Fervent, Faithful Prayer

Pray that God would remove Satan’s blinding influence . Unbelievers have been blinded by Satan and will only ever be able to see and appreciate the gospel if God works within them. So pray that God would give them sight—spiritual sight. “In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God” (2 Corinthians 4:4).
Pray that God would open their hearts to believe the gospel. Once more, God must initiate and people must respond. So pray that God would open the hearts of these unbelievers so they can in turn believe, just as Lydia did. “The Lord opened her heart to pay attention to what was said by Paul” (Acts 16:14).
Pray that they would come to Christ. If unbelievers are to come to salvation, there is just one way. They must come through Christ and Christ alone. “Jesus said to him, ‘I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me’” (John 14:6). Remember, too, that he is the one who calls them to come and to be relieved of the burden of their sin (see Matthew 11:28-30).

(Thanks to Tim Challies. I did not agree with all of his prayer suggestions, but these are good ones with which I can join him in prayer for Tue.)

Father God, You know that my heart is heavy with concern not only for this young man Tue but for my daughter Julie as well. Please--please!--soften both hearts toward You. Your people are not doing very well in representing You, the Gospel, and Your great love to a lost and frankly evil-controlled world. Help me not to be judgmental (I know I have prayed that before, and recently, and I will likely have to pray it many times more and frequently) and help me not be a bad ambassador for You. May I represent You not only to Tue--supremely importantly for his salvation--but also to Julie as one touched by Your unconditional love and eager to touch others with Your unconditional love. In Jesus's name~~Amen.

Wishing Prayer Worked Sooner

Dear Heavenly Father, I wish that we did not have to wait so LONG for our prayers to be answered.  Of course, in this particular instance I am referring to Tue.  And Julie, too.  For a long time, I have worried about Julie's negativity in general and toward church people in specific.  I have wished, and prayed, that she would find a place in Your body where she felt at home and loved and accepted and respected.  That does not seem to have happened, at least not yet.  I don't know how to plead with You to intervene here.  You know it is not Tue that is the real problem; it is, rather, that Your people are not doing a great job being Your ambassadors.  Yes, I just realized how judgmental that sounds--and is.  There are also big spiritual enemies battling for their souls and lives.  Maybe I also need to confront my disappointment in good people believing dumb things.  

I want to get back to not knowing how to beg You to step in.  This is what brings me to tears.  Again, it isn't Tue.  It is what is represented in their relationship and in the lack in the church: few high-quality Christian men.  The Audible book I am listening to, Lord of the Rings, addresses the treason of Saruman, a formerly good and honorable wizard.  (Is that what he and Gandalf are?  Something about their "order.")  This concept hit me squarely today in my travels, bringing to mind the people of the Christian faith who have sold out for power to the current administration.  Wow.  And the damage being wreaked on our evangelism!  How can I invite people--thinking, honorable people--like Tue to places that treated him as the Alton Bay congregant did?  He deserves better.  Julie deserves better, and she has been denied good experiences for many years now, probably since middle school.

I beg You!  Please step in!  Do something!

And after all that, I recall the devotional I stole from Facebook and sent to Julie today:

May 1

YOU ARE ON THE PATH of My choosing. There is no randomness about your life. Here and Now comprise the coordinates of your daily life. Most people let their moments slip through their fingers, half-lived. They avoid the present by worrying about the future or longing for a better time and place. They forget that they are creatures who are subject to the limitations of time and space. They forget their Creator, who walks with them only in the present.

Every moment is alive with My glorious Presence, to those whose hearts are intimately connected with Mine. As you give yourself more and more to a life of constant communion with Me, you will find that you simply have no time for worry. Thus, you are freed to let My Spirit direct your steps, enabling you to walk along the path of Peace.

Luke 12:25-26
“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?"

Jude VV. 24-25
To Him Who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy--to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forever more! Amen.

Luke 1:79
To shine on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the path of peace.

(Jesus Calling devotional by Sarah Young)

Blockbuster News

Julie loves Tue and Tue loves Julie.

That is not the blockbuster news.

What *is* the bombshell is their joint concern about "hurting" us because Tue is not (yet) a Christian.  I think that is sweet and just a bit scary.  The scary part is the uncertainty I have about how to respond.  

Lord, I am tempted--not in the best way--to say "Has the Lord really said...?"  I know what You say.  I also know that there are misinterpretations that demonize unbelievers.  (In fact, that is one of the several things that Julie and Tue react to so negatively in certain churches.)  Where is Your love?  Your oh-so-welcoming LOVE?

