For Myself

Lamentations 1:1-2:22

My take-away: Lord, You get ANGRY when Your people turn away from You.  "He wove my sins into ropes to hitch me to a yoke of captivity." (1:14)  That is a powerful but disturbing word picture!  It is we who provide the Lord--You--with the materials to fashion our own bonds.  Conversely, of course, we cannot NOT sin, not without the help and empowerment of the Holy Spirit.  Whence comes Your anger, then, Lord?  From not having us turn to You and be in relationship, devotion, with You.  You do deserve all my worship (song!) and all my (pitiful) life (no bargain there) but You love to take things such as me and redeem them by recycling and renewing!  Do that with me, please?  I am on the edge of a new decade in my life, and I wonder about finishing strong and perhaps in a different direction.  And do whatever needs to be done about my sins.  I don't want to have them made into ropes to hold me in captivity.  

In Jesus's name~~Amen.  (Holy Spirit, do Your thing in my life!)

The Most Awful Thing

My Heavenly Father, how can anyone bear the pain of what the Hicks family is enduring right now--the accidental death of a little boy by the mistake of his father?  I cannot even begin to wrap my head and heart around this.  Please bring supernatural comfort to the parents and grandparents (and Aunt Amanda, who babysat for our daughters so many years ago) because that is the only kind of comfort that is possible.  Groanings...Holy Spirit, these prayers are indeed too deep for words.  Somehow, bring something out of this that will bring glory to You (cannot see how right now, though) and peace to the parents.  In Jesus's precious name, for the sake of that precious young life~~Amen.

I Know ...

"I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's what I'll find."

(Lord, my husband texted me, "Home by 8."  It's 6:54 p.m. now.  :)  This entry was started on vacation to the Pocono Mountains in Pennsylvania because on the drive he brought CDs, one of which was a Carpenters one with this song on it.)

 Sometimes You speak to me through songs, and this one hit me squarely between the eyes.  The church that we attend has been an enormous frustration to me over the years (as You know well).  The "love" that this song references is, to me, not the romantic love between a man and a woman but the love that I think You want me to have for the church.  I cannot honestly claim to love it.  I tolerate it; I serve You and the children there; I genuinely enjoy and appreciate the people with whom we serve; but "love" that church?  No.  It bothers me.  I sense a spirit of divisiveness, of division, or whatever You might call it.  One website calls it a spirit of "darkness and disharmony, that seeks to divide and tear apart."  Another site outlines a sermon on the spirit of division, citing two verses from 1 Corinthians~

 ^1:10 I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another in what you say and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought.

 ^3:3 You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere humans?

 Agreeing with one another *in what you say* means...what?  And what about "perfectly united in mind and thought"?  It seems humanly impossible to agree all the time and to be "perfectly" anything.  

And with regard to the message from the Holy Spirit about my needing to be in love with the church--show me how, dear God.  You see all of my (I almost said "our" but that is not personal enough) crap and sin and You love me.  How can I see crap and sin in the church and still love it?  "I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect [church]...and fool enough to think that's what I'll find."

Fool~interesting that such is the word that Paul uses in 1 Corinthians to challenge those who think they are wise.  May I become more foolish in my love for the church.  Amen!

 

Hard to Pray

This title is misleading, perhaps.  I don't really find it hard to pray; I find it hard to make the dedicated time to pray.  Life is busy, I get tired, and distractions attract my attention.  So here I am, and another part of the difficulty is prioritizing.  Intercession?  Worship?  Confession?  Oh, my.  It could take hours--and probably should.

The issue that drove me to this site today was the need to keep praying for my younger daughter teaching in a school in Philadelphia (in class at UPenn tonight).  I could have entered a prayer on her blog site, but then I realized that I want to pray for my older daughter, too.  Instead of switching between sites, I decided to use this blog.  Then I thought that it has been way too long since I intentionally prayed for my husband (who has his own site, too).  And then the crisis in the church...and as I sit here I can come up with other people about whom to pray as well (my mother, my sister, my nephew to sell his house, my brother-in-law and a possible MS diagnosis....).

