The Spirit and My Life

I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life

who proceeds from the Father [and the Son],

who with the Father and the Son is adored and glorified,

who has spoken through the prophets.  (from the Nicene Creed)  

What prayer is the Holy Spirit expressing in your soul?  As I read the Life in the Spirit individual retreat prompts (from LTI), I personalized the first-person plural pronouns to first-person singular--that is, I made the readings about ME.  

• *I* am God's child.
• *I* cry, "Abba, Father!"
• The Spirit helps *me* in my weakness.  *I* do not know what I ought to pray for (oh, yeah), but the Spirit himself intercedes for *me* through wordless groans.  And he who searches *my* heart knows the mind of the Spirit.

What prayer do you offer in response?  I surrender.  Not my will, but Yours be done.

Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love,

for I have put my trust in You.

Show me the way I should go,

for to You I entrust my life.

Rescue me from my enemies, Lord,

for I hide myself in You.

Teach me to do Your will,

for You are my God;

may Your good Spirit

lead me on level ground.

(Psalm 143:8-10)

The best definition I have discovered for  agape is “unconquerable benevolence.” It means that no matter what people may do to us by way of insult, injury, or humiliation, we will never seek anything but their highest good. (Steve Macchia)  This is a really piercing reminder for me during this desert experience of the administrative leave-without-end.

My Current Need

 "You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good."  Joseph to his brothers

I have too little time without DH at home to write more, Abba, but I will, probably tomorrow.  Much on which to reflect, including conversations with Tue about 1 Peter, anxiety, "casting cares" on You, and his recognition of a song ("Come to the Altar")

Soon!

Soul Cleansing

 

"Do I want to know God's will more than anything else?" (Rueben Job, from Spiritual Discernment Soul Care Retreat)

Abba God, my heart is slow today to engage in some of these deep reflections.  My eyes want to close; earlier, as I listened again to "Savior, Like a Shepherd Lead Us" and read again Pastor Job's question above, I cried.  I think I do.  Sometimes, though, Your will is not the easy path.  (Ask Jesus.) Sometimes it requires not just the death of the body, but the death of hopes, aspirations, plans and anticipations.  Sometimes, even, it may mean the death of a reputation.

Ah.  But I count it ALL as loss.  Philippians 3:8-10--and now I am crying again.  I will copy this passage in another entry, soon, but now I will quit.  I am overwhelmed and overcome with sadness.  But my soul is being cleansed by my tears, and there will come a day when there won't be tears any more.

I love You, God, and yes, I do want to know Your will more than anything else.

An Iranian Woman

 I am on the verge of tears, Abba God, recalling how Nona came over to chat with me yesterday during my platelet donation appointment.  Now no longer on the verge, I am crying.  I have no idea whether Cindy had told Nona my story or whether this kind visit with her was orchestrated by You, but in either case it touched my heart.  (It also touched my heart and amused me when Cindy responded with an expletive when I described the situation to her.) I wait; I ask You for discernment; I try to use this time, without the stress of no income, in a productive way.  Thank You for Nona's sweet interaction with me yesterday.  I felt comforted that those who know me pretty well don't believe the awful allegations of wrongdoing lodged against me.

In the meantime, I look for direction from You.  What next?  Or, in the words of Julie's former principal, "So what? Now what?"

Love you!

Discernment and Leading: Holy Spirit

So many thoughts, not really competing with each other but rather acting like puzzle pieces to a whole picture of discerning Your will, seeing Your leading to and pointing out Your specific path forward, and then--then!--choosing to walk that path.  Seems to me like these things are components for the process, that one without the others would be incomplete obedience.  How, Holy Father Abba, can I personally do what You are asking me to do?  This request assumes that I know what You are asking me to do, and I can see how my current devotional on prayer fits into this request.

I looked for verses in Your word to capture my heart this morning as I seek discernment.  These verses from Acts made water fall from my eyes:

*Then the Spirit said [to Philip].... Acts 8:29

*[While Peter was reflecting on the vision,] the Spirit said to him.... Acts 10:19

*[While they were ministering to the Lord and fasting,] the Holy Spirit said.... Acts 13:2

There are a few other verses in Acts that indicate Your Spirit's active direction in the lives of the apostles.  The three that I chose have this in common: the Spirit SAID.  Say, Lord, what I need to hear from You.  My ears, both spiritual and physical, are impaired but with Your "hearing aids" I will receive these communications from You clearly, loudly, and without distortion.  In Jesus's name~Amen.

