So Many Prayer Needs

Good morning on this Lord's Day, Father God, and this Father's Day.  I am here at Appletree watching the worship service on the downstairs television, via AirPlay (neat program!), at the invitation of our silly beagle.  He is not allowed on the upstairs sofa, but he is allowed on the downstairs futon.  Hence, this location.

My Father in heaven, Your name is most holy.  May Your Kingdom come and may Your will be done.  It is so hard for me to see what is happening in the United States as Your will--but then again, You have said that Your kingdom is *not* of this world, haven't You?  One of the things that saddens my heart so deeply is the deception of people who claim to follow You.  Sometimes I fear that I am the one being deceived.  May it not be so, Father.  May I stay so close to You, to Jesus, to the Spirit that You will tell me what is truth and what is falsehood.

The title of this post reflects my feeling overwhelmed by all the issues requiring prayer: those of which I am aware, and SO many that dodge my awareness.  Just for some kind of accountability, please allow me to free-associate here for prayer needs:

• My own little family: my husband and my two daughters and all their various life needs
• My family of origin: my mother (age, blindness, peace in her needs and pains), my sister with dementia, my sister with a daughter caught in alcoholism.
• My sons-in-law: Tue and his journey to a relationship with You, Chris (technically not yet my son-in-law, but...) and his immigration hurdles and potholes.
• My in-laws through my husband: the urgent medical problems of my brothers-in-law Cliff and Bruce, my own challenging emotional disconnection from the others in the family.
• My church, its pastors and staff and ministries.
• This country--I can no longer say "my" country.  (Tom is preaching about idols, and he rightly points out that some idolatry may look a bit like patriotism or loyalty to a person or party--my interpretation, but I believe a valid one.)
• Our Ice Cream Outreach next week--weather, attendance, etc.
• MY OWN HEART, which is feeling crusty.  I grow impatient, frustrated, and sometimes arrogant regarding my own grasp of complicated concepts when others are slower to understand if they understand at all.

Why?

"For false messiahs and false prophets will rise up and perform great signs and wonders so as to deceive, if possible, even God's chosen ones."  Matthew 24:24

Father God, my Father in heaven, Your name is holy.  I have been pondering the theme of "truth" in my devotional times, in conjunction with my annual theme of "peace."  I looked up the number of times the word "truth" occurs in the New International Version--and not any variation of the word or related synonym--and the number is 137.  I would learn from this that truth is very important to You.

I titled this post "Why?" because I am troubled by the deception of good people by the blatant lying of the former President.  It grieves my heart deeply that people, some of whom I love, are blinded and fooled by a shameless charlatan.  You would think that with 37+ years of experience in psychiatry, I would know how useless it is to reason with a deluded person.  That is what I see: delusion, psychosis, paranoia, arrogance, magical thinking, and circular reasoning.  Remember when I took a logic class in undergraduate school?  I still remember much of the content.  Now, I fear, the folie a deux is really a folie a beaucoup, and the presentation of any truth by any responsible, trustworthy person would be torpedoed as "rigged" or "tainted" or "biased."

Your kingdom come, Your will be done.  Is this Your will?  Maybe it is?  As we get closer to the end times (maybe not "imminent" in my desired understanding, but maybe "imminent" in the sense that seems to be happening in the political world), no matter how faithful Your people are, things are going to be bad.  But light shines brightest in the darkness, doesn't it?  I fear that my own light, and perhaps the light of the Church, is a low-wattage light.  I need to have You power up my lumens and clean my vessel so that You shine through me.

Lead me not into temptation, Father.  My biggest temptations occur in my heart, soul, and mind.  I get sarcastic, snarky, angry, condescending--and not loving, not reflective of You.  

For Yours is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory, forever and ever~~Amen!

Prompt for My Family

 Jesus, mostly because I was stuck regarding how to spend this time alone (well, with Bailey) in a prayerful posture, I looked up prayer journal prompts.  The suggestion for today is "My Family" and the Biblical anchor is Psalm 103:17-18--

"But the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting

On those who fear Him,

And His righteousness to children's children,

To such as keep His covenant,

And to those who remember His commands."