Dear God, I want to be a woman of prayer.  I want to be intentional in my relationship with You.  I want to be someone who is close to You, who has Your ear, and who will intercede on behalf of my loved ones--and Yours.  So please bless my daughter Julie with protection (yes, selfish of me but I am a mother, after all) and inspiration and creativity and genuine love for her students.  Please bless my daughter Amy with wisdom and love and effectiveness as she invests herself into students who are intent upon serving You and reaching many people in the world for You.  Please bless my dear (sometimes "curious") husband with endurance, extra energy and cognitive flexibility to keep up with a demanding IT position, and a close relationship with You.  My mother--relief from the ever-present anxiety.  On and on....

And the church.  I don't even know how to pray in this situation.  I release my curiosity about the details, not wanting to be caught up in gossip.  I ask You to keep my focus on doing what You have called me to do and not being distracted by this extraneous issue (or issues).  Somehow, please glorify Yourself in this muddle.  Bless all the hurting souls that have been involved in this awful situation.

For now, Lord, that's all.  I will try to do this more often.  In Jesus's name~~Amen.

Focus on Me

That sounds so selfish, Lord, but the truth is that my recent prayers have focused on outside problems rather than the condition, the state, of my own heart.  If I don't stay in "condition" as an athlete or a soldier does, then I am not as useful to You as I want to be...and as I believe You want me to be.

So, dear God, where are my weaknesses?  What are the things that I need to address?  One rather obvious one is my "addiction" to games.  Another one is my sharp tongue.  My "unloving" heart needs fine-tuning; I have found it difficult if not impossible to be discerning in my assessments, which sometimes include accurate identification of another person's weaknesses (or a church's....), without sounding critical and judgmental.  Oh, to have Your heart!  (Be careful what I wish for!!  Your heart hurts a lot because it is so loving.)

In Jesus' name! 

"He's Been Waiting for You..."

"...to call on His name; so, come.  Come as you are."

Beautiful song, and a lovely call to prayer this morning.  It did not even come to me through my outer ears; the song was brought to my mind (by the Holy Spirit, I suspect) and this line was a direct communication from You, Lord!  

So, on Word I wrote out an entry that I will copy and paste here:
*********************************************************************************

HBC’s Trials

PRAY!!  These are times of testing and difficulty at the church.  I have not been a fan of this church for some time, but that will not stop me, Lord, from asking You to bless it.  I surrender my human desire (I almost said “need” but that would not be true) to figure it out and to know all the deep details.

So, God, what is the focus of this prayer?  Give me some Scripture for this?

1 Corinthians 1:10 - Now I beseech you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye all speak the same thing, and [that] there be no divisions among you; but [that] ye be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment. (KJV)

“It was morally impossible, considering the diversities of their educations and capacities, that they should all agree in opinion; nor could he intend that, because he does not urge any argument to reduce them to such an agreement, nor so much as declare what that one opinion was in which he would have them agree. The words must therefore express that peaceful and unanimous temper, which Christians of different opinions may and ought to maintain toward each other; which will do a much greater honour to the gospel, and to human nature, than the most perfect uniformity that can be imagined.” — Doddridge

In this case, since I do not know the exact nature or arguments surrounding the disagreements, I wish to focus on what I do know and on what I can do—love and serve.  I will continue to love the PEOPLE if not the “church” (or is that not possible?) and I will continue to work for the purpose of blessing the children and their families and most of all the Lord God.

However-----are You smiling, Lord?-----I will also ask, simply and humbly, that the Holy Spirit would bring us to the truth and would knit our hearts together in a beautiful tapestry, a weaving, of our differences to show the image of Jesus in these darks and lights, highs and lows.  There CAN be coexisting truths!  Is truth “situational?”  My example: my hypertriglyceridemia, others’ diabetes—fruit is good (truth) but for me and those others, it can be dangerous.  Or allergies—is there anything really “bad” about sesame (truth—no) but for one who has a life-threatening allergy, it is very bad.

