Relationships Are Hard

 Save me from my emerging hatred, Lord, for those who are peddling outright, blatant, damaging, and irrational lies to people who are being misled over a proverbial cliff to destruction.  Unless You "hate" them, too, Lord, I cannot escape the command to love everyone, even them.  

Or is that not true?

Psalm 5:5 says, "You hate all evildoers," or "You hate all who do injustice," or "You hate all who do wrong."  (Depending on the version)  I don't want to take these words out of context or out of consideration of Your character, feeling justified in my hatred.  Please help me to balance this apparent contradiction in concert with Your will and Your nature.

This is hard!  I get SO angry.  As I am walking again through Scripture, I see more and more two things:

1. You get angry much more often than I previously believed.  I think I bought the version of You as a benevolent, always-easily-forgiving Papa who did not impose discipline on Your wayward ones.  That appears to have been a false teaching.
2. Your people disobey and disrespect You much more often than I previously believed, too.  Sometimes humanity looks positively hopeless.  I wrestle with the ineffectiveness of disciplinary actions and natural consequences, and I try to reconcile the hardheartedness of humans with the stance toward free will--and freedom to love and obey You--that You have.  

As an aside, but not really, I want and need to pray hard for Amy and Christopher.  Their lives are intricately intertwined with those of immigrants and immigration issues.  I confess to fear, even terror, on behalf of Christopher directly and Amy indirectly, Abba.  I am at a loss for words regarding what to pray, but in these situations, "Your will be done" may be the most appropriate prayer to offer, even if it is the most difficult one to say.  (Just ask Jesus.)  Still, in the spirit of Jesus, "May the cup (of immigration detention and deportation) pass from [us.]"  For Amy, I ask for the strength to manage the stress of the constant changes surrounding international students, their visas, the prejudices they face, and the pressures on many, if not all, institutions of higher education.

Restore relationships according to Your will, Abba.  Is there not a verse prophesying divided relationships?  Yes, there is.

I've come to start a fire on this earth--how I wish it were blazing right now!  I've come to change everything, turn everything right side up--how I long for it to be finished!  Do you think I came to smooth things over and make everything nice? Not so.  I've come to disrupt and confront!  From now on, when you find five in a house, it will be--Three against two, and two against three; Father against son, and son against father; Mother against daughter and daughter against mother; Mother-in-law against bride, and bride against mother-in-law. (Luke 12:49-53)     

Probably time to go, Abba.  I will try to focus on something Godly and productive today.  As I said in the title of this post, relationships are hard, even more so in these weird and frankly evil times.  Save us, God, from ourselves, and protect the vulnerable.  These times beg for You to show up with miracles to make Yourself known.  Let me partner with You in that task!

Amen and amen.
 

A Quick Minute

 "But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;

I had nearly lost my foothold.

For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked."  

(Psalms 73:1)

"Therefore pride is their necklace;

They clothe themselves with violence.

From their callous hearts comes iniquity;

their evil imaginations have no limits.

They scoff, and speak with malice;

with arrogance they threaten oppression."

(Psalms 73:7-8)

Ouch.

Saul like Trump, Trump like Saul

Father, I have a few rapid-response items that I have wanted and still want to address with You. Sometimes, I get going and forget to return to some of them.

• Decision to go to Parlee and Emily's wedding
• Amy and Christopher and the serious threat to his immigration status
• My own marriage and simmering discontent and resentment
• (This one brought me to tears.)
• Frustration around my husband's shallowness and disinterest in what I consider very important things (I am saying this bluntly and not carefully)
• Not understanding the complex political, economic, and spiritual forces at work in the world right now.

Abba, Grammarly evaluated this writing as sounding "sad and gloomy."  They are probably right.

So, I titled this post "Saul like Trump." In some ways, mainly looking at Saul's later reign, they are remarkably similar, although Saul's early experiences were better than Trump's.  DJT has been a scoundrel for all of his recorded life.  I have to remind myself often (but not often enough) that You nonetheless love him and grieve...I am pausing here because this word choice surprises me and reminds me of TBR's point in the commentary today...his sinfulness.  There, I said it.  It may sound judgmental.  Is it?  Alternatively, it might be exactly right -- he is grievously sinful.

But we--I--know that You are God and Yours is the victory.  The only place I want to be, whether it is "safe" in the traditional definition of the word, is with You, in You, around You (now real tears).  Back to Saul's kingship, I note with some chagrin that despite Your grief over his sinfulness and Your anger at him, You allowed him to remain in place for a while.

Eesh.