I started to list my family members in my head before I read these verses.  Then I saw "His righteousness to children's children" and those words touched this old woman's heart!  Yes, Lord Jesus, I would love to see grandchildren.  Before that--mainly because that is *so* not in my control--I would love to have a plan to...well, see my grandchildren often and lovingly!  So here is my ask, my request: Would You show me, show us (DH, not as easy to convince), how to arrange this?  Then give us both the courage to take the steps that You direct.

I also find myself thinking about my son-in-law Tue.  (He is a focus of a separate blog.)  How long, Lord Jesus, until You look him in the eyes and into his soul, convincing him of Your love and perfection and turning his attention to You and away from the misled and corrupt Christians in historical times and in modern times?  Please do this soon.  I am convinced that time is short until Your return, and times are uncertain.  

I need to close my own eyes until DH gets home from his act of service to his mother on her birthday weekend.  I want more time, but as You said, "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak."

I love You so much!

 

 

Reflection

 

Good morning, Lord.  My DH is at the Men's Breakfast, learning about one of the latter fruits of the Spirit.  My canine companion is beside me on the futon.  I have stripped one bed; the cat is snuggled up on the other, unmade, which of course, means I can't finish taking those sheets.  I have taken a table to the dining room in preparation for our Easter Saturday Supper (and may have hurt my toe in the process, but whatever).  I am getting ready for one client at 11:30 a.m.  

And so distractible.  Lots to do, and I play word games.  (Did well in them, though!)

The world and the country are at war, both actually in Ukraine and Russia, and philosophically between ideologies in the USA.  I grow angry at the patent stupidity of the side calling itself Christian.  How, Lord, can this be?  Are You not "the Truth," and does not all wisdom come from You?  The blindness is obvious, and then I wonder whether I am being blinded.  The times are confusing.  I am so blessed by The Chosen, seeing through another person's eyes that You, Jesus, encountered many of the same personalities: the self-righteous, the Pharisaic, the ones more interested in power, and the ones interested in the promotion of their people.  Even the apostles talked about bringing the message to the Jews--their people--and did not, at least at the beginning, see that the message is for everyone, even though You foretold it in Isaiah.

So make my heart less angry, less judgmental, and much, much more loving, please.  Grow my patience with those who are not as quick to see logic and reason and especially with those who cannot see spiritual truth until You remove the scales from their eyes.  I want to "glow," as someone recently described me, because the Light of the World is inside me shining out.

Blessed are You, Lord our God, Lover of the Universe, Who offers to whoever would believe in Jesus the gift of eternal life, forgiveness, redemption, and the greatest love of all.

Where Do I Begin?

 Dearest Father God, it did not occur to me that I was missing a golden opportunity to do some prayer journaling while DH and our Little Beastie were visiting a relative. At least, it only occurred to me late in the day. But here I am now.  

My post's title says a lot about me and how overwhelmed I am feeling. Perhaps at another very private time, with more time to dig really deeply, we can talk about this new and unfamiliar stage in my marriage and in our lives. Right now, the urgent stuff right in my face has to do, mostly, with my younger daughter and her dear husband.  

• They are closing on a house in four days! Even for me, this event is the fulfillment of a dream. As I hinted above, it is also an indication of a new stage in my life. Father, it is a father's job, is it not, to provide a place to live for his children. Thank YOU for bringing them to this place so quickly and affordably (at least relative to current housing prices and certainly relative to prices in Philadelphia). May the closing go smoothly; we have hit a few bumps in the road with the gift money we gave them. 
• My son-in-law is taking the bar exam, again, in about 10 days! There is no lack of advice on the Internet about how to do the second exam successfully. He is taking advantage of support and advice. Now he will take advantage of my prayer. He said so!  

