Humility vs Humiliation

 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time." 1 Peter 5:6 NIV

The verses before and after this YouVersion Daily Refresh verse set the frame so well.  Father God, as usual, You have been so wonderfully and faithfully *personal* in Your messages to me during this time of trial in my life.  I would still like to grab the time to reflect on several of those verses; in fact, I will do that for a few minutes before pondering today's communication.

James 1:12 "Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."

Psalm 103:6 ICB "The Lord does what is right and fair for all who are wronged by others."

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort."

1 Corinthians 4:3-4 NIV "I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself.  My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent.  It is the Lord who judges me."  (And of course also makes me innocent by forgiving and pardoning me!)

Luke 6:27-28--Proverbs 19:21--visits from my hummingbird friends--my night(s) of lament--my unchosen and forced sabbatical--the Waiting on God Soul Care Retreat----and now, today's verse about Your lifting me up in due time.  It has been hard not to jump to a conclusion one way or the other, Lord God.  I have resisted the human desire to predict a future that is not in my power to predict.  After all, I did not see this coming.

So I will put my trust in You, knowing that I do have a clear conscience.  The world (and the investigators) may not clear me of these allegations/accusations, but You and I know the truth.  Sometimes I feel that I am a victim of gaslighting, and I doubt my recollections and my own heart, which of course if deceitful in its nature.  But if I am not humbling myself under Your mighty hand, I am certainly being humbled, if passively and not by my own choices or interventions.  I will wait for the due time of Your lifting me up.  Jesus, You did.  It took a few days, if I remember correctly.  That time of waiting was literally hell for you.

I love You, Lord, and Your mercies never fail me! Amen.

Wisdom, Justice, and Waiting

Dearest God, your servant is here. Your servant is also massively confused and sad and struggling. I keep spotting hummingbirds that I take as Your reminders to be hopeful. I don't want to be superstitious about it; I reflect on The Chosen's depiction of the dove that deterred Mary Magdalene from suicide. Those little flits remind me of hope.

I also reflect on The Chosen's depiction of "Little James," with the scoliosis and the difficult ambulation. "Why have You not healed me?"  Thirdly, I reflect on John the Baptist's beheading. You did not "rescue" him, God. John even sent his disciples to confirm Jesus's claim to be the Messiah, and the interpretation of John's questioning as a moment of faltering faith strikes a resonant chord in my heart.

Is my faith faltering? Will You decline to "rescue" me from this false accusation? I imagine all kinds of snarky comments and gotcha comebacks, and I know that such thoughts, words, and behaviors are not holy. Help me, God. This purification period is tough. I have said those words to others in encouragement, and now I am living through the process. It is hard; it is painful; it is dysregulating,

But YOU are constant, omniscient, wise, and just. But how long, God? I will wait patiently, or at least as patiently as I am capable of being at this point. Increase my faith--and my patience.

I would like to go back and list all the verses and reminders that You have shown me since the beginning of this ordeal. I don't think I have time at this very moment because I am getting ready to see a client in less than a half hour, but I do think that effort will be worthwhile.

Through it all, I am learning to trust in Jesus.
I am learning to trust in God!

Just What I Needed

I have the absolutely best daughters. 

Just when I sat down to have this time to journal, my daughters, beginning with Amy, popped in with text messages of support. It was good to put some of the events into words. They seem to know more intuitively what to ask and what to say without being (or maybe with being?) sexist; I wonder whether that is their feminine intuition vs. DH's masculinity. It could be personality-based, too. In any case, whatever the explanation, their support is sweet and timely.

In the spirit of the prayer journal, I want to reflect on what I "need" and what You, God, not only say that I need but what You provide and have already provided.  

A word flashed across my screensaver that came right from You, Lord, at a precise minute when I was considering writing a rebuttal to the article that has precipitated my current crisis. I discovered it comes from the Bible! "Gadarene" references the Gadarene swine who drowned themselves when they were possessed by the exorcised Legion demons (Mark 5:1-20).   I may still write a rebuttal, but I do not plan to do anything precipitous, impulsive, or self-destructive with it. I hope it will be therapeutic for me to write, as it has been in the past.

Thanks for the hummingbirds, too. I saw three within a short time. And thanks for the word. I love how You love me! This stanza, with a couple of amendments, captures it.