Please be glorified, dearest God, during these stormy times at this church.  In Jesus’s name~~Amen.

*********************************************************************************

Prayer #2, but not in importance: Julie's work at Strawberry Mansion.  My first and maternal prayer is, of course, for her safety.  I also ask You, Lord, for encouragement for her.  This was a difficult first week.  She is not getting great or frequent supervision, and my supervisor's heart wants to help by sharing some of (what I hope is) the wisdom I have gained from my years of experience.  Refresh her this long weekend!  Maybe I can send an email outlining some of my ideas, noting that she can choose to ignore the whole thing, pick and choose what to consider, and never risk offending me by refusing any of my thoughts.  I will--I must, I suppose, with the tasks on our plate today--await the opportunity to put this missive together :) and I will trust that by asking You to negate the idea firmly and unmistakably if it is NOT according to Your will, You will communicate that clearly to me.  Thank You in advance!

On to serving You with Promotion Sunday tomorrow!  Thanks for "waiting for me."  With much love and devotion~in Jesus's name and always trying to follow the Holy Spirit's guidance~~Amen.

Very Funny!

So, dear Father God, "be careful...you might get what you pray for!"  I prayed for a job for Julie, and she got it.  "It" is a job in a very dangerous school.  ???  Oh, boy.  As my title says, "Very funny!"

But this is her passion.  I, of course, being the sinner that I am, shake a little with anxiety.  Why that one?  Well, You are teaching me what it was like for You to release Your Son into a very dangerous world--and You and He knew the ultimate outcome, which would be His death.

 First, then, let me thank You for providing for her.  She has a job, and a pretty decent one.  She also has a great principal to work for.  This experience will undoubtedly be a very profound one for her.

Secondly, let me intercede for her and for all the staff and students at that school.  Please keep them ALL safe in a treacherous neighborhood.  Those of us in the safe comfort of suburbia have no idea how draining it is to live in such a place.  Surround that school, and each of the brave people who works there, with a protective bubble, an armor if You will, and a whole fleet of angels to guard them better even than the officers who are assigned there.

Thirdly, let me partner with Julie and the school in prayer to change these young lives.  Your heart beats, and has always beat, for people.  You "so loved the world" one person at a time, and I know I need to keep that in the front of my mind.  It is all about You and all about the one that You wish to reach to bring into the fold of Your family, Your kingdom.

Again, thank You.  And may You get glory and may Jesus be exalted and may the Holy Spirit do wonderful and miraculous things at Strawberry Mansion over the next two years.  Amen--and Amen~!

Hope!!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles.  They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not be faint."  Isaiah 40:31

"Do you not know?  Have you not heard?  The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He will not grow tired or weary.  And His understanding no one can fathom.  He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."  Isaiah 40:28-29

"Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God" 2 Corinthians 3:5 ESV

"And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of His glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

Dearest Father God, your daughter and ours, Julie, is "0 for 9" in the interview department.  Please, please bring her to the right and divinely-appointed teaching job for her--perhaps even today, in the public school where she would so love to work and serve.  Give her confidence not in herself but in Your leading and Your direction, taking her on this path to the perfect position for her and for Your work in the youth of Philadelphia.  May she hear something quickly and promptly!  Let this experience of interviewing with this important person (and a woman) be affirming and encouraging for her.  In Jesus's name and for the sake of His work in that city and in Julie's life~~Amen.

2:43 p.m. Addendum: Romans 5:5 "And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

I prayed that the principal who is interviewing Julie would recognize the Holy Spirit, even if she (the principal) does not realize that it is He.  If she is going to continue doing the great work in that school that has been started, she will need the Spirit--and, hopefully, Julie.

Family Prayers Part 2

Lord, I guess I thought Kathryn was a bit farther along in her faith than she is.  Not a judgement; just a realization.  Please calm her anxieties about her son.  Not only is she a mother, which I totally get, but she is also a nurse, which makes this a bit harder for her.  Bless her, too.  In Jesus's name~~Amen.

