Irritated or Valid?

God!!  I am calling out to You because I am frustrated and stuck.  I have tried and I am trying to be patient and forbearing with DH.  It is not going well.  I feel like a popped balloon when he says something that provokes me.  It just hits me the wrong way, and my mouth responds.

He is not good at conflict resolution.  That isn't very unusual with husbands, at least as far as I know.  The quick return to cooperation and reconciliation appears in the research, too.  Then why am I feeling that the underlying issue remains active and unresolved?

I try to get into his skin, to feel his discouragement at working in high-stress and fast-paced IT.  I try to understand his desire to slow down and enjoy life and hobbies.  I am not empathic in the sense of feeling similarly; I am a more driven person, a more mission-oriented person, and ... what? a more professional person?  I have a profession that is more than just a job from which I can retire.  There is much more work to be done, and I have the professional skills and experience to help with that work.

And the issue of RESPECT.  Oh, my.  That is a trigger word and a trigger concept for me.  Boy, I don't feel understood by him.  I have known for years, perhaps decades, that projection is one of his primary defenses (think Freud's defense mechanisms).  In the sense that You, God, say that we are to treat others as we want to be treated, that isn't a terrible defense.  In the sense that it is usually negative unwanted feelings and traits that are projected, it isn't really the case.  In the sense that DH usually assumes that I want what he actually wants, without respect for my actual desires and traits, it is frustrating, annoying, and disrespectful.  How often have I said lately, with annoyance, "Do you actually know me?  Listen to me?

I have to go now.  There is more to say, and much more to pray about, and I will.  Please help me.