A Psalm of Lament

 O LORD, my foundation and my salvation, why are You allowing such wickedness to continue and even to grow?

We know that You are God; Yours is the victory.

Why, then, may I ask timidly, are You allowing so many battles to be lost?

What do You want me, and Your faithful people, to do?

I cry out in the depths of my spirit for revival and for repentance.

I struggle with anger and outrage and deeply profound grief and sadness.

I fear--yes, I fear--for the future of my beloveds and for the future of this country.

I feel hopeless and helpless in the face of this onslaught of lies, defiance, hatefulness, and upside-downism.

I know that there is always hope when You are present and working.  I remind myself of this blessed truth often because the overwhelming darkness threatens this spark of light.

Abba LORD, I am privileged to call You my Father and my God.  I do not understand Your ways.  

I will, however, put all my trust and hope in You.

There is no one else.

God's Battle

 Starting the Book of Joshua today--the Bible Project review had a line that jumped out at me:

"Rather, this is God's battle."

How often--almost constantly, Abba--I forget this truth.  It is something I need to remind myself of all the time.  I also need to remind myself that obedience to Your commands sometimes requires that I do nothing but wait and trust (and worship--as the story of Jericho shows), and at other times, it
requires that I actively work, participate, and fight in the battle.  May I listen and discern Your voice increasingly well so I know which times are which!

My prayer:  

O Lord, my God, how powerful are You!  You are the Master Strategist in the planning and execution of this great battle between You and the forces of evil and darkness.  Let me be a faithful and obedient participant in Your army, a well-trained and well-disciplined soldier, serving in any and every capacity to which You assign me.  Most of all, Lord God, may my character reflect You as an ambassador of Your Kingdom.

In the meantime, Abba, there is much work in preparation and recruitment.  I pray for the soul and heart of my first son-in-law, whose character often shows more Godliness and Christian virtue than many who name Your name!  I pray for my daughters and for the new son-in-law, who is especially vulnerable as an immigrant and a brown one at that, to this nation.  I also pray for this nation and its leaders, who do not seem to me to be following You or Your commands and yet are followed by many who claim to be Your followers.  Lastly, and not least importantly, I pray for my heart and character.  I see harsh edges and unattractive characteristics in myself that I feel helpless to change.  Of course--because this is Your battle in my heart!

Are You Angry, God?

 Are You angry, Abba?  In today's Bible reading and the "God Shot" requested in response, my own God Shot involved Your anger at Your rebellious, complaining, disobedient, greedy (I could go on here) people.  "Separate yourselves from this assembly so I can put an end to them at once."  That's pretty mad.  Then You opened up a sinkhole and a flash fire that consumed them.  

May You never be that angry with me!  May I never do anything that makes You that angry with me!

But I probably do make You that angry, and I probably have done things that make You that angry.  Abba, thank You for Jesus.  Thank You that He stood between me and Your justified wrath because of Your (plural) great love--love that was greater than Your wrath.  Did He come to die?  Not only to die, because everyone dies, but also and so importantly to pay with His death for my sins and then to conquer death by returning to life!!

Back to the anger, though~You have every right in Your righteousness to be enraged with us.  I will stand in prayer for myself (which Jesus did NOT have to do) and for my fellow people, especially those who claim to be in Your family, because if I don't commit to do that, I would also be enraged.  I am enraged.  Calm me, Abba, and keep me in Your perfect peace.  Amen.

God Shot for Joseph

 Abba, even though I pray and listen to You every day (thank You for TBR), I wish I could write to You every day.  Writing captures my thoughts much better than the swirl of words and feelings and weirdness in my head.  It seems reasonable to think that You value the capture of words, too, since the Word is so important to You.

Having just finished Genesis with the history of Joseph, I was reminded of my own false-accusation experience.  

• Despite having done nothing wrong, Joseph and I were found guilty without a true recounting of events.
• Despite our motives being Godly, Joseph and I were accused of having inappropriate and harmful intentions.
• Despite Your power, Abba, Joseph and I wait for a long time for -- would it be called exoneration?  Or would it be more accurate to use the word "restoration"?

But I am not quite as Godly, or maybe as mature in my faith in You, as Joseph was, Abba.  I also don't have a lot of confidence that I will be either exonerated or restored.  But I will still praise You, worship You, and serve You.  Many of Your "best" servants went to their graves, either shortly or after a long life, being wrongly judged.  

Ah, Abba.  In what times we live!  Yet I will remain steadfast.  You are my rock, my fortress, my hiding place, my confidence.