And Tue has made all the right promises about attending church with Julie, about raising their prospective children as Christians, about continuing to seek.  He is just not ready to "convert."  His father's faith seems to be something of a barrier, although Tue does not observe it (at least to my knowledge and outwardly).  

It is about You, Jesus.  Can we make it about YOU and not about stupid Christians?

...but I digress.  This is also about Julie and Tue.  In fact, Lord, it is in great measure about Tue, and in another perhaps equally great measure about Julie.  Individually and separately, their faith journeys have been rocky.  You don't have a lot of good ambassadors around the United States today.  (Let me be one.)  How would You address this sweet couple?  How do You want to use me in Your work here?  And, more importantly, how will You step in?  It so seems to me that they are inviting You.  Please, please lead them.  The path they have been taking to find a good (or good enough) church has been torturously twisted. 

Will the Alpha experience help?  I have done what I could.  Now, Lord God, I leave it up to You to nudge them toward it.  I see much about it that awakens hope in my heart, but they have to experience it.  All I can do is pray...which is, of course, not "all" in the sense of "so little."  

Can You and I make an agreement that I will document, if on my phone app, prayer every day for Tue's salvation and Julie's recommitment?  For the number of days that You choose, Lord.  Then I will welcome Tue into our family.  He is already in our hearts, or mine, at least.

(And do I email CityLife?  Emailing churches has not been good for me.)

 

Good Morning

This morning, as You know, Lord, I am at the Hyatt Regency in Boston for the second day of the "Treating Young Adults" conference.  The independence :) that I am experiencing and expressing is rather invigorating--even this, sitting here to write or journal or blog or whatever this is.  My DH would be over my shoulder prying into these entries, and You know that I *hate* that.  It is ... well, we can get into that later.  I love him.  And I know him.  And as one of the conference speakers addressed yesterday, a mature love understands the weaknesses and foibles and accepts them as part of the entire person.  Yes.

But I digress.  What shall we focus on today?  The entry in my devotional about fasting has gripped my heart and mind.  I am going to try--I certainly cannot promise in my own strength!--to stay away from my Homescapes and other games.  I find them a distraction, a way to capture my wandering distress, and a way to refocus.  We will find another way to accomplish those things, yes?  Perhaps by knocking off those memory verses on which I have fallen so far behind?  :)

I know it isn't about memorizing verses.  I know it is not about how much Scripture I read.  It *is* about how those things, and others, help me to know You more.  That is my prayer; that is my desire.  

You know, what I said earlier about DH is probably if not almost certainly what You say and think and feel about me.  You love me, understanding my weaknesses and foibles, and You accept them as a part of the complete "me."  Yes.  Yes?  

A Time Apart

"Treating Young Adults" at the Hyatt Regency in Boston, sponsored by Harvard Medical School, worth 14 CEUs.  And a night in this hotel.  I should--I will!--stop the silly games on the iPhone and concentrate for a little bit of time before going to bed.

The idea of Sabbath, "rest," is my devotional reading on YouVersion right now.  Start: 8:30 p.m.  Listen....

The air conditioner fan just came on.

Julie is texting me about an Easter gift idea for Tue (I initiated the conversation).

The conference is wonderful.

The idea of fasting is also mentioned in my YouVersion devotional.  Could I NOT play a game on my phone for a day?

It's only 8:32 p.m.

Just getting away to be alone is refreshing.  Not being home with all the distractions may force me to sit quietly.  (There *is* an awful lot to do at home over the next two weeks....)

I am discouraged by the government, and particularly by the president.  I am coming to believe that he is ill, possibly with a form of dementia, on top of an already-malignantly-narcissistic personality disorder.  His blithe lying, even about things such as his father's birthplace, is alarming.

Maranatha, Lord Jesus!  Come quickly!

The USA Needs This

1 Timothy 2:1-3

I exhort therefore, that, first of all, supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks, be made for all men; For kings, and for all that are in authority; that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and honesty. For this is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Savior. 

• Father, remove leaders and men of authority that you did not set up. Give our nations selfless leaders, men and women of wisdom and understanding; leaders who will not cause your people to err.
• Father, grant us wise leaders whose hearts will set to know and to search out and to seek true wisdom and the reason of things, and to know that wickedness is folly; to perceive the words of understanding; to receive the instruction of justice, judgment and equity.

https://www.prayerrelay.com/prayer-points-for-nations/

Yes.  Please.  For the sake of Your Kingdom and Your people and in Jesus's name and Spirit~~Amen.

