One month

Yes, Lord, it has been 4 weeks since I last posted here.  Oy.  To the day.  (I think I took that Wednesday off for my medical appointment--physical.)

When this happens, I don't really know where to begin.  

First, I promised my client (KB) that I would pray for her although I was going to pray during our canceled appointment time.  Father God, she lost her son to an opiate overdose.  I feel really helpless to help her; that grief cannot be traditional or standard in any way, although more and more deaths are occurring because of it.  Before I ask You for help to help her, let me ask You to help her directly.  She mentioned that her husband was in the hospital overnight.  I didn't ask specifically, but it would stand to reason that there was something concerning to warrant admission.  She has a remarkably important job as a SPED director for Webster: "Director of Student Support Services."  AND, in addition to all that, she is allowing her deceased son's girlfriend and their child, a 5-year-old kindergartener, to live with them.

You, of course, know all of this.  Please bless her in a way that only You know will be most "blessing."  To my knowledge, she is a woman of the Catholic faith, and she might not know You in the born-again personal way.  Bless her so that she knows incontrovertibly that it is YOU.  Not only for her sake, but for Yours as well.

Second, then: Would You help me find the Fordham Christmas sweatshirt?  Silly request, of course.  It's sentimental.

Third: the reason it is sentimental is my second daughter.  She is in a relationship with a stellar young man--but by his own confession, he is not (yet) a Christian.  I really like him.  I imagine that You do, too!  In fact, I am quite sure that You love him.  He is a quality guy, a person who loves sacrificially, and a thinker who is not going to take this faith lightly.  For those reasons, I consider him a better Christian than many of my fellow brothers and sisters.  BUT--he is not (yet) a Christian, and I am concerned as my daughter's mother that she is heading toward heartbreak and heartache and frank disobedience.  

There.  I have said it.  I want her to follow Your instructions.  I cannot do that for her, though.  Please intervene in Your wise way.  It is fairly certain <smile> that You want that young man more than I do.  You know whether he is good for my daughter (although, as the cliche goes, no one is good enough for one's daughter).  You will not force my daughter to do the right thing.  I will not pretend to know what the right thing is for her. 

(The furnace maintenance person just arrived.  Thank You for this time.  I guess this is all for today.)

Confessing and Reflecting

Wow.  Has it really been three months since I wrote here?  The last post was dated 8/19/17, I think.  Again, wow.

A little stream of consciousness before I can settle down, I suspect.  I am in a bit of a funk.  Definition of funk: a state of depression; synonyms a bad mood, a low, the dumps, the doldrums.  Yep.  That's about right...or wrong.

I am not entirely sure what started this period of the blues.  I am not sure that knowing the beginning matters.  I just know that I don't like myself very much and that I am crabby and irritable and dissatisfied.  I don't know where to start chronicling the ... I don't know what to call the list of issues.  The one, however, that is most recent and most current is DH.  I guess I will start there.

The dissatisfaction around DH is confusing and disruptive.  I know that part of my annoyance has to do with his [thoughtless] support of the Religious Right and its support of our current President.  It bothers me that he does not appear to think critically about the issues but automatically, even reflexively, accepts what certain leaders promote.  To be completely honest, I am confused, even befuddled.  I don't want to fall into heresy; and I don't want to be a Pharisee.  I am torn, bemused, and tired of thinking.  But I digress.  I get annoyed, even angry, at DH for what I perceive to be stupid and simplistic generalizations.  I also react strongly, vehemently, vigorously, and automatically to being treated like a second-class citizen, a child, a person who has significant deficits and cannot think for herself.  When I stop--if I stop--to think, I would venture that DH is not a deep enough thinker to recognize the subliminal messages that he is sending.  But "a man speaks from what fills his heart."  Is DH feeling a need to be superior?  Is he feeling a decline in his own cognitive functioning?  He is forgetting a bunch of things, and then remembering the most surprising of other things. 

