Home on a Sunday

 

Abba God, You are a God of great love.  I stayed home today with our sick beagle not because I don't love You but because I do love that dog AND my DH, who had cleaned diarrhea out of the dog crate two mornings!  I am grateful for livestreamed worship services that help me to "be" there.

One heartbreaking bit of information shared at church but which I had already learned about was the fatal shooting at Worcester State University!  It could be paralyzing to decide to stay away from every place where something might happen, because something might happen ANYWHERE.  How, how do Your people live and love in freedom and peace in such a dangerous world?  I know that You are the ultimate Protector; in fact, ,it seems that You have more than one name that reflects Your protective role and nature (El Elohim, Magen, Jehovah-Nissi).  

So, I will trust in Your protection not only for me but also for my beloved ones--my daughters, their men, my DH, my extended family.  Otherwise, Abba, I might never leave this home again, and even then, there is no guaranteed safety anywhere but under Your wing.

I will go start supper!  Thank You for this chance to be home on a Sunday.

Observations

 

My Adonai, in the past few weeks (months?), I remember talking to You about seeing You in the daily experiences of life.  Today I believe I have an observation from You: I feel better when I don't listen to the news, when I focus on accomplishing concrete and specific tasks on my list, and when I indulge in some reading/listening to books, songs, and other artistic endeavors.  I also feel better when I write here in this journal/blog.  The secrets of my heart!  Not even my DH would be entrusted with them!

Speaking of my DH, he seems shaken by his deferral from blood donation for irregular bradycardia.  Abba, he takes such pride in being strong and healthy, as he measures it by the number on a scale.  (He can be somewhat judgmental about overweight people, and he tries to blame most medical problems on failures of diet.)  Please reassure him.  His life, like mine, is in Your hands.

Today is a beautiful day suited to early Fall, even though it is moving toward the end of October.  Climate change!  You are on the move, and the climate is only one of the early indicators, but there are others and they need to turn our eyes to You.  I am looking, Father.  Let me observe.

I love You.  Amen.

House Arrest

 

Not for the first time, Lord God, have I compared my administrative leave to Paul's house arrest.  

• Held in Rome
• Two year duration
• Able to live in his own home
• Unable to travel
• Constant company from a Roman guard

Two years!  It possibly could have gone longer if Paul had not decided to appeal to Caesar.  That makes me wonder whether I should or should not "appeal" since Paul's appeal resulted in his conviction and execution.

Pastor Toms's preaching about Esther yesterday was interesting in that Tom made fun of patriarchal ideology and that he also emphasized that we sometimes--maybe most times--do not foresee why God places us in certain positions, sometimes for long, boring periods.  So here I am.  (My computer is losing juice; so, I will end this post but listen to the sermon/service again.)

"Waiting here for YOU."

Friendship

 My devotional plan this week, in large part because it has weighed on my heart, is titled "Wisdom for Friendships."  Please, Abba Father, bless the card I plan (but ONLY if You permit!) to send to Ohio.  

How awful it would be for me if You did not carry the weight of our friendship!  I am not a great friend.  I watch my daughters, who spend money and time and effort to maintain their friendships.  Help me, please, to learn and practice better friendship skills.

I admit to being preoccupied with the political landscape.  It is this very landscape, and the divergent views of it, that has wreaked havoc on relationships in many places.  Seal my lips, Lord, and deliver me from the belief that my "superior" logic and reasoning can convince anyone to change their position.

Here goes....

A Sign of Commitment

 I have been watching a show set in Regency England (the decade of 1811-1820).  It struck me that the sign of commitment to a relationship was correspondence.  Of course.  There were no telephones, no emails, no texts to communicate with loved ones, and the written word carried the message of the heart.  Moreover, it was documentation that was savable and cherished.  

Abba, we speak of Scripture being Your love letter to us for the same reasons.  It remains forever, You say in Isaiah 40.  Some of Your beloveds cherish the actual book, almost idolizing it.  I see how cherished Your words are for us whose souls are bereft of Your presence.

So, I was challenged to take this little bit of solitude to write back to You as a sign of my commitment.  I also want to demonstrate my actual prayer and not just the often-empty and vague promise to pray about situations and people.  If I recall what I used to do many years ago, with long lists of "prayer requests," I smile at my youthful and zealous naivete and I also regret the emphasis on prayer as intercession and requests.  It is so much more.  

Thanks to Your sacrificial love, I can end this entry with this closing:

Eternally Yours,

Me

Failed Already

 Argh, Lord, I get so provoked by illogical conclusions.  I am especially provoked when my DH engages in them, mainly because I want to believe he is smarter than that.  Maybe that is my own fault.  I can overlook the failure of logic in people whom I know to have some limitations.  I wish my DH did not fall into that category, but perhaps he does.

So, I failed again.  I listen to Scripture and to young adult fiction (currently "Eldest"), and I see and hear examples of stubborn, irrational characters.  I observe current events and the political positioning of politicians courtesy of frank lies, which are generously named "misinformation."  But when DH reaches a conclusion based on faulty reasoning and incomplete information, let alone a critical thinking process, it makes me nuts.  When I am nuts, my mouth operates almost independently of my mind and my will.  Ugh.

So much to pray about, God.  The world really doesn't go well these days.  I would like to spend some time reflecting--maybe a more accurate description would be preparing by reflecting--on how others of Your people lived through oppression, wars, and evil.  Knowing that reason and logic will not convince some, even many, people might be a first step.  False accusations are also common during such times.  Standing firm and peaceful, confident that I am listening to and following You, is what I want and ask for myself.  Would You grant me that?  It would go a long way to strengthening me for these frightening times ahead,

Love You, God.  Deaf though I am in my physical and spiritual hearing, I want to hear Your voice and see what You are doing.  May You grant that to me!  Amen.