Family Prayer

Dear God, it is a little bit of an honor to be asked to pray.  Family members seem to recognize that we believe in You and have a relationship with You.  My cousin Kathryn apparently asked, through my mother, that we pray for her son Michael's stage 2 melanoma.  And so, I pray.  I ask You not just for healing, but for a wake-up call that life is much more than we experience here on earth.  I ask that Michael looks more deeply into his life and his heart and sees his spiritual poverty--and then turns to You, the King of Kings and the One Who gave it all up for him.  Let this turn his eyes upon Jesus.  Let his experience be that of many in the Gospels: "Go.  Your faith has saved you."  And then, almost incidentally, you are physically healed, too.  In Jesus's name~~Amen.

A Little Time

I just read the devotional for "Nurturing Great Kids" on the Bible app on this computer.  :)  Proverbs 18:19 is the day's reading.  " A brother offended...."

I am relatively sure that this verse will come back to me sometime soon.  My Bible reading is like that.  But for today, I have something else on my mind.

http://www.nbcnews.com/id/23014798/ns/health-behavior/t/your-marriage-going-get-worse-study-says/#.VYs5IEYYFnk

Lord, I first went to Today's Christian Woman, and the article there seemed superficial and bland.  The article above was more helpful to me.  In essence, it summarizes what I am feeling: that DH's idiosyncrasies and "weirdnesses" are more annoying to me than they used to be.

I have taken, and am taking, an emotional beating this year.   Job satisfaction and appreciation in my profession are at a low.  I am not as "good" as I once believed I was.  There have been a lot of criticisms this year.

And I am feeling it.

So do these two things connect?  I will leave that question open and I await Your answer.  I really will await it.  I will be alert to those messages that busy-ness may otherwise cause me to miss.

And I need to finish now because DH will be home in a very few minutes.

Help, Lord.  I don't like the way I have become.

Contemplating Change

When I stop to pray, dear Father, I almost always find my mind believing that whatever ELSE comes into my head is more urgent than prayer.  What a lie.  I just went hunting for my resume, which I was told was NOT a requirement for today, instead of staying here with You.

So, first, let me thank You for a splendid, spectacular day for the girls' graduation party.  It seemed like it included the entire wide span of ages well.  Most significantly, You appeared to divert the rain and thunderstorms that were clearly forecast for that day.  Until the day before, it looked like a wet party.  You are gracious in even the small and seemingly unimportant details of our lives--a party??--and we need (I need) to trust You in the big ones.

And perhaps this change that I am contemplating is one of those big ones.  I am tired of DMH and WRCH.  I feel useless, hopeless, and very much unappreciated (maybe not so much that last one, but I may need to deal with that issue separately).  I don't feel that the gifts of psychological healing that You seem to have given to me are being used most effectively.  I feel that I am fighting powers of darkness--oh my, what did I just say?--and I am not winning.  

Or are we?

Nevertheless, I look at this opportunity to take a different path as an exploration arranged by You.  I hope that is accurate.  Here I am at the cusp of my 59th birthday.  I have long planned to do more private practice in my later years, and the landscape of private practice has changed enough that being in a group practice with prescribing psychiatrists and team backup is wise.  

Lord God, You know that I want to be where You direct.  This foray into a new possibility may be nothing more than confirmation that I need to stay put, or it may be the next step in my professional life and ministry for You.  I don't know how to prepare.  I will leave to You (the Holy Spirit) to put the words in my mouth that are appropriate for the moment.  I will leave the outcome in Your hands.  I--no, You--are the focus of this endeavor, and may You be glorified even with people of different cultures and backgrounds in that practice.

May Your will be done and may You be lifted up and glorified.  In Jesus's name~~Amen.