Jesus, come quickly!  Not too quickly, because there are many left to rescue.  But I do want You to come soon, with Your Spirit working hard to encourage those still unbelieving to put their lives into Your hands.

(You know who I mean~~)

Amen.

My Psalm

My soul waits in silence for God alone;
From Him come my salvation and my hope.
2 He alone is my rock and my salvation, not the powers of the world,
He is My stronghold; I will not be greatly shaken.

How long, O Lord my God, will evil triumph?
How long will injustice, untruth, and hypocrisy flourish?

I grieve, O Lord.  I lament the unholiness of people--Your people.

Yet why would I expect more from fickle mankind?

I set my heart and my soul on You.

You are the only stable and good foundation.

I know my own fickleness, my own hypocrisy.

I throw myself on Your merciful discipline, O God.

You have spoken [c]once;
[d]Twice I have heard this:
That power belongs to You;
12 And faithfulness is Yours, Lord,
For You reward a person according to his work.

(borrowed in part from Psalm 62)

Exhaustion

•  Debbie died on January 10, 2025. This morning, I cried unexpectedly. The good memory -- not really a memory but more an imagination -- brought to mind a picture of a young, healthy Debbie enjoying a garden in heaven.
• I am happily exhausted from my work. There are *so* many people who want to talk, to feel better. Abba, I am not the savior or the healer; You are! Please use me as a vessel of Your blessing.
• The presidential inauguration was this week. The nation is only three days into this presidency and already there have been multiple disastrous decisions. Please, Abba, allow me the grace to pray for this leader (who is not leading very wisely, or positively. or graciously) and to rest in Your leadership. I am a citizen of Your country.

I will end now because my brain isn't focusing well right now. Until next time, Abba, remember I love You.  :)

Heaviness of Heart

Abba! My sister Debbie is dying.  

I intellectually knew that fact both times I saw her recently, and now that fact is powerfully present in real-time, most likely within hours. I have no regrets about seeing her recently, even though she likely had little, if any, idea or appreciation that I was there. 

Still, there are a couple of memories from those visits.  On the first day, when she did focus for a millisecond on my face, she blurted out, "You look like my sister."  💔  Later in the same visit but on the next day, she caught sight of my face again and commented, "You look wonderful today!"

Really?  LOL!

Maybe not.  Maybe her dementia affects her vision and her judgment.  But whatever the explanation, I will cherish those comments.

I will also remember with affection the time spent with her grandchildren.  I hurt for them and for their father in this loss.  I don't believe I can fill her place, and I don't believe it is an appropriate role for me to assume.  I do believe that there may be a role I can fill, and I will wait for Your direction.

Debbie

 It seems a little stupid, Abba, to include things You already know in this post as prayer. I ask You to indulge me because You may know my thoughts and motivations, but sometimes, I don't.

I am returning from a long weekend in Michigan with Debbie and, to a lesser extent but not a lesser significance, Bobby. I was reflecting on the significance of Bob's reply text to me yesterday: "Thank you for the respite and help."  My reflection involved the difficulty of communicating how that word hit me without sounding both, or either, picayune or arrogant. The respite aspect felt quite accurate, though. Being with her was hard, both physically and emotionally. She cannot rest; the psychomotor agitation is pronounced and exhausting for her and for those caring for her.

I appreciated Joe's company and his interventions with her a lot. He is a good and decent man--some might be surprised by that characterization! One of the most surprising things for me was his desire to attend Catholic Mass at the Notre Dame Basilica, formally known as the Basilica of the Sacred Heart. A second surprise was the presence of some Bible verse decorations at his AirBnB. I could be wrong, but I see a ramping up of Your work in his life, Abba!

Here I capture some of my thoughts about Debbie and her situation:

• She is so bruised from her falls. It seems nearly impossible to keep her from falling without physically restricting or restraining her. Even with constant accompaniment, she is unstable with her ambulation, and now I see something (You brought me to it)--->
• "Dementia posturing" or an interaction between dorsal kyphosis and dementia. Oh, Father God, Please relieve Deb's suffering!
• Mom is suffering almost as much as, perhaps more than, Debbie. I don't even know what to ask on Mom's behalf, Father. You of all people know too painfully well what it is like to see Your child suffering and not doing anything about it--whether by inability or by choice, it is heartbreaking either way. Oh, God, bring Your peace!

The flight is readying for boarding. Bobby was so gracious in getting me priority status!  