I am also angry with the corrupt enablers of this man.  Some of them even claim to be Your followers.  My head wants to explode with this realization.  I also want to remain humble and to be receptive to Your correction, being certain that it does come from You and not from some hypocritical people who claim to speak for You.  (Dang, I sound bad.  I don't know how not to sound bad, and mad, given how I feel.)

Come, Lord Jesus!  Teach me in the meantime how to be a good ambassador for You in this hostile world.

You know I love You, right?

A Psalm of Lament

 O LORD, my foundation and my salvation, why are You allowing such wickedness to continue and even to grow?

We know that You are God; Yours is the victory.

Why, then, may I ask timidly, are You allowing so many battles to be lost?

What do You want me, and Your faithful people, to do?

I cry out in the depths of my spirit for revival and for repentance.

I struggle with anger and outrage and deeply profound grief and sadness.

I fear--yes, I fear--for the future of my beloveds and for the future of this country.

I feel hopeless and helpless in the face of this onslaught of lies, defiance, hatefulness, and upside-downism.

I know that there is always hope when You are present and working.  I remind myself of this blessed truth often because the overwhelming darkness threatens this spark of light.

Abba LORD, I am privileged to call You my Father and my God.  I do not understand Your ways.  

I will, however, put all my trust and hope in You.

There is no one else.

God's Battle

 Starting the Book of Joshua today--the Bible Project review had a line that jumped out at me:

"Rather, this is God's battle."

How often--almost constantly, Abba--I forget this truth.  It is something I need to remind myself of all the time.  I also need to remind myself that obedience to Your commands sometimes requires that I do nothing but wait and trust (and worship--as the story of Jericho shows), and at other times, it
requires that I actively work, participate, and fight in the battle.  May I listen and discern Your voice increasingly well so I know which times are which!

My prayer:  

O Lord, my God, how powerful are You!  You are the Master Strategist in the planning and execution of this great battle between You and the forces of evil and darkness.  Let me be a faithful and obedient participant in Your army, a well-trained and well-disciplined soldier, serving in any and every capacity to which You assign me.  Most of all, Lord God, may my character reflect You as an ambassador of Your Kingdom.

In the meantime, Abba, there is much work in preparation and recruitment.  I pray for the soul and heart of my first son-in-law, whose character often shows more Godliness and Christian virtue than many who name Your name!  I pray for my daughters and for the new son-in-law, who is especially vulnerable as an immigrant and a brown one at that, to this nation.  I also pray for this nation and its leaders, who do not seem to me to be following You or Your commands and yet are followed by many who claim to be Your followers.  Lastly, and not least importantly, I pray for my heart and character.  I see harsh edges and unattractive characteristics in myself that I feel helpless to change.  Of course--because this is Your battle in my heart!

Are You Angry, God?

 Are You angry, Abba?  In today's Bible reading and the "God Shot" requested in response, my own God Shot involved Your anger at Your rebellious, complaining, disobedient, greedy (I could go on here) people.  "Separate yourselves from this assembly so I can put an end to them at once."  That's pretty mad.  Then You opened up a sinkhole and a flash fire that consumed them.  

May You never be that angry with me!  May I never do anything that makes You that angry with me!

But I probably do make You that angry, and I probably have done things that make You that angry.  Abba, thank You for Jesus.  Thank You that He stood between me and Your justified wrath because of Your (plural) great love--love that was greater than Your wrath.  Did He come to die?  Not only to die, because everyone dies, but also and so importantly to pay with His death for my sins and then to conquer death by returning to life!!

Back to the anger, though~You have every right in Your righteousness to be enraged with us.  I will stand in prayer for myself (which Jesus did NOT have to do) and for my fellow people, especially those who claim to be in Your family, because if I don't commit to do that, I would also be enraged.  I am enraged.  Calm me, Abba, and keep me in Your perfect peace.  Amen.

God Shot for Joseph

 Abba, even though I pray and listen to You every day (thank You for TBR), I wish I could write to You every day.  Writing captures my thoughts much better than the swirl of words and feelings and weirdness in my head.  It seems reasonable to think that You value the capture of words, too, since the Word is so important to You.

Having just finished Genesis with the history of Joseph, I was reminded of my own false-accusation experience.  

• Despite having done nothing wrong, Joseph and I were found guilty without a true recounting of events.
• Despite our motives being Godly, Joseph and I were accused of having inappropriate and harmful intentions.
• Despite Your power, Abba, Joseph and I wait for a long time for -- would it be called exoneration?  Or would it be more accurate to use the word "restoration"?