Top Secret

Lord God, I am becoming either very irritable OR irritated by my husband.  I will try to outline the issues at a later time, but in this post I am confessing.  It has been very hard.  I don't know whether he is just making stupid decisions lately or whether he is losing some of his mental sharpness and speed or whether I am the one at fault.  It isn't pretty.  Please, please help me.  How to react or respond in a loving manner and not be obsequious or blindly accepting of certain choices and behaviors is the challenge, I think.  It would likely get old to be wrong most of the time.  For me to have to be so emphatic in order to have him take me seriously is--the word for the first day of our New York graduation trip--disrespectful.  I don't want to be that way!  It seems, however, that making my point in any less forceful way is impossible.  In the language of deafness, his threshold of hearing is pretty high.

In Jesus's name, please make my marriage stronger!  Amen.

Mixed Day

Lord, I started to write about today, but it was too upsetting.  I get lots of positive praise from the patients, and then I get a really accusatory email--actually, several--from the director of social work about not telling her about discharges that were not even 24 hours "old."  

So, I am just going to go to bed.  If it is time for me to leave DMH, would You make a way?  

In Jesus's name~~Amen.

Strange

Is it strange, Lord, that the prospect of prayer seems daunting?  In much the same way as a to-do list can be so intimidating that I cannot even do one thing, sometimes considering prayer has the same effect.  "I'm not doing the most important thing" or "I have so much to pray about; how am I to choose what is most effective?"

So, most times, even if I do pray, I feel that it is, and I am, inadequate.  Teach me to pray, Jesus! "Our Father"...ah, great place to start.  Father!  Not by first birth, but by being born again, by second birth.  Some would say by adoption.  In my Facebook feed today, a woman who has adopted a girl from China wrote about "Gotcha Day."  What a great title for a special occasion.  You "got" me.  For better or for worse, maybe more truly for better AND for worse.  I can be a difficult "child."

Well, one thing I definitely want to pray about is the killing of my Christian brothers (not too many sisters are making the news) by ISIS.  It chills my heart and makes me cry out in distress.  Lord, is there nothing that can stop them?  (I almost wrote "these maniacs?")  They truly believe that they are bringing about faithfulness to ... Allah?  God?  A better way of life?  How deluded!  Or are we Westerners more deluded by our comfortable and tolerant lives, and philosophies, and social culture?  There are times, I admit, that I respect the moral code that Muslims embrace--that is, until I read about their taking heathen women as sex slaves.  Where does that fit in?  Or how does killing "people of the Cross" further Islam?  Somehow, they believe that purging the world of "infidels" is honoring to the god of their religion.  To me, honestly and in the privacy of this journal, it sounds like the god of their religion is a god who celebrates death and violence and power, not life and love and welcome.

So, dear Father, have mercy on Your other children who are in the way of harm and who are still attempting to remain faithful in the face of this threatening persecution.  When I think ....

(Hubby came home suddenly and I didn't finish this post!)

One Yes, One Not Yet

Ahh, dear God, I am anxious.  It is hard to wait for Your response about Amy's job.  My heart wants Messiah for a number of (what I think are) good reasons.  :)  Some of those good reasons have to do with family relationships: her sister Julie's proximity in Philadelphia, her grandmother's desire to have her as close as possible (the other options are South Carolina and Iowa), and her father's similar desire to have her close.  I am trying to be open-minded and open-handed about Your will.  I don't know how well I am succeeding.  So, what do I really want to ask You?

• May Your will be done, first, last, and in between.
• Would You see fit to have her at Messiah?  She reported that it is, perhaps, the "best" of the schools insofar as student development, residential life, and institutional health are concerned.  She also reported, however, that there will be more discipline problems there than at the other two schools.
• We value family relationships!  At least on my side of the family, and also, if to a slightly lesser degree, on George's.  For my mother's sake, would You answer her prayer for Amy to be in Pennsylvania?  I don't know whether Grandma would get down to PA, but it would certainly be easier for Amy to come "home" for holidays and breaks to bless her grandmother.
• You know that I sometimes worry about Julie's lack of Christian fellowship.  Having Amy only two hours away, and having the possibility of their spending some time together, would be one way that Julie could be in touch with a strong and Godly and amazing woman--her sister.  So, for Julie's sake, would You put Amy at Messiah?

