it.  He continued to worship You and represent You.  Ultimately, You restored him to a place of respect.  Now I have my retirement pay, even retroactive, and the prospect of a new job with a salary greater than what I could have earned with my previous job.

I will miss these times with You (and Bailey by my side here).  I will miss walking during the middle of the day at Tower Hill, but weekends, watch out.  I will miss the flexibility of being at home, and the relief from the stress and absurdities of my former job--but not the stress and absurdities.  Maybe there will be new stress and new absurdities.  I know You will remain faithful and we will get through it together.

A new chapter is being written in my story now.  There are a couple of plot lines that need to be resolved.  I look forward to seeing how You write the endings of those plots.

I love You--so much and not nearly enough.

Direction on Directorship

 Father God, what a shock to receive an invitation to consider the position of Director of Social Work at TaraVista.  What an honor and what a vindication.  As much as the experience of the past year has hurt and even wounded me, this invitation has brought a measure of salve and comfort.  It may be too soon to know whether full healing has started, but the reprieve feels nice.  

Now I ask for Your direction.  The money is a big incentive.  Full-time is not my preference, but nothing is forever.  In fact, if I had not been "discharged," I would still be working full-time.  Did You shove me out of a job for the purpose of giving me more free time?  Or did You shove me out of government service and an unhealthy working environment for the purpose of giving me something better?  Help me to hear what You are directing (word choice intentional) me to do.  I like the opportunity to be generous and to plan for future housing costs, both repairs and purchase.  Please be clear!  You know my heart inclines toward You and Your purposes in my life, in my family, and in Your world.  I see in Scripture that some of Your people believed they were doing the right thing for You but it was neither at Your direction nor with Your blessing.

Waiting for You, Father God.  Amen.

Every One Matters

Jehovah Jireh, my provider, thank You for the job and the funds with which we hope to serve and bless You and Your people.  I will miss all the "tiempo libre" and the time with "mi perro," and I will look forward to structuring my time differently after 10-11 months of this unexpected break.  Please direct me during this time of readjustment.

The "Every One Matters" title is pertinent in two ways.  I first considered this my God Shot for the 1 Chronicles readings today because You mention so many people and their relatives by name.  It occurred to me that each person is significant enough to call out individually.  You really care deeply not just about the masses but each child (no matter their age).  Secondly, if I am to take on the Social Work Supervisor role for TaraVista, then the "every one matters" philosophy will be important to implement as a supervisor and as a provider of clinical services.  I may want to make a poster of this.

God, I feel Your healing touch.  There is a lot to heal.  I also praise You for discipline in Your love and love in Your discipline.  If I may, I also want to intercede for my daughters in their places of service today and going forward.  The world needs more Millenials like my daughters, who serve individuals and foster their growth in several meaningful ways.  Please provide for them as You are providing for me.

I love You.  Amen.
 

A New Vista?

 

Lord God, my God, I do not want to charge ahead with a big decision about accepting a full-time job without consulting with You.  In The Bible Recap's readings so far this year, one "God Shot" that weaves through many of the experiences of Your people is their failure to listen to You.  Still, You rescue them even when You discipline them.  Let my mind be clear, Your voice be loud enough to hear You through my spiritual deafness, and this decision be made with the heart intent to glorify You.  It seems providential--the word "provide" is in there--and it also seems redemptive and restorative.  Selfishly, I will probably miss all the free time I have enjoyed.  Equally selfishly, I will probably enjoy having some extra money to spend and share and save for our long-term goals.

DH agrees.  Both he and I would like a part-time option, and perhaps that will come later.  In the meantime, God, thank You.  (I am a little worried that the next part of the process will require references, and I will put that in Your hands right now.)

You really are the Greatest, the King above all Kings, and a Good, Good Father.  Not to even get close to a Blessed Redeemer~~

Amen.

