Tears for Tue's Salvation

 Father God, because Jesus told me to pray "Our Father," I wanted to "put a pin" in today's experience, which I believe came from You.  

The Journey had baptisms today. And I bawled. Even right now, tears have come to my eyes. I had an overwhelming "vision" that someday I would see Tue's baptism.  

Father, time is so short. I know that You are patient, not wanting any to perish but wanting all to come to repentance. (Where is that verse? I can remember what You say but not always where You say it.)

Got it!

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.  (2 Peter 3:9)

Please, Father God,  I am one of the "some" who see slowness in Your patience, but I cannot wish for You to be less slow when it comes to bringing Tue "to repentance." And thank you for the class today with the first through third graders and the wonderful questions and discussion that the baptism service provoked. So no, I won't be impatient.

But could You hurry, just a little, with Tue and these kids? Time is so short.

Grace All Around

My year of GRACE is winding down, but it is far from over yet.  By the notes on my phone's calendar, it is late in the 46th week of this 52-week year.  There have been several themes of grace that have caught my attention this year:

• Sufficient grace
• Amazing grace
• Grace and peace
• The grace of God
• Grace and knowledge (of our Lord Jesus Christ)
• Grace that is greater than all our sin
• Grace and truth
• Saving grace
• Abounding grace
• Glorious grace....

...and so on.  Lots of grace, especially in Paul's writings--and experience.  There were also more than a few times where "grace" was a verb, implying an action of grace.  I like that.

I am at the Toyota dealership for maintenance, and I admit to a lot of distraction, Lord.  Thank You for being gracious to me.

Good, Better, and Best

 Hi and good morning, God.  Not to become too familiar with You--but to become SO familiar with You, in another sense of the word!--I never want to lose the sense of awe and worship of Your greatness, holiness, and grace.  That's when I recede into the background and don't feel worthy of taking up Your time and attention.  But that is the grace; You welcome me into that place of familiarity with Royalty.  You.  And there are tears, always tears.  Even mow.

Thank You for sparing Amy and Chris on that turbulent flight through a tornado zone last night.  Thank You for guiding Tue's surgeons as they repair his ankle and sustaining Julie through hunger, waiting, and serving Tue.  Thank You for the slow and incremental progress in keeping my sarcastic snarkiness from my words to DH.  I have not yet refrained from them all, but I have noticed some slight improvement.

As I have puttered around the house this morning, doing little things here and there and finding more little and not-so-little things here and there (and everywhere), I found myself stuck on figuring out how to choose what is most important for the moment.  That is when I realized that my time to be with You in this place was slipping away from me.  DH is at the Men's Breakfast at church and will probably be coming home in 20-30 minutes.  The dog is outside hunting chipmunks; he and I have had breakfast; I have made some progress on cleaning off a horizontal desk surface in Julie's room (not total, but noticeable).  I am thinking ahead to -- gasp! -- less than three weeks until Thanksgiving!  It will be harder to plan for unknowable arrangements since Tue's recovery has just started; he and Julie may or may not be able to get here for the holiday.  But we will do everything in our power and ask for Your power to get them to NYC for Julie's birthday!

In the meantime, sweet God, what is most important for me to do to serve You today?

• I have a client at 11:30 a.m.
• I need to prepare to teach the PreK-K class (the ones I call the "Littles") tomorrow.
• I need to ... this might be less important for today but important soon--clean out or consolidate one more box and/or area in the Basement for a guest area.
• I need to do my nails.  

👋

Looking forward to worshipping You tomorrow, both with the congregation and in the classroom!  Love You so very much.  I am worried for the future, but You have it and You have me.  In Jesus's name~~Amen.

Absurdities and Other Things

 Lord God, the title "Absurdities" came to my mind earlier, perhaps last week, when I was in a conversation with someone at work.  He was "in charge" of assuring compliance with mask-wearing to mitigate the risks of spreading COVID in the hospital.  The twin absurdities were 1) he was not wearing his own surgical mask (63-75% effective) correctly and 2) he was giving me grief for wearing my KN-95 mask (94-95% effective) correctly.  "I don't know where you got that mask, if it is approved, if it is safe.  It is not authorized by the hospital."