Amen for now. Love You!

Nothing Makes Sense

Father God, I feel like I am living in an upside-down world.  I realize that much of Jesus's teaching is upside-down--the last shall be first, to save my life I must lose it, love my enemies, and others--but the events of this year and this US election take the idea to a terrible new place.  Evil appears to be triumphing, incompetence is a requirement for government appointment, immorality and sin are celebrated, and knowledge is devalued.  I don't understand.

My own prayer practice has taken a hit because I don't know how, or what, to pray.  I am mature enough (!) to know that You do not always (and maybe rarely) answer my prayers with the answer that I think is right.  So now the question for me is this: What are You doing?  How can I catch a glimpse or an outline of the plan that You are working out?  Knowing that "You cannot be stopped," I take a deep breath and grasp Your truth and the history of Your work in the world.  You have rarely, if ever, done things in a way that "makes sense."  Of course, Your ways are not our ways, nor are Your thoughts our thoughts.

In my current reading in Galatians, I see Paul's annoyance with the people in Galatia.  Haha--I think I know how he felt.  What I hear is this: "How on earth can you believe these falsehoods?  What are you trying to prove?" In so many ways, I see the Church of today (early 21st century) being deceived by very similar heresy.  And I am, like Paul, annoyed.  

And I, unlike Paul, am afraid.  I am afraid for my almost son-in-law, an immigrant from El Salvador.  I am afraid for my daughters and their young families, perhaps including grandchildren someday.  I am afraid for the dear immigrant believers in our Church.  I am afraid for this country and for the principles of truth and virtue and freedom under which it was founded.

Abba, accept my fear.  Please also accept my surrender to You and what You are doing in this upside-down world.  Please hear my prayers, spoken and unspoken, for my loved ones and for those with whom I am "annoyed."  In obedience to Your command, please attend to my prayer for those in authority in government, both the current president and the president-elect.  May they both seek You in the performance of their heavy duties and know Your wisdom in their decisions about the serious matters facing the country and the world.

I will not be afraid!

Grieving and Still Hoping

 Good morning, Abba.  "I am thankful before You, {my} living and enduring King, for You have mercifully restored my soul within me.  Great is Your faithfulness."

(For some reason that I cannot recall, I have this prayer stored in my Bible app as "Modeh Ani."  Later, I may--or may not--go back and figure out why.)

Great *is* Your faithfulness.  Even when the world, this country, the "rulers" of the government are far from faithful, You are.  You always have been, and You always will be.  

So why on earth do I grieve and worry?

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary captures a few reassuring words; in fact, one of the words that jumped out at me was "assurance."

• Strong assurance
• Steadfast in affection
• Steadfast in allegiance
• Firm in adherence to promises
• True -- *true* -- to the facts, to a standard [of holiness and perfection!]

While I may continue to grieve the depravity of humans, my kin, I do still hope and I do still find reassurance in Your faithfulness.

Walking a Tightrope

 Father God, I have seen the challenge--I have even considered the challenge for myself--of standing up for opinions and beliefs, even when they are so obviously based not only in truth but also in the truth of Your word.  In our own little circle of influence, our own pastor has been getting pushback for the most benign and Biblical encouragements to care for the poor and disenfranchised.

What is happening, Father?  

Is this the foretold period of deception leading to the end times (which may last for many decades or even centuries)?

For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths.  (2 Timothy 4: 3-4)

This verse is one of one hundred that speak of "deception by Satan in [the] Last Days."  It may be an inevitable and even an unavoidable phenomenon leading to Your Son's return.

Yet, Abba, do I dare ask You to stay Your coming judgment for a bit longer?  Perhaps I am being selfish; I know I am afraid, knowing that I am not strong. 

Strengthen me, God, so that I honor You in all my days and especially in these trying and difficult times.  In Jesus's name and by the work of the Holy Spirit I pray~~Amen.

Psalm 12's Timelessness

    Help, O LORD, for the godly are fast disappearing!

        The faithful have vanished from the earth!

    Neighbors lie to each other,

        speaking with flattering lips and deceitful hearts.

    May the LORD cut off their flattering lips

        and silence their boastful tongues.

    They say, "We will lie to our hearts' content.

        Our lips are our own--who can stop us?"

    The LORD replies, "I have seen violence done to the helpless,

        and I have heard the groans of the poor.

    Now I will rise up to rescue them,

        as they have longed for me to do."

    The LORD's promises are pure,

        like silver refined in a furnace,

        purified seven times over.