I would be all right traveling to and visiting Iowa.  :)  Anderson in South Carolina is not as healthy a school as the other two colleges/universities, but I wondered about its proximity to Atlanta.

No matter what, dear God, thank You for the encouragement that these on-campus interviews have been to my daughter.  We surrender to Your will and Your calling on her life.  In Jesus's name~~Amen.

PS  The "one yes" is Julie's apartment lease.  Thank You!  I am relieved.

One More Hour

I have craved these alone times, Lord.  I don't want them to last forever; I just need one day every so often, maybe monthly, when I don't have someone -- read "husband" -- looking over my shoulder.  I need the time alone to write, pray, be honest, and be randomly productive.  :) 


Prayer for Julie's apartment search: near success!  I don't want to give up praying, because the inked signature is not on the contract yet.  Lord, please guard that apartment for Julie.  It sounds perfect, especially since both she and we are impressed by it.  :)  And please provide everything she needs to live there.  It is going to take a fair amount of effort no matter where she moves.

Prayer for Amy's job search: two down, one to go.  Please lead her and guide her in the path that You have charted for her.  Give her discernment about the right place for her, where she can be best used by You, without regard for the distance.  We will handle that by Your provision and grace!  Provide her with wisdom and with everything that she will need to make her home there.

Lord, I ask all of this in Your name, for the Father's glory, and in the power and heart of the Holy Spirit~~Amen!

Woe to You...!

Good morning, dearest God.  I have been trying with moderate success to keep up with my Lenten Bible reading plan.  I think it was Monday, when I was driving to the North Shore to visit a group home and day program for a patient, that I was listening on the road.  "Woe to you, scribes, Pharisees, and hypocrites!"

Scribes struck me as funny since the "scribe" role at work on the treatment team is an impossible job for me to do with my impaired hearing.  It is also a role not well embraced by anyone, really.  Woe, indeed!

Then the hypocrites struck me hard.  I have continued to struggle--why?--with the confusing and diminished responsibilities and respect I encounter at work.  This week an offer for an early retirement incentive for non-direct-care state employees was floated.  Oh, did my heart leap!  If this were to be extended to me, I would take it.  My only small grief concerns the patients.  Otherwise, I would be outta there.  (But then there are the random compliments and appreciations that confuse me!)

Which brings me to a pleading prayer...show me if this is what You are directing me to do, God.  Father!  Lord and Beloved Friend.  I do NOT want to do anything rash or thoughtless and I definitely do NOT want to displease You.  I could envision jobs that I could do that would bless many and hopefully work more effectively for Your kingdom.  Please reveal to me what Your plan is.  I admit to coveting and lusting for this release, but I will persevere for Your sake.

Distraction, but a Godly one, I think--and on a few levels:  Went to look for the verses that KM, a patient at work, vaguely referenced last week.  I recalled the verses from James 1, but those from Romans 5 might be better.  Not only for her~~~

                  Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.  (James 1:2-4 NASB)

                  Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.  (Romans 5:3-5 ESV)

Not to mention the Bible Gateway Verse of the Day:
  
Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! (Psalm 139:23-24 ESV)

I think I hear You, Lord.

Tiffany and Her Dad

Lord, Tiffany is so worried about her dad, who lives in Vermont and at least to my mind has a serious dual-disorder of substance abuse and mental illness.  Please intervene.  It causes her a lot of understandable anxiety, and she is powerless to do anything.  (Unfortunately, the system may be powerless to anything, either.)  But You are not powerless.  I know that You will never force Yourself on anyone, but please pester him and the people who need to step in to help him.  In Jesus's name~~Amen.
And PS~Please assure Tiffany that You are on the job.  Put her mind and her heart at rest with the Philippians 4 "peace that passes all understanding."  Again~Amen.

Lia

I am always honored when people ask for prayer, Lord, and I try to commit something to (in this case) cyber-writing so that I can say in truth that I have prayed.  Please comfort Lia and Manny in the loss, or the pending loss, of their pet dog.  Our fur-kids become so dear to us.  Thank You that they are people of faith and that their lives reflect service to others.  Make this parting easy, although any death brings a degree of pain to the loved ones left behind.  In Jesus's name~~Amen.