See the absurdity?

In fact, on reflection, there are so many absurdities in the world at this point.  Blatant lies are pushed; wars are declared on flimsy projected grounds; lies are "true" and truth is not valued.  Is there any such thing as honor anymore?  Can anyone's word or promise--except Yours, of course--be trusted?  Is this how your prophets found the world and is this how they felt when they essentially shouted truth into their situations, only to be ignored or, worse yet, persecuted?  

That four-letter word: WILL.  Willfulness.  Opposite of willingness.  

Oh, God, soften my heart and make me *willing* to be corrected by You, taught by You, and disciplined by You.  Tolerating all of these absurdities is a strain on me.  In my own stubbornness, I think that sarcastically challenging someone's absurd belief--one quote similar to the one above mentioned "deluded"--will convince them that they are wrong, and they will cheerfully change their minds.  Yeah.  That has totally worked so far.

I am falling asleep here!  (Worcester Public Library--Volunteer reading, doctor's appointment, new hearing aid molds this afternoon.). 

Please intervene wonderfully in Tue's (and Julie's) life.  Broken ankle, torn Achilles--not even to mention our (Yours and mine) desire for his heart to be overcome by You.

Gonna go now, dear God.  Dear, dear God.  Are You frustrated these days?

Grace and Peace

( I rarely have a few moments when DH is not at home when I am; "working from home" has made it difficult for me to claim undisturbed time here.  Now I have a little time, thanks to a client cancellation this morning.  But DH wants us--Bailey and me--to visit him at the Harvest Fair on the grounds of the Holden Nursing Home/Oriol Health property.)

Lord, I started to title this post "Peace and Grace" because my annual theme has been grace but my devotional these past few days has addressed the theme of peace.  Then I remember that You often put grace and peace together in Your word.  I will end this post with one of those verses.  There are 17 in the Bible Gateway New Testament!  The first one, in Romans, reminds me of today's devotional, which highjacked me over to a few chapters in Romans.

To all in Rome who are loved by God and called to be his holy people: Grace and peaceto you from God our Father and from the Lord Jesus Christ. Romans 1:7

Grumbling and the Christian

I can't do this for as long as I want because I have an appointment in 41 minutes to donate platelets, but I still wanted to capture a thought:

This is from Pastor Tom's sermon last week, which I could not hear in full because I was teaching.  The point was so good that someone (Anna?) captured the clip and posted it.

https://fb.watch/fvkxZFOhpD/ 

I am still grappling with grumbling, and I encountered a situation today that tested me.  I drove around the Harrisburg AirBnB for perhaps 30 minutes looking for a parking space.  Oh, yeah, I was having some difficulty stepping back and seeing Your hand in the challenge.  But I did, and then the perfect parking space was provided.

More later?  DH is coming home, and he is a big reason for my grumbling attitude.

 

Every Day and All Over Again

 “If anybody starts talking to me about religious commitment, I may listen politely, but what I’d like to answer him with is a few monosyllables that don’t bear repeating here in the midst of the holy community. If you tell me Christian commitment is a thing that has happened to you once and for all like some kind of spiritual plastic surgery, I say go to, go to, you’re either pulling the wool over your own eyes or trying to pull it over mine. Every morning you should wake up in your beds and ask yourself: ‘Can I believe it all again today?’ No, better still, don’t ask it till after you’ve read The New York Times, till after you’ve studied that daily record of the world’s brokenness and corruption, which should always stand side by side with your Bible. Then ask yourself if you can believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ again for that particular day. If your answer’s always Yes, then you probably don’t know what believing means. At least five times out of ten the answer should be No because the No is as important as the Yes, maybe more so. The No is what proves you’re a man in case you should ever doubt it. And then if some morning the answer happens to be really Yes, it should be a Yes that’s choked with confession and tears and… great laughter. Not a beatific smile, but the laughter of wonderful incredulity.” 