    Therefore, LORD, we know you will protect the oppressed,

        preserving them forever from this lying generation,

    even though the wicked strut about,

        and evil is praised throughout the land.

I Admit to Worry

 

Lord God, I confess to worry right now.  I see DH's labwork, and his WBC is too low for the second or third year in a row.  Knowing that his father--who was outwardly healthy and careful about his health, as DH is--lived and died with leukemia, I admit to being worried.  Please, Lord, have mercy.  Today, right now, in this minute, I am focusing on You.  You do not promise that nothing will ever beset us.  Rather, You promise that You will always be with us, through it all.  

I am also mindful of the hurricanes that have slammed the southeast states in this nation as just the most recent of the weather crises and climate catastrophes that have been happening with greater intensity and frequency for a while.  People are suffering, and we are--I am--not exempted from the possibility of suffering.

BUT You are still and always will be God.  May these events and experiences turn me more toward You, face to face (which always brings me to tears).  May I be strong, exemplary, holy, faithful, and encouraging.  

Through what is and what may come, I will still love You.

A Beautiful Autumn Day

 "Have mercy on me, Son of David!"  from Matthew 9.

During a beautiful walk with Bailey at Quinsigamond State Park today, You spoke to me.  The events of the past 15 months, with the false accusation and resulting loss of my job, has been continuing to weigh on me.  I am distressed and humbled, confused and embarrassed, and yet--You reminded me that I am not in a bombed city, I continue to have a home (and a pretty nice one at that), food (and pretty good food, if I say so myself), health, family, a good church, and many other niceties of life.  So even though 

Abba, I am a little scared about DH's blood test result with a low WBC.  One of the causes is leukemia, which is what took his father.  Lord, please ... I am not sure what to ask You.  The timing, where both Jim and DH were asymptomatic at roughly the same ages, is frightening.  Have mercy on us!  We have been married for 37 years, the longest on my side of the family and almost the longest on his.  Plus, God, DH is not a great patient.  (LOL!)  Please give his doctor wisdom and persuasiveness to get DH to address this problem (longstanding, from what I saw in his record, of about 2-3 years).

(If it would help, I would gladly donate blood to him.  I might not be able to since our blood types are not compatible.)

However, I return to the beauty of today.  This entry is a bit scattered, as am I.  Let me bask in mindfulness, recognizing that You are here with me now, today, and will be forever, no matter what happens.

I love You.

A Seven-Minute Session

The timer is set for seven minutes, Abba.  It is not nearly enough time to connect meaningfully with You.  However, knowing how distractible I am and can be, this time-limited appointment may help me to focus more intentionally during this small slice of my day.

I just finished a platelet donation and scooted over to Panera to have lunch.  (On the last donation, I got quite dizzy and needed time to recover, possibly because I did not eat well prior to the donation.)  I -- no, not I but You -- are meeting me here to have a chat, no?  I am listening.  What do You want to say to me?

So much!  My attitude comes to mind first of all.  I grow irritated at home and at the people who are either willfully or ignorantly choosing the wrong path and the wrong (IMHO) presidential candidate  I grow very judgmental and, in Your choice of words in the sermon from Acts last week, "distressed" by the "idols" in this culture and this country.  (Acts 17:16(

There is the timer.  I will honor it but this issue would be a great place to pick up on my next entry.  Until then!

A Mindful Minute

 I wish I could capture many of my thoughts and reflections when they happen. Sometimes, I have these wonderful insights (LOL—so arrogant of me) that escape me when I try to remember them.

Right now, the two men--Homo Sapiens and Canis Familiaris--are out walking. Hence, my mindful minute is only a minute. I have so much reflecting to do! Job/employment, service opportunities, my attitude, and frustration with DH and the house.

Distractions abound--I just texted my stepbrother about his son's birthday, my daughter's wedding, and my other daughter's half-marathon.

God, King of the universe, I want to capture one intense prayer that has lurked on the peripheries of my mind for a very long time--this election and the state of this nation. Lament--repentance--confession--pleading with You to spare us what we clearly deserve. Call Your people back to You and not to the false idols and false prophets that have captured Your people's devotion.

"As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."  Amen.

What You Want People to Know

 The thing that struck me in today's Bible passages was the repetition of the line

"Then you will know that I am the LORD." (Ezekiel 28: 23, 24, 26)

"Then all who live in [Egypt--or the world] will know that I am the LORD." (Ezekiel 29: 6, 8, 16 which mentions "Sovereign LORD" and 21)

May I, and everyone I love, know that You are the LORD and come to know that more and more! 