I love how Your heart beats
Whenever I'm with you
I love how You think of me
Without being told to
I love the way Your touch is always heavenly (indeed!)
But Lord God, most of all
I love how You love me (I love how You love me)

Hear Today, Hear Tomorrow

 Very quick prayer, Holy God (because DH is home): May truth and righteousness win, and may I be an ambassador for YOU.

Now What?

Heavenly Father God, this title could be more appropriate after Thursday's hearing (Show Cause).  However, I need to embrace this "now what?" question today.  I feel a little paralyzed by the anxiety over the uncertainties, not only about the outcome but also about the process and the preparation.  I know and want to obey Your command/encouragement to "Be anxious for nothing BUT in everything with prayer...."  It's a bit harder (understatement!!) to "be anxious for nothing."  The uncertainties overwhelm me sometimes, and I fight to stay mindful in this moment and focus on accomplishing one thing before me.  In fact, I just noticed another hummingbird at the feeder, along with a bunch of sparrows, and I opened up my Goodreads app to note the three books I finished during this period of administrative leave.  Distracted much?  (The hummingbird is still there.)

I wonder how John the Baptist waited for what was ultimately his murder.  Or how Jesus got through the nights of knowing what lay ahead of him.  At least Jesus knew; I am not sure that brought Him any comfort or reduced any anxiety He might have felt in His human nature, but the uncertainty was not a factor.

Pick a Bible verse.  My current devotional plan comes from Proverbs, the book of wisdom.  Today's reading discussed discernment and insight.  A good prayer for me this week.  Holy Spirit, Wonderful Counselor, give me discernment, insight, and self-control to be "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry."  (Thanks to our Sunday School memory verse for this reminder.)

Troubling Concerns

1. 
   I cannot get past the visceral reaction that I have to any training by the person that the Journey has contracted.  I did some research and I learned that the trainer has a recent LMFT, nothing in the Christian Education or education field.  I know from past experience that she has been involved in a "false theology" of the so-called prosperity gospel (although she and some proponents have repented of it as recently as 4 years ago).  I also researched the two practices used in her counseling center; one is not evidence-based, although the primary founder of the practice claimed some pre- and post- anecdotal benefits, and the other is specifically for children and parents/caregivers--not in the classroom.  I guess, upon reflection on these factors, my visceral response might be valid.
2. I also have a problem with the proposal or at least the consideration of The Gospel Project curriculum, which is published and sold by Lifeway--which is a branch of the Southern Baptist Convention.  The SBC has been a major and central part of the "white evangelical" movement in Christianity, with coverup of sexual abuse and support of racist and radical Republicans.  

So the question I need an answer for is this: How do I explain this graciously to the Children's Ministry Director?  Help, please!

Waiting on God: A Promise

 The Lord does what is right and fair for all who are wronged by others.  (Psalm 103:6 ICB)

Counting on this verse, Lord.  Just what I needed because I was unable to sleep.  

Waiting on God: Previewing and Reviewing

Good morning, dear Lord of my heart.  Today is the appointed day for my colonoscopy.  The prep wasn't as bad as I anticipated, although the overflooding of my stomach with the liquid did cause me to vomit.  

So that is the preview!  Steve Macchia's piece on Reflective Journaling for the Waiting on God Soul Care Retreat captured the balance of reflection which I would describe as anticipatory reflection and retrospective reflection,  How can I project into my plans and schedule for the day what You may lead me to do?  Yeah, that is not reliable.  Interruptions happen, flexibility is required, and grace over all the unexpected "divine appointments" that surprise me.  

Reviewing my past three weeks here at home on the administrative leave has been informative.  I am not at all excited to return to work; I am also not completely sure that returning is the plan that You have for me.  I find that I hesitate to call myself a "social worker" anymore.  I confess that I felt a prompting that I overrode to move away from the hospital and the professional role there; I believed that I was being noble and considerate in staying so that my colleagues would not be even more overwhelmed and overworked than they are.

And then this.

I decided, just now, to listen to some worship music.  Because I thought it might be wise to avoid a tear-jerking song--"Word of God, Speak" came to mind--I chose the more upbeat "My Jesus" ("Let my Jesus change your life").  A hummingbird came to the feeder, probably having waited for the rain to stop.  And "Word of God, Speak" followed that first chosen song.  Yes, I cried.  You are so good to me even in the smallest things.

