A little stream of consciousness before I can settle down, I suspect. I am in a bit of a funk. Definition of funk: a state of depression; synonyms a bad mood, a low, the dumps, the doldrums. Yep. That's about right...or wrong.
I am not entirely sure what started this period of the blues. I am not sure that knowing the beginning matters. I just know that I don't like myself very much and that I am crabby and irritable and dissatisfied. I don't know where to start chronicling the ... I don't know what to call the list of issues. The one, however, that is most recent and most current is DH. I guess I will start there.
The dissatisfaction around DH is confusing and disruptive. I know that part of my annoyance has to do with his [thoughtless] support of the Religious Right and its support of our current President. It bothers me that he does not appear to think critically about the issues but automatically, even reflexively, accepts what certain leaders promote. To be completely honest, I am confused, even befuddled. I don't want to fall into heresy; and I don't want to be a Pharisee. I am torn, bemused, and tired of thinking. But I digress. I get annoyed, even angry, at DH for what I perceive to be stupid and simplistic generalizations. I also react strongly, vehemently, vigorously, and automatically to being treated like a second-class citizen, a child, a person who has significant deficits and cannot think for herself. When I stop--if I stop--to think, I would venture that DH is not a deep enough thinker to recognize the subliminal messages that he is sending. But "a man speaks from what fills his heart." Is DH feeling a need to be superior? Is he feeling a decline in his own cognitive functioning? He is forgetting a bunch of things, and then remembering the most surprising of other things.
I have stopped telling him a lot about work and about my medical problems for two significant reasons: one, he forgets them; two, he judges me for having them. There is not an acceptance of a supportive nature. In fact, with regard to work, he once said something about "you are always right," and he did not mean it in any way but sarcastically. The curse. With due humility, I think I might be right much of the time. But people in positions above me are not always affirming and are sometimes incompetent. I grew up believing that the teacher was always right, and the promotions went to the most deserving and the best qualified. Nope. I don't think that anymore.
So with DH, I feel disappointed. The partnership is not so much a partnership. For example, yesterday he insisted that our daughters are "independent and *should* not need support (such as a bit of financial help or a wake-up call)." But then he said that he would "have" to wake up at 5:30 a.m. on his day off because he "needed" to wake me up at 6:00 a.m. So, the impression is that I am not capable at my age of waking myself up. Or making gifts of a helpful nature to our daughters. Or reasoning? I am in a bind with this situation. Giving feedback or advice seems to contradict him, which then feels like I am disrespecting him. I know I need to learn how to give feedback better. (Maybe my next learning adventure?)
Pause. Another confession. I am burned out with churches. I see the same problems of incompetence and hard-heartedness and lack of love in the leadership of so many churches, including the one we just left. I see that arrogance and NOT-Christ-likeness in much of the Religious Right, including some of the people that I considered my friends. I am confused and, honestly and frankly, disgusted. I just want to crawl into a solitary faith and focus just on me and my relationship with God (You!). I can see why monastic life has an attractiveness to it. I remember, though, someone who said that we cannot escape from ourselves and our sinful attitudes, even when we are alone. We are meant to live in community--and it is not easy.
I did not tell DH that I am taking the day off. He, to my knowledge, does not know about this blog. I wouldn't be able to dump my honest junk here if he did. That judgment again....
Help me, Lord. I am stuck in a deep, deep rut. I ache, both physically and spiritually. I want to be thankful during this month of Thanksgiving, and I have fallen WAY behind. (I am going to stop here and try to catch up a little while I have this lull before my 2 p.m. appointment.)
You know I love You, right?