Learning to Listen

Father Abba, over the past few devotional times I have had, I have picked up (a little) on the notion of discernment and listening.  Quiet--solitude--watching and SEEING and listening attentively--reflecting on all those inputs to see if the puzzle pieces fit together into a picture of what You are doing in me and maybe in the world, too.  There are lots of distractions; some of them might have small, oddly-shaped he pieces of the puzzle.  Wars, natural disasters, internal and relational stressors, and in all of it, uncertainty that provokes anxiety.  EXCEPT there are no unknowns for You!  If I hold onto that single certain truth, I can chase away the anxiety.  I still feel some urgency about not only my own loved ones (think Tue and his faith) but also the innocents of the world (think refugees, victims of war and violence, and even victims of lies and gaslighting).  

I have a client in 30 minutes.  May I listen carefully and attentively to her as well.  

I love You, Lord.  And I lift my voice, my hands, and my heart to worship You.  May I serve You well, not just like Martha (although there is great satisfaction in accomplishment and order) but also like Mary.  Amen!

Verge of Tears

Abba, I am on the verge of tears today.  Whenever I stop to think, to allow myself to think for any length of time, the tears well up.  Much of my angst today and yesterday has come from my DH, with whom I have been disappointed for some time.  If I let my mind go, I can go back over 15 years and find examples of his disregard for me.  There is also the issue of his disrespect for issues and matters of importance to me.  Some of these issues involve racist, sexist, and judgmental attitudes toward people who are disadvantaged or different.  Yet, he serves often and willingly with the refugee ministry, and he serves often and willingly in task-oriented opportunities at church.  Such mind-bending contradictions!  He has provided so well for me and for our daughters.  On the other hand, he is so (annoyingly!) focused on every retirement-advising podcast or publication that he can find that he misses the big picture of what is going on in the world and how it reflects what You are doing in the world.  His interpretations of events and philosophies and political positions enrage me!  How can he be so ill-informed, so bad at critical thinking and evaluation?  Not that a whole lot of people in the US don't embrace those same interpretations...and not that their short-sightedness doesn't similarly enrage me....

I need to move along.  I do love You a lot, and I do acknowledge with a contrite heart that my rage is not pleasing to You.  I have not been very successful (yet, anyway) at stifling my emotional response.  I could use Your help with that.  Of course, and I don't want to use this as an excuse, You also responded angrily at quite a few points in the history of Your people when they were stupid, rebellious, defiant, and disrespectful to You.  Show me when and how, please, to release the anger.  In all things may I reflect You, Your love, Your character.  

Maranatha!  Come, Lord Jesus, and soon!

Long Obedience

 Abba, there are two things on my heart and mind this morning as I take advantage of this time when DH is away (ministering! a good thing). To start, I will just list them:

1. 
   The "long obedience" theme. I am trying to remember whether I have already read this book, but even if I did, it may be a good time to re-read it. The long waiting is paradoxically becoming harder--and easier.
2. The annoyance I feel almost constantly with DH. Just now, in my YouVersion devotional, the distinction between hearing and listening was outlined, and it made me laugh and it made me copy a quote. If I feel any one thing about DH, it is that he is NOT listening to me *if* he is hearing me. And I am the one with a hearing impairment! I will address this issue more deeply with You in another post soon. I am disappointed in myself for my irritation, and I am also discouraged and dispirited by the weakening of our relationship. I feel that his faith is superficial and that I cannot share my thoughts and feelings with him so that he won't undermine and attack them. But who am I to judge his faith? I am the one sitting here at home under indictment for poor behavior at work (unjustly, I believe, but still).

"If we define the nature of our lives by the mistake of the moment or the defeat of the hour or the boredom of the day, we will define it wrongly."  (Peterson, Long Obedience,)

Abba, I see a theme emerging. I need to *listen* and look at circumstances with discerning eyes to peer into the deeper, hidden-in-code meaning of those circumstances. And I need to remain obedient. Persevering over the long haul, no matter how long it seems or actually is. Eternity is at stake and eternity is in Your hand, as are the affairs of men and women and the whole world.

Thanks for this time. I will be back! 

The Unexpected

 "Not what I expected."  That may be the theme for this season of my life.  

Abba, this period of waiting continues to be hard.  Perhaps doing a bit of study on Paul's house arrest might encourage me (although I believe it ended in his execution under Nero!).  He was allowed to live at home, as I am, and he continued to preach and teach (well, I am teaching PreK-K) while guarded and restricted.  I thank You that the financial aspect of my "house arrest" is not uncertain.  

In the meantime, please show me how to best use this chapter for Your glory.  There remains a lot of work to do for the Kingdom, and I still have a few miles left in me.

1) Tue's relationship with You.  I recently listened to an interview with Russell Moore, editor at Christianity Today, who believes that "We've lost our credibility to the outside world" due to the influence of Trump and many right-wing conservative evangelicals.  I am concerned that Tue has been affected by this loss of credibility, assigning it to Jesus and not to the cult-following people who idolize Trump.  Help, Abba!  Help, Spirit!

2) Chris's immigration status/permanent legal residency.  I would love a wedding and a marriage!

3) The daughters.  Always.

4) The husband.  I don't understand him, and I continue to fear for him.

On to some tasks.  With all my love!