Silence

God, my head won't focus on a theme for today.  I think perhaps that means my role is to remain silent in prayer and LISTEN.  Distraction is a real thing.  Just sitting and letting my thoughts float by as though on a lazy stream (sometimes a rushing river!) reveals how many things are polluting my mind.  

I worry.

I plan.

I regret.

Sometimes I confess.

I catch myself in some of the distorted thinking patterns that I call out in others; the worst ones are probably thinking that You either don't know what is going on in the world or that You are going to (maybe obligated to) fix those problems in this world.   Neither one of these beliefs is true.  You know.  You might even be allowing these problems intentionally to punish people (You have done that in the past) or to illustrate the contrast between Your ways and men's ways.  

Recently, I read somewhere that You have even chosen specific people, including me, to live in this time for Your purposes.  So, God, please show me what Your purpose is for me in this time and please make it as obvious as my oblivious mind might need.  I don't want to miss it.

Amen. 

I'm Listening

 ...and as I listened, I fell asleep. (Just like the apostles, yes?)

The Great Fatih chapter —I have been struck by the idea  — throughout the year, and especially in this one -- that life for God's people is rarely easy. Persevering in believing when the situation and the circumstances are awful, dire, and discouraging seems to be the real proof of faith.  

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." 

That's enough for me to have faith, even and maybe especially when it seems like You have left and forsaken me. I have grown too accustomed to quick responses to prayer and to an entitlement to ease. My challenge for the new year will be to refrain from saying the (righteously!) angry comments about the stupid and evil things that are being done in this country and in so--too--much of the world.  

Why do I expect differently?  

God, may I be FAITH-ful in these times of unusual trial. May You soften my harsh, sarcastic tone and allow me to continue serving You with great joy. I love You above all else. I say that but perhaps too lightly; I really want to mean it.

Jesus, You are the greatest! Happy Birthday.

I Need to Talk to You

 Sometimes I get so up-in-my-thoughts that I literally forget to journal my prayer, my conversations with You.  It's not that I am not talking to You all day long.  I do that from morning until bedtime.  It's more that the disciplines of prayer, reflection, solitude, and journaling take time.  There is so much to do in my life and work that I move from task to task and neglect this time with You.

It's also that I don't want to journal while DH is in the home.  He and I seem to be in different places spiritually.  I hate saying that because I, of course, think that I am more spiritually mature than he is, deeper and more ... I guess I am not sure what word to choose.  However, I have seen and heard passivity and superficiality in his prayers and his priorities.  I am admittedly frustrated by this at times; why, when many wives have this same issue with their husbands, do I feel entitled to a spouse on the same spiritual level as I am (I think, anyway)?

You know, Father Abba, that we had difficulty when our younger daughter married an "unbeliever," and after all that, that man may be a more spiritually mature person than many so-called "Christians."  What do I do with that recognition?

I need to talk to You about so many other things as well, but DH is on his way home from a craft fair and I want to--yeah, I know--make some progress on the Christmas tree.  

(Why do I cry when worship music plays??)

I love You so much.