Fifteen

Lord God, I have NO idea why the number 15 sticks in my head.  I would like to enumerate 15 things that I want to bring into our conversation this morning.  I think I won't have any trouble getting to that number, and beyond. 

1. Lent: I want to do something memorable and meaningful for Lent this year (and, truth be told, every year).  What would You like?  (I almost said, "What would You suggest," but that would ot give You the respect that You deserve.)
2.  My dear, "curious" husband George; He just has to go to the Bahamas to see his brother this winter.  I am not certain whether the push is to go to the Bahamas, to get out of this snowy, stormy, winter in New England, or to see his only bro.  He admitted that part of his push to retire early is his fear that he, like his father and his grandfather, will die at a relatively young age.  Serious thoughts.  Is there something I need to do, under Your direction, to encourage him?
3.  My first: Amy and her job search and finishing graduate school.  And leading that trip to Mexico.  And, as I have for many years, essentially since her birth, her (possible, by Your will) future husband.
4.  My second: Julie and her finishing undergraduate school and her future job in inner-city Philadelphia.  That "inner-city" stuff strikes fear into my heart, which is of course indicative that I am not trusting You to direct her and protect her.  I do, Lord.  Please help her in particular to find an affordable and safe place to live--not in that order--and preferably by herself, at her own request.  And more than all of that, please keep her (or draw her) close to You.  She is disgusted with some of the modern church.  I was thinking "people, practices, arrogance, snobbiness, failure to reach out, failure to understand" but it is really all of the above.
5.  My mother: I will write about her in another place.
6.  Heritage: so frustrating!  I am not at all sure how to deal with this, and I definitely, more than ever, need You to bridle my tongue.  I could use a God-sized infusion of wisdom, too.  "Finesse...."  That comes from work, but it has never been my strong suit in any area of my life.
7.  Interpersonal relationships and friendships:  Horrible.  Again, as I look back over my life, this area has never been an area of strength.  I may need a bit of focus on this in my time with You.  I sometimes recall that You had people who adored You--and some who hated You.  Not sure what to make of that when it comes to Your being my example!  ;)
8.  More sins: Sarcasm...
9.  Judgmentalism...
10.  Laziness
11.  Disorganization...
12.  (Getting to 15!)  PRIDE, my worst...
13.  Carelessness with money...
14.  Failure to keep the 1st commandment 1st...
15.  Failure to keep the Sabbath?

 That "Sabbath" sin is a tough one.  "For the Son of Man is Lord of the Sabbath."  Matthew 12:8  This, in the context of Jesus's plucking grain to feed His disciples....  I will try much harder, Lord, to "keep the Sabbath holy."


This darned cat is demanding my attention.  I will go play with her for a bit.  Later, Lord--please keep me to that promise.
 

Struggling at Work

About time I prayed about this, God.  I am growing--no, I think I already dislike, perhaps even hate, work.  The weird thing is that I love working with the patients.  And, humbly (!), I think I may be pretty good at what I do with them.

But since I did not get promoted, I have been bitter.  There.  I have said it.  And the craziest part of that is my dislike and even disgust at the responsibilities (if that is the correct term for the job duties) that a "D" has.  I get frustrated, even old-ladyish, at the silliness of the social workers who ... don't like me?  I get the sense that those who interviewed me are avoiding me.  With the exception of Tom (who, by the way, did not interview me), I don't think any of the Ds have said more than a dozen words to me at any time since the interview.  It sticks in my mind that Jackie completely ignored a scheduled supervision session with me when she is usually so particular about appointments and meetings--and I was parading right outside of the office where she was talking, and I was making a good bit of noise.

So no wonder, I guess, that I have decathected (haha) from work.  If I got another job at the same or higher salary, with similar benefits, I would take it instantly.  Retirement is not far from my mind most times.  I complain a lot.  I get angry at the unfair treatment of the patients.