Getting to be time for me to leave for that appointment.  I do love You, dearest God Adonai, but imperfectly and not enough.  Please help me get better, purer, and holier in You.  Amen.

Waiting on God: Action?

Dear Heavenly Father, may I intend to do Your will on earth and not my own.  

I did not sleep well last night.  My mind was occupied with many thoughts and considerations related to work and the administrative leave I am currently on.  One of the most troubling considerations is how to explain my absence--even whether to explain my absence, instead of seeking a transfer to another site.  I am seriously wondering about this, despite the major inconvenience that such a transfer would be. 

This is the part of the "waiting on God" practice that is hard for me this week.  Is it time to think about action?  How will I know?  How will You tell me?  Is it even imaginable that I could walk back into the building and pick up where I left off?  Is retirement the option to pursue?

In the meantime, the world goes not well.  I will focus on my Heavenly Home and the mansion You are preparing for me there. Still waiting...still while waiting.

Love You, my King and my Savior and so privileged to call you also my Friend.

Waiting on God: Silence

Silencio. Appropriate for me without my hearing aids. In the Waiting on God Soul Care Retreat, I skipped ahead to the Silence and Solitude section. This spoke to my heart:

“There are few things that help so much for conversing with Christ as silence. The silence I

speak of is, obviously, the inner silence of the heart without which the voice of Christ will

simply not be heard. This inner silence is very hard to achieve for most of us: close your

eyes for a moment and observe what is going on within you. The chances are you will be

submerged in a sea of thoughts that you are powerless to stop-talk, talk, talk (for that

is what thinking generally is, me talking to myself )-noise, noise, noise: my own inner

voice competing with the remembered voices and images of others, all clamoring for my

attention. What chance does the subtle voice of God stand in all this din and bustle?…Your

tolerance of silence is a fairly good indicator of your spiritual (and even intellectual and

emotional) depth.” - Anthony de Mello  (De Mello, Anthony. Contact with God: Retreat Conferences. Chicago: Loyola University Press, 1991, pg. 39-40.)

That is so very true. The silence and solitude of these days on leave have been busy, but for the most part, despite the presence of DH at home (and the ever-present beagle!), largely quiet and isolated. I admit to looking forward to DH's various absences on errands because those times are the ones I grab for these entries. The suggestion is to unplug, but for me, the security of a password-protected online journal is safer.  

The visits of the hummingbirds still fill me with hope, and the many -- too many to count today! -- have been sweet and touching. Lord, it is silly, and I know it, to interpret too much into the visits of these littlest of the bird kingdom. Yet, Your word does point to a huge truth that my heart needs: if You care for the birds of the air, how much more You care for me!

Let me not worry about the hearing next week.  I will trust that You will put the correct words into my mouth, if I even need to speak.  I see that DH is worried about the damage to my reputation and I don't blame him for his concern even as I fight back against it.  My only goal is pleasing You, and the only source of my self-esteem is Your description of me as "precious in Your sight" -- sins, mistakes, and all the gunk and junk in me included but not being left there.

The bird feeder needs refilling.  Amen!

Waiting on God: Contemplation and Insight

Still waiting...still (while) waiting.  I grab the moments when DH is out of the house to have my quiet time, my "still" devotional time, because it is so deeply personal and moving that I could not explain it to him.  Sometimes I feel judged by him; sometimes, maybe, his judgment could be correct.  I don't think so, but how would I know?  Only by Your Spirit, Lord, can I discern what is "true, noble, right..." and all the other things that You (and the apostle Paul) outline in Philippians 4:8.

So, that is my prayer for today: that You would show me all that is "true, noble, and right" and all the other things so that I may not only think on those things but also exemplify those things.  Big ask, tall order.  But You are a big God, and You are transforming me into the likeness of Jesus.  May it be so.  Amen.

Waiting on God: Reflection

 "Keep me as the apple of Your eye; hide me in the shadow of Your wings."  Psalm 17:8

The prompt from the Waiting on God devotional referenced other Psalms, but this one started my time off because it is the coloring page I have been working on, little by little, for some time. It also reflects my sitting in my own Apple Room (our porch) on Appletree Lane. Furthermore, I am sad and rejected. (A hummingbird just came to the feeder; thank You, Lord.) 

