I Have Been Listening, Too

God my Father, twice in The Chosen (Season 4 Episode 6, 1 hour mark; Season 5, I need to pin it down) Mary Magdalene is told by Jesus that she hurts inside "because you have been listening."  I think I have been listening, too, and I hurt inside.  (John also "listens" in Season 5; I will find that one also.)

In addition, as I listen to TLC on TBR, something said in commentary about the Scriptures of the day strikes my heart chords.  I think that I am seeing more as I mature that Scripture is indeed timeless, and the times in which we are living are as evil as any of those evil times in the Bible.  

*Evil kings got to reign in their evilness for many years.

*The discernment of the righteous people can be, and usually is, both obvious and subtle.  This ambiguity makes it difficult at times to choose rightly and scares me about failing to discern Your ways and to choose them rightly in my life.

*The religious leaders in The Chosen, and Judas, and many of my own beloveds and acquaintances seem to be missing the point.  How is that?  How is it that I feel so confident that I am NOT missing the point?  (Our recent teaching series at church is helping quite a bit with discerning the point, and yet the sneakiness of so-called good lies is convincing much of the time.)

*"The word of the LORD to ________ was fulfilled."  The sometimes-future fulfillment of Your word is certain; the waiting for it is harder than I expected it to be.

*Tue's confession, or confrontation, to me last week took my breath away and at the same time seemed courageous and truth-filled.  "Intent vs. impact."  How is it that an "unbeliever" has so much wisdom?  Is he an unbeliever in You or in the (possibly) false religion currently promoted by many who claim to be Your followers?

Prayer: Abba, my "yerno" is in not a little danger from the insane deportation policies of the current presidential administration.  Your people are not strangers to such dangers; David comes to mind, and most of Your apostles died the deaths of martyrs.  History itself is replete with examples of what we mere humans would consider Divine injustice, and we often blame You.  (Today's news about flooding in Texas at the cost of many lives, including little girls from a Christian summer camp....)

But Jesus's example in Gethsemane inspires me to ask: If it is Your will, spare us all the trauma of having him detained and deported, please.  

And heal his shoulder--although I wonder if it is serving a purpose right now.

I have a beagle begging right now.  I love You,

A Sense of Impending Doom

 Threat of nuclear war; senseless and irrational (probably many illegal) deportations; makings of economic hardship if not ruin; family divisions.

It's a great life, Father.

Some things that I have been hearing from various sources in the recent past are these: "You will be going into a hostile world," "You will be hated and persecuted." "In this world you will have trouble."  

Proverbs 30:1 says (in part), "I am weary, O God; I am weary, O God, and worn out."    Yeah.  Me, too, Agur.  Me, too.  I would choose the word "exhausted" sometimes.  The barrage of bad things and that sense of dread that my title suggests are exhausting.  I feel quite lonely much of the time.  The commentator (TLC from TBR) said it well in her commentary.  

If you aren't already, expect that you'll start seeing things soon that bother you because of how they misrepresent God and His Word.  The hard part (I might take exception to there being only one hard part) is staying humble when we encounter those things and not acting like we're smarter than the person who posted (or said or believed) it.

I am bothered.  I am angry.  I am deeply and profoundly sad.  I am frustrated that some people choose willful blindness and rejection of truth.

But then, why?  Hasn't it been this way since Jesus, and probably even before Him in Old Testament times?

Keep me humble, Abba.  Make me humble.  I know, or at least I believe I know, some things that are undeniably true and undeniably You.  The thing that can shake me is the accusation that maybe I am being deceived into believing these things and that they are distortions of Your truth.  See the circular reasoning here?  

You said, "I am."  "I am that I am."  You are!  You are the Way, THE TRUTH, and the life.  There is no other refuge but You, even when that refuge does not feel like earthly protection.

It is still well with my soul!

Relationships Are Hard

 Save me from my emerging hatred, Lord, for those who are peddling outright, blatant, damaging, and irrational lies to people who are being misled over a proverbial cliff to destruction.  Unless You "hate" them, too, Lord, I cannot escape the command to love everyone, even them.  

