Miserable

 Yeah, I am pretty miserable these days.  NOTHING appears to be going right, and I am irritable and argumentative (even if I am sometimes right).  I have little motivation; I am anxious all the time; I cannot concentrate well for long.  Even while I am trying to get through this post, I get distracted.  I am headachy and lazy.  I am frustrated at the triumph of evil and the deception of my brothers and sisters in Christ, and I am having too much trouble remembering that YOU are still in charge!!  I am even at odds with my DH, upset at him for being so ignorant of politics and pandemic and for spouting platitudes like "be rooted in Scripture"--whatever that means.  He is more dependent than he has been in the past, and I find it annoying.  He does not take initiative except for household tasks--I can be very grateful for that--but he is growing more forgetful and more short-sighted in his future planning.  Except for his retirement plan!  I say "his"  because I honestly fear that he will enjoy retirement alone if I die early, which is unfortunately not so far an improbability with the pandemic and my essential worker status.

What am I missing, Lord?  My eyes hurt, sometimes from crying and sometimes from wanting to cry, I think.  I feel hopeless, even almost terrified.  I know that the psalms and especially the Psalms of Lament represent some of these feelings, and I will be going back to them.  You are still, and always, good and good to me.  Help me.

Because Jesus is always the victor, I pray in His name.

Taking Advantage

Having gone to Pennsylvania to celebrate Amy's upcoming 30th birthday (tomorrow, 9/23/2020), I am stuck at home awaiting the results of a COVID-19 test--but it does not feel like being stuck.  I am, frankly, enjoying the random accomplishments of the day, including this one.

So, Lord, in the interest and the spirit of praying, I am trying to focus in this age of anxiety, with the pandemic and the politic, on the eternal and the spiritual.  Today's YouVersion speaks of peace vs. worry.  How completely appropriate!!  I still wish to be informed.  I haven't quite figured out, though, how to get the information I need to read Your will in the situations without worrying.  It's all bad news, or so it seems on the surface.

But You are not a superficial God.  You work in the deeps.  (Is that a word?  Yep, I looked it up.)   Behind and underneath all that is going on in the world, there is the "invisible war" going on in the spiritual realm.  That is the title of the devotional I am reading, and it is also SO completely appropriate to these times.

The struggle for me is the internal anger and anguish that robs my own peace.  I also want to argue people into understanding the truth.  Persuasion, right?  Hah.  Even You have chosen not to push people into Truth, and You are the Truth.

Speaking of Truth, what are you doing behind the scenes with Tue?  I am curious, and I am waiting for Your opening.  If I may ask something, please put reins on me and a muzzle on my mouth.  I tend to think more of myself and my ability to know what to say and when to say it than is warranted.  

I think I will go finish that book The Lotus and The Cross.  Bless my reading and understanding?  I don't think it captures Tue very well, or his father, but I wonder how many "denominations" of Buddhism there are, similar to how many Christian denominations exist.  And please bless my own representation of You.  I am afraid to sound judgmental, and I fear that many representatives have done harm to Your message but not, of course, to You.  No one can harm You (despite what the president tried to pin on his opponent). Nevertheless, I don't want to be one of those people who turns others away from You.

Love You so very much and still not enough.

Since Last Year? Not good!

Oh, God, what I really mean is this: I have been praying, You know that.  I just haven't written anything in this location for SINCE LAST YEAR!  I know why.  I do not want to share this journal (my spell check almost chose "journey," which would perhaps be equally appropriate) with anyone, and my dear husband is nosy.  Some things, such as the ones between You and me, are supposed to be private.  

If I engaged in free association or stream-of-consciousness writing right now, I am not sure what would pop up first.  It was a day that I had hoped would be a day of silence in the spirit of the devotional I am doing on YouVersion right now: "Turning Off the Noise."  I considered not saying anything verbally until my dear feline coaxed some words out of me.  And then a phone call from my middle sister and mother regarding my recently widowed (#2) youngest sister.  It was not a great phone call.  "I don't want you to use your clinical skills, but what do you think...?"  She and mother did, indeed, want me to use my clinical skills BUT they--mostly sister--really wanted me to confirm what she believed.  

This segues into the other issue: the widowed sister.  The widowed sister who probably has a form of dementia.  The sister who doesn't like me very much, maybe because I am unable to coddle her.  It may also be because, in the eyes of both sisters and mother, I live a "charmed" (read: blessed) life.  I do.  They have had some awful, sad, disappointing events and relationships in their lives.  I get that, and I am sorry for them.

But I am getting away from that sister's very serious problems.  The current plan is bringing her to live with mother for "two weeks" which was the original estimate or "as long as it takes," whatever "it" is.  This plan is fraught with risks.  She has never been an easy person for mother or us, and I have trouble imagining that dementia and grief are going to improve her disposition and behavior.  Whew.  Oh, boy.

Then there is husband.  He is ... frustrating and frustrated at this point in his life.  He wants to retire before he even turns 59.  I don't know exactly what is prompting this desire, and he is not very good at talking emotionally.  In addition, there are some physical difficulties that are affecting our relationship, and he is not seeking help for them.  Finally, the political tensions are high.  Because this is a private entry, and You do not judge though You could, I will admit (confess) that I have a lot of trouble respecting anyone who supports the current President.  And my husband does.  

And this goes into another segue.  The political landscape is flat-out crazy, irrational, evil!  I shake my head at the deceitfulness, the selfishness, the disrespect for humans that this administration exhibits.  I wonder that anyone can support him--and worse, that many evangelical Christians support him!  I am disgusted.  Horrified.  And most of all, confused.  Why can reasonable people NOT see through these lies? Why can they not cling to the values that make us as Christians different, loving, wonderful citizens?  How long, oh Lord?

Well, the cat is out.  I would like to get her in early enough to go to bed early; I could use Your help with that.  But I have some other things to do before then.  I will try to write more this week while husband is off sailing the coast of Maine with his brother.  

I love You, Lord.  And I totally need You more than ever.