New Year 2019 Sermon

“Deliver me from the liars, God!
    They smile so sweetly but lie through their teeth.” Psalm 120:2 MSG

Tom Sparling, pastor at The Journey, spoke about this text and the book "A Long Obedience in the Same Direction" this morning (January 6,2019).  The Message and the book are both by Eugene Peterson, who died in his 80s in October 2018.  

This verse struck me like a slap.  I am so discouraged with the president of the United States (I started to type "our" president, but I cannot own him).  I am also discouraged, as I heard Tom also confessing, with the evangelical community who either support him--the president, that is--and/or hatefully promote his lying, unloving, and frankly immature positions.  How many lies so far?  

Combined with the rest of his presidency, that adds up to a total of 6,420 claims through Oct. 30, the 649th day of his term in office, according to The Fact Checker’s database that analyzes, categorizes and tracks every suspect statement uttered by the president.  

( Kessler, Glenn, et al. “President Trump Has Made 6,420 False or Misleading Claims over 649 Days.” The Washington Post, WP Company, 2 Nov. 2018, www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2018/11/02/president-trump-has-made-false-or-misleading-claims-over-days/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.777261a74ec8.)

 But I digress.

My prayer, since this is a prayer blog, is for 1) me--that I may repent and cast my concerns, my sinful judgment, and my frustrated blathering about this lying insanity and 2) the president and his followers--that they, too, may repent of their lying and unloving words and actions.

I'm in trouble!  I am crying to You, God; I am crying out.

"I’m in trouble. I cry to God,  desperate for an answer." (Psalm 120:1 MSG)

Election Day 2018

Over and over and over...May Your will be done, God.

I am concerned for this country.  I am concerned for Your church.  I am concerned for my children's generation and the future we are creating for them.

Be glorified, dear Lord!  Light shines brightest in darkness, and the darkness seems to be getting darker.  Let me shine Your light, be a light, and attract people's eyes to You.

In Jesus's name~Amen.

Urgent

The problems of this country *are* urgent, Father.  I have appreciated the stance of the denomination that our older daughter attends, the Brethren in Christ, regarding blind American patriotism (of course, they put it much more gently and effectively, but still....).  At the very same time, I am concerned.  We are commanded--ordered, mandated!--by You to pray for our leaders.  I even hate to call the President a leader, and yet he is leading a fair number of people known as his "base."  Leading them to racism, sexism and sexual immorality, hatred, pride, thoughtlessness, and mediocrity, inconsiderate selfishness, and isolationism.  Wow.  And many of the "leaders" of our churches are supporting him!

Will it take breaking us, Lord?  It may.  It probably should.  We have grown comfortable in our affluence.  We have grown comfortable in our sin!  Break my heart for what breaks Yours, as the song goes.  Break my hard heart.  I pray this first for myself, although I wish I could pray it for the American people.  But I know that no one can repent for another person.  

(PS  Speaking of that, may I bug You some more for the boyfriend of my younger daughter?  For him to commit to You, to follow You, to know You?)

Well, Lord, may Your kingdom come!  Love You.  Amen~~

Concern for My Country

Father God, I am worried about this nation.  I hesitate to call it "my" country any more; I know that my citizenship is secure in heaven.  Still, my earthly father served in the military in this country, and I cringe to see what it has become.  So, in short (because this is a secret blog and husband is coming home in minutes), please intervene.  The evil, the lies, are more than disheartening.  I can imagine that our enemy--our enemies?--and our Enemy are enjoying this debacle.  Please intervene, for Your glory and the good of Your kingdom and Your people.  In Jesus's name, Who belongs to all nations~Amen.

A Trump-Free Day?

Father God, I sometimes act as if You are not still in full control and command of the world.  I am so sorry for my lack of faith.  I do know that at times You allow things to "get out of control" to show rebellious people (like myself) that we would do so much better to submit to Your ways of doing things.  I also know that You love Your people and have done--and will do--amazing things to protect and rescue them in the middle of those out-of-control teaching moments.

So, strengthen my faith, please.  The GDP report was just released, and it is good.  I can celebrate that!  I also ask that You weaken my anger and my frustration and my preoccupation with the next stupid thing done by the President.  Yes, a Trump-free day would be refreshing.  Let me rest in knowing YOU.