Or is that not true?

Psalm 5:5 says, "You hate all evildoers," or "You hate all who do injustice," or "You hate all who do wrong."  (Depending on the version)  I don't want to take these words out of context or out of consideration of Your character, feeling justified in my hatred.  Please help me to balance this apparent contradiction in concert with Your will and Your nature.

This is hard!  I get SO angry.  As I am walking again through Scripture, I see more and more two things:

1. You get angry much more often than I previously believed.  I think I bought the version of You as a benevolent, always-easily-forgiving Papa who did not impose discipline on Your wayward ones.  That appears to have been a false teaching.
2. Your people disobey and disrespect You much more often than I previously believed, too.  Sometimes humanity looks positively hopeless.  I wrestle with the ineffectiveness of disciplinary actions and natural consequences, and I try to reconcile the hardheartedness of humans with the stance toward free will--and freedom to love and obey You--that You have.  

As an aside, but not really, I want and need to pray hard for Amy and Christopher.  Their lives are intricately intertwined with those of immigrants and immigration issues.  I confess to fear, even terror, on behalf of Christopher directly and Amy indirectly, Abba.  I am at a loss for words regarding what to pray, but in these situations, "Your will be done" may be the most appropriate prayer to offer, even if it is the most difficult one to say.  (Just ask Jesus.)  Still, in the spirit of Jesus, "May the cup (of immigration detention and deportation) pass from [us.]"  For Amy, I ask for the strength to manage the stress of the constant changes surrounding international students, their visas, the prejudices they face, and the pressures on many, if not all, institutions of higher education.

Restore relationships according to Your will, Abba.  Is there not a verse prophesying divided relationships?  Yes, there is.

I've come to start a fire on this earth--how I wish it were blazing right now!  I've come to change everything, turn everything right side up--how I long for it to be finished!  Do you think I came to smooth things over and make everything nice? Not so.  I've come to disrupt and confront!  From now on, when you find five in a house, it will be--Three against two, and two against three; Father against son, and son against father; Mother against daughter and daughter against mother; Mother-in-law against bride, and bride against mother-in-law. (Luke 12:49-53)     

Probably time to go, Abba.  I will try to focus on something Godly and productive today.  As I said in the title of this post, relationships are hard, even more so in these weird and frankly evil times.  Save us, God, from ourselves, and protect the vulnerable.  These times beg for You to show up with miracles to make Yourself known.  Let me partner with You in that task!

Amen and amen.
 

A Quick Minute

 "But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;

I had nearly lost my foothold.

For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked."  

(Psalms 73:1)

"Therefore pride is their necklace;

They clothe themselves with violence.

From their callous hearts comes iniquity;

their evil imaginations have no limits.

They scoff, and speak with malice;

with arrogance they threaten oppression."

(Psalms 73:7-8)

Ouch.

Saul like Trump, Trump like Saul

Father, I have a few rapid-response items that I have wanted and still want to address with You. Sometimes, I get going and forget to return to some of them.

• Decision to go to Parlee and Emily's wedding
• Amy and Christopher and the serious threat to his immigration status
• My own marriage and simmering discontent and resentment
• (This one brought me to tears.)
• Frustration around my husband's shallowness and disinterest in what I consider very important things (I am saying this bluntly and not carefully)
• Not understanding the complex political, economic, and spiritual forces at work in the world right now.

Abba, Grammarly evaluated this writing as sounding "sad and gloomy."  They are probably right.

So, I titled this post "Saul like Trump." In some ways, mainly looking at Saul's later reign, they are remarkably similar, although Saul's early experiences were better than Trump's.  DJT has been a scoundrel for all of his recorded life.  I have to remind myself often (but not often enough) that You nonetheless love him and grieve...I am pausing here because this word choice surprises me and reminds me of TBR's point in the commentary today...his sinfulness.  There, I said it.  It may sound judgmental.  Is it?  Alternatively, it might be exactly right -- he is grievously sinful.