Some Answered Prayers

Abba God, do You ever get tired (so to speak) of all my complaining? Much of my prayer lately has been complaining about all the bad, awful things that have happened over the past year. Over the past three days or so, there have been some breathtaking and tear-jerking answers to prayer that deserve to be noted:

• Julie: For our Mother's Day call, she seemed slightly discouraged about her job prospects. Then, yesterday, she dropped a one-line text announcing that she had just received an unofficial job offer from a positive prospect. Thank You so much, Father!  
• What also deeply blessed me was the near-immediate answer to this prayer for Julie on my prayer walk at Tower Hill yesterday. I cannot capture the intimacy of that prayer time in words; I want to describe one "vision" I had of You. It was more than a vision, though. I also felt You.  (Cue the tears here....)  As I walked, I envisioned You walking next to me, saying nothing but just looking at me with those amazing eyes, and then, still saying nothing, taking my hand. Thank You for that beautiful, *touching* experience. You are real, and no one can ever convince me otherwise.
• More answered prayer: I received a letter today from the Retirement Board stating that my retirement date is officially February 19, 2024. The letter was dated May 13, 2024 (Monday) and signed by Stephanie, with whom I had spoken back in March. I admit to being still skeptical, and I called my other contact, Daren, to confirm it. If this is true, however, it could be a financial relief *IF* the retirement checks come sooner as a result. Thank You for this, too.
• Another possible positive answered prayer: In a conversation with Tatiana from the Department of Unemployment Assistance (DUA), she asked me to clarify my disputed version of my discharge from my job. I was somewhat emotional, not crying but with emphatic descriptions of the course of events and questions about why I would ever do what I am accused of doing. She was professional and yet supportive. I cannot yet be sure, but when I checked the DUA site today, she might have made me eligible for some unemployment benefits. If so ( or even if not ), thank You for the opportunity to tell my story and maybe for a little cash cushion. If it comes through, You will get some of it, directed to The Journey.
  
• Then come the job possibilities.   I thank You for these at the same time that I ask for Your clear direction. Am I being greedy, or am I responding to the ideas of 1) using my gifts and talents for others and for You and 2) having additional money to share and invest in Your work in the world. You know what I would miss most, Abba? Walking with Bailey. He has become my buddy! I would also miss volunteering at the Belmont Community School, although that may resolve itself by October, when I would want to resume those precious visits.

I know I could go on and on. You always answer prayer. It isn't always the answer I want, of course. (In fact, I have begun to wonder about the entire administrative leave-to-discharge/firing thing. It feels a little, or even a lot, like Joseph's "Man meant it for evil but God meant it for good" experience.)  More importantly, I feel much
closer to You because of this (relatively weak!) suffering.  

Abba God, I don't love You enough, but I love You.  Amen.

No Stopping

 "Pray without ceasing." "Pray continually." "Never stop praying."

In actual practice, Father God, this is not so easy to do.  Distractions are my number-one problem in obeying this command.  Focus (is this related to distraction?) is another; that is, where do I concentrate the time that I do have?  Defining prayer to be broader, much broader, than intercession is another issue.  There is SO much to talk to You about!  Most times I just do not know where to start, and many times I am not sure where to end, either.

But I will not stop.  I want to seek Your pointing finger regarding a job.  I want to listen to Your soft, comforting voice about the country, the world, and especially the Church.  I want to ask for all Your attention and all Your blessings for my family members and especially for my daughters.  And most of all, and most of the time, I just want to sit with You.  This idea brings tears to my eyes, Lord.  (And out of my eyes, too.)

One issue I am grappling with that I need to ask You about is the grievance resolution and this subtle prompting to write about it.  I cannot determine whether that is coming from You or from me.  Would You make it clearer for me?  I am seeing, and I have seen, instances where "good" ideas might not have come from You.  Biblically, there seem to be a few of them in Your Old Testament people's experiences.  Let me not get ahead of You and Your permission and direction--Your "Go!"

I love You.  Amen.