El Pais y El Mundo

I got stuck, Lord, regarding what I really wanted to spend time here talking about with You.  I have been charmed by the Harry Potter stories, despite some of the concerns about witchcraft.  (BTW, I thought it wasn't nearly as bad as many may have described, and I thought there were surprising references to Christian and Biblical holidays and principles and, on a couple of occasions, quoted Scripture.)  So, I initially wanted a post to be titled "The Pensive," a nod to the container of memories in Dumbledore's office. 

But then...my deep and deepening concern about this country and the world.  I almost said "my" country, but I corrected myself.  I no longer identify with the United States of America.  Some of my disconnect has been prompted by my daughters, particularly the older one who worships in a Brethren in Christ church.  Another huge piece of my disillusionment comes from the weirdness, the craziness, of the current government and especially its leader (aka the President).  I get angry; I refer to him by unflattering, even insulting, terms; I want him to fail.  Then I realize that I am not praying for him as You have commanded.  I am also supposed to "love" him.  How?  He is, I am convinced, leading the nation astray!  He is a liar, an adulterer, a selfish and ungodly person.  And still, the President.

How did that happen?  I wonder, truly, if anyone else sees the possibility that the election interference so widely discussed and all but proven did have an effect.  Or, in another vein, are Americans that evil and stupid?  It certainly seems that he caters to the darker side of human nature--the racism, the sexism, the selfishness, the xenophobia.

So much darkness, so much sin.  Light needs to shine, and if this is a time for Your light to be carried by Your people, then Lord, let me be one of the lightbearers.  I fear that some of Your people are being misled, in the words of Matthew 24:24--"so as to mislead, if possible, even the elect."

May I not be among the misled.  "Teach me to pray!"


"When the foundations are being destroyed, what can the righteous do?" —Psalms 11:3

The President

I cannot even call him "our" President.  I saw a title of a news article that claimed he "is not your president."  (The Washington Post, June 1, 2018, Greg Sargent)  Unfortunately, I agree.

And I have put off writing in this prayer journal, despite many promptings in my spirit to pray for him.  It is hard to pray for someone that you believe is an idiot, and an evil one at that.  But I am under compulsion, out of obedience to the Word:

"I urge, then, first of all, that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving [choke!] be made for all people--for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness."

Oh, my.

I think sometimes he believes he is more king than president.  I *know* that he has little to no idea about law, protocol, even the idea that he represents ALL of the citizens of the United States, and not just the ones called "his base."   

So, dear God, Ruler of everything--truly, and not because of some false belief--please bless him.  Somehow, work Your will through him though he is a faulted, fallible, possibly even corrupt leader.  You have done it before!  Please bring him to repentance.  

...which brings me to another request: Your name is being besmirched.  Because (for reasons that I fail to comprehend) evangelical leaders are embracing this president, Convict them--us--of our hypocrisy and shallowness.  Let Your Spirit loose among us to bring us to our knees in the sadness of conviction.  Include me as well, God.  And don't let me shrink back from speaking truth, but do let me say true things lovingly.

In Jesus's name~~Amen.

Prayer for Grievance

So, Lord, tomorrow I face a giant:  Someone in a position of power and political clout, a bully, a taunter.  I know I don't have a lot of time here to pray, and I want to ask You for ... peace, confidence, eloquence, and justice.  I am not in this for revenge but for justice.  The favoritism at work is destructive and disheartening, and the opposite of it, which is the condemnation and bullying, is also destructive and disheartening.

Please allow me to be calm and fully in Your presence during the hearing.  May I speak only the words that You put in my mouth, and may they be truth and healing.  The purpose is that: truth and healing.

May You be glorified!  In Jesus's name~~Amen.

My Secret Place of Joy

Lord, before I check on that stupid Super Bowl score, I ask You to calm me.  I love YOU.  Nothing else matters.  In Jesus's name~~Amen.

I Hate Anxiety

Week after week during football season, I suffer.  I know, Lord, that it sounds trivial and stupid.  It is.  And yet, I suffer.

Tomorrow will be no different.  Well, on second thought, it might be different.  It might be worse.  The quarterback for "my" team was (slightly) injured during practice a few days ago.  The injury (throwing-hand thumb knuckle) is not, in and of itself, serious, but anything could affect accuracy.  And I have already started to obsess and feel sick in my stomach.