Ezekiel and the Certainty of Justice

 Father God, the recent readings in my Bible Recap (to which I am listening more than reading!) talk a lot about Your anger at Your wayward people and the need--yes, need--for corrective punishment.  It has made me consider the possibility that the era in which I am living will not go unpunished.  It has even made me wonder whether there may be an inevitability about the ongoing decline of this culture and the continuation of the willful evil and corruption in American politics and in American evangelicalism.  

It is breaking my heart.  

Please, Abba, reach my beloveds.  I am listening to The Chosen's Season 4 aftershow, and it is validating these themes from another period of time: from Lamentations in the Old Testatment, to Jesus's own time on earth, and right up until this year.  I don't know anymore how to talk to my unbelieving relatives and loved ones, especially given the terrible examples of our Christian family (or some of them).  Help me NOT to be one of those bad examples.  Help me remember to pray constantly for Your will to be done.  And help me to obey You everywhere You are working out Your will in front of me.

Hardship and Lamentation

 Poetry.  I have often wished that I had that gift.  I think that some of what is labeled "poetry" really isn't, but true poetry moves me.  The book of Lamentations does.

I (and I wish I didn't use the word "I" so much!) have avoided writing because almost as soon as I sit down to write, my eyes tear up.  The world, and especially this country, is such a mess.  Some people, like my DH, are very disconnected from the problems and live in their cocoons without seeming to realize that destruction could very well lie ahead, and not in the distance.  Judgment is so much closer than many want to recognize.  In these recent Bible readings of Jeremiah and Lamentations (but not only there), You mention promised punishment and discipline really often, God.  

And Your people sometimes suffer right alongside the sinners.

These are sobering thoughts, and juxtaposing them with "the joy of the Lord" is oxymoronic on its face.  I guess that is what I take away from Lamentations, and the commentaries that I heard today: it's not only just okay, but necessary and spiritually healthy, to lament and question and emote to You.  You kmow our hearts anyway; why hide?  (Adam and Eve, that was dumb.)  

If this is how I get to know You better, then I am all in.  Even as I sit here, I imagine (or do I sense?) You sitting next to me.  And here come the tears.  I imagine Your foreknowledge of all that You had to endure, and I imagine Your wanting to share some of Your deepest thoughts--just the ones You know I can handle right now.  We commiserate; we grieve over this fallen world and the misled people we both love.  And we go forward, in large part because it is impossible to go back.  (Rather like I felt once or twice during labor!)

I love You, God, as I have said before, so much and still not enough.  May it grow.

Punishment Will Come

Not undeservedly, Abba, will You discipline Your people.  Your heart may be angry, and it is also almost certainly broken, over the stubborn rebelliousness and stiff-necked resistance of Your children.  I think I would feel the same way.  These thoughts come from my TBR reading from Jeremiah today.  You all but guarantee punishment, knowing the hearts of Your beloved ones will not soften or turn to You.

Don't let me be the same way.

Intercession time:

• Christopher's permanent legal residency paperwork
• Repentance for the evangelical Christian church in the US
• The upcoming national election (Your will be done, no matter whether I agree)
• Direction for my next move vocationally and financially
• Wisdom--and more wisdom.  Discernment, too
• I am not sure how to pray for Tue and his faith.  It has become so complicated to "evangelize" when the evangelical church has become so disreputable and, frankly, stupid in many ways.

What to do next, Abba?  I need Your to-do list!

To You be the glory and may Your will be done.  Amen.

MercyMe - "I Can Only Imagine" Official Music Video

God Shot on Prophecy

 Abba, I will stay focused here for 15-18 minutes.  My ADHD may make that a little challenging, but nevertheless, I will remain on this site from 12:32 p.m. until 12:47-12:50 p.m.  :)

A lot of what I have been pondering in my devotional time and in the current sociopolitical landscape of the USA/evangelical Christianity is the recalcitrance of Your people--even those people who appear to be devoted, devout, and dedicated to You.  How do they, and we, fail to get Who You are and what Your heart's desires are?  I know how desperately wicked and deceptive my own heart is.  It makes it hard for me to trust that some of my thoughts, attitudes, and conclusions are validly from Your mind.  A posture of humility and submission to Your correction is essential and so rare.  Do I take pride in my obedience?  Yeah, sometimes.  I have grown up (thank you, Rick Anderson, and the Enneagram Style 2) valuing positive feedback as a fundamental part of my self-esteem.  It has served me in many good ways, but it has also misled me in some important life paths.  The only positive feedback I really need is Yours.  This year has reinforced that lesson with some pain and a great deal of reconsideration of what matters to me.  And also what matters to You.  