I have stopped telling him a lot about work and about my medical problems for two significant reasons: one, he forgets them; two, he judges me for having them.  There is not an acceptance of a supportive nature.  In fact, with regard to work, he once said something about "you are always right," and he did not mean it in any way but sarcastically.  The curse.  With due humility, I think I might be right much of the time.  But people in positions above me are not always affirming and are sometimes incompetent.  I grew up believing that the teacher was always right, and the promotions went to the most deserving and the best qualified.  Nope.  I don't think that anymore.

So with DH, I feel disappointed.  The partnership is not so much a partnership.  For example, yesterday he insisted that our daughters are "independent and *should* not need support (such as a bit of financial help or a wake-up call)."  But then he said that he would "have" to wake up at 5:30 a.m. on his day off because he "needed" to wake me up at 6:00 a.m.  So, the impression is that I am not capable at my age of waking myself up.  Or making gifts of a helpful nature to our daughters.  Or reasoning?  I am in a bind with this situation.  Giving feedback or advice seems to contradict him, which then feels like I am disrespecting him.  I know I need to learn how to give feedback better.  (Maybe my next learning adventure?)

Pause.  Another confession.  I am burned out with churches.  I see the same problems of incompetence and hard-heartedness and lack of love in the leadership of so many churches, including the one we just left.  I see that arrogance and NOT-Christ-likeness in much of the Religious Right, including some of the people that I considered my friends.  I am confused and, honestly and frankly, disgusted.  I just want to crawl into a solitary faith and focus just on me and my relationship with God (You!).  I can see why monastic life has an attractiveness to it.  I remember, though, someone who said that we cannot escape from ourselves and our sinful attitudes, even when we are alone.  We are meant to live in community--and it is not easy.

I did not tell DH that I am taking the day off.  He, to my knowledge, does not know about this blog.  I wouldn't be able to dump my honest junk here if he did.  That judgment again....

Help me, Lord.  I am stuck in a deep, deep rut.  I ache, both physically and spiritually.  I want to be thankful during this month of Thanksgiving, and I have fallen WAY behind.  (I am going to stop here and try to catch up a little while I have this lull before my 2 p.m. appointment.)

You know I love You, right?

Continuing in Prayer

In honor of Tue's trip to India and beyond with his father, I have taken to reading Ravi Zacharias's book "Jesus Among Other Gods" as my prayer for Tue's salvation. 


(I am enjoying it and being challenged by it.  My recent favorite quote is stolen, if you will, from G.K. Chesterton:

“Dear Sir: Regarding your article 'What's Wrong with the World?' I am. Yours truly, G.K. Chesterton”)

But there are other parts of the book, of Zacharias's reasoning, that are meaningful to me as well with regard to Tue's salvation.  I want that man for You, Lord.  I respect his thoughtful consideration of Your claims.  I recognize, however, that the pull of his loyalty and love toward his father, a former Buddhist monk, is extremely powerful.

But You are more powerful.  I am counting on that.  And on the (so-called) power of prayer.

The verse that comes to mind with regard to this prayer and its alignment with Your will is 2 Peter 3:9b:

"Instead He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."

May it be so, Lord, according to Your will. For the sake of the expansion of the Kingdom of God in Christ Jesus~~Amen and amen.
  

Guy for God

Whew, Lord.  Day after Easter.  You did all the work!  I wonder whether You were "tired" after all that.  :)

I have set a reminder on my phone to pray for Tue every day.  I may not get a chance to post my prayer, but I know that You are aware of my prayerful intent.  When I can, I pause and ask.

I don't know whether there are "twinkles" there, mostly because I have not been able to watch them together for long in the short time that I have been with him.  Julie did not talk a lot about him over this holiday weekend; I wonder whether she talked about him with Ali and Jaime, especially since she spent more time with them than with us (except for sleeping).  (Yeah, slight dig, but I am trying to be gracious.)  