God of all knowledge and God of good laws that bring justice and good life, You are also the God of mercy. In that mercy, and in recognition of Tue's heart for justice for the underserved, I ask you to show mercy to him in the taking of the exam. Clear his mind of distractions and distractedness; give him extraordinary and even supernatural recall of facts, principles, concepts, and details; organize his thinking and his writing so that he sees the answers clearly and correctly and presents them effectively. Most of all and above all else, he needs to know that You are the giver of wisdom and knowledge as well as of salvation and eternal life and great love. May he succeed because You lead him, and may he recognize Your graciousness. In Jesus's Name and for His sake--ever more urgent as the Day draws near!--Amen.

• One more thing that has been lurking in my heart and mind: my older daughter and her relationship with that quite excellent man. This issue also reflects my concern about moving into a new stage in my own life; however, my deeper concern is her happiness and, really, their happiness. Not only their happiness, Father, but their effectiveness in being blessings--more effective together, perhaps! (Thanks for his passing his NCLEX exam, too. That was big.)

May You be glorified. Time is short, and the urgency of salvation has never been greater. Give me wisdom and endurance to be a good example and a good witness to Your love and mercy. In Jesus's name, for the sake of the Kingdom, and in the power of the Holy Spirit, may I pray and go forth. Amen.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

Solitude and Silence

 Good morning, Father! It is currently 9:13 a.m., and DH is at the church's Men's Breakfast. I have a client at 11:30 a.m. on Zoom (virtual),  and I am not ready as far as grooming and hygiene.  But of course, this time with You is more important, and the opportunity does not always or often present so well.

I have chosen to remain "deaf" for this time to make the experience of silence more real, too.  

Funny coincidence that is probably not a coincidence: My YouVersion plan reading *and* the lesson I am teaching in Sunday School tomorrow are both from Matthew 5:13-16, "Salt and Light." Hmmm.

A little stream of consciousness? I am fairly sure You don't mind--and are not surprised by anything I am thinking anyway.

There are a bazillion things that swirl in my head for prayer.  Catching any one of them sometimes makes me feel worse rather than better because then I feel that I have neglected the others, which are perhaps more "important."  How do You define importance, Father?  There are my beloved daughters and their men, my husband, my mother, my sister with dementia, the war in Ukraine, our future with retirement looming, the Afghani family my DH is helping, my clients, my patients...

And then I look back on the list and note that I forgot DH's side of the family, our church, our neighboring city and its social problems.  

The story of Tending the Mountain Spring from the Grace Chapel pastor, Bryan Wilkerson, comes to mind.  (Someday I will find it and copy it into a format where I can reference it directly.) These times of solitude and silence don't present often enough, but at least on a daily basis I have been getting Word time and on a more frequent basis I am practicing and documenting prayer in my YouVersion app. That is, by the way, where I feel guilty praying for one thing and then not another.

Jesus, when You were limited by time and humanity, how did You make those choices?  I see that You took those times away.  Did You pray for Your apostles one by one? Did you pray for the cities and the people You had just left?  Did You anticipate Your next visit in prayer? 

Well, I see, Father, that it is now 9:37 a.m. and I probably need to (relative of the word "should") start with my ablutions.  After all this, I may end with the Prayer of Jabez from 1 Chronicles 4:10 

"Oh, that You would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let Your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain."

(Not really comfortable with the "free from pain" thing, although in a moment of pain, I am sure that I would be pleading for it.) 

I love You, Lord.

9:44 a.m.

Prayer for a Client's Mom

 Quickly, Father--it seems that K's mom, P, has a 50% probability that the breast lump is cancerous.  Please be merciful--of course, You are, and that is a silly prayer.  May both women handle this challenge with You, relying on Your grace, strength, and emotionally healthy strategies.  For YOU.  Amen.

An Urgent Nudge?

 Lord God, Great Physician, I have been feeling an urgent nudge to pray for Chris's NCLEX results.  I wish I had known he was taking the exam this week so that I could have prayed for him ahead of time and on the day of the test, but that only shows my poor understanding of You.  You are above time and will be gracious no matter when we pray.

And it is that graciousness that I am asking for Chris.  We both know--You and I--that his heart for helping others and serving You is at the root of our prayer for his success on the NCLEX.  Please be gracious to him, and to those whom he can serve better, by giving him a passing grade on it.  So much of his future is tied up in this test.  (Our daughter's future, and maybe ours, too.)

