True to My Word

So, Lord, after telling my client about my journaling my “devotions,” I thought I really should do some.  I told the family that I had two “appointments,” and one of them is with You!

What is on Your heart to tell me today, dear One?  It was a tired day.  I had a lot of trouble staying awake and alert.  I also had a lot of trouble not eating candy—partly because I had a lot of trouble staying awake and alert.

I texted Pastor Tim but did not get a response yet.  It was a simple text.  “How’d it go Sunday?”  Is he away at camp this week?

I have a LOT of memory verses to rehearse and practice and test.  If I do two a day, I will catch up soon and won’t treat it like a chore.

God, I am very tired.  I want to get Amy’s medication sent to her in Indiana; so, I should go.  I love You even when I don’t have much to say!

Bless Her, Indeed!

Ahhh.  It is 9:24 a.m. and here I am, Lord!  Later than I had hoped, but I am keeping this “appointment” with you here in my office on Sever Street.  I have SO little time to spend in devoted, undistracted time with You.  (Not complaining—more confessing.)  So, let me get to the most pressing issue on my heart today: my younger daughter going to Morocco in just 5 days.

How do I feel about this trip?  It’s a funny mix of emotions.  I admit to a bit of fear and anxiety, and I wished (yes, past tense) that she would have gone to Eastern Europe instead.  However, I also think this is an adventure of a lifetime.  I am excited for her!  She has such a lot to do before Thursday, and I would please ask Your assistance to get it all done.  Sometimes she is not organized with regard to timing.  (I wonder if she inherited that from her father.  Haha!)  We need a couple of specific acts of grace from You: she needs her World Health Organization form signed before she leaves, and … okay, now I forget.  Oh, yeah.  She needs her contacts for 15 weeks.  Oy.  Grace, dear understanding Father.  Please?

Moreover, please pursue her during this time away from a lot of Christian fellowship.  I know, I am sometimes too arrogant about the weaknesses in many of my Christian family members.  Maybe even more than “sometimes.”  The sin of pride, right?  L  Well, I digress.  My prayer/desire/request for Julie is this: that her relationship with You might be strengthened and deepened during this time away, a relatively solitary and individual time for her faith.  Of course, humanly and maternally I ask for safety for her.  (I wonder what Your mother must have gone through, releasing You to danger and death.  I feel for her!)

And now, what?  It’s 9:49 a.m., and I expect my client in 10 minutes.  Bless her, too.  That’s an entry for another page.  J

I love You more than anyone else, and not enough, at the same time. 

In Jesus’s name~~Amen.

PS  Scott Hassett and Gail, Shayna, and the other daughter whose name I don’t think I ever put in my memory—Scott is dying of pancreatic cancer, and likely soon.  Do You remember Andrew, the Angel of Death from Touched By An Angel?  (Of course You do.)  They could use some angels to bring comfort, humor, and grace during Scott’s homegoing.  Make it wonderful, as wonderful as the death of a loved one can be, please?

My "Session" with You

I am treating some time with You, Lord, as an appointment; so, when hubby asks how many "clients" I have, I add one to compensate for documentation time and my "session" with You.  You, however, are the Wonderful Counselor and I am Your client.  :)

So, what are You working on with me?  What is Your treatment plan for me?  In the last post, I talked about digging deeply into some of my nastier characteristics.  Yesterday, I was again confronted with my pulling-away from intimacy with my husband.  I no longer wish to share with him about my thoughts and feelings and experiences.  I am not entirely certain that we value many of the same things.  He wants to retire; I want to keep working and serving and ministering.  I would jump at the chance to bring Jovan, or some other youngster in need, into our home; he grimaces.  I talk about landscaping our sloped yard to be more hospitable and user-friendly; he mocks this idea.  Things around the house--toilet, kitchen switchplate to name only two--are falling apart, and he says he is going to work outside today, or picks up every book to put it back on the bookshelf in his newly-decorated office.

So, yes, I am complaining.  Not pretty or attractive, and I am not proud of it.

(PS PLEASE bring Patches, the cat, back to my mother!)

I do not feel understood by him--husband, not Patches.  :)  I won't--note the defiance in that word choice!!--tell him anything about work anymore.  When I had ranted about work, of course putting myself in the best and smartest light, he made a degrading comment about my always being right.  Sting!  I don't feel that I can share compliments that I receive.

Okay, I better stop.  I am in a public place, and my eyes are tearing up.