I have been off work for over two weeks now, and I have no assurance that I will be going back. If I do, how will I explain my absence?  

I also note and have noted for a long time now, my short temper with my DH. (Confession)  I am annoyed easily by him; I don't respect his intellectual grasp of many of the contemporary political and social (and sometimes spiritual) issues; I become frustrated with his illogical opinions on various issues that affect me and my future (e.g., how to be involved in our daughters' and our future grandchildren's lives). To a great degree, I feel very lonely. His questions and suggestions to me feel condescending, and I respond with sarcasm. Many of our squabbles over the past 2-4 years have never been discussed thoroughly, let alone resolved. We just brush them aside and plod on. I don't want to enumerate them here; that would be even sadder. Lord God, let this time with You touch that lonely part of my heart and soul.  DH is a good man; he has provided well for me and for our daughters.  Please remove the greedy part of me that wants more.  You are my Provider, ultimately.  Make me grateful for all that I have.  (Which is way too much.)

What does it mean to be the apple of Your eye? That You are "extremely fond and proud" of me.  Even though I screwed up at work?  Those accusations leading to this administrative leave make me sound evil and incompetent.  Ah!  Maybe the leave has severed my tie to my work and my profession and has even affected my self-esteem to the extent that my self-esteem was based on my identity as a social worker.  May that not be so, Lord Jesus.  May my identity be based only on what You have called me and made me.

Little Blessings

•  Lauren Nguyen, MD, came all the way from Foxborough via Los Angeles just to worship with us at the Journey today!  
• The Bible verse in the "Making Sense of God" devotional was way too perfect for me during this "administrative leave" season:
• I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself.  My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent.  It is the Lord who judges me.  (1 Corinthians 4:3-4)
• The Leadership Transformations retreat guide intrigued me last night,  I thought, correctly, that this is the work of Stephen Macchia, formerly a pastor from Grace Chapel.  I was initially attracted to the full-day Sabbath soul care retreat guide, but as I looked at others, particularly the half-day ones, I became interested in one or more of them.  Maybe while I am still off?  (https://lti.christianbook.com/waiting-god-retreat-guide-individual-pdf/pd/32908DF?event=TCG|1012418)
• The sure and certain knowledge that even in the season of destruction and exile, as Maureen titled her sermon today, You, O Lord our God, are still constant and working.  May I work in concert and cooperation with You--always.

My Partner in the Yoke

 "Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30 NIV

(I digressed into looking for the NASB 1977, then the 1971, versions, my first Bible for memorization purposes.  Funny, Lord, how the versions over time have changed; e.g., "weary and heavy-laden" is the way I recall this verse.)

I am weary and burdened, Father God.  Even in my weariness, I think about the Lord's Prayer/Our Father, and pray that Your name would be "hallowed" in my situation.  I still cry easily, and grieve the reputational damage the "administrative leave" has caused me.  However, for the sheer heaviness of my burden, I am NOT in competition with the many people in the world suffering from the wildfires in Maui, the extreme heat in the South, the kidnapping in Haiti (thankfully now resolved), the deaths from COVID and inadequate health care, and the many crimes against humanity perpetrated by evil people and especially those in power.  Small potatoes, my little burden.  

I think I will squeeze in my Spanish lesson before noon for the extra points.  Keep me in Your yoke, Lord, because it is easy and light.

Amen.

Truth Cannot Die

 

This morning I became somewhat cynically discouraged and Googled (unsuccessfully, which seems auspicious) "the death of truth."  I know better.  Jesus, You said and continue to say that You are the truth.  You cannot die!  Hallelujah!

I know it is not right to lose hope.  Yet, I reflect on many of the Psalms in which the writer--usually David--came close to losing hope, too.  He never completely lost it.  I can not come close to imagining how stressed he must have been in his various escapades and encounters with near-death.  I get stressed over a 3-week paid leave!  (Although, always in the Spirit of Truth, I am enjoying it quite a bit.)

Remember the Holden Christian Academy "theme" verse?  Psalm 25 says "Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; For You I wait all the day."  Interestingly, in the NASB 1995, the beginning of Psalm 25 says that it is a "Prayer for Protection, Guidance, and Pardon."

Yeah.  We need that.