(Frederick Buechner, The Return of Ansel Gibbs p. 303-304)

I'm Sad

Good morning, Lord.  I am in a hotel room isolating from DH because *he* has COVID and he is really bad at isolating.  Since You already know my heart, I may as well confess that I have called him an idiot and a moron, but thankfully only in my thoughts.  I am angry at him for being careless.  I feel put-upon and inconvenienced and, frankly, threatened with illness: "It's not that bad.  You are being ridiculous."  But he is sick, and I am not.  I am also the oldest, with the most complex picture of medical conditions, and the one with the most responsible duties over the next weeks.  

Lord God, I get so distracted!  Please focus my mind to serve today in Kids' Church and to lead Huddle.  Please place a guard around me, and especially around my thoughts, because I can get VERY snarky and downright mean.  

Solomon's prayer for discernment has stuck with me.  (Funny how You pick the right words at the right times....)

So give Your servant an understanding heart [or "a heart that listens"] to judge Your people, to discern between good and evil.

The NIV says, "to distinguish between right and wrong." Yeah, that.  In these days of gaslighting and outright lying, this is such a needed gift from You.

Frederick Büechner died.  Max Lucado shared one of his quotes, noting that there may be so many great thoughts from which to choose.  The upshot is that if we pay attention to the broken and corrupt world around us, we might--no, we will--waver.  Each day we need to choose to believe *and apply* the Gospel. Today.  In this situation.  Now.  In my life.

Yes.  Amen. 

Irritated or Valid?

God!!  I am calling out to You because I am frustrated and stuck.  I have tried and I am trying to be patient and forbearing with DH.  It is not going well.  I feel like a popped balloon when he says something that provokes me.  It just hits me the wrong way, and my mouth responds.

He is not good at conflict resolution.  That isn't very unusual with husbands, at least as far as I know.  The quick return to cooperation and reconciliation appears in the research, too.  Then why am I feeling that the underlying issue remains active and unresolved?

I try to get into his skin, to feel his discouragement at working in high-stress and fast-paced IT.  I try to understand his desire to slow down and enjoy life and hobbies.  I am not empathic in the sense of feeling similarly; I am a more driven person, a more mission-oriented person, and ... what? a more professional person?  I have a profession that is more than just a job from which I can retire.  There is much more work to be done, and I have the professional skills and experience to help with that work.

And the issue of RESPECT.  Oh, my.  That is a trigger word and a trigger concept for me.  Boy, I don't feel understood by him.  I have known for years, perhaps decades, that projection is one of his primary defenses (think Freud's defense mechanisms).  In the sense that You, God, say that we are to treat others as we want to be treated, that isn't a terrible defense.  In the sense that it is usually negative unwanted feelings and traits that are projected, it isn't really the case.  In the sense that DH usually assumes that I want what he actually wants, without respect for my actual desires and traits, it is frustrating, annoying, and disrespectful.  How often have I said lately, with annoyance, "Do you actually know me?  Listen to me?

I have to go now.  There is more to say, and much more to pray about, and I will.  Please help me.  

Struggle

God, even though I try to push away my annoyance and I try to be gracious, I am not succeeding.  It seems like so many things--TOO many things--irritate me.  Is this a mood disorder or is it a spiritual disorder?

I am redoing the Dangerous Prayers devotional in YouVersion.   (The Craig Groeschel version).  I even find myself annoyed by the lame prayers that DH prays, and the comfortable lukewarm-ness of our lives.  Yet--it is comfortable, and I don't really know if I could give it up.

So the Scripture that sticks in my mind is Psalm 139.  Instead of just cutting and pasting, I am going to enter it intentionally and manually to help it stay on my heart:

Psalm 139:23

    Search me, God, and know my heart;

    test me and know my anxious thoughts.