May You be honored by his success!  May Chris be an RN before long.  May many people be blessed by his healing skills.  In Jesus's name and Spirit~~Amen.

The Year for Peace

 I have chosen--and I would like to believe that You have put this on my heart--the theme of PEACE for 2023.  It is a curious choice given the various wars in the world and even the "cold" wars here in the United States.  Perhaps that is exactly why it is the perfect theme for me.

I promised that I would pray for my "boys."  Both of them are preparing for major exams for their professions.  How should I pray?  

This prayer is called a "Salesian prayer."  Fitting in many ways, because the Salesians, and their founder Don Bosco, "help[ed] poor children during the Industrial Revolution."  Both of my guys are of the same heart--to help the poor, and when possible, poor children.  

Lord, I know you are with me and love me.
Give me peace of mind as I prepare for this time of study.
Help me to focus on my books and notes,
keep me from all distractions so that I will make the best use
of this time that is available to me.
Give me insight that I might understand what I am studying ,
and help me to remember it when the time comes.
Above all, I thank you for the ability to be able to study
and for the many gifts and talents you have given me.
Help me always to use them in such a way
that they honour you and do justice to myself. Amen

I could not say this better.  In Jesus's name, Amen. 

May the Peace of Christ rule in *my* heart.  In a future post, I would love to begin collecting the many verses referencing peace that I have already encountered in 2023.

Tears for Tue's Salvation

 Father God, because Jesus told me to pray "Our Father," I wanted to "put a pin" in today's experience, which I believe came from You.  

The Journey had baptisms today. And I bawled. Even right now, tears have come to my eyes. I had an overwhelming "vision" that someday I would see Tue's baptism.  

Father, time is so short. I know that You are patient, not wanting any to perish but wanting all to come to repentance. (Where is that verse? I can remember what You say but not always where You say it.)

Got it!

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.  (2 Peter 3:9)

Please, Father God,  I am one of the "some" who see slowness in Your patience, but I cannot wish for You to be less slow when it comes to bringing Tue "to repentance." And thank you for the class today with the first through third graders and the wonderful questions and discussion that the baptism service provoked. So no, I won't be impatient.

But could You hurry, just a little, with Tue and these kids? Time is so short.

Grace All Around

My year of GRACE is winding down, but it is far from over yet.  By the notes on my phone's calendar, it is late in the 46th week of this 52-week year.  There have been several themes of grace that have caught my attention this year:

• Sufficient grace
• Amazing grace
• Grace and peace
• The grace of God
• Grace and knowledge (of our Lord Jesus Christ)
• Grace that is greater than all our sin
• Grace and truth
• Saving grace
• Abounding grace
• Glorious grace....

...and so on.  Lots of grace, especially in Paul's writings--and experience.  There were also more than a few times where "grace" was a verb, implying an action of grace.  I like that.

I am at the Toyota dealership for maintenance, and I admit to a lot of distraction, Lord.  Thank You for being gracious to me.

Good, Better, and Best

 Hi and good morning, God.  Not to become too familiar with You--but to become SO familiar with You, in another sense of the word!--I never want to lose the sense of awe and worship of Your greatness, holiness, and grace.  That's when I recede into the background and don't feel worthy of taking up Your time and attention.  But that is the grace; You welcome me into that place of familiarity with Royalty.  You.  And there are tears, always tears.  Even mow.

Thank You for sparing Amy and Chris on that turbulent flight through a tornado zone last night.  Thank You for guiding Tue's surgeons as they repair his ankle and sustaining Julie through hunger, waiting, and serving Tue.  Thank You for the slow and incremental progress in keeping my sarcastic snarkiness from my words to DH.  I have not yet refrained from them all, but I have noticed some slight improvement.