Lord God, thank You for bringing that silly little hummingbird to the feeder while I was there.  It is a small thing, and I know that when the season changes those little ones will not come to the feeder.  Still, I felt a little bit of Your hand on my shoulder, a smile from You, an acknowledgment that my heart is a bit raw and sensitive.  Small love in the background context of the BIG love of Jesus's sacrifice!

You are Truth--"I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life."  Amen!!

Hummingbird Hope

"Hello, Hummer!"  Lately, seeing a hummingbird at our deck feeder brings me to tears and to lifting my heart to You, Lord.  Those little ones bless my heart and seem like a sent reminder of hope from You.  Just this morning, *just* as I walked into the kitchen and had barely passed the wall beside the refrigerator, a lovely female hummingbird came to the feeder.  She lingered there a bit, filling her little belly.  Coincidence?  Perhaps, but I think not.

I cried.

I am still crying.

Lord, I know You know what it is like to be falsely accused.  You know what it is like to be an outcast.  "Outcast."  This is the first time I have used that term, and it pierces.

I also know that I have examined my heart and my recollection of the event, and I cannot find anything malicious or illegal, at least as I understand the law.  The hearing on the 24th is a Show Cause hearing, which sounds awful and threatening.  

I also checked on my timesheet, which has an unknown DET code.  Thankfully, it is all with pay.  Curiously and forebodingly, I found it marked that way until after Labor Day.

Should I initiate retirement?

It hurts that my own husband, who is unfailingly cheerful and relatively basic in his thinking about life, issues, and words, fails to get the underlying messages in the words he chooses.  He said this week that when listening to a person describe a life event such as a divorce, one needs to assume (one of my least favorite words or concepts) that the speaker "always presents the other person as the guilty one."  He also takes a both-sides-ism in many situations, seeming to want to present himself as balanced but often, to my mind, presenting himself as unwilling to think critically and carefully about the underlying situation.  He declined to take my car to the WARM English classes this morning because "How will I explain that you are not at work?"  He forgot that earlier in his retirement, he took my car at least twice to the English classes while I was at work, leaving me to drive his car.  

I cannot find the logic.

On top of all this, the crisis in the United States breaks my heart, and its effect on the Christian church breaks my heart into even smaller pieces.  I would almost describe it as shattering.  I finished listening to Russell Moore's "Losing Our Religion" on Audibl,e and I want to revisit the book on Kindle, where I can mark it up and comment on it.  Interestingly, Russell Moore was also an outcast from his position with the Southern Baptist Convention due to ... well, political differences may be the best way to describe the explanation.  In many ways, I have also been caught in the politics of the "workplace discrimination and violence" initiative.  Me.  I have a hard time wrapping my head around the allegation.

Ah, next to me is Bailey, my faithful shadow these past days of being at home.  He badly wants to lounge on the sofa upstairs when I sit there!  Hence, coming to the futon to spend some obviously "quality time" with him while he naps.  

Retreat of a Sort

 What would a spiritual retreat look like for me?  Maybe this "administrative leave" is a form of retreat for purposes of reflection.  Show me what to reflect on, dear Lord.

Persecution and Prayer

 Day 2 of my exile (aka Administrative Leave)

Oh, my.  Holy Spirit, I see You!  This is a perfect reminder to keep my heart and my mind focused on whatever You are doing through this crazy situation.  I know, having examined my own heart, that my motivation for my behavior in the accused event was neither malicious nor hostile.  It may well have been ignorant and even perhaps a violation of boundaries.  As my union representative has said more than once, "You cannot know what you did not know."

So how, dear Spirit, do I calm my heart and WAIT for You and the events to unfold?  Ah, that is my challenge.  Knowing how much work there is to do, and feeling so bad about putting it all on the supervisors, is hard on me.  But, of course, this is where I am now, and I will rest in the knowledge that You either planned this OR that You have a plan in this.

I will BLESS those who put forth this false accusation ("cursed me") and I will PRAY for those who are "mistreating me."  May my behaviors not only not detract from Your reputation but also enhance it.  Please allow me to show Your different way of doing life and love.  You have the rest of the job.  In the name of Jesus Christ, the Anointed Savior, Amen!

PS I am listening to/reading Russell Moore's book "Losing Our Religion," and it is sometimes bringing me to tears.  More on that in another post.