But I am not quite as Godly, or maybe as mature in my faith in You, as Joseph was, Abba.  I also don't have a lot of confidence that I will be either exonerated or restored.  But I will still praise You, worship You, and serve You.  Many of Your "best" servants went to their graves, either shortly or after a long life, being wrongly judged.  

Ah, Abba.  In what times we live!  Yet I will remain steadfast.  You are my rock, my fortress, my hiding place, my confidence.

Jesus, come quickly!  Not too quickly, because there are many left to rescue.  But I do want You to come soon, with Your Spirit working hard to encourage those still unbelieving to put their lives into Your hands.

(You know who I mean~~)

Amen.

My Psalm

My soul waits in silence for God alone;
From Him come my salvation and my hope.
2 He alone is my rock and my salvation, not the powers of the world,
He is My stronghold; I will not be greatly shaken.

How long, O Lord my God, will evil triumph?
How long will injustice, untruth, and hypocrisy flourish?

I grieve, O Lord.  I lament the unholiness of people--Your people.

Yet why would I expect more from fickle mankind?

I set my heart and my soul on You.

You are the only stable and good foundation.

I know my own fickleness, my own hypocrisy.

I throw myself on Your merciful discipline, O God.

You have spoken [c]once;
[d]Twice I have heard this:
That power belongs to You;
12 And faithfulness is Yours, Lord,
For You reward a person according to his work.

(borrowed in part from Psalm 62)

Exhaustion

•  Debbie died on January 10, 2025. This morning, I cried unexpectedly. The good memory -- not really a memory but more an imagination -- brought to mind a picture of a young, healthy Debbie enjoying a garden in heaven.
• I am happily exhausted from my work. There are *so* many people who want to talk, to feel better. Abba, I am not the savior or the healer; You are! Please use me as a vessel of Your blessing.
• The presidential inauguration was this week. The nation is only three days into this presidency and already there have been multiple disastrous decisions. Please, Abba, allow me the grace to pray for this leader (who is not leading very wisely, or positively. or graciously) and to rest in Your leadership. I am a citizen of Your country.

I will end now because my brain isn't focusing well right now. Until next time, Abba, remember I love You.  :)

Heaviness of Heart

Abba! My sister Debbie is dying.  

I intellectually knew that fact both times I saw her recently, and now that fact is powerfully present in real-time, most likely within hours. I have no regrets about seeing her recently, even though she likely had little, if any, idea or appreciation that I was there. 

Still, there are a couple of memories from those visits.  On the first day, when she did focus for a millisecond on my face, she blurted out, "You look like my sister."  💔  Later in the same visit but on the next day, she caught sight of my face again and commented, "You look wonderful today!"

Really?  LOL!

Maybe not.  Maybe her dementia affects her vision and her judgment.  But whatever the explanation, I will cherish those comments.

I will also remember with affection the time spent with her grandchildren.  I hurt for them and for their father in this loss.  I don't believe I can fill her place, and I don't believe it is an appropriate role for me to assume.  I do believe that there may be a role I can fill, and I will wait for Your direction.

Debbie

 It seems a little stupid, Abba, to include things You already know in this post as prayer. I ask You to indulge me because You may know my thoughts and motivations, but sometimes, I don't.

I am returning from a long weekend in Michigan with Debbie and, to a lesser extent but not a lesser significance, Bobby. I was reflecting on the significance of Bob's reply text to me yesterday: "Thank you for the respite and help."  My reflection involved the difficulty of communicating how that word hit me without sounding both, or either, picayune or arrogant. The respite aspect felt quite accurate, though. Being with her was hard, both physically and emotionally. She cannot rest; the psychomotor agitation is pronounced and exhausting for her and for those caring for her.

I appreciated Joe's company and his interventions with her a lot. He is a good and decent man--some might be surprised by that characterization! One of the most surprising things for me was his desire to attend Catholic Mass at the Notre Dame Basilica, formally known as the Basilica of the Sacred Heart. A second surprise was the presence of some Bible verse decorations at his AirBnB. I could be wrong, but I see a ramping up of Your work in his life, Abba!

Here I capture some of my thoughts about Debbie and her situation:

• She is so bruised from her falls. It seems nearly impossible to keep her from falling without physically restricting or restraining her. Even with constant accompaniment, she is unstable with her ambulation, and now I see something (You brought me to it)--->
• "Dementia posturing" or an interaction between dorsal kyphosis and dementia. Oh, Father God, Please relieve Deb's suffering!
• Mom is suffering almost as much as, perhaps more than, Debbie. I don't even know what to ask on Mom's behalf, Father. You of all people know too painfully well what it is like to see Your child suffering and not doing anything about it--whether by inability or by choice, it is heartbreaking either way. Oh, God, bring Your peace!