A Timely Tryst

Well, my time has been used up a little by job searching, health appointments, and other considerations as I sit here at Panera.  I was looking forward to this time away from home to focus in a private place--funny that Panera is more "private" than home, with the risk of DH wanting to know what I am doing or writing--and to make this diary/journal/blog entry.  Abba, I need to get my head in Your game.  What are You pointing to for me?  For my daughters?  Especially for Julie, Abba, I ask for Your quick and clear provision for her next vocational and financial step.  It would help her faith, and probably Tue's faith, to see You respond early and maybe even miraculously.  I know, and most mature Christians know, that miracles are not a right but a privilege, that miracles are intended to respond to and develop the recipient's faith in You.  Can You see how this would help Julie and Tue?  Of course You can!  :)  

Please also clear the path for Amy and Chris.  I admit to discouragement with the delay in their promised engagement.  It is not my relationship, though.  Please hasten the resolution of Chris's immigration application, especially if that is the hindrance to a formal engagement.  Please also guard Amy during her trip to Poland with the Messiah students.  It is a wonderful opportunity, and it is not lost on me that Your apostles faced far greater dangers in their travels.  (But they were not my children.... )

I have to go now.  I love You, but not enough!  Until another time, soon~~

Prayer for My People

Abba, DH is out but only ~18 minutes away.  I was listening to The Beagle Lady (really good stuff!) and lost track of Our time.  Here are a few things I want to talk to You about because "I can pray to God for others [and myself, too]."

• Julie's job situation: Please, dear Father, show her Your faithful provision for all her needs, especially her vocational and financial needs right now.  It would have been less anxiety-producing if she had a job offer in hand prior to resigning from Harrity, but her hand was forced and we will rest in the knowledge that You had this knowledge already.  Build her faith *and* be her Jehovah Jireh, please.
• Amy's relationship with Christopher: Since I can't hid anything from You anyway, I will just say it--what is taking him so long??  Please, Father, hustle this relationship along a little bit, if just for me (selfishly).  And BTW, please bless that trip to Poland next week.  It is exciting and a little anxiety-producing at the same time, as any international travel is in these uncertain times.
• DH: Since he is close, I cannot go into as much detail as I would like.  But here again, I count on Your omniscience.  You know what I need to do and what I need to say to You.  And I appreciate that.

Be glorified in my life, Abba God.  There are many problems and demands on us right now, and learning to hear Your still, small voice of direction can be challenging when the cacophony is overwhelming.  Love You!

Intercessions

 Addenda, Father:

• Julie's job search
• Christopher's proposal to Amy!!
• Tue's faith and salvation
• Our decisions about house renovations and maintenance
• Our decision about a second home in PA
• My sister's motherly grief

There is SO much more. Some of the things tormenting my heart are the stupidity, delusions, and lies that characterize many of the citizens of this country at this time—the citizens of the world, really.  It bothers me deeply that truth, and especially You, the Truth, is rejected by so many.  I guess this has been foretold for many generations; Your people have always been a small minority, the gods of the world have always fought hard against You, and You never promise that everyone will love You---only that they will bow the knee to You eventually.  But the misleading!  Good-hearted people who profess to love and follow You are so deluded!  Talk about optical illusions.  These are spiritual delusions, I think.

But for now, let
me focus on my family's following You and listening to Your directions.  You know I am a little hard-of-hearing, Father, so please raise Your voice a little.  I am paying attention.

More Listening: Six Psalms

Why, Father God, do You take so long to exert Your justice and power?  I don't ask that in a challenging way but in a sincerely curious way.  I have even begun (slow learner) to see that You do not always--or even frequently--rescue Your beloved ones from what the world would consider terrible situations, even death.  I am remembering the Oscar-winning movie "JoJo Rabbit," in which people who sheltered Jewish people were put to death.  This story is also told in Corrie tenBoom's life and book "The Hiding Place."  I think that less mature Christians, who are children in their faith, expect heroic and miraculous rescues in which You swoop in like Superman to save the victim and restore law and order.

It isn't always so, is it?  When I sat down to make this prayer entry, I wanted to do it while listening to today's devotional readings from Psalms.  Sure enough, in the first of six, there it is.

