Gracefully Broken

 Abba, this song had me in full-on tears this morning.  I am so broken.  My identity as a social worker has been ripped out of the fabric of my self-esteem.  

"Here I am, God, arms wide open/Pouring out my life/Gracefully broken."

I am not sure about the graceful adjective.   That doesn't describe me very well.  Of course, if You pour Your grace into me until I am filled, then that would make me "grace-full."  Where is my leak?  It feels like I lose some grace somewhere in a subtle and hard-to-discern puncture or tear in my protective wall.  (Here I sit at the Toyota dealership getting my tire, which is losing air pressure, diagnosed.  This motif is on my mind.)

Plug the leak in me, Holy Spirit.  Sometimes such surgical repair is painful but beneficial.  I consent to the procedure!  (Maybe what is happening now is the procedure.  Keep my character and my heart under Your control, please.)

Unexpected Turns

 I considered what to write about here, Abba Father, and I leaned toward taking an idea from my YouVersion devotional Bold and Brave: Women of Welcome.  This was the first sentence:

"Trusting God can be difficult, expecially when life has taken an unexpected turn."

Oh, yes.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick.  Proverbs 13:12 is one of the verses accompanying today's reading.  Truthfully (always!), I am not sure anymore that I "hope" to return to work.  I have enjoyed many parts of this time off.  I probably needed it.  The uncertainty of the resolution does wear on me, and I think it wears on DH as well.  

One of the next challenges I will face will be the explanation of this leave.  I hesitate to tell the story partly

because I am aware of every storyteller's bias--to make him or herself blameless.  It would help if I, like Jesus, could unequivocally claim to be blameless!  

Unexpected turns.  I would not have expected this one.  But You are faithful, You are good, You hold and know the future.  I will put my little hand in Your big one and trust You.  And I will move forward.

In Jesus's name and with love~~Amen. 

Faith for an Unknown Future

 "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."  Corrie ten Boom, unknown date.

Hello, Father Abba.  At this point, on November 13, it has been over 15 weeks of "administrative leave."  This was most certainly an unknown future and may continue to be.  But I know You!  I know You not as well as I want to or as I need to, but I am on the way.  Even in not knowing when Corrie said the quote above--before or after the most horrible things happened to her--I am practicing that trust in knowing You.  

In reality, none of us knows the future, making it by definition unknown.  I hear many people saying, "I don't know what/where/when/who...." and I often answer them by noting that no one knows those answers.  (I could stop doing that.)  I suspect that I am encountering the weak faith of many people.  My own faith is not that strong; however, I may have matured to the point where I have enough faith, just enough, to accept that there are many things I don't know.

• I don't know if Tue and his parents are coming this weekend.
• I don't know when I might return to work.
• I don't know what the outcome of the administrative leave will be.
• I don't know what DH's cardiology appointment will reveal.
• I don't know.....

But I know You!

Not everything that will happen to me will be good.  Not everything that will happen in the world or is happening in the world is good.  But I know that You are good.  In that sure and certain knowledge I put my faith for my own unknown future.

Faithful to Protect ME

I rather like it when Your messages to me are reinforced and repeated in different areas of my life.  <Smile>  In Sunday School with the little kids, the "big idea" was "God protects me."  We played around with several ways the children might feel the need to be protected, some of which they might not yet even understand.  (Vaccinations or "shots," police and firefighters who are best known to the children *before* they are needed, parents--of course!--and loving relatives, and too many more to list.)

But this verse speaks to my heart today.  *I* need to be protected from the evil one.  The evil one is after me in both overt and covert ways.  Earlier today, my DH expressed annoyance (at the best end of the spectrum) at the LENGTHY time period with no resolution of my administrative leave.  I am discouraged if not annoyed myself.  Abba, here is the sneakiest way that the evil one attacks me and the area in which I need the most protection: loss of FAITH in You.  In other words, my own faithlessness.

So I will remember (with needed reminders from time to time) that You, Lord, are faithful,  You will strengthen me, and You will protect me from the evil one.  You *are* protecting me from the evil one.  Please hold up my flagging faith when I falter.  

You are always faithful.  You are always good.

Faithful: The Very Definition

  According to Merriam Webster, You, our God, are the dictionary definition of faithful:

"Steadfast in affection or allegiance; loyal; firm in adherence to promises or in observance of duty; conscientious."

The only thing that is, perhaps, not exactly correct in this definition has to do with the idea of "duty" attached to You.  I have a hard time pondering what duties You have, or even Who assigned them to You.  

But Merriam Webster may come to the rescue!  The second definition is the only one that seems to represent Your character:

"Obligatory tasks, conduct, service, or functions that arise from One's position (as in life or in a group)"

That's YOU! Because of Your position as God, Jehovah, Adonai, all those names, You are obliged to be Yourself in all the work, promises, and love that make up Who You are.

And You are faithful.  Completely, unfailingly, perfectly faithful.

And I am so very thankful for it and for You.

Faithful God

 

Faithful God, I *can* always trust the wisdom of Your ways. I must confess that I often don't understand Your ways. I don't mean to be doubtful about this 3-month leave and the silence regarding the resolution that was promised sometime during the first week of September ("within two weeks" of the hearing date of August 24). Here I am, two months out from that promised decision, and the only thing I know is that "the situation is complicated."  I am grateful that I continue to receive my full salary, that I can continue to volunteer and donate platelets and even take care of various house projects that have been neglected for months if not years.  

You have never done things in an easily understandable way, though, have You? Most of the stories that I see in Scripture, both Old and New Testaments, are filled with plot twists and unexpected developments. Something You (Jesus) said to your disciples/apostles about how many times it would take for them to believe You just came to my mind. "How long shall I put up with you?"  (Luke 9)  Indeed.  God, loving and wise God, You *always* know the end of the story and the path to that end. Sometimes the "end" may not be what I would call good, and in those times my own faith in Your faithfulness wavers. (Think Mosaic's closing, for example.)  What is the Lauren Daigle song that says "When You don't give the answers/As I cry out to You, I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You."

I *will* trust in You.  With gratitude. With confidence in Your love for me. With (not enough!) love in my heart for You.