    See if there is any offensive way in me,

    and lead me in the way everlasting.

Yeah, that is a dangerous prayer.  I am anxious; there is a lot about which to be anxious in the world right now.  I am offensive in several ways.  Those statements are not excuses.  They are confessions.  Hence, the title of this post--Struggle!  

I get frustrated when people are stupid and willfully blind.  I get angry when people, especially in Your church, God, are so unloving.  I get sad when those who observe Christianity from the outside do not see genuine Godliness but frank hypocrisy.  

Struggle!  Personally, spiritually, relationally--help me.  Tears are in my eyes right now.  I need to get ready to help others (my client today) and to get some money for that help (billing--haha).  I am distracted, I think psychologically because these topics are hard, deep, and sensitive.

But I genuinely want to pray dangerously but courageously.  Use me, Lord, and refine me no matter how painful it might be.  I want to mean that.  You did.

Deepest Parts of My Heart

I live in a kind of fear that the deepest parts of my heart will be revealed and not handled respectfully and gently.  I know that "Perfect love casts out fear," and I also know that there is no perfect love apart from You.  I am not (yet) made perfect in love because I still fear.

So, here goes, at least here with You.  I feel quite alone--no, that is not really true--I feel incompletely understood.  I know my husband "loves" me in the way that he knows how to love, and I know his love language is all about acts of service.  I know that he is not a philosopher-thinker.  He relies heavily on those in religious authority to direct him, sometimes not thinking critically about issues, and other times showing glimmers and glimpses of deeper comprehension.  For me, this is exhausting.  May I say these things without judgment?  (This is where I fear punishment.)

• I think more quickly than he does.
• I think more completely than he does.
• I have a better command of vocabulary and some science than he does.
• I am more generous than he is--and he is plenty generous!

Another area of sensitivity is our sexual relationship. He has moderate to severe erectile dysfunction, and the sildenafil (Viagra) does not work well.  He refused to address this problem for months, perhaps even more than a year.  I have my own sexual performance problems with prolapses interfering with several functional routes, but no matter how I try to explain my issues, he reacts with what feels to me like disgust.  It took us 20 years to figure out that I was not having orgasms, and now he seems to believe that it is a formula--same stimulation, same location, same irritation of much more delicate tissue in that area.  I recently had what felt like a urinary tract infection directly after intercourse, which might have resulted from another issue.  (More on that in another location.). Kissing is unpleasant.  He has a severe dental overbite that makes kissing "sloppy" and leaves me wiping my mouth.  I don't think that is how it is supposed to be.

We just celebrated 35 years of marriage.  We went to our daughter's home in Harrisburg, and in keeping with our tradition of being on the water every five years, we were "on" the Susquehanna River, or two blocks away.  We served; he did a lot of work around the townhouse, and I cooked, cleaned, and shopped.  That is what we do.  And we usually do it together.

Ah, dear Lord.  You are my refuge!  You know me in the innermost parts of my heart.  Nothing is secret from You, and I am glad that I can be honest without fear in Your love because Your love is perfect and casts out my fear.  I have to go now.  (Maybe in more ways than one.)

Memory Verse Review

These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart.  You shall teach them diligently to your sons [children] and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.  Deuteronomy 6:6-7

One of my favorite verses!  I consider it a mission statement of sorts for Children's Ministry as well.  

May it be true in my life, Lord God--in everything I do, may I "teach them diligently" Your words as I keep Your words on my own heart. 

Ukraine

Some believe that we have entered World War III.  One of them, someone who testified in an impeachment involving Ukraine, says that we are already in the middle of it.  I won't retrace her thinking here, although it is interesting and sobering.  I will PRAY.