I know that You love me deeply and unconditionally, which brings me immense (may I even say "eternal"?) comfort.  I also know, dialectically, that I am deeply flawed and ugly in spirit--"poor in spirit," perhaps.  Reconciling these two absolute truths into a dialectic is a challenge and a wonderful mystery.  

But I digress.  Or do I?

I started by acknowledging that the human heart, whether others' or mine, is desperately wicked and prone to wander.  Why I pray for this country's repentance is a conundrum.  I know that there is great evil afoot, particularly in Republicanism and evangelical Christianity, and I also know that the opposite party focuses way too much on human goodness, freedom, and self-reliance rather than on repentance and dependence on You.  Integrating these realizations for the purpose of good citizenship is challenging.  This challenge brings me back to the truth that I am not only, and far from most importantly, a citizen of this country but even more so a citizen of Heaven.  I miss my home, though I have never been there!  "I can only imagine...."

Time to move on with the day, Abba.  I am crying, of course.  Any time I connect with You I can't seem to help it.  I love You so much and still not enough!  Amen.

PS Safety for Amy's flight home from Mexico, please?  

Audacious Ask

I don't know why I seem to have been avoiding spending some time in prayer, Adonai Abba.  I seem to be constantly prayer-minded all day long, particularly in my solitude these days (although I do have Bailey). I know I have been preoccupied with the election and the ways in which it intersects with evangelical Christianity (not necessarily the faith involving a relationship with Jesus).  

I just did it again.  So, I shut down my phone.  :)

A quick dump of rapid-fire, flash round issues:

• Going to Michigan to see Debbie
• Dale and the ultra-conservative, angry position he is in
• The unresolved workplace violence/discrimination grievance
• My own next step(s)
• The usual prayer for family members all across relationships (nuclear, extended, in-law, etc.)
• Pursuit of the final internships for the CAGS in School Counseling

And the "audacious ask" in the title--what would my most audacious ask of You be?  I do NOT want to fall into the traps that I see laid out in The Chosen, in my Bible Recap readings, and in the apparent deception of, and in, the evangelical community of 2024 (a little before, up to the present, and possibly beyond).  You are not my vending machine, and I determine not to use audacity to ask for earthly things.  (PS Thank You, omnipotent God, for the prisoner release of the American hostages taken by Russia.)  

What, then, shall I request of You?

From The Message, a contemporary and simplified interpretation:

I'm asking GOD for one thing, only one thing: To live with him in his house my whole life long.  I'll contemplate his beauty; I'll study at his feet.  That's the only quiet, secure place in a noisy world, The perfect getaway, far from the buzz of traffic. (Psalm 27: 4-5)

Quite consistent with my focus on my "one thing" philosophy of life!

Abba Adonai, let this then be my audacious ask.  If I am now Your temple (1 Corinthians 6:19), then I can live with You literally all the time, 24/7.  The world is indeed noisy, and I need that quiet, secure place as a getaway contemplate and study the things that characterize You--to know YOU.  That sounds like an audacious ask, indeed.  May You and I together make it so.

Amen!

Direction, Please?

 Abba Adonai (if that is even an appropriate title to use for You), it has been two weeks since the last difficult (but not as difficult) job loss.  I wanted to take time to listen to You; yet I fear I have filled the time with "productivity."  That might not be terrible in itself.  However, if I need to listen to You, distraction does not lend itself well, if at all, to careful, discerning listening.

So, Adonai in heaven, I will ask outright what You want me to do next.  There are many things waiting for my attention, and several possible options for next steps.  There is -- there are -- several things I do not want to give up, nor do I currently believe it is Your will for me to give up: volunteering at the school and giving platelets regularly are two of those important things.  Are there other things to do for You?  I stopped for a second on my ability to do anything *for* You.  You do not need me!  Perhaps I would do better to ask what You want me to do to contribute to Your kingdom.

• Volunteering--no supplemental income
• Working part-time--difficulty with time off?
• Working full-time--same as above, less flexible time to volunteer or be available for others (my mother)
• Private practice--version one, for an online agency--some demands for the aforementioned productivity, perhaps a lack of self-confidence on my part.
• Private practice--version two, for myself--overhead costs, liabilities, documentation, but possibility for flexibility and income

Dear Adonai, please tell me what You want.  This could be a wonderful period of time for me and for the family and for the benefit of Your church.  Help me to use it wisely.