I am trying to get through the book Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands.  Some of it, even much of it, is challenging to me, because while it acknowledges the roles of biology and trauma and relationships with others who are sinful and imperfect, it also places responsibility for sinful reactions squarely on the "victim."  Eeee.  No real justification!  What this means for me is confusing, and I get myself caught in a Catch-22 circular argument.

(It got too deep and too threatening.  I just checked Facebook and email.)

Lord, help me, please.  I don't want a bad relationship with my husband.  It's not frankly adversarial or conflictual.  In very many ways, it is a good marriage.  You, however, are my closest friend.  Maybe that's how it is supposed to be.  He cannot understand me very well, for any number of possible, probable, and pointed reasons.  If I "need" to be understood, then I come to You.  Help me to take more risks, not willy-nilly, but wisely, with respect to sharing some parts of me.

Tears in the eyes again.  I think I will end now.  When will be our next session?  :)

Love~~in Jesus's name, Amen.

Digging Deep

(I wish I had a computer at the ready every time I thought of a title for a prayer post.)

This post is a difficult one to write, Lord.  I am trying to confront my terrible-ness without blaming anyone else for my sin.  It's harder than I thought it would be.  In the effort to be brutally honest, I am not pleased with myself and consequently withdraw into isolation.  What is even worse, I suspect, is that I withdraw from relationships (You know which one, mostly) that are supposed to be my best and deepest connections.

So, how do I start this attempt?  To recall one of the more painful recent events, I go back to DH's birthday.  Through my own disorganization--and it is necessary both to say that and to emphasize that--he found the receipt for the gift that I really wanted to be a surprise for him.  I was hurt, and I was angry--no, not angry as much as annoyed--and I was VERY disappointed.  I withdrew.  I am still withdrawn.  I wanted to blame him for not having the graciousness to pretend to be surprised (<very slight smile/grimace>), but I am trying not to blame him.  It was my own fault.

Back some time ago, I also vowed that I would not share anything about work with him.  I get annoyed with his lack of compassion.  I also got upset when he challenged my presentation of stories that "always" described me in the right.  I know that I am a powerful debater, and I also know that I become impatient with others who do not see things my way.  Pure and simple, that is pride.

(Distraction: I thought I would try to download a Bible onto my computer.  Nope.  Guess I am supposed to keep at this.)

I am struggling to reveal many things to my DH.  He, to my knowledge, does not know about one of my prescriptions for cream.  I did not tell him about the computer that *I* purchased last year, or about the Notes 444 program that I bought to keep client notes.  I am considering a separate account for my private practice.  I did not tell him when I applied to the VA (and by the way, dear God, thank You for saving me from that fiasco.)   In the back of my mind, I recognize the signs of pulling away and living an independent life.

On our trip abroad, I was so short-tempered with him that even our daughter spoke up in distress about it.  To be completely fair, I have noted both of them becoming slightly perplexed by some of his responses lately in much the same way that I do, and did, but that is NOT an excuse for my poor behavior.

I saw this same pattern of interaction between my mother and my Alzheimer's stepfather.  I have wondered.  Is it typical of marriages, even "good" Godly/Christian marriages, for the wife to have her private strengths that sometimes override the husband's imperfections?  It was true for Abigail and Nabal, or at least I see it that way.  I feel like I want to go back and listen to the recent sermon that was preached at our church about that relationship.

Okay, I know I digress.  This is not easy.  I don't like doing this.  "I was wrong."  I recall a distant past attempt to apologize and take responsibility that was handled (by the other person) so ham-handedly that it still stings and causes me to be reluctant to say those words to certain people.  But I can say them to You.  I was wrong.  I am wrong.  I am so sorry for not trusting You to protect, or not protect, me according to Your will.   This is not about my comfort, but about my development.

Last week in my Building Self Esteem Group I focused on passions and calling.  The material that I shared revealed something to me: that I am most alive at work, in children's ministry, and not so much in certain relationships that I would have thought would be affirming and empowering.  Ouch.  Even when I have a prayer time, it is not at home with DH in the house.  I am freer here, at Barnes and Noble, to write and pray.  I would not dream of sharing these posts with him!  OMG!!  Pretty sure he would not understand.

I need to wrap up soon, dear God.  I know this wasn't a good attempt, but I hope You recognize that it was an attempt.  To recognize sin and not to be judgmental about it is really a tenuous balancing act.  Even truer may be the challenge not to be defensive and rationalizing about it, when it is my own sin.

In my very imperfect way, I love You.  I want to love You more, better, and more deeply.  Help me.  In Jesus's name~~Amen.