But we--I--know that You are God and Yours is the victory.  The only place I want to be, whether it is "safe" in the traditional definition of the word, is with You, in You, around You (now real tears).  Back to Saul's kingship, I note with some chagrin that despite Your grief over his sinfulness and Your anger at him, You allowed him to remain in place for a while.

Eesh.

I am also angry with the corrupt enablers of this man.  Some of them even claim to be Your followers.  My head wants to explode with this realization.  I also want to remain humble and to be receptive to Your correction, being certain that it does come from You and not from some hypocritical people who claim to speak for You.  (Dang, I sound bad.  I don't know how not to sound bad, and mad, given how I feel.)

Come, Lord Jesus!  Teach me in the meantime how to be a good ambassador for You in this hostile world.

You know I love You, right?

A Psalm of Lament

 O LORD, my foundation and my salvation, why are You allowing such wickedness to continue and even to grow?

We know that You are God; Yours is the victory.

Why, then, may I ask timidly, are You allowing so many battles to be lost?

What do You want me, and Your faithful people, to do?

I cry out in the depths of my spirit for revival and for repentance.

I struggle with anger and outrage and deeply profound grief and sadness.

I fear--yes, I fear--for the future of my beloveds and for the future of this country.

I feel hopeless and helpless in the face of this onslaught of lies, defiance, hatefulness, and upside-downism.

I know that there is always hope when You are present and working.  I remind myself of this blessed truth often because the overwhelming darkness threatens this spark of light.

Abba LORD, I am privileged to call You my Father and my God.  I do not understand Your ways.  

I will, however, put all my trust and hope in You.

There is no one else.

God's Battle

 Starting the Book of Joshua today--the Bible Project review had a line that jumped out at me:

"Rather, this is God's battle."

How often--almost constantly, Abba--I forget this truth.  It is something I need to remind myself of all the time.  I also need to remind myself that obedience to Your commands sometimes requires that I do nothing but wait and trust (and worship--as the story of Jericho shows), and at other times, it
requires that I actively work, participate, and fight in the battle.  May I listen and discern Your voice increasingly well so I know which times are which!

My prayer:  

O Lord, my God, how powerful are You!  You are the Master Strategist in the planning and execution of this great battle between You and the forces of evil and darkness.  Let me be a faithful and obedient participant in Your army, a well-trained and well-disciplined soldier, serving in any and every capacity to which You assign me.  Most of all, Lord God, may my character reflect You as an ambassador of Your Kingdom.

In the meantime, Abba, there is much work in preparation and recruitment.  I pray for the soul and heart of my first son-in-law, whose character often shows more Godliness and Christian virtue than many who name Your name!  I pray for my daughters and for the new son-in-law, who is especially vulnerable as an immigrant and a brown one at that, to this nation.  I also pray for this nation and its leaders, who do not seem to me to be following You or Your commands and yet are followed by many who claim to be Your followers.  Lastly, and not least importantly, I pray for my heart and character.  I see harsh edges and unattractive characteristics in myself that I feel helpless to change.  Of course--because this is Your battle in my heart!

Are You Angry, God?

 Are You angry, Abba?  In today's Bible reading and the "God Shot" requested in response, my own God Shot involved Your anger at Your rebellious, complaining, disobedient, greedy (I could go on here) people.  "Separate yourselves from this assembly so I can put an end to them at once."  That's pretty mad.  Then You opened up a sinkhole and a flash fire that consumed them.  

May You never be that angry with me!  May I never do anything that makes You that angry with me!

But I probably do make You that angry, and I probably have done things that make You that angry.  Abba, thank You for Jesus.  Thank You that He stood between me and Your justified wrath because of Your (plural) great love--love that was greater than Your wrath.  Did He come to die?  Not only to die, because everyone dies, but also and so importantly to pay with His death for my sins and then to conquer death by returning to life!!