The flight is readying for boarding. Bobby was so gracious in getting me priority status!  

Amen for now. Love You!

Nothing Makes Sense

Father God, I feel like I am living in an upside-down world.  I realize that much of Jesus's teaching is upside-down--the last shall be first, to save my life I must lose it, love my enemies, and others--but the events of this year and this US election take the idea to a terrible new place.  Evil appears to be triumphing, incompetence is a requirement for government appointment, immorality and sin are celebrated, and knowledge is devalued.  I don't understand.

My own prayer practice has taken a hit because I don't know how, or what, to pray.  I am mature enough (!) to know that You do not always (and maybe rarely) answer my prayers with the answer that I think is right.  So now the question for me is this: What are You doing?  How can I catch a glimpse or an outline of the plan that You are working out?  Knowing that "You cannot be stopped," I take a deep breath and grasp Your truth and the history of Your work in the world.  You have rarely, if ever, done things in a way that "makes sense."  Of course, Your ways are not our ways, nor are Your thoughts our thoughts.

In my current reading in Galatians, I see Paul's annoyance with the people in Galatia.  Haha--I think I know how he felt.  What I hear is this: "How on earth can you believe these falsehoods?  What are you trying to prove?" In so many ways, I see the Church of today (early 21st century) being deceived by very similar heresy.  And I am, like Paul, annoyed.  

And I, unlike Paul, am afraid.  I am afraid for my almost son-in-law, an immigrant from El Salvador.  I am afraid for my daughters and their young families, perhaps including grandchildren someday.  I am afraid for the dear immigrant believers in our Church.  I am afraid for this country and for the principles of truth and virtue and freedom under which it was founded.

Abba, accept my fear.  Please also accept my surrender to You and what You are doing in this upside-down world.  Please hear my prayers, spoken and unspoken, for my loved ones and for those with whom I am "annoyed."  In obedience to Your command, please attend to my prayer for those in authority in government, both the current president and the president-elect.  May they both seek You in the performance of their heavy duties and know Your wisdom in their decisions about the serious matters facing the country and the world.

I will not be afraid!

Grieving and Still Hoping

 Good morning, Abba.  "I am thankful before You, {my} living and enduring King, for You have mercifully restored my soul within me.  Great is Your faithfulness."

(For some reason that I cannot recall, I have this prayer stored in my Bible app as "Modeh Ani."  Later, I may--or may not--go back and figure out why.)

Great *is* Your faithfulness.  Even when the world, this country, the "rulers" of the government are far from faithful, You are.  You always have been, and You always will be.  

So why on earth do I grieve and worry?

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary captures a few reassuring words; in fact, one of the words that jumped out at me was "assurance."

• Strong assurance
• Steadfast in affection
• Steadfast in allegiance
• Firm in adherence to promises
• True -- *true* -- to the facts, to a standard [of holiness and perfection!]

While I may continue to grieve the depravity of humans, my kin, I do still hope and I do still find reassurance in Your faithfulness.

Walking a Tightrope

 Father God, I have seen the challenge--I have even considered the challenge for myself--of standing up for opinions and beliefs, even when they are so obviously based not only in truth but also in the truth of Your word.  In our own little circle of influence, our own pastor has been getting pushback for the most benign and Biblical encouragements to care for the poor and disenfranchised.

What is happening, Father?  

Is this the foretold period of deception leading to the end times (which may last for many decades or even centuries)?

For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths.  (2 Timothy 4: 3-4)

This verse is one of one hundred that speak of "deception by Satan in [the] Last Days."  It may be an inevitable and even an unavoidable phenomenon leading to Your Son's return.

Yet, Abba, do I dare ask You to stay Your coming judgment for a bit longer?  Perhaps I am being selfish; I know I am afraid, knowing that I am not strong. 

Strengthen me, God, so that I honor You in all my days and especially in these trying and difficult times.  In Jesus's name and by the work of the Holy Spirit I pray~~Amen.

Psalm 12's Timelessness

    Help, O LORD, for the godly are fast disappearing!

        The faithful have vanished from the earth!

    Neighbors lie to each other,

        speaking with flattering lips and deceitful hearts.

    May the LORD cut off their flattering lips

        and silence their boastful tongues.

    They say, "We will lie to our hearts' content.

        Our lips are our own--who can stop us?"

    The LORD replies, "I have seen violence done to the helpless,

        and I have heard the groans of the poor.

    Now I will rise up to rescue them,

        as they have longed for me to do."

    The LORD's promises are pure,

        like silver refined in a furnace,

        purified seven times over.