Sorry for the distraction, dear God.  Amy is late getting back to Messiah--no surprise, lots of traffic.

So back to Tue...

I know that You want him.  I searched for the verse, and 4 of them came up.  This was the first and the one:

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.  2 Peter 3:9

(There is another Peter verse!  My "endurance of harsh treatment" verse is from 1 Peter.)

So, based on this verse, I am claiming Your promise.  You are not slow to fulfill it; and You made it!  I will also remain patient with You and Tue--harder for me than for You--and I will continue to pray.  Daily.  Either by posting or clicking.

Dear Lord, please rescue Tue.  We don't have enough great guys in the Church for our daughters!  :)  Not only for the women, though, but also for the men and most importantly for You and Your kingdom, we need good guys for God.  For Your sake and in Jesus's name~~Amen!

A Wonderful Vietnamese Buddhist

Even as I wrote the title of this post, Lord, I realized that perhaps Tue Ho is not a Buddhist in the same fashion as not every child of a Christian is a Christian.  In any case, Julie herself has said--in the more distant past, not clearly stated recently--that Tue is still seeking.  She has also told me/us that he is sensitive to the effect that a decision for Christianity may have on his Buddhist monk-father.  I must respect a young man, a son, who cares for his parents.  I know that You have said that

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:26

Wow.  This is a dilemma that Tue faces.  He has been raised to be respectful, to honor his father and his mother--which is another of Your commandments--and to consider his actions (I think, on that last point).   To "hate his own father and mother" may not mean exactly that.  I hope not!  I just quickly read a commentary that put that word "hate" in a different context.  English can be harsh when it is used to translate a Biblical word.  Hate is more like loving far less, with far less preference, but NOT to treat badly or disrespectfully.


More on that another time.  However, Lord, for the sake of this post, please hear my heart's cry for Tue's heart.  May he follow You willingly, gladly, appreciatively for all that You have done for him.  And may I be bold enough to ask for the hearts of his parents as well?


In Jesus's redemptive name and nature~~Amen.

Prayer for NJ Relatives

Dear Lord, please bless with peace and harmony my extended family in NJ.  They are going through the decline and impending death of their mother, my aunt (not blood-connected but by marriage).  With 7 children, all of whom have children, there are many people and many hearts and many opinions involved.  Please make Yourself known to them and present with them during these stressful days.  In Jesus's name~~Amen.

PS  Please touch my own mother's heart and spirit in this situation.  This is her sister-in-law, the wife of my mother's only brother (now deceased).  My mother is particularly close to the oldest of their children and will be affected by any strife in the family.  Keep Mom peaceful because she is faith-full.  In Jesus's name (again), Amen.

President in Need of Prayer

It would not be a surprise to you, God, that I do not like the President of the United States.  Still, I want to obey Your Word to pray for those in authority in government.  He needs so much  prayer.  It disturbs me deeply that many of my countrymen and Christian siblings support him.  (I wanted to say, "He's an idiot."  That would not be very loving or consistent with Your character.)

So, for our sake, even more for Your sake, please bless him.  Not with material success--he has quite a lot of that--but with what DH called "a little humility."  I think he needs more than a little.  Please change his heart.  Please soften it toward people and toward You.  He is not giving much evidence of a spiritual maturity (but then, in another place, I just wrote that I am not giving much evidence in my own life at this time, either).  Please do what I would ask You to do for anyone: bring them close to You, whether for salvation or for sanctification.  Me, too.

In Jesus's loving name and in pursuit of His distinctive love in and for the world~~Amen.

Persecution vs. Sinfulness

Good evening, Lord.  Work has been more difficult than it has ever been in my life and career.  So, because I am in a hurry (DH is at the grocery store), please allow me to be brief, even terse.

Help.

I don't want to be proud.  I don't want to ignore my own problems and character flaws.  I do want to see what is happening with spiritually clear eyes--with Your eyes--and respond as You would.

In Jesus's name!  Amen.