As I have puttered around the house this morning, doing little things here and there and finding more little and not-so-little things here and there (and everywhere), I found myself stuck on figuring out how to choose what is most important for the moment.  That is when I realized that my time to be with You in this place was slipping away from me.  DH is at the Men's Breakfast at church and will probably be coming home in 20-30 minutes.  The dog is outside hunting chipmunks; he and I have had breakfast; I have made some progress on cleaning off a horizontal desk surface in Julie's room (not total, but noticeable).  I am thinking ahead to -- gasp! -- less than three weeks until Thanksgiving!  It will be harder to plan for unknowable arrangements since Tue's recovery has just started; he and Julie may or may not be able to get here for the holiday.  But we will do everything in our power and ask for Your power to get them to NYC for Julie's birthday!

In the meantime, sweet God, what is most important for me to do to serve You today?

• I have a client at 11:30 a.m.
• I need to prepare to teach the PreK-K class (the ones I call the "Littles") tomorrow.
• I need to ... this might be less important for today but important soon--clean out or consolidate one more box and/or area in the Basement for a guest area.
• I need to do my nails.  

👋

Looking forward to worshipping You tomorrow, both with the congregation and in the classroom!  Love You so very much.  I am worried for the future, but You have it and You have me.  In Jesus's name~~Amen.

Absurdities and Other Things

 Lord God, the title "Absurdities" came to my mind earlier, perhaps last week, when I was in a conversation with someone at work.  He was "in charge" of assuring compliance with mask-wearing to mitigate the risks of spreading COVID in the hospital.  The twin absurdities were 1) he was not wearing his own surgical mask (63-75% effective) correctly and 2) he was giving me grief for wearing my KN-95 mask (94-95% effective) correctly.  "I don't know where you got that mask, if it is approved, if it is safe.  It is not authorized by the hospital."

See the absurdity?

In fact, on reflection, there are so many absurdities in the world at this point.  Blatant lies are pushed; wars are declared on flimsy projected grounds; lies are "true" and truth is not valued.  Is there any such thing as honor anymore?  Can anyone's word or promise--except Yours, of course--be trusted?  Is this how your prophets found the world and is this how they felt when they essentially shouted truth into their situations, only to be ignored or, worse yet, persecuted?  

That four-letter word: WILL.  Willfulness.  Opposite of willingness.  

Oh, God, soften my heart and make me *willing* to be corrected by You, taught by You, and disciplined by You.  Tolerating all of these absurdities is a strain on me.  In my own stubbornness, I think that sarcastically challenging someone's absurd belief--one quote similar to the one above mentioned "deluded"--will convince them that they are wrong, and they will cheerfully change their minds.  Yeah.  That has totally worked so far.

I am falling asleep here!  (Worcester Public Library--Volunteer reading, doctor's appointment, new hearing aid molds this afternoon.). 

Please intervene wonderfully in Tue's (and Julie's) life.  Broken ankle, torn Achilles--not even to mention our (Yours and mine) desire for his heart to be overcome by You.

Gonna go now, dear God.  Dear, dear God.  Are You frustrated these days?

Grace and Peace

( I rarely have a few moments when DH is not at home when I am; "working from home" has made it difficult for me to claim undisturbed time here.  Now I have a little time, thanks to a client cancellation this morning.  But DH wants us--Bailey and me--to visit him at the Harvest Fair on the grounds of the Holden Nursing Home/Oriol Health property.)

Lord, I started to title this post "Peace and Grace" because my annual theme has been grace but my devotional these past few days has addressed the theme of peace.  Then I remember that You often put grace and peace together in Your word.  I will end this post with one of those verses.  There are 17 in the Bible Gateway New Testament!  The first one, in Romans, reminds me of today's devotional, which highjacked me over to a few chapters in Romans.

To all in Rome who are loved by God and called to be his holy people: Grace and peaceto you from God our Father and from the Lord Jesus Christ. Romans 1:7

Grumbling and the Christian

I can't do this for as long as I want because I have an appointment in 41 minutes to donate platelets, but I still wanted to capture a thought:

This is from Pastor Tom's sermon last week, which I could not hear in full because I was teaching.  The point was so good that someone (Anna?) captured the clip and posted it.

https://fb.watch/fvkxZFOhpD/ 

I am still grappling with grumbling, and I encountered a situation today that tested me.  I drove around the Harrisburg AirBnB for perhaps 30 minutes looking for a parking space.  Oh, yeah, I was having some difficulty stepping back and seeing Your hand in the challenge.  But I did, and then the perfect parking space was provided.