"How long, LORD? Will You hide Yourself forever?

Remember how fleeting is my life.  For what futility You have created all humanity!

Lord, where is Your former great love, which in Your faithfulness You swore to [me]? Remember, Lord, how Your servant has been mocked ("gross misconduct," violence, religious bigotry), how I bear in my heart the taunts of all the nations, the taunts with which Your enemies, LORD, have mocked, with which they have mocked every step of Your anointed one."

(all from Psalm 89)

But the ending: Praise be to the LORD forever! AMEN AND AMEN.

Make this true in my life, dearest God.  I surrender, I submit, I await Your voice and Your face.  Show Yourself to me, please? 

 

 

Another Quick One

•  Job?
• Julie's job?
• Amy & Chris
• The world and the people in it
• Listening to You

Abba, I have only a few minutes because DH is in town and on his way home.  Please grant direction in these and the many more areas that I bring before You but may not have time to elaborate.  I am trying to listen to You!

Quick!

 Hey, Abba!  DH is too close to home for a long post.  Just checking in to say I love You and I am feeling very much supported by You.  You speak to me often these days, I think.  Don't allow me to misinterpret Your messages.

'Til next time....

Confidence in Chaos

Good morning, Abba.  I am a little scattered today and I chose the title for this post because it reflects what I need: confidence in chaos.  (I am listening to my beagle's deep, sleepy breathing and it calms me, too.) 

Help me to be more gentle with my increasingly disorganized husband.  He is not completely disorganized; don't get me wrong.  I get frustrated when he is illogical, when he misunderstands me, when he focuses on minutiae and misses the bigger points and issues.  I am afraid that he might have encroaching age-related cognitive decline, and I am disappointed in his lack of ambition and direction in anything other than his woodworking business.  That is not entirely true: he is committed to the refugee ministry, too.  However, he seems to be neglecting our home and its upkeep and maintenance, especially on projects that I am unable to do.

So that is my confession, Abba, for today.  :(  Today, I am preparing for our church dinner.  I need to get moving soon.  My YD has distracted me with her dental anxiety, which is not a complaint.  BTW, Abba, please calm her anxiety and grant her the peace and comfort of Your presence.  That is something I typically would forget to bring to You--stupidly, I admit, but You care for even the smallest details of our lives and relationships.

Maybe that is my "God Shot" for today....

I love You, too.  Gotta run!

Deep Breath

 

Hi, Abba.  My head is cluttered.  I think that may be the propulsion behind my effort to declutter a little bit today.  There is such a lot, such a large number, of issues swirling around my life that I do what many people seem to do: ignore them all.

• Bailey and I went for a 20-minute walk in the drizzle at Davis Hill just a little while ago.  That felt good!
• I watched ~52 minutes of the Recall Training video done by The Beagle Lady today.  That felt good, too.
• I am still waiting for the grievance decision.  I suspect I will be waiting for a long time, if history is a good predictor.
• The job interview scheduled for this past Monday was rescheduled because the interviewer called in sick.  It is now a virtual interview for this coming Monday at 11 a.m.  May Your will be done.
• In the meantime, I need to respond to at least three job offers in order to satisfy unemployment rules...IF they have even approved my application.

See what I mean, Abba?  And this does not even take into account the party for my MIL on Saturday, or the Community Dinner next Friday, or teaching Sunday School, or whatever pops up and requires flexibility.  

But You are always sufficient.  You are enough.  My "God Shot" today might have been the subtext of the last chapters of 1 Samuel and the first chapters of 2 Samuel--that it is not only entirely possible but also entirely usual that people *think* they are following, honoring, and obeying You but they are not.  Some of this is attributable to not listening closely enough to You or going ahead with what they think is what You want.  So much of that very same thinking is present in this time, this culture.  Help me, Abba, to know You so well that I know what You would want and to listen to You so carefully that I know what You are commanding.  Please.

Amen.