And I recall Jack's accidental teaching on "nunc  dimitis."  At the time, I thought it referred to church--and perhaps it does.  But more and more, I wonder if it referred to work.  I am dismissed?  Am I dismissed?

But, Lord, You do say that "Whatever [I] do, work at it with all [my] heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.":Colossians 3:23  Please make it so.  I can't.

In Jesus's name~Amen.

Hi, Lord

Yes, I am tired.  No excuse, though, for not spending a little time with You!

Sometimes I think that a "Quiet Time" or "devotions" means making a prayer list, as if it were a to-do list for You.  And I fear that many people treat prayer like that.  What I want, dear God, is to use these times to listen, to learn, to let You let me get to know You better.  What makes Your heart beat?  "Break my heart for what breaks Yours."  And help my heart to beat in synchrony with Yours.

Oh, Psalm 1:1-3 captures it.  How blessed...  am I.  Help me to be like that blessed man. Please draw me away from the counsel of the wicked, and direct my steps away from the path of sinners.  May I not sit in the seat of scoffers.  (What would that mean, anyway?)  Make me like that tree, firmly planted and fruitful.  Water me with the living waters from You.  May my leaf not wither, and may I prosper, not for myself but to bring glory to You and You to the world.  In Jesus's name~~Amen.

Ten Short Minutes

Not enough by a long shot, Lord.  But something.  And I have believed more lately than earlier in my life that something is far better than nothing at all.

This one should go under the Tricia's Trivia blog, but I just wrote about the confirmation about prayer in Julie's Guyana trip examples.  Did prayer help those New England Patriots win last week?  Two come-from-behind examples with the capstone of the win.  Exhausting emotionally, and yes, spiritually.  Why on earth did it matter so much to me?  I had to open my hands, literally, and surrender my deep desire for them to win.  And then they won.

It does not feel as intense, Lord, this week.  Perhaps I was just wrung out of most of the fan emotion last week and I have not replenished.  However, it would be delightful, and again symbolic, for the Patriots to come out on top in this AFC Championship.  It would be even nicer since Julie is home this weekend and she and her father so bond over football.  It is NOT great that Amy is in Indiana, where the "enemy" resides.  Protect her!  I don't think she is in any physical danger, but emotionally and socially it might be a tough ride whether the Pats win--or lose.  (It might make it a little easier for her to be gracious if they win, though?)  So, please let them win!

My verses to memorize, in reflection on my prayers for my daughters (and, for that matter, my husband): Psalm 91:9-12

9  Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place--the Most High, who is my refuge--

10  no evil shall be allowed to befall you, no plague come near your tent.

11  For He will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways

12  On their hands they will bear you up, lest you strike your foot against a stone.

Amen and amen!!

Various and Sundry

Lord, those dang Patriots!!  I get so anxious about them!  So I decided on the way home tonight to commit them and the next game to You in prayer.  I don't really know how to pray for a football team.  Do I pray that they win?  I'd like that, of course!  I pray that they play well.  That they do their best.  As the posts all over Facebook say, that they would each "do their job" and be a shining example that it is not just a superstar in any position but the sum of all the parts that brings success.  I do ask that You protect everyone from injury--even the Ravens--and it just seems symbolically fitting in this difficult season of world history that Patriots and patriotism be honored.  Not the kind of patriotism of the fanatical and extremist religious terrorists, but a faithfulness to a collective entity that upholds peace and respect and fair play.  So--Could they win?  :)

Martha from work: She is going to be out for 5-6 weeks, which sounds a lot like recovery from surgery.  She seems to have some faith in You, Lord.  Whether or not, though, would You bless her during this time?  Her "irreverence" is charming at times, maybe annoying at a few, but I will miss her and it.

Stephen from work: Prostate cancer.  Having surgery sometime next week.  Avoiding me, I think.  Oh, well, no matter--would You bless him, too?  He has two sons who still need him around.  Give him grace and relief from anxiety.   Take that cancer totally out of his body, please, and don't allow it to come back.

All for the sake of the name of Jesus, and in His name!  Amen.