More later?  DH is coming home, and he is a big reason for my grumbling attitude.

 

Every Day and All Over Again

 “If anybody starts talking to me about religious commitment, I may listen politely, but what I’d like to answer him with is a few monosyllables that don’t bear repeating here in the midst of the holy community. If you tell me Christian commitment is a thing that has happened to you once and for all like some kind of spiritual plastic surgery, I say go to, go to, you’re either pulling the wool over your own eyes or trying to pull it over mine. Every morning you should wake up in your beds and ask yourself: ‘Can I believe it all again today?’ No, better still, don’t ask it till after you’ve read The New York Times, till after you’ve studied that daily record of the world’s brokenness and corruption, which should always stand side by side with your Bible. Then ask yourself if you can believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ again for that particular day. If your answer’s always Yes, then you probably don’t know what believing means. At least five times out of ten the answer should be No because the No is as important as the Yes, maybe more so. The No is what proves you’re a man in case you should ever doubt it. And then if some morning the answer happens to be really Yes, it should be a Yes that’s choked with confession and tears and… great laughter. Not a beatific smile, but the laughter of wonderful incredulity.” 

(Frederick Buechner, The Return of Ansel Gibbs p. 303-304)

I'm Sad

Good morning, Lord.  I am in a hotel room isolating from DH because *he* has COVID and he is really bad at isolating.  Since You already know my heart, I may as well confess that I have called him an idiot and a moron, but thankfully only in my thoughts.  I am angry at him for being careless.  I feel put-upon and inconvenienced and, frankly, threatened with illness: "It's not that bad.  You are being ridiculous."  But he is sick, and I am not.  I am also the oldest, with the most complex picture of medical conditions, and the one with the most responsible duties over the next weeks.  

Lord God, I get so distracted!  Please focus my mind to serve today in Kids' Church and to lead Huddle.  Please place a guard around me, and especially around my thoughts, because I can get VERY snarky and downright mean.  

Solomon's prayer for discernment has stuck with me.  (Funny how You pick the right words at the right times....)

So give Your servant an understanding heart [or "a heart that listens"] to judge Your people, to discern between good and evil.

The NIV says, "to distinguish between right and wrong." Yeah, that.  In these days of gaslighting and outright lying, this is such a needed gift from You.

Frederick Büechner died.  Max Lucado shared one of his quotes, noting that there may be so many great thoughts from which to choose.  The upshot is that if we pay attention to the broken and corrupt world around us, we might--no, we will--waver.  Each day we need to choose to believe *and apply* the Gospel. Today.  In this situation.  Now.  In my life.

Yes.  Amen. 

Irritated or Valid?

God!!  I am calling out to You because I am frustrated and stuck.  I have tried and I am trying to be patient and forbearing with DH.  It is not going well.  I feel like a popped balloon when he says something that provokes me.  It just hits me the wrong way, and my mouth responds.

He is not good at conflict resolution.  That isn't very unusual with husbands, at least as far as I know.  The quick return to cooperation and reconciliation appears in the research, too.  Then why am I feeling that the underlying issue remains active and unresolved?

I try to get into his skin, to feel his discouragement at working in high-stress and fast-paced IT.  I try to understand his desire to slow down and enjoy life and hobbies.  I am not empathic in the sense of feeling similarly; I am a more driven person, a more mission-oriented person, and ... what? a more professional person?  I have a profession that is more than just a job from which I can retire.  There is much more work to be done, and I have the professional skills and experience to help with that work.

And the issue of RESPECT.  Oh, my.  That is a trigger word and a trigger concept for me.  Boy, I don't feel understood by him.  I have known for years, perhaps decades, that projection is one of his primary defenses (think Freud's defense mechanisms).  In the sense that You, God, say that we are to treat others as we want to be treated, that isn't a terrible defense.  In the sense that it is usually negative unwanted feelings and traits that are projected, it isn't really the case.  In the sense that DH usually assumes that I want what he actually wants, without respect for my actual desires and traits, it is frustrating, annoying, and disrespectful.  How often have I said lately, with annoyance, "Do you actually know me?  Listen to me?