When you go to war against your enemies and see horses and chariots and an army greater than yours, do not be afraid of them, because the Lord your God, who brought you up out of Egypt, will be with you.  Deuteronomy 20:1

Father God, Almighty Lord of the Angel Armies, Lord of hosts, I ask this promise on behalf of the people of Ukraine.  To my knowledge, they have done nothing to deserve this evil attack by Russia, and not really by the Russian people but by the Russian dictator and autocrat.  It is commonly accepted that the Russian army is far stronger than the Ukrainian army, and yet You seem to have thwarted evil so far.  Be with them, Lord, because the Russian military is "greater" than theirs--but not greater than You.  May You be glorified in this conflict; may You point people to Yourself, to Jesus; may Your people see the fulfillment of many prophecies of Scripture; and may we Your people become excited and empowered to live for You in what arguably could be a foretold time of Biblical significance.  If these are the End Times, Lord, let me not minimize their consequence; if they are not the End Times, then there is no loss in living as if they were.

Yours is the victory, oh Lord my God!  Let not Evil triumph!  Give us more time to bring those You have called and chosen to Your throne and Jesus's cross!

My Mindfulness Mantra 2022

 
"May I be gracious.  May I be graceful.  May I be full of grace."

Yes, Lord, there is a theme of GRACE for my year.

I will digress to discuss one of the most serious areas of my life in which I need a lot of grace.  It is true, unfortunately, that my DH is annoying me a lot.  I cannot put one finger on the issue because there are at least a few.  Honestly, I don't know where to start.  Some issues are old; some are more recent.  I almost hesitate to put them in any sort of order because I don't know how, or whether, to rank them.  Willy-nilly it will be.

• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/think-act-be/201901/help-im-in-love-trump-supporter

This could be one of the most upsetting features of my distress.  The passivity of being a Trump supporter without apparent critical thinking about the issues associated with his presidency--and I could take an entire entry to list them all and probably forget some--annoys me deeply.

• The disinterest in things political, or socially and spiritually controversial, or psychological in nature

Only here would I make this observation.  It seems to me that our daughters and our son-in-law discuss the deep and contentious things more with me than with him.  Similarly, I note that when our friend Charlie initially reached out, he reached out only to me.  I have wondered if these exclusions have hurt DH's feelings.

• The leadership that our church has invited us--me?--into

DH has made it exceptionally clear that he does not want a leadership role.  He is even thinking twice about his position as a Children's Ministry teacher.  He loves working with his hands, with tools, and with wood.  He is better than I am at casual conversations and learning things about people.  Is there some jealousy?

• His sexual ... I don't know what word to use

That it took us 20 years--on our 20th anniversary trip--to figure out that I was not achieving an orgasm is appalling to me.  I recall commenting on not feeling right, and I wondered about certain uncomfortable sensations after sex (probably undischarged excitement).  It is not a bad thing that DH was fairly inexperienced when we got married.  Now, though, after nearly 35 years, there isn't much oomph.  Even with sildenafil, the erection is soft and short.   I don't have enough energy, and I fear that he does not have enough creativity, to work as hard and/or as long as I need to have an orgasm.

• His lack of ambition or purpose
• His focus on retirement and finances

I will end for now because there is more to say but not more time in which to say it today.  Thank You, Lord, for listening.  Now, as for that grace that I was requesting?

Added 02/05/22: One of the other things that has bothered me for years is his ungracious (there is the root word GRACE) manner of receiving gifts.  I have been hurt--my feelings have been hurt--when he is not grateful for the thought behind my gifts.  He has even told me to regift those gifts in subsequent years--this year, in fact.

The other thing that came to mind is the "I'd rather be dead than deaf" comment a few years ago when he had an ear infection.  He is biased against people with disabilities despite his own, shall I call it, height handicap.  What is even more annoying to me is that he has shrunk approximately two inches during our marriage.  Could this be connected to low testosterone?  I am not a doctor, of course, and I don't wish to make a diagnosis, but oh my, it could explain much.

I will be done for now.  This turned into less a post about grace that griping.  I guess, though, I need a place to gripe, and God, You are my place.  So now, please, change my heart.  I have only You in whom to confide.  And I am content with that.