Please, dear Lord, when so many are burdened with far more serious, even life-and-death problems, take this silly anxiety away from me.  I have considered the possibility, maybe even the probability, that this accidental injury was part of Your will for this team this year.  How else to think about this freak event?  Maybe this is not supposed to be "their" year.

Show me, please, how to cope with the anxiety.  Even better, please, take it away from me!

And may Your will be done in everything.  In Jesus's name~~Amen.

"Back By Noon"

Ah, those words, Lord, give me a deadline.  🤣  I do NOT want anyone, including my DH, to have access to this private prayer place. 

So, here I am.  Thank You for the blessing of this "journal" online.  It is more private than a written journal, although I would not mind such a diary of my communications with you (if computers ever become impossible to use).  

There continue to be many things about which to pray.  Sometimes I think, and sometimes I have thought, that there are too many things!  It is impossible for a human--a mere mortal--to pray about "everything" that warrants prayer.  

In my reading so far this year, much of it in the Old Testament, I notice that the patriarchs were just plain "faithful."  They had to take care of their daily affairs in a much more time-cumbersome way than I do!  But that left them little time to "pray" about "everything."  They had to pray differently, and I expect that it came down to 1) worshiping You, and 2) asking for Your help with those daily affairs.

On a slightly different note, since I titled this post after my DH's message, I need to ask You to reduce my irritation at him.  He is such a loving guy.  Sometimes, though, he is not a thinking (not to be confused with thoughtful) guy.  He does not consider the meta-message of his words or actions.  But the heart!  Oh, his heart is good.  Help my irritation, please.  I--not so much he, but I--need to change.

So!  I am racing the clock, and he did say "...by noon."  I love You, God, and I want to be more -- well, as I said earlier in this post, just plain faithful.  

In Jesus's name~~Amen.

"Could Use a Little Extra Prayer"

Music to my mama-heart!  My YD sent me those words yesterday to ask for prayer support for her classroom observation this week.  I want to be faithful to the request and the promise to pray; thus, this entry.

Dear Heavenly Father, I have poured out my heart to You for my daughters.  I have recently shared with You my (mild) concern about the "unequally-yoked" relationship this daughter has with her boyfriend, an admittedly high-quality, loving, superb man.  (And still seeking You, I hope.)  But I digress.  This prayer is for YD and her performance in the classroom during the evaluation.  I ask confidence for her.  I request clarity and command of the material.  I petition You to intervene in her students' hearts and minds to calm them and to make them receptive to her instruction.  I beseech (what a strong, lovely word!) You to shine Your light through her, Your vessel, for the purpose of declaring Your power and glory.  

"This book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth..." (an old version that I once memorized)  A newer translation is this:

Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.  Joshua 1:8

May this be so for her!  In Jesus's name and for the sake of His reputation~~Amen.

One month

Yes, Lord, it has been 4 weeks since I last posted here.  Oy.  To the day.  (I think I took that Wednesday off for my medical appointment--physical.)

When this happens, I don't really know where to begin.  

First, I promised my client (KB) that I would pray for her although I was going to pray during our canceled appointment time.  Father God, she lost her son to an opiate overdose.  I feel really helpless to help her; that grief cannot be traditional or standard in any way, although more and more deaths are occurring because of it.  Before I ask You for help to help her, let me ask You to help her directly.  She mentioned that her husband was in the hospital overnight.  I didn't ask specifically, but it would stand to reason that there was something concerning to warrant admission.  She has a remarkably important job as a SPED director for Webster: "Director of Student Support Services."  AND, in addition to all that, she is allowing her deceased son's girlfriend and their child, a 5-year-old kindergartener, to live with them.

You, of course, know all of this.  Please bless her in a way that only You know will be most "blessing."  To my knowledge, she is a woman of the Catholic faith, and she might not know You in the born-again personal way.  Bless her so that she knows incontrovertibly that it is YOU.  Not only for her sake, but for Yours as well.

Second, then: Would You help me find the Fordham Christmas sweatshirt?  Silly request, of course.  It's sentimental.

Third: the reason it is sentimental is my second daughter.  She is in a relationship with a stellar young man--but by his own confession, he is not (yet) a Christian.  I really like him.  I imagine that You do, too!  In fact, I am quite sure that You love him.  He is a quality guy, a person who loves sacrificially, and a thinker who is not going to take this faith lightly.  For those reasons, I consider him a better Christian than many of my fellow brothers and sisters.  BUT--he is not (yet) a Christian, and I am concerned as my daughter's mother that she is heading toward heartbreak and heartache and frank disobedience.  