Spiritual Discernment

 

What am I seeking in this soul-care time of prayer, reflection, and discernment? (from the LTI Retreat Guide) (one sentence only!)

Lord God, Adonai, Abba, I seek to know the path of Your choosing for my life in this fork in the road of my life.

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The women.  That is what jumped out at me at my first reading of Luke 24:13-35.  "...our women amazed us."  It doesn't surprise me very much that women are and were amazing, or that "Him they did not see."  Perhaps it is a gender-based quality, that famous or infamous "women's intuition," that allows many women to see Jesus and to grasp spiritual realities before the men do.  But the men finally get it.  "Then their eyes were opened and they recognized Him."  

Confession: I grow impatient with DH because he is slower to "get it" much of the time although it is without question that his heart is good and open.  Forgive me, Jesus.  I know in the Gospels that You sometimes grew impatient with Your apostles and disciples for not "getting it" even though they walked with You, saw first-hand the things that You had done, felt in Your presence Who You are in Your nature.  What would have happened if You had written them off?  What would have happened if You had written *me* off when I was slow to "get it"?  Increase my patience and my faith!

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Crossroad.  Exactly.  I have been standing, even sort of making a sitting area, at this juncture in the path while awaiting--what?  A Divine Pointer Finger?  Yes, maybe that.  While I am at this crossroad, Holy God, let me look around attentively, examining this place and seeing the details of the area and looking down each path to catch a glimpse of You.  Which path -- from which path -- are You beckoning?

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"Redemptive meaning was given to pain." Flora S. Wuellner.  May this be true in this experience, my Lord Adonai, dearest Abba.  Show me the redemptive meaning in this painful experience.  Redeem me, and then help me to share the meaning humbly and clearly where I need to share it.  Amen.

Time Gets On

Lord, I am coming up to six weeks on leave.  I cannot say that it has not been refreshing in some ways, productive in some other ways, and painful in more than a few ways.  It has taught me several things; the most important thing, I believe, is that I may have ignored or otherwise passed over a sense that it is time for me to move into retirement.

I confess, Lord, to an unholy pride that somehow the hospital could not get along without me.  Well, they are.  I am not nearly as indispensable as I once thought.  Being at home and getting a LOT of things done has been relaxing, too.  I am not sure that my DH has enjoyed my being at home, though, in some ways because I think he had been getting into his own retirement routine.  I am sure that my Bailey Beagle has loved it.  He has been a companion who makes me feel quite loved (not that DH has failed at that!).

My next step appears to be researching retirement for myself and specifically the Group 2 designation. This week is a busy week with various appointments: root canal follow-up, platelet donation, haircut and color, taking my mother to a medical appointment, and just doing the next "one" thing around the house.  See? This time "off" has not exactly been idle time.

Lord God, You know that I am devoted to serving You.  I see the ways in which this trial has overtones of having me join in the fellowship of Jesus's sufferings.  He, too, was falsely accused, considered a criminal, unjustly punished even unto death.  Although it isn't too likely that this trial will kill me, it may be the death of my career.  

You just sent a hummingbird.  

Not my will but Yours be done.  Amen.

Blankness

Still waiting.

I wonder how many times the Israelites said or thought that.  During the exiles, while awaiting the promised and foretold Messiah, even while their loved ones were away--without instant messaging or texting or GPS tracking, or the other accommodations to the anxiety of not knowing.  

I do not know.  Will the decision be favorable or disciplinary?  I am not even sure I want to return after many weeks of being on this (thankfully paid) leave.  Maybe I needed the kick to practice being retired.  It's not so bad.  I have made a lot of progress on various projects that lingered and languished.  Think "basement closet."  (There is still more to do there.) My current challenge is prioritization; what is the best thing to do first?

Father God, I trust You and I will trust You.  Your ways are NOT my ways, nor are Your thoughts my thoughts.  Lead me in the path You have charted for me, and help me to follow You without engaging my intellectual rationalizations.  You don't always make "sense" as the world sees sense, but You always do what is right and good.  For the sake of Your kingdom, and may it come soon! Amen.