Amen and for Your glory!

Lots of Titles

"Modern-Day Prophecy"

"The Upside-Down"

"Listening to the Message"

These are only some of the titles for posts that have crossed my mind over the past few weeks.  The more I listen to my Bible readings (thanks to The Bible Recap!), the more I see that nothing in human hearts really ever changes without the specific ministrations of the Holy Spirit.  

But isn't that always the way?  Humans, including me, often cannot see past the ends of their own noses.  Humans want power in this world.  Humans are hopeless without Your intervention, Adonai.  The prophets to whom I have been listening (thanks to those who read the Bible for others) emphasize the wickedness of the human heart, the disciplinary punishment -- and sometimes unavoidable consequences -- by You, Lord, and the overarching purpose of being in a relationship.

July 24 addendum: Just going to wrap up this entry for the sake of clarity.  More to come!

The View of the Vistas

 Almost a month.  So many contradictory messages and experiences.  I am not sure I will recall all of them, but some are recent, fresh, and frustrating:

• Today, in the end of a frustrating week, the group therapy schedule for the new adult unit came under scrutiny.  Last week, I had suggested pulling one therapist from each of three units to run a group each on the new unit, running with only three groups on each of the units.  I was told that this was not only against protocol but also against regulations.  So what happened today? The outgoing director of social work pulled one therapist from each of three units to staff the new unit.  ???
• I was told, with some stated certainty, that the unit that will come under renovation (to add 4 additional beds) will absolutely close on Monday, July 15, in order to start those renovations.  Now I surmise, by virtue of the promise to staff groups for next week on the new unit, that the renovating unit will NOT close and therefore release its group therapist to staff the new unit.  (Hard to follow, but read it slowly.)
• 
  Three minutes before arriving at TV for the rescheduled ice cream party, I received a text that "policy" prohibited my coming into the hospital while on "vacation."  I had been on Teams meetings and email and texts for the prior two days, trying to solve problems and stay informed.  I did not hide this activity.  I was also never apprised of any such policy--or any policies at the Vistas, for that matter.

(I will save this in draft form until I can revisit the month.  I will pray--hard--that the Holy Spirit will superglue my mouth shut about these contradictions and inconsistencies.  Holy Spirit, accept my prayer!)

Update 7/19/24: Last Friday I received a call releasing me under the probationary period.  The letter was not gracious.  I am, frankly, relieved.

Wish for a Whole Day to Pray

I could use an entire day for a spiritual retreat.  My head is swirling with thoughts, plans, observations, interpretations, and, unfortunately, some fears.  I know--I know!--that You never rush, You never get overwhelmed, You never run late.  Not like me!  At those times, I have begun to take a breath and a moment to center and check in with You.  "What am I supposed to do next, God?  I am listening."

Hence, this entry.  This is what I was supposed to do at this moment.

I have finished one week at TaraVista.  Impressions are variable, but I feel hopeful and called to this place at this time for Your purposes.  If I ever needed wisdom, and I have needed it badly for many years, I need it more than ever now.  Help me, God, to pause before my mouth engages.  Help me to listen to Your Spirit and to speak words of life.  I don't want to work at a long career at TaraVista, but the income and the sense of restoration are wonderful right now.  Thank You.

Biblically, what Your Spirit is whispering to my soul in my Bible Recap "readings" (i.e., listening) has involved the consistent disregard over millennia for doing life Your way.  This is not a new phenomenon in the recent decade or so.  The MAGA and evangelical people seem to believe two errors: one, that things were so much better as to approach perfection in a recent time in the past, and two, that governments or lack of governments can make a country or a society "so much better."  It has always been Your plan to change hearts, not laws.  Ah, God!  Change my heart!

I love You so much and not enough.  Amen.

Grateful for Everything

 Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; give thanks in all circumstances...

...for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

It feels like we are at the end of a rough season, Abba.  At the same time, it feels like we may be beginning another rough patch in national politics and global unrest, even war.  

Help me to be clear-eyed about Your will.  The surprise ending of the third episode of The Chosen Season Four raises the deep and difficult issue about the character of Your will on many occasions.  We think, as humans, that we know what is good and "best," but we don't think correctly!  Your will is determined by so many pieces of knowledge and foreknowledge that my human mind cannot even begin to imagine.  What are *You* doing in this situation, this world--and most importantly for my relationship with You, my own life?