There.  I have said it.  I want her to follow Your instructions.  I cannot do that for her, though.  Please intervene in Your wise way.  It is fairly certain <smile> that You want that young man more than I do.  You know whether he is good for my daughter (although, as the cliche goes, no one is good enough for one's daughter).  You will not force my daughter to do the right thing.  I will not pretend to know what the right thing is for her. 

(The furnace maintenance person just arrived.  Thank You for this time.  I guess this is all for today.)

Confessing and Reflecting

Wow.  Has it really been three months since I wrote here?  The last post was dated 8/19/17, I think.  Again, wow.

A little stream of consciousness before I can settle down, I suspect.  I am in a bit of a funk.  Definition of funk: a state of depression; synonyms a bad mood, a low, the dumps, the doldrums.  Yep.  That's about right...or wrong.

I am not entirely sure what started this period of the blues.  I am not sure that knowing the beginning matters.  I just know that I don't like myself very much and that I am crabby and irritable and dissatisfied.  I don't know where to start chronicling the ... I don't know what to call the list of issues.  The one, however, that is most recent and most current is DH.  I guess I will start there.

The dissatisfaction around DH is confusing and disruptive.  I know that part of my annoyance has to do with his [thoughtless] support of the Religious Right and its support of our current President.  It bothers me that he does not appear to think critically about the issues but automatically, even reflexively, accepts what certain leaders promote.  To be completely honest, I am confused, even befuddled.  I don't want to fall into heresy; and I don't want to be a Pharisee.  I am torn, bemused, and tired of thinking.  But I digress.  I get annoyed, even angry, at DH for what I perceive to be stupid and simplistic generalizations.  I also react strongly, vehemently, vigorously, and automatically to being treated like a second-class citizen, a child, a person who has significant deficits and cannot think for herself.  When I stop--if I stop--to think, I would venture that DH is not a deep enough thinker to recognize the subliminal messages that he is sending.  But "a man speaks from what fills his heart."  Is DH feeling a need to be superior?  Is he feeling a decline in his own cognitive functioning?  He is forgetting a bunch of things, and then remembering the most surprising of other things. 

I have stopped telling him a lot about work and about my medical problems for two significant reasons: one, he forgets them; two, he judges me for having them.  There is not an acceptance of a supportive nature.  In fact, with regard to work, he once said something about "you are always right," and he did not mean it in any way but sarcastically.  The curse.  With due humility, I think I might be right much of the time.  But people in positions above me are not always affirming and are sometimes incompetent.  I grew up believing that the teacher was always right, and the promotions went to the most deserving and the best qualified.  Nope.  I don't think that anymore.

So with DH, I feel disappointed.  The partnership is not so much a partnership.  For example, yesterday he insisted that our daughters are "independent and *should* not need support (such as a bit of financial help or a wake-up call)."  But then he said that he would "have" to wake up at 5:30 a.m. on his day off because he "needed" to wake me up at 6:00 a.m.  So, the impression is that I am not capable at my age of waking myself up.  Or making gifts of a helpful nature to our daughters.  Or reasoning?  I am in a bind with this situation.  Giving feedback or advice seems to contradict him, which then feels like I am disrespecting him.  I know I need to learn how to give feedback better.  (Maybe my next learning adventure?)

Pause.  Another confession.  I am burned out with churches.  I see the same problems of incompetence and hard-heartedness and lack of love in the leadership of so many churches, including the one we just left.  I see that arrogance and NOT-Christ-likeness in much of the Religious Right, including some of the people that I considered my friends.  I am confused and, honestly and frankly, disgusted.  I just want to crawl into a solitary faith and focus just on me and my relationship with God (You!).  I can see why monastic life has an attractiveness to it.  I remember, though, someone who said that we cannot escape from ourselves and our sinful attitudes, even when we are alone.  We are meant to live in community--and it is not easy.

I did not tell DH that I am taking the day off.  He, to my knowledge, does not know about this blog.  I wouldn't be able to dump my honest junk here if he did.  That judgment again....

Help me, Lord.  I am stuck in a deep, deep rut.  I ache, both physically and spiritually.  I want to be thankful during this month of Thanksgiving, and I have fallen WAY behind.  (I am going to stop here and try to catch up a little while I have this lull before my 2 p.m. appointment.)

You know I love You, right?