I have to go now.  There is more to say, and much more to pray about, and I will.  Please help me.  

Struggle

God, even though I try to push away my annoyance and I try to be gracious, I am not succeeding.  It seems like so many things--TOO many things--irritate me.  Is this a mood disorder or is it a spiritual disorder?

I am redoing the Dangerous Prayers devotional in YouVersion.   (The Craig Groeschel version).  I even find myself annoyed by the lame prayers that DH prays, and the comfortable lukewarm-ness of our lives.  Yet--it is comfortable, and I don't really know if I could give it up.

So the Scripture that sticks in my mind is Psalm 139.  Instead of just cutting and pasting, I am going to enter it intentionally and manually to help it stay on my heart:

Psalm 139:23

    Search me, God, and know my heart;

    test me and know my anxious thoughts.

    See if there is any offensive way in me,

    and lead me in the way everlasting.

Yeah, that is a dangerous prayer.  I am anxious; there is a lot about which to be anxious in the world right now.  I am offensive in several ways.  Those statements are not excuses.  They are confessions.  Hence, the title of this post--Struggle!  

I get frustrated when people are stupid and willfully blind.  I get angry when people, especially in Your church, God, are so unloving.  I get sad when those who observe Christianity from the outside do not see genuine Godliness but frank hypocrisy.  

Struggle!  Personally, spiritually, relationally--help me.  Tears are in my eyes right now.  I need to get ready to help others (my client today) and to get some money for that help (billing--haha).  I am distracted, I think psychologically because these topics are hard, deep, and sensitive.

But I genuinely want to pray dangerously but courageously.  Use me, Lord, and refine me no matter how painful it might be.  I want to mean that.  You did.

Deepest Parts of My Heart

I live in a kind of fear that the deepest parts of my heart will be revealed and not handled respectfully and gently.  I know that "Perfect love casts out fear," and I also know that there is no perfect love apart from You.  I am not (yet) made perfect in love because I still fear.

So, here goes, at least here with You.  I feel quite alone--no, that is not really true--I feel incompletely understood.  I know my husband "loves" me in the way that he knows how to love, and I know his love language is all about acts of service.  I know that he is not a philosopher-thinker.  He relies heavily on those in religious authority to direct him, sometimes not thinking critically about issues, and other times showing glimmers and glimpses of deeper comprehension.  For me, this is exhausting.  May I say these things without judgment?  (This is where I fear punishment.)

• I think more quickly than he does.
• I think more completely than he does.
• I have a better command of vocabulary and some science than he does.
• I am more generous than he is--and he is plenty generous!

Another area of sensitivity is our sexual relationship. He has moderate to severe erectile dysfunction, and the sildenafil (Viagra) does not work well.  He refused to address this problem for months, perhaps even more than a year.  I have my own sexual performance problems with prolapses interfering with several functional routes, but no matter how I try to explain my issues, he reacts with what feels to me like disgust.  It took us 20 years to figure out that I was not having orgasms, and now he seems to believe that it is a formula--same stimulation, same location, same irritation of much more delicate tissue in that area.  I recently had what felt like a urinary tract infection directly after intercourse, which might have resulted from another issue.  (More on that in another location.). Kissing is unpleasant.  He has a severe dental overbite that makes kissing "sloppy" and leaves me wiping my mouth.  I don't think that is how it is supposed to be.

We just celebrated 35 years of marriage.  We went to our daughter's home in Harrisburg, and in keeping with our tradition of being on the water every five years, we were "on" the Susquehanna River, or two blocks away.  We served; he did a lot of work around the townhouse, and I cooked, cleaned, and shopped.  That is what we do.  And we usually do it together.

Ah, dear Lord.  You are my refuge!  You know me in the innermost parts of my heart.  Nothing is secret from You, and I am glad that I can be honest without fear in Your love because Your love is perfect and casts out my fear.  I have to go now.  (Maybe in more ways than one.)