My Alone Time

God, I know my time is extremely limited this afternoon.  Without going into all the details of the tasks awaiting me, please allow me to spend this completely necessary time alone with You to refresh.  I am uncomfortable even doing this at home.  Interested "nosy" eyes look at what I am writing, and sometimes this is intensely personal stuff.

And that is, after all, what prayer is supposed to be.  As I sit here and think about that statement--"what prayer is supposed to be"-- I also recall that prayer is supposed to be a time of devoting myself to You, to adoring You, to appreciating You.  You really have been amazing (more so than normal, which is amazing) throughout our trip to pick up Amy in Tijuana.  I, on the other hand, have not been so amazing.  Man, has my sin appeared.  I leap to justifying my behaviors, of course; after all, I am a normal human in that regard.  I don't think I can even begin to acknowledge the specifics; I still have an emotional reaction to the situations.  I will surrender, God.  I am an inappropriate, imperfect, sinful woman, and I have quick and judgmental reactions to people.  I need much more "tolerance" (though I hate that word) for people who are less than perfect, too.  (My DH falls into that category, of course.)

So, over the past month I have been...lonely.  There are not very many, if any, people to whom I can talk openly and without fear of judgment.  I have retreated into my relationship with You even more.  I don't think that's all that great.  Not that it isn't wonderful to tell You everything, and hopefully to listen to You and learn.  I run the risk of becoming "right in my own eyes" but not in the views of others.  And then, to complicate matters even further, I run the risks (plural) of measuring my success by others' opinions of me OR of not caring to verify my truths with others.  Oy.  My head begins to hurt.

Ideally, God, I would be in such close communication with You that only Your approval and direction would matter to me.  Would You allow that for me?  I'd really like it.

Oh, for more time!  In Jesus's name and in the fullness of the Holy Spirit~Amen.