There You Are Again

 From today's psalms:

• Psalms 7:8 "Let [You] judge the peoples.  Vindicate me, Lord, according to my righteousness, according to my integrity, O Most High."
• Psalms 31:17-18 "Let me not be put to shame, LORD, for I have cried out to You; but let the wicked be put to shame and be silent in the realm of the dead.  Let their lying lips be silenced, for with pride and contempt they speak arrogantly against the righteous."
• Psalms 31:12 "I am forgotten as though I were dead...."
• Psalms 34:13 "keep your tongue from evil and your lips from telling lies."
• Psalms 34:15 "The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous, and His ears are attentive to their cry"
• Psalms 34:17 "The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them"
• Psalms 52:2-4 "You who practice deceit, your tongue plots destruction; it is like a sharpened razor.  You love evil rather than good, falsehood rather than speaking the truth.  You love every harmful word, you deceitful tongue!"

And finally:

    "I trust in [Your] unfailing love for ever and ever....And I will hope in Your name, for Your name is good." (Psalsm 52:8b and 9b)

Truth and justice, O Lord my God, are the cries of my heart!  Amen.

Voice of God, Voice of Truth

 

Maybe practice is making me better at hearing You (I am recalling that funny reel where a child protests the "practice makes perfect" platitude!) because I feel like I am hearing Your voice more often in these days of difficulty.  Most recently, in the TBK (The Bible Kneecap) podcast yesterday, these words came off the page and out of the speaker with power:

"We praise You for the way sin bends to serve Your ultimate will.  It never has the last word, God, and that is so comforting."

I could not have needed that truth more.  Her first statement addressed "Your sovereignty over timing."  In my readings/listenings, it is clearer to me than ever that our human version of "all things work together for good for those who love God" is often distorted, if not outright corrupted, by our humanity.  Many of Your people died believing in You.  Many suffered and continue to suffer.  Sometimes it is years, if ever, that we see Your deliverance here on earth.  Will that be so for me?  Will I see justice?  I will continue to cry out for justice just as Your people have done for millennia.  I will also be content to trust Your sovereignty over timing.  

All things for Your will, Abba.  Amen!

Taking Every Thought Captive

"We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."  2 Corinthians 10:5

Abba, so many thoughts about the hearing this morning on the Step 3 grievance.  I know that I have cried out to you for justice.  I continue to cry out for justice.  I believe that You revealed a few things this morning that I want to capture here for Your help in assessing them for truth:

1) The basic difference of recollection, which I have difficulty not calling an outright lie, involves the charge that I "ripped off" a hijab. That just did not happen.  If I start from that point of difference, much of the subsequent actions and disclosures fit into the puzzle more fully.

2) Near the beginning of the hearing, the Assistant COO/Compliance was asked for her recollection of the events of the day.  She struggled.  Of course, that day is now 10 months in the past; I have to concede that.  One of the things that she emphasized, however, struck me: The ACOO stated that the person was very upset *and that they spent a lot of time discussing the many instances of discrimination in DMH and at WRCH.*  To me it seemed that the focus of the discussion was not on my specific interaction with this person but on the general atmosphere of discrimination that the person had experienced over a long period of time.

3) The DMH person handling that side of the hearing (WT) emphasized how long the process of investigation often takes.  He claimed, admitting that he did not have any documentation, that the investigation and the Show Cause hearing were ongoing and in process well before the publication of the article.  This troubled me because it is a claim that cannot be verified.  It also leads into the next point.

4) Once the article was published, the process went remarkably quickly.  Reasoning that the article only came out in the July 12 edition of the journal, and that people might not have read it immediately, it seems that the intervening week and a half would cover the discovery of the article and discussion about how to address this revelation.

The following is my opinion only: Even the witness's statement described a pleasant and even complimentary interaction between the person and me.  If, as I noted earlier, the person complained more broadly about DMH and WRCH--remember, she was initially not inclined per ACOO report to file a complaint--then I might be the scapegoat to prove that DMH/WRCH were addressing workplace violence and discrimination seriously.  Reportedly, the HRO encouraged the person to file a complaint, but what was not said was whether the complaint would be just against me or more generally against the department and the hospital.  (NB The HRO had come to me on the down-low to give me a heads-up that this situation was happening, and not the way he had anticipated.)

