A Psalm of Lament

 O LORD, my foundation and my salvation, why are You allowing such wickedness to continue and even to grow?

We know that You are God; Yours is the victory.

Why, then, may I ask timidly, are You allowing so many battles to be lost?

What do You want me, and Your faithful people, to do?

I cry out in the depths of my spirit for revival and for repentance.

I struggle with anger and outrage and deeply profound grief and sadness.

I fear--yes, I fear--for the future of my beloveds and for the future of this country.

I feel hopeless and helpless in the face of this onslaught of lies, defiance, hatefulness, and upside-downism.

I know that there is always hope when You are present and working.  I remind myself of this blessed truth often because the overwhelming darkness threatens this spark of light.

Abba LORD, I am privileged to call You my Father and my God.  I do not understand Your ways.  

I will, however, put all my trust and hope in You.

There is no one else.

God's Battle

 Starting the Book of Joshua today--the Bible Project review had a line that jumped out at me:

"Rather, this is God's battle."

How often--almost constantly, Abba--I forget this truth.  It is something I need to remind myself of all the time.  I also need to remind myself that obedience to Your commands sometimes requires that I do nothing but wait and trust (and worship--as the story of Jericho shows), and at other times, it
requires that I actively work, participate, and fight in the battle.  May I listen and discern Your voice increasingly well so I know which times are which!

My prayer:  

O Lord, my God, how powerful are You!  You are the Master Strategist in the planning and execution of this great battle between You and the forces of evil and darkness.  Let me be a faithful and obedient participant in Your army, a well-trained and well-disciplined soldier, serving in any and every capacity to which You assign me.  Most of all, Lord God, may my character reflect You as an ambassador of Your Kingdom.

In the meantime, Abba, there is much work in preparation and recruitment.  I pray for the soul and heart of my first son-in-law, whose character often shows more Godliness and Christian virtue than many who name Your name!  I pray for my daughters and for the new son-in-law, who is especially vulnerable as an immigrant and a brown one at that, to this nation.  I also pray for this nation and its leaders, who do not seem to me to be following You or Your commands and yet are followed by many who claim to be Your followers.  Lastly, and not least importantly, I pray for my heart and character.  I see harsh edges and unattractive characteristics in myself that I feel helpless to change.  Of course--because this is Your battle in my heart!

Are You Angry, God?

 Are You angry, Abba?  In today's Bible reading and the "God Shot" requested in response, my own God Shot involved Your anger at Your rebellious, complaining, disobedient, greedy (I could go on here) people.  "Separate yourselves from this assembly so I can put an end to them at once."  That's pretty mad.  Then You opened up a sinkhole and a flash fire that consumed them.  

May You never be that angry with me!  May I never do anything that makes You that angry with me!

But I probably do make You that angry, and I probably have done things that make You that angry.  Abba, thank You for Jesus.  Thank You that He stood between me and Your justified wrath because of Your (plural) great love--love that was greater than Your wrath.  Did He come to die?  Not only to die, because everyone dies, but also and so importantly to pay with His death for my sins and then to conquer death by returning to life!!

Back to the anger, though~You have every right in Your righteousness to be enraged with us.  I will stand in prayer for myself (which Jesus did NOT have to do) and for my fellow people, especially those who claim to be in Your family, because if I don't commit to do that, I would also be enraged.  I am enraged.  Calm me, Abba, and keep me in Your perfect peace.  Amen.

God Shot for Joseph

 Abba, even though I pray and listen to You every day (thank You for TBR), I wish I could write to You every day.  Writing captures my thoughts much better than the swirl of words and feelings and weirdness in my head.  It seems reasonable to think that You value the capture of words, too, since the Word is so important to You.

Having just finished Genesis with the history of Joseph, I was reminded of my own false-accusation experience.  

• Despite having done nothing wrong, Joseph and I were found guilty without a true recounting of events.
• Despite our motives being Godly, Joseph and I were accused of having inappropriate and harmful intentions.
• Despite Your power, Abba, Joseph and I wait for a long time for -- would it be called exoneration?  Or would it be more accurate to use the word "restoration"?

But I am not quite as Godly, or maybe as mature in my faith in You, as Joseph was, Abba.  I also don't have a lot of confidence that I will be either exonerated or restored.  But I will still praise You, worship You, and serve You.  Many of Your "best" servants went to their graves, either shortly or after a long life, being wrongly judged.  

Ah, Abba.  In what times we live!  Yet I will remain steadfast.  You are my rock, my fortress, my hiding place, my confidence.

Jesus, come quickly!  Not too quickly, because there are many left to rescue.  But I do want You to come soon, with Your Spirit working hard to encourage those still unbelieving to put their lives into Your hands.

(You know who I mean~~)

Amen.

My Psalm

My soul waits in silence for God alone;
From Him come my salvation and my hope.
2 He alone is my rock and my salvation, not the powers of the world,
He is My stronghold; I will not be greatly shaken.

How long, O Lord my God, will evil triumph?
How long will injustice, untruth, and hypocrisy flourish?

I grieve, O Lord.  I lament the unholiness of people--Your people.

Yet why would I expect more from fickle mankind?

I set my heart and my soul on You.

You are the only stable and good foundation.

I know my own fickleness, my own hypocrisy.

I throw myself on Your merciful discipline, O God.

You have spoken [c]once;
[d]Twice I have heard this:
That power belongs to You;
12 And faithfulness is Yours, Lord,
For You reward a person according to his work.

(borrowed in part from Psalm 62)

Exhaustion

•  Debbie died on January 10, 2025. This morning, I cried unexpectedly. The good memory -- not really a memory but more an imagination -- brought to mind a picture of a young, healthy Debbie enjoying a garden in heaven.
• I am happily exhausted from my work. There are *so* many people who want to talk, to feel better. Abba, I am not the savior or the healer; You are! Please use me as a vessel of Your blessing.
• The presidential inauguration was this week. The nation is only three days into this presidency and already there have been multiple disastrous decisions. Please, Abba, allow me the grace to pray for this leader (who is not leading very wisely, or positively. or graciously) and to rest in Your leadership. I am a citizen of Your country.

I will end now because my brain isn't focusing well right now. Until next time, Abba, remember I love You.  :)

Heaviness of Heart

Abba! My sister Debbie is dying.  

I intellectually knew that fact both times I saw her recently, and now that fact is powerfully present in real-time, most likely within hours. I have no regrets about seeing her recently, even though she likely had little, if any, idea or appreciation that I was there. 

Still, there are a couple of memories from those visits.  On the first day, when she did focus for a millisecond on my face, she blurted out, "You look like my sister."  💔  Later in the same visit but on the next day, she caught sight of my face again and commented, "You look wonderful today!"

Really?  LOL!

Maybe not.  Maybe her dementia affects her vision and her judgment.  But whatever the explanation, I will cherish those comments.

I will also remember with affection the time spent with her grandchildren.  I hurt for them and for their father in this loss.  I don't believe I can fill her place, and I don't believe it is an appropriate role for me to assume.  I do believe that there may be a role I can fill, and I will wait for Your direction.