    Therefore, LORD, we know you will protect the oppressed,

        preserving them forever from this lying generation,

    even though the wicked strut about,

        and evil is praised throughout the land.

I Admit to Worry

 

Lord God, I confess to worry right now.  I see DH's labwork, and his WBC is too low for the second or third year in a row.  Knowing that his father--who was outwardly healthy and careful about his health, as DH is--lived and died with leukemia, I admit to being worried.  Please, Lord, have mercy.  Today, right now, in this minute, I am focusing on You.  You do not promise that nothing will ever beset us.  Rather, You promise that You will always be with us, through it all.  

I am also mindful of the hurricanes that have slammed the southeast states in this nation as just the most recent of the weather crises and climate catastrophes that have been happening with greater intensity and frequency for a while.  People are suffering, and we are--I am--not exempted from the possibility of suffering.

BUT You are still and always will be God.  May these events and experiences turn me more toward You, face to face (which always brings me to tears).  May I be strong, exemplary, holy, faithful, and encouraging.  

Through what is and what may come, I will still love You.

A Beautiful Autumn Day

 "Have mercy on me, Son of David!"  from Matthew 9.

During a beautiful walk with Bailey at Quinsigamond State Park today, You spoke to me.  The events of the past 15 months, with the false accusation and resulting loss of my job, has been continuing to weigh on me.  I am distressed and humbled, confused and embarrassed, and yet--You reminded me that I am not in a bombed city, I continue to have a home (and a pretty nice one at that), food (and pretty good food, if I say so myself), health, family, a good church, and many other niceties of life.  So even though 

Abba, I am a little scared about DH's blood test result with a low WBC.  One of the causes is leukemia, which is what took his father.  Lord, please ... I am not sure what to ask You.  The timing, where both Jim and DH were asymptomatic at roughly the same ages, is frightening.  Have mercy on us!  We have been married for 37 years, the longest on my side of the family and almost the longest on his.  Plus, God, DH is not a great patient.  (LOL!)  Please give his doctor wisdom and persuasiveness to get DH to address this problem (longstanding, from what I saw in his record, of about 2-3 years).

(If it would help, I would gladly donate blood to him.  I might not be able to since our blood types are not compatible.)

However, I return to the beauty of today.  This entry is a bit scattered, as am I.  Let me bask in mindfulness, recognizing that You are here with me now, today, and will be forever, no matter what happens.

I love You.

A Seven-Minute Session

The timer is set for seven minutes, Abba.  It is not nearly enough time to connect meaningfully with You.  However, knowing how distractible I am and can be, this time-limited appointment may help me to focus more intentionally during this small slice of my day.

I just finished a platelet donation and scooted over to Panera to have lunch.  (On the last donation, I got quite dizzy and needed time to recover, possibly because I did not eat well prior to the donation.)  I -- no, not I but You -- are meeting me here to have a chat, no?  I am listening.  What do You want to say to me?

So much!  My attitude comes to mind first of all.  I grow irritated at home and at the people who are either willfully or ignorantly choosing the wrong path and the wrong (IMHO) presidential candidate  I grow very judgmental and, in Your choice of words in the sermon from Acts last week, "distressed" by the "idols" in this culture and this country.  (Acts 17:16(

There is the timer.  I will honor it but this issue would be a great place to pick up on my next entry.  Until then!

A Mindful Minute

 I wish I could capture many of my thoughts and reflections when they happen. Sometimes, I have these wonderful insights (LOL—so arrogant of me) that escape me when I try to remember them.

Right now, the two men--Homo Sapiens and Canis Familiaris--are out walking. Hence, my mindful minute is only a minute. I have so much reflecting to do! Job/employment, service opportunities, my attitude, and frustration with DH and the house.

Distractions abound--I just texted my stepbrother about his son's birthday, my daughter's wedding, and my other daughter's half-marathon.

God, King of the universe, I want to capture one intense prayer that has lurked on the peripheries of my mind for a very long time--this election and the state of this nation. Lament--repentance--confession--pleading with You to spare us what we clearly deserve. Call Your people back to You and not to the false idols and false prophets that have captured Your people's devotion.

"As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."  Amen.

What You Want People to Know

 The thing that struck me in today's Bible passages was the repetition of the line

"Then you will know that I am the LORD." (Ezekiel 28: 23, 24, 26)

"Then all who live in [Egypt--or the world] will know that I am the LORD." (Ezekiel 29: 6, 8, 16 which mentions "Sovereign LORD" and 21)

May I, and everyone I love, know that You are the LORD and come to know that more and more!