Well, God, as with everything, the situation is fully in Your hands.  I am safe there no matter what happens.  There is no place I would rather be.

I love You, too, so much--and not enough.

Amen.

Prayer Time with Many Issues

Abba Father, we will see a tentatively scheduled hearing on the termination grievance this week.  May I cry out to You for justice?  I see Your people across millennia being oppressed by others, which You have allowed but from which You want to set Your people free.  I have tried to take Your viewpoint on this situation, believing that You had allowed it to happen with little to no forewarning.  I can't see what I could have done differently since the interaction seemed innocuous and friendly.  My heart cries out for justice.  I know that there are SO many Bible verses asking You to bring justice, and trying to choose one that captures my sadness and my pleading would take a lot of time and even more confusion.  This may be a good one, though, thanks to a Google search:

"Don't you know [yes, I do!] that God, the true judge, will grant justice to all his chosen ones who cry out to him night and day?  He will pour out his Spirit upon them." Luke 18:7  TPT

"EVEN EVIL BENDS TO GOD'S WILL." (Tara-Leigh on today's recap)

Abba, I am ready to be drenched in Your Spirit.  At least I am, and I definitely want to be.  I want to be one of those chosen ones who cries out to You constantly, all day long, and I pray that You will grant justice to me.  You are my true judge; You are the world's true judge.  We all need true and wise judges more than ever before.  Whatever Your will for the outcome of this trying trial, may I accept it graciously and faithfully.

As Tara-Leigh says,

I love You, too.  Amen.

Counting on You

 "...even God’s enemies who have deceived God’s people end up serving God’s purposes and glory."  Tara-Leigh Cobble on Day 84 of The Bible Recap transcript.

Oh, Abba, I considered writing this entry about courage and discouragement.  I am struggling lately with the discouragingly slow pace of resolving my dilemma with work, or more accurately, with termination from work.  One of the recent verses from Joshua references both courage and discouragement: 

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:9

These are commands.  That they are commands implies that I have some role in obeying these commands.  That implication suggests that courage and discouragement are less emotionally based than behaviorally based.  Is that right?  How do I behave courageously?  Do I make myself do something in the face of, against the background of, feelings of discouragement? 

Show me, Abba, what to do.  I will do it.  In the meantime, I will ask You every day for Your agenda.  So far today, when I jotted down three things (and two other things that I did not write down), I have done all but one.  Time to go do that one thing.

I am counting on You, Abba, to do something big and miraculous and maybe unexpected or even unimaginable, the way you did in Joshua 9-11, my reading today,

I love You, too.

Calm My Anxious Heart

 Abba, there is a lot coming up in my life in the next 2-4 weeks.  

• I learned that a hearing date for the grievance of inappropriate termination is likely to happen during the week of March 25
• --when we are supposed to be in New Jersey.  
• I am trying to figure out what to do about income and insurance, particularly dental and vision.  
• I am writing statements in my head for all the things I would like the grievance officer to learn.  
• I am anticipating my niece's funeral and the profound sadness that will accompany that day.  

I am trying to stay focused, Abba, without feeling overwhelmed.  I am not succeeding too well.  Things come and go from my memory and my consciousness without leaving traces or hints.  

I admit, Father God, that I am distracted.  I will try to get one task completed before I leave.  Forgive me for all the things, attitudinal and behavioral, known and unknown, that constitute sin against You.  Purify my heart and direct my path--and calm my anxious heart.

Love You.  Amen.

Curse to Blessing

 Deuteronomy 23:5 NLT "He [The LORD your God] turned the intended curse into a blessing because the Lord your God loves you."

I am afraid to take this verse out of context and to apply it to the upcoming grievance hearing, Abba. Would You let it be so?  I need a little encouragement,

Also in Nehemiah 13:2!  (Referring to the same Bible event with Balaam)