Back to the anger, though~You have every right in Your righteousness to be enraged with us.  I will stand in prayer for myself (which Jesus did NOT have to do) and for my fellow people, especially those who claim to be in Your family, because if I don't commit to do that, I would also be enraged.  I am enraged.  Calm me, Abba, and keep me in Your perfect peace.  Amen.

God Shot for Joseph

 Abba, even though I pray and listen to You every day (thank You for TBR), I wish I could write to You every day.  Writing captures my thoughts much better than the swirl of words and feelings and weirdness in my head.  It seems reasonable to think that You value the capture of words, too, since the Word is so important to You.

Having just finished Genesis with the history of Joseph, I was reminded of my own false-accusation experience.  

• Despite having done nothing wrong, Joseph and I were found guilty without a true recounting of events.
• Despite our motives being Godly, Joseph and I were accused of having inappropriate and harmful intentions.
• Despite Your power, Abba, Joseph and I wait for a long time for -- would it be called exoneration?  Or would it be more accurate to use the word "restoration"?

But I am not quite as Godly, or maybe as mature in my faith in You, as Joseph was, Abba.  I also don't have a lot of confidence that I will be either exonerated or restored.  But I will still praise You, worship You, and serve You.  Many of Your "best" servants went to their graves, either shortly or after a long life, being wrongly judged.  

Ah, Abba.  In what times we live!  Yet I will remain steadfast.  You are my rock, my fortress, my hiding place, my confidence.

Jesus, come quickly!  Not too quickly, because there are many left to rescue.  But I do want You to come soon, with Your Spirit working hard to encourage those still unbelieving to put their lives into Your hands.

(You know who I mean~~)

Amen.

My Psalm

My soul waits in silence for God alone;
From Him come my salvation and my hope.
2 He alone is my rock and my salvation, not the powers of the world,
He is My stronghold; I will not be greatly shaken.

How long, O Lord my God, will evil triumph?
How long will injustice, untruth, and hypocrisy flourish?

I grieve, O Lord.  I lament the unholiness of people--Your people.

Yet why would I expect more from fickle mankind?

I set my heart and my soul on You.

You are the only stable and good foundation.

I know my own fickleness, my own hypocrisy.

I throw myself on Your merciful discipline, O God.

You have spoken [c]once;
[d]Twice I have heard this:
That power belongs to You;
12 And faithfulness is Yours, Lord,
For You reward a person according to his work.

(borrowed in part from Psalm 62)

Exhaustion

•  Debbie died on January 10, 2025. This morning, I cried unexpectedly. The good memory -- not really a memory but more an imagination -- brought to mind a picture of a young, healthy Debbie enjoying a garden in heaven.
• I am happily exhausted from my work. There are *so* many people who want to talk, to feel better. Abba, I am not the savior or the healer; You are! Please use me as a vessel of Your blessing.
• The presidential inauguration was this week. The nation is only three days into this presidency and already there have been multiple disastrous decisions. Please, Abba, allow me the grace to pray for this leader (who is not leading very wisely, or positively. or graciously) and to rest in Your leadership. I am a citizen of Your country.

I will end now because my brain isn't focusing well right now. Until next time, Abba, remember I love You.  :)

Heaviness of Heart

Abba! My sister Debbie is dying.  

I intellectually knew that fact both times I saw her recently, and now that fact is powerfully present in real-time, most likely within hours. I have no regrets about seeing her recently, even though she likely had little, if any, idea or appreciation that I was there. 

Still, there are a couple of memories from those visits.  On the first day, when she did focus for a millisecond on my face, she blurted out, "You look like my sister."  💔  Later in the same visit but on the next day, she caught sight of my face again and commented, "You look wonderful today!"

Really?  LOL!

Maybe not.  Maybe her dementia affects her vision and her judgment.  But whatever the explanation, I will cherish those comments.

I will also remember with affection the time spent with her grandchildren.  I hurt for them and for their father in this loss.  I don't believe I can fill her place, and I don't believe it is an appropriate role for me to assume.  I do believe that there may be a role I can fill, and I will wait for Your direction.