My Mindfulness Mantra 2022

 
"May I be gracious.  May I be graceful.  May I be full of grace."

Yes, Lord, there is a theme of GRACE for my year.

I will digress to discuss one of the most serious areas of my life in which I need a lot of grace.  It is true, unfortunately, that my DH is annoying me a lot.  I cannot put one finger on the issue because there are at least a few.  Honestly, I don't know where to start.  Some issues are old; some are more recent.  I almost hesitate to put them in any sort of order because I don't know how, or whether, to rank them.  Willy-nilly it will be.

• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/think-act-be/201901/help-im-in-love-trump-supporter

This could be one of the most upsetting features of my distress.  The passivity of being a Trump supporter without apparent critical thinking about the issues associated with his presidency--and I could take an entire entry to list them all and probably forget some--annoys me deeply.

• The disinterest in things political, or socially and spiritually controversial, or psychological in nature

Only here would I make this observation.  It seems to me that our daughters and our son-in-law discuss the deep and contentious things more with me than with him.  Similarly, I note that when our friend Charlie initially reached out, he reached out only to me.  I have wondered if these exclusions have hurt DH's feelings.

• The leadership that our church has invited us--me?--into

DH has made it exceptionally clear that he does not want a leadership role.  He is even thinking twice about his position as a Children's Ministry teacher.  He loves working with his hands, with tools, and with wood.  He is better than I am at casual conversations and learning things about people.  Is there some jealousy?

• His sexual ... I don't know what word to use

That it took us 20 years--on our 20th anniversary trip--to figure out that I was not achieving an orgasm is appalling to me.  I recall commenting on not feeling right, and I wondered about certain uncomfortable sensations after sex (probably undischarged excitement).  It is not a bad thing that DH was fairly inexperienced when we got married.  Now, though, after nearly 35 years, there isn't much oomph.  Even with sildenafil, the erection is soft and short.   I don't have enough energy, and I fear that he does not have enough creativity, to work as hard and/or as long as I need to have an orgasm.

• His lack of ambition or purpose
• His focus on retirement and finances

I will end for now because there is more to say but not more time in which to say it today.  Thank You, Lord, for listening.  Now, as for that grace that I was requesting?

Added 02/05/22: One of the other things that has bothered me for years is his ungracious (there is the root word GRACE) manner of receiving gifts.  I have been hurt--my feelings have been hurt--when he is not grateful for the thought behind my gifts.  He has even told me to regift those gifts in subsequent years--this year, in fact.

The other thing that came to mind is the "I'd rather be dead than deaf" comment a few years ago when he had an ear infection.  He is biased against people with disabilities despite his own, shall I call it, height handicap.  What is even more annoying to me is that he has shrunk approximately two inches during our marriage.  Could this be connected to low testosterone?  I am not a doctor, of course, and I don't wish to make a diagnosis, but oh my, it could explain much.

I will be done for now.  This turned into less a post about grace that griping.  I guess, though, I need a place to gripe, and God, You are my place.  So now, please, change my heart.  I have only You in whom to confide.  And I am content with that.