More than ever before in my 67+ years of life and my 50-ish years of knowing You, I realize that the reality of persecution and evil leadership and distortion of true worship of You is far more current nonfiction than historical or fictional recountings.  It was easier on my immature faith to believe that pastors and ministers all knew, preached, and respected truth.  Now I feel more mature and at the same time deeply disillusioned.  I also do not trust in my own ability to discern truth all the time.  That would be arrogant and a lot like the grandiose but ignorant certainty embraced by so many "Christians" who embrace beliefs and positions that make me cringe.  I can only, and always, refer back to You and ask You, in my childlike way, to explain these complicated and often distorted issues to me.

I fear being gaslit.  YOU are the Voice of Truth.  And I determine to be grateful for *everything,* even all the bad people like lying politicians, corrupt ministers of the Gospel, evil-intentioned employers and managers in my job, and other sinners.

May I follow You even when it makes no sense, even when others in my "Christian" world are trending a different and often opposite way, and may I (with my physical and spiritual deafness) hear You in the cacophony of voices in the foreground and the background of this tangled web of influences in this current world.

Come, Lord Jesus.  Maranatha!

Thankful Reflection

 

Abba, today I am most grateful for You.  You are always faithful.  I reflect on the sufferings of Your people who are persecuted, some of whom have even been tortured, imprisoned, or even killed--and You are still faithful and they still find joy in Your will.  

These months of waiting (10 months now) have not been easy although they have not risen to the level of suffering that others of Your saints have endured.  Now I feel like the Biblical Old Testament Joseph.  He remained steadfast despite being falsely accused and punished for it.  He continued to worship You and represent You.  Ultimately, You restored him to a place of respect.  Now I have my retirement pay, even retroactive, and the prospect of a new job with a salary greater than what I could have earned with my previous job.

I will miss these times with You (and Bailey by my side here).  I will miss walking during the middle of the day at Tower Hill, but weekends, watch out.  I will miss the flexibility of being at home, and the relief from the stress and absurdities of my former job--but not the stress and absurdities.  Maybe there will be new stress and new absurdities.  I know You will remain faithful and we will get through it together.

A new chapter is being written in my story now.  There are a couple of plot lines that need to be resolved.  I look forward to seeing how You write the endings of those plots.

I love You--so much and not nearly enough.

Direction on Directorship

 Father God, what a shock to receive an invitation to consider the position of Director of Social Work at TaraVista.  What an honor and what a vindication.  As much as the experience of the past year has hurt and even wounded me, this invitation has brought a measure of salve and comfort.  It may be too soon to know whether full healing has started, but the reprieve feels nice.  

Now I ask for Your direction.  The money is a big incentive.  Full-time is not my preference, but nothing is forever.  In fact, if I had not been "discharged," I would still be working full-time.  Did You shove me out of a job for the purpose of giving me more free time?  Or did You shove me out of government service and an unhealthy working environment for the purpose of giving me something better?  Help me to hear what You are directing (word choice intentional) me to do.  I like the opportunity to be generous and to plan for future housing costs, both repairs and purchase.  Please be clear!  You know my heart inclines toward You and Your purposes in my life, in my family, and in Your world.  I see in Scripture that some of Your people believed they were doing the right thing for You but it was neither at Your direction nor with Your blessing.

Waiting for You, Father God.  Amen.

Every One Matters

Jehovah Jireh, my provider, thank You for the job and the funds with which we hope to serve and bless You and Your people.  I will miss all the "tiempo libre" and the time with "mi perro," and I will look forward to structuring my time differently after 10-11 months of this unexpected break.  Please direct me during this time of readjustment.

The "Every One Matters" title is pertinent in two ways.  I first considered this my God Shot for the 1 Chronicles readings today because You mention so many people and their relatives by name.  It occurred to me that each person is significant enough to call out individually.  You really care deeply not just about the masses but each child (no matter their age).  Secondly, if I am to take on the Social Work Supervisor role for TaraVista, then the "every one matters" philosophy will be important to implement as a supervisor and as a provider of clinical services.  I may want to make a poster of this.

God, I feel Your healing touch.  There is a lot to heal.  I also praise You for discipline in Your love and love in Your discipline.  If I may, I also want to intercede for my daughters in their places of service today and going forward.  The world needs more Millenials like my daughters, who serve individuals and foster their growth in several meaningful ways.  Please provide for them as You are